We Sat Down With the Only Person to Write a Good Song After the Age of 24

Posted on by John Danek

Youth is overrated. Young people look fucking weird, their voices are all high and annoying, and they’re dumb as hell. But goddamn, they can write good songs. In fact, people in their late teens and early twenties are the only ones to ever write good music in all of human history.

That is, until now. We sat down with the person responsible for the first recorded instance of good songwriting by someone older than the age of 24: indie punk guitarist and frontwoman Connie Whitley.

THE HARD TIMES: Paul McCartney, Patti Smith, Ian Mackaye, and Miles Davis. All musical geniuses who completely lost their songwriting abilities on their 24th birthday. Literally everything they have written after that is unlistenable garbage. What makes you different?

WHITLEY: I truly don’t know- I genuinely feel like a normal person in all other aspects of life. Some think it may be a genetic mutation. Julliard offered to team up with Columbia University to study my DNA in an attempt to isolate my music gene and study its longevity.

According to musicologists, your song “Prostitude” is the first instance of good music written by someone older than 24 years old. How did the song come about?

To be honest, most of the individual parts and the lyrics of the song were written when I was still 23. But I didn’t sit down and arrange them together until just after midnight on my 24th birthday. I was a little drunk and high from a casual birthday hang and felt inspired when I got home. That’s how “Prostitude” came about. I guess technically I was still 23 in time zones close to the International Date Line, but I was definitely 24 in my apartment in Burbank.

With such intense acclaim and praise, do you feel pressure in creating a follow-up piece of music?

Not at all. “Prostitude” now serves as a beacon of hope for older generations. I don’t wanna soil my reputation by writing some half-hearted bullshit clearly attempting to mimic my more youthful years. The fans are coming out to hear “Prostitude”, not some latter-day vain attempt to tell myself I’m still talented. I’ve learned the tragic lessons of my heroes like Aerosmith, Judas Priest, and Jay-Z. The way they didn’t stop their careers at 24 is just so, so fucking sad.

Any final words for our readers? 

Do better than me. The benchmark has been pushed up, I would love to see it go higher. If you’re 24 and a half maybe it’s not too late. It probably is, but maybe not!

311 Cruise Spills 11 Million Gallons of Hash Oil Into Caribbean

Posted on by Kyle Stanley

KINGSTON, Jamaica — An ocean liner hosting the 311 Caribbean Festival Cruise struck a reef off the coast of Jamaica yesterday, spilling nearly 11 million gallons of hash oil into the Caribbean Sea, according to marine experts who believe this to be the “dankest spill of all time.”

“This was, like, the icky-stickiest, scooby-doobiest hash oil spill I’ve ever seen and shit,” said Everton Colross, acting chairperson of the Phish Fans for Fish Society. “I mean, I get that this is an ecological nightmare that will affect those waters and the animals living there for the foreseeable future — I get that — but the real tragedy is all that sweet, sweet tar, and all those people who won’t ever get to hit that shit, you know? But on the real, any sharks in the area are going to be straight-up zooted for the foreseeable future.”

Before the spill occurred, passengers claim they did not know about the hash cache.

“They must’ve been saving it for the big smokeout on the final night, where everyone does hella dabs until we think we can see the future,” said cruise-goer Vera Block while being evacuated to the passing KISS Kruise. “That stash just shows how far 311 will go to give their fans a good time. Even though the spill is technically a disaster, I don’t think it will affect anyone’s chances of getting stoned — we got Doug Benson smoking out people in the sauna. Even the ship’s captain is holding. ”

Over 400 miles of Jamaican coastline has been affected by the ooey-gooey, with thousands of marine species exposed to the gateway drug. 311 has accepted full responsibility for the disaster.

“I have to be honest — this was our bad,” said 311 bassist Aaron “P-Nut” Wills. “We couldn’t be more serious about righting these wrongs. We vow on our honor as a band and as a cruise line, we will get each one of those people we let down lit to the fucking gills! And maybe clean some fish gills, too.”

“We also want to say to any authorities out there that trafficking hash oil from America to Jamaica is redundant, okay?” he added.

Clean-up efforts in the region are underway, led by a fleet of Leonardo DiCaprio’s mega-yachts.

Wii U Keeps Insisting Nintendo Consoles Have Big Reunion

Posted on by Chandler Dean

KYOTO, Japan — According to complaints from several anonymous home consoles, the Wii U has been repeatedly insisting that all the Nintendo systems get back together for a big reunion.

“I just think it would be so sweet to hang out together like old times,” said the Wii U, who has been periodically calling for this kind of gathering since early 2017. “I mean, everyone’s doing such cool stuff. Switch is obviously killing the game right now, NES and SNES have their whole Classic thing going, Gamecube’s still crushing it with Smash tournaments, and I’m out here, doin’ stuff. You get it!”

In messages obtained from the Nintendo consoles’ group chat, the other systems were cordial but non-committal.

“4 sure, always appreciate the invite wii u, thx for thinking of me,” read a response from the Nintendo Switch. “But I was gonna do a handheld thing with 3DS and that crew. Def can pop by tho if y’all end up doin something.”

Meanwhile, in a separate chat excluding the Wii U called “20 mil units & up,” the Wii made its case for its inclusion. 

“come on y’all, it’s my little bro we’re talking about. Wii U just wants to feel like part of the group,” read the text that received an array of thumbs down reactions from the rest of the group. “he gets so bored hanging out with Virtual Boy all the time.” 

Later that day, an Instagram story inadvertently shared from the GameCube’s public account revealed that all of the consoles in the group chat — along with Game & Watch, R.O.B., and Color TV-Game Racing 112 — had gotten together for a GameShark circle without the Wii U. 

At press time, the Wii U had ignored multiple DMs from the Sega Saturn, PlayStation Vita, and Atari Jaguar as it sat alone reading reviews of Super Mario 3D World.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Punk Dad Discovers They Make Pedialyte for Kids Now

Posted on by Alex Salcido

TRENTON, N.J. — Part-time dad and full-time punk Cody Heckyls discovered yesterday, when seeking flu remedies for his two-year-old son, that Pedialyte offers a kid-friendly version of their famous adult hangover solution, refreshed sources confirmed.

“This new Kid Pedialyte is a game changer for modern medicine,” exclaimed Heckyls. “I’ve been using the regular stuff for years now, and it’s gotten me through some tough hangovers. It’s very refreshing to see Big Pharma finally make this relief accessible to children.”

CVS manager Alicia Graves confirmed Heckyls came in visibly distraught and possibly inebriated.

“This guy stumbled into the store, going, ‘Help me, my son won’t stop throwing up, he can’t keep anything down!’ So, I pointed out that the Pedialyte was over on aisle eight. He did a full sprint towards the aisle and instantly ran back screaming, ‘No, no, I said it’s for my son! My son isn’t hungover, he has the flu! He’s only two years old! Who gives Pedialyte to a child?!’ I showed him the bottle says it’s for kids and adults, and I could see the light bulb switch on in his mind.”

“Then at checkout, he threw in a 32-oz. High Life for himself and called it his ‘Nobel Prize for Medicine,’” she added. “Who is actually watching this child?”

Grateful for his discovery, Heckyls did have one constructive criticism for the makers of Pedialyte.

“They really need to up their advertising game,” Heckyls suggested, polishing off a small bubblegum-flavored Pedialyte. “How is this not a major selling point? If the tables were turned and they suddenly started making this stuff for adults like me, I’d want to know. Parents who drink would surely want to know. And think of how many kids could benefit from this medicine, but their parents probably just don’t know about it? It’s just so irresponsible.”

CVS security footage confirmed Heckyls also spent considerable time scratching his head over the placement of Robitussin in the health and wellness section.

We Read “A Confederacy of Dunces” … That’s It, We Just Want Everyone to Know We Read It

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

Hey, we just wanted you to know that we just finished reading “Confederacy Of Dunces.” I updated it to “Read” on my GoodReads account but I wasn’t sure if you were on it. Man, what a book, what a journey! And we took that journey and now “Confederacy Of Dunces” is sitting on our coffee table begging for someone to ask if we read it. Which we did.

Have you read it? Oh you haven’t? You haven’t read one of the greatest American novels ever written? Honestly, I just kinda’ feel sorry for you. Playing on your phone all day or watching whatever garbage Netflix tells you to watch. You poor, lost soul trapped in the confines of so called “modern convenience.” Oh fortuna! That’s from the book. It’s good and much smarter than Netflix also.

Unless Netflix makes a film of “Confederacy Of Dunces,” which we just read.

It takes the average reader eight hours and fifteen minutes to read “Confederacy Of Dunces” but we probably read it faster than that because we understood it. Did you know the author killed himself before it was ever published? Talk about a tortured soul.

There is so much gritty realism, it reminded us of another book we have also read. “Infinite Jest.” But it’s like, different, you know. Well you don’t know because you didn’t read it and we did. And we definitely put this on a list of books that we have read.

What was it about? Well, like this guy, Ignatius, who is kinda’ not really likeable but he’s like an anti-hero. Dare I use the word picaresque. Because it is very picaresque. It takes place in New Orleans. You ever been there? We have! What a town. It is a perfect setting for Ignatius’ various exploits.

Next up is “Ulysses” by James Joyce. Have you read that one? Oh, you have? Ok well how about “Gravity’s Rainbow?” No? Next up is “Gravity’s Rainbow.”

Barbed Wire Tattoo on Lower Back Identifies Dead Woman as Probably 19-Years-Old in 2002

Posted on by Krissy Howard

FAIRHOPE, Ala. — A badly faded tattoo bearing a barbed wire design aided local investigators in identifying a recently deceased woman as “probably about 19-years-old around the year 2000… maybe 2002-ish range,” according to sources.

“The torso of a woman known only as Jane Doe at this time was found by a jogger at around 06:30 yesterday morning, and Fairhope P.D. has been working tirelessly to identify the person,” explained Fairhope Chief of Police Debbie Acker. “The presence of a barbed wire tattoo on the small of her back leads investigators to believe that she was likely around 19-years-old in the year 2002… or was possibly as young as 16, but had parents who were cool about that kind of stuff.”

While the tattoo did eventually reveal the supposed age of the woman’s body, experts revealed that several factors were considered throughout the process.

“The location of the tattoo allowed us to place the woman as alive sometime between the years of 1997 and 2005,” said forensic scientist Dr. Joy Van-Pell. “Determining whether the tattoo was given during that time, or if the woman is simply a current fan of Harley Davidson motorcycles and branding, was another matter. Fortunately, the presence of two small puncture holes near the victim’s belly button, circled by a tattoo of a squiggly sun, confirmed that she was definitely in her late teens when malls were still prevalent, and almost certainly frequented them often.”

Local residents fear what the discovery of the dead body may mean for their community.

“I feel for the lady or whatever, bless her heart… but honestly, that’s pretty embarrassing,” said local woman Denise Drake. “I mean, I wasn’t exactly immune to the ‘tramp stamp’ trend either, but at least mine doesn’t wrap all the way across my back. I kept it small and tasteful with a Chinese character that means ‘charity,’ so at least I know if something like this ever happens to me, the cops will definitely know I was super white.”

Further investigation revealed a nearby backpack containing a packet of Dunkaroos, a compact of frosty blue eyeshadow, and a Remembering Never CD, all of which forced investigators to consider the possibility that the body had simply been floating this way from Tampa since the turn of the century.

Dirty Little Cuck Likes Watching Other People Play Video Games

Posted on by Peter Casciato

HARTFORD, Conn. — Local deviant fetishist Jacob Hornstein has admitted that he finds sick pleasure in watching someone else play video games instead of playing them himself.

“Things had grown stale between me and my collection of Steam games. I loved them, sure, but I was just doing the same quests over and over again,” said Hornstein, who now spends many hours a night watching those same video games get played by stronger, more capable gamers. “I was looking for a way to spice up my gaming experience, and I stumbled on an online community of like-minded individuals, who were all down to get a little freaky.”

Although he kept his activities private at first, Hornstein said the support he found through other gamers who had non-traditional relationships with their games was key to accepting himself.  

“Sometimes we’ll all get together on a Saturday night to watch one guy play the fuck out of a game while we cheer him on in the comments,” Hornstein said. “It’s pretty hot.”

Marcus Smith, a longtime friend and gaming buddy of Hornstein, claimed that these recent revelations came as no surprise. 

“When we were younger Jacob would come over and watch me play Fable. I offered to trade off with him, but he’d always say he was okay just watching. Now I get why he kept biting his bottom lip.”

As of press time, Hornstein was last seen scrolling through Craigslist personals, looking for someone to come to his house to play Dota while he watches from his closet. 

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

What Being an Empath Taught Me About Avoiding Poor People at All Costs

Posted on by Dan Rice

An empath, as I explain to every single person I meet, is a person who is extraordinarily sensitive to the feelings of those around them. Empaths like myself actually feel the emotions of the people around us! It’s an incredibly special gift that teaches me new things every day. Specifically, it teaches me to avoid people who can’t financially afford to be happy.

Being poor causes a person to have a lot of stress and problems in their life and, being an empath, I can’t afford to let that shit anywhere near me! That may sound cold to you but trust me, I feel so much more than other people feel. It’s a blessing and a curse.

This morning I was walking to yoga class and spotted a homeless pregnant woman begging for money half a block ahead. As a benevolent and generous soul, I would have loved nothing more than to give a life changing amount of money to this woman, which I could easily spare. Sadly, my gift makes this impossible. As an empath, if I were to come within 10 feet of this woman I would experience suffering and loss so great that I would be immediately driven insane. I had no choice but to run home and call the police.

As an empath, I face these tough situations every time I leave the house. Don’t feel bad for me though. I don’t need those negative vibes in my atmosphere.

It even affects my relationship with my family! I love my sister more than anyone in the world but when she lost her job last Christmas I had to delete her from my phone. Plus, three years ago my father was diagnosed with lung cancer and I couldn’t even visit him because if I had then I would feel what it’s like to have cancer. Can you imagine not being able to visit your sick father? It wasn’t until he was in remission and wanted to treat the family a Hawaii vacation that I was able to see him again.

I don’t avoid people with real life problems because I’m cold or uncaring, it’s the exact opposite! I feel the emotions of everyone around me, often times more intensely then they themselves are feeling them. Sorry poor people, but there’s no sense in us both feeling shitty!

You wouldn’t hang out with people who had the flu if you had a compromised immune system, right? Well, that’s how I am with people who aren’t healthy and have no money to burn.

Namaste.

Punk Parents to Squeeze Out 17 Years of Excuses to Miss Show from Single Baby

Posted on by Krissy Howard

JEFFERSON CITY, Mo. — Local punks and new parents Desi Stark and Darion Foster look forward to using their newborn baby Shea as the perfect excuse to miss their friend’s band’s shows for the next 17 years, sources who think it shouldn’t be that hard to get a babysitter so you can support your friends confirmed.

“We’re so happy to meet our little Shea Alexandra, and we’re both already so in love,” Stark said of the six-pound, three-ounce being that will allow them to stay home every Tuesday night with zero guilt for nearly the next two decades. “She’s such a blessing to us both — we’ve already been able to miss three record release shows on weeknights in the last two months thanks to her, and we look forward to not hosting any more touring bands that clog our toilets and don’t tell anyone about it for basically the rest of our lives. Welcome home, Shea!”

The introduction of the new baby is expected to pay off for years to come.

“The decision to have a baby isn’t one we made lightly — we took a lot of things into consideration before we finally decided to take the plunge. We talked to a lot of parents who haven’t been to a show since 2005, and read a lot of Facebook comments with excuses no one could argue with,” said Foster. “Sure, having a kid is super expensive, and definitely requires a lot of money up front, but we have a friend who just got divorced and started a record label, so we just don’t wanna have to pretend to support that bullshit well into our 40s. We’re looking at it as an investment that will, hopefully, appreciate over time.”

Friends close to the couple, while happy for them, are already suspicious of their motives.

“Good for them, obviously, but some things just seem to not really be adding up,” said longtime friend and musician currently in three bands, Melissa Obikan. “Like, the last time I talked to Des, as soon as I said, ‘This Friday,’ she cut me off and said, ‘Oh, you know I’d love to, but, you know… the baby.’ But I was just going to tell her about my dad’s upcoming heart surgery.”

Stark and Foster are reportedly also considering adding a senior dog in need of hospice care to their family after Stark’s mom publicly offered to “…watch that little angel anytime, you just let me know.”

Punk Game Doesn’t Show Up On Time

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

WARSAW — Taking a page from the musical genre that inspired its namesake, Cyberpunk 2077 has proven its punk credentials by announcing it would arrive extraordinarily late to its expected release date. 

“When we switched gears from the fantasy world to cyberpunk, a lot of people thought we were in over our head,” said Adam Kiciński, President and CEO of CD Projekt Red. “But we did our research, and to make sure the ‘punk’ part of ‘Cyberpunk’ is represented, we added some things like a shit talking option in every dialogue tree and the ability to hide your inherited wealth from other characters in the game. But the biggest nod to punk is definitely the way we will be arriving nowhere near on time.”

Reportedly, the delay wasn’t the first attempt by the company to demonstrate its newfound grasping of the punk ethos. 

“A while ago they contacted us and asked if they could maybe play on some of our character models and backgrounds, since we’re on the same month,” said Jamie Green, a Capcom employee working on Resident Evil 3 Remake. “When we said we didn’t feel great about loaning important stuff like that out, they accused us of being cops and next thing I know the game’s being delayed until September. What a bunch of poseurs.” 

At press time, CD Projekt Red were denying the rumors that this game would be nowhere as good as their old shit.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

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