TRENTON, N.J. — Part-time dad and full-time punk Cody Heckyls discovered yesterday, when seeking flu remedies for his two-year-old son, that Pedialyte offers a kid-friendly version of their famous adult hangover solution, refreshed sources confirmed.
“This new Kid Pedialyte is a game changer for modern medicine,” exclaimed Heckyls. “I’ve been using the regular stuff for years now, and it’s gotten me through some tough hangovers. It’s very refreshing to see Big Pharma finally make this relief accessible to children.”
CVS manager Alicia Graves confirmed Heckyls came in visibly distraught and possibly inebriated.
“This guy stumbled into the store, going, ‘Help me, my son won’t stop throwing up, he can’t keep anything down!’ So, I pointed out that the Pedialyte was over on aisle eight. He did a full sprint towards the aisle and instantly ran back screaming, ‘No, no, I said it’s for my son! My son isn’t hungover, he has the flu! He’s only two years old! Who gives Pedialyte to a child?!’ I showed him the bottle says it’s for kids and adults, and I could see the light bulb switch on in his mind.”
“Then at checkout, he threw in a 32-oz. High Life for himself and called it his ‘Nobel Prize for Medicine,’” she added. “Who is actually watching this child?”
Grateful for his discovery, Heckyls did have one constructive criticism for the makers of Pedialyte.
“They really need to up their advertising game,” Heckyls suggested, polishing off a small bubblegum-flavored Pedialyte. “How is this not a major selling point? If the tables were turned and they suddenly started making this stuff for adults like me, I’d want to know. Parents who drink would surely want to know. And think of how many kids could benefit from this medicine, but their parents probably just don’t know about it? It’s just so irresponsible.”
CVS security footage confirmed Heckyls also spent considerable time scratching his head over the placement of Robitussin in the health and wellness section.