Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Record Store Owner Nervous Customers Will Find Out They Can Stream All These Albums on Spotify

Posted on January 19, 2020 by Kate Howard

BOSTON — Local record store owner Hank Lapkus is an anxious mess lately, spending every day hoping his customers don’t find out about the popular music streaming platform Spotify, concerned employees reported.

“I have no idea how I’ll be able to compete with a service where they can just listen to this crap on their phones,” Lapkus stated while gnawing on his fingernails. “Sure, I run an acclaimed record store that’s been successful for 28 years, but I’m afraid this whole ‘internet’ thing might really affect my sales. Spotify is already a lot cheaper than buying records, and if that thing is ever able to recommend other bands for people to listen to, I’m completely fucked.”

Regular customer Alice Miles noted that the normally easy-going and affectionate store owner has been “twitchy, sweaty, and aggressive” as of late.

“I was just telling Hank how I’d been searching for this one Boards of Canada album for years, and right when I was running out of hope, I found their whole discography right here in the store. They even had a couple of limited edition colorways I was super hyped on,” Miles explained. “He didn’t seem flattered, though… I thought he was going to rip out his hair. Hank sort of did this half-scream, half-sob thing, then ran into his office. I’m not sure what’s going on with him.”

The threat of streamable music is taking its toll on the beloved Bostonian, but Lapkus is not the only one struggling to find space for both vinyl and digital music: Shep Hanifin, a consultant from Spotify, confessed to having fears about the record store industry.

“I’m terrified customers will realize they could be getting much better sound quality with a turntable,” Hanifin spilled. “Right now the only interaction we have with listeners is curating playlists for them after fully stalking their data. Once our subscribers learn that a real-life human being smiles and says ‘hello’ to every customer that enters a record store, Spotify won’t stand a chance.”

In related news, leadership at Playboy is fretting about the fate of their business once readers stumble upon the internet sensation Pornhub.

We Built This City on Nu Metal and Now Our Entire Public Works Budget Is Devoted to JNCOs and Salvia

Posted on January 19, 2020 by James Knapp

Most called us crazy when we initially came up with a plan to build an entire city based around an early 2000’s alternative metal genre. Some even went so far as to criticize the idea as “fundamentally stupid” and “conceptually weird.” But we did it anyway, and today I’m happy to announce the completed construction of Nu Grungewick, the city that allots millions in public funds to provide residents with brand new JNCOs and all the salvia they can handle before their brains suffocate.

That’s right! In Nu Grungewick, every band also has a DJ, frosted tips are all the rage and Fred Durst’s bad checks are always honored. Here, 85% of all retail establishments are a combination lip piercing parlor/cargo pants store. All our public water fountains dispense is warm Monster energy drink.

While planning the economic policy for Nu Grungewick, some nerds tried to tell us that we should use some of our public works budget for bullshit like schools or hospitals. But we shipped those dorky fucks straight back to nerd-town because, clearly, they don’t know our public.

What those dweeby “accountants” didn’t understand is the foolproof genius of the JNCOs-Salvia economic model. Whenever a resident smokes so much salvia that they pass out and shit themselves, BAM, new JNCOs free of charge. And of course then they’re going to wanna celebrate getting a new pair of JNCOs by getting high. More salvia on the government dime. And thus the cycle repeats and our economy never stagnates. Suck it, nerds! Debt is an asset!

So if you’re looking to make a change, consider moving to Nu Grungewick; where no one will ever mock you’re bleached goatee, every Staind cover band has value and the city mascot is just a white guy with dreadlocks.

Nu Grungewick: The only city on 911’s blocked calls list.

REPORT: Half of All iPhone Storage Dedicated to Screenshots Sent to Friends to Talk Shit

Posted on January 19, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple released a surprising new report today, revealing that the average iPhone owner uses roughly half of their storage space to save screenshots of dumb tweets, Instagram photos, and pirvate conversations to share with other friends for the purpose of talking shit.

“We expected most phones to be clogged with photos of babies, pets, and a lot of ‘before’ photos of someone trying to get in shape,” said Apple’s Consumer Trends specialist Enzo Henriques. “What we found were mainly screenshots texted to a third party for the purpose of shitting on the screenshot’s subject. Honestly, I thought I was the only one that did this, but it turns out nearly 99% of iPhone owners do it — the other 1% reported they don’t know how to do screenshots on iPhone X or newer.”

Apple loyalist Iain MacIver claimed he constantly has to delete old screenshots in order to make room in his phone for new ones.

“I’ve upgraded my iCloud storage about five times already and I still can’t keep up,” said MacIver. “I blame my friends for being such fuckwads — like when my buddy Paul split with his wife and posted all these super cringe-worthy selfies, like him on a swing set with the caption, ‘Life is full of ups and downs, but I’m just enjoying the ride.’ I sent that to a group chat with a few other friends and we spent the next four hours roasting the dude. Looking through most of the screenshots I’ve saved made me realize I hate almost everybody I know.”

Experts note that, even if you think you’re a pleasant person, it’s almost guaranteed someone has screenshotted something you said in order to talk behind your back.

“The average internet user is a bitter husk of a person who wants nothing more than to take you down a peg,” said social anthropologist Roemello Agjmurati. “If you posted a picture of you holding your newborn, someone is definitely sharing that photo and saying, ‘How are her friends letting her walk around with these eyebrows? I feel like calling CPS.’ Or when you tweet that you want to go back and finish your degree this year, a person you consider a close friend is most certainly saying, ‘She’s way too old to fuck her way through school this time.’ It’s just a sad fact of society today.”

Apple also confirmed that 100% of voicemails begin and end with, “This is your mother.”

Game Critic Describes New Stapler as ‘Positively Oozing With Charm’

Posted on January 19, 2020 by Ian Kitchen

SAN FRANCISCO — IGN game critic Michael Sherman has reportedly cracked under the pressure of his job and issued a review of the stapler in his office, which describes it as, “positively oozing with charm.”

“Simply put, this is the best stapler in the franchise to date,” began the review published by Sherman com late one night after everyone else had left the office. “The buttery smooth controls of this newest stapler are truly a triumph of design. Utterly groundbreaking.”

He continued praising the stapler, saying it was “lovingly crafted” and a “killer app.” Adding to these buzzwords, he vocalized how difficult the new stapler could be, calling it “tough-as-nails hard at times,” and, “a worthy challenge.”

Coworkers report that this is merely the latest in a series of signs that Sherman has been overworked, dating back several months.

“He had to finish a 60 hour game in like, 7 hours, then write a review for it,” said fellow IGN employee Joshua Steadman. “Happens all the time. This one seemed to have broken him, though. Something about his eyes. There was nothing there. It would appear that the immense toll of game journalism proved too much for him.”

Following our initial interviews, several IGN employees reached out to express concern at Sherman’s continued focus on reviewing the stapler and all of its peripherals.

“I stopped by to check on him the other day, and he was doing an unboxing video in his office,” said fellow IGN employee Robin Vickers. “Which doesn’t sound so strange on its own. However, it was just a box of staples, and as best as I could tell, there was no recording being made. He just kept pulling out strips of staples and talking about how they’d fit into the ‘franchise,’ which I guess means the stapler. I hope he gets some time off soon.”

As of press time, Sherman’s stapler review was causing controversy online, with many commenters stating that an 8 out of 10 was too generous.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

5 Ways to Practice Self-Love That Pretty Much Only Work If You’re Rich and Super Hot

Posted on January 19, 2020 by Bobby Korec

Us rich and hot people receive so much love on a daily basis that we often forget practicing self-love is just as important, if not more important, than love from others. We are the best, after all. Our love is just worth more. That’s why I put together this list of all the things you need to get started practicing self-love, assuming your parents are rich and you are super hot, obviously.

1. Sell Yourself on Instagram Daily

Start a daily practice of posting photos of yourself on Insta every single day. Preferably on your yacht or, for those less fortunate, your sailing catamaran. Be sure to show off your smokin’ hot body and watch those sweet, sweet likes flood your push notifications. Allowing others to show you love through a social media platform gives you all the validation you need to practice self-love.

2. Look in the Mirror and Straight Up Tell Yourself How Hot You Are

Posting photos of yourself online is a great way to show yourself that you don’t need anyone’s approval, but what if your phone is dead? Well, here’s a life hack: A few times a day take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself how absolutely stunning you are. And if you aren’t familiar with mirrors, they’re like big phone screens that always have their cameras front-facing. Or as us rich and hot say, “on flip.”

3. Compare Yourself to Others

Ever see a homeless person or a Twitter page with only 20 followers? Fucking yuck. Next time you encounter one of these horrors (fingers crossed you never have to, love!) use this as an opportunity to practice self-love and think, “Isn’t it amazing to be me?!” See, it’s important to take time to recognize those more fortunate than them, like yourself.

4. Cut Out Toxic People

It can be difficult to recognize who is toxic in your life and there are a few red flags to look out for. First thing you should do is take an inventory of all your friends and rank each and every one of them. If they’re not incessantly telling you how attractive you are, they’re probably toxic. If they don’t like any of your selfies on Instagram, cut ‘em! If they succeed and that makes you unhappy, throw their toxic butts to the curb!

5. Forgive Yourself the Second You Start to Feel Guilt

Have you ever ruthlessly stabbed your friend in the back for personal gain or totaled your parents’ Range Rover after you took it out for a joyride without their permission? Well forgiveness is a virtue, just like you. So forgive yourself. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life. Plus, if your parents are anything like mine, they can just buy a new one! Removing negative vibes from your heart just makes more room for more love! Specifically, self-love.

Amps Outnumber Attendees 6 to 1 at Weeknight Doom Metal Show

Posted on January 19, 2020 by Rick Homuth

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — Cabs, heads, and amplifiers of all kinds outnumbered attendees for a weeknight doom metal show last night at local bar Jimmy’s Ice House, long-haired sources in denim vests confirmed.

“If that wall of amps comes down, it could crush everyone here, and we don’t have the manpower to dig people out. The impact would probably register as seismic activity,” said venue owner Jimmy Cimmareri. “The bands have been unloading dozens of heavy-ass amps and a bunch of other big, electronic-looking shit out of four different Uhaul trucks since noon today. I’m not sure how they make any money — the turnout isn’t exactly stellar. My guess is it’s because they insisted on going up against Torta Tuesday at Garcia’s across the street.”

Margot Westland, tasked with promoting the show, woke all six of her housemates up at 6 a.m. to help load in countless Ampeg SVTs, Mesa Boogie Powerhouses, Peavey 2x15s, and Marshall full-stacks.

“I was kinda worried about not having enough gear, so we hauled out everything from our practice space just to be safe,” Westland said, wiping sweat off her forehead during load-in. “It took us a little longer than normal because we broke the freight elevator again and had to walk each piece of equipment down four flights of stairs. But this will all be worth it as soon as we start playing and this fucking place gets so loud it peels the skin off of everyone’s face.”

Frequent Jimmy’s patron Stan Majcinek, unaware of the show scheduled that evening, believed the band might be overdoing it.

“This is a really small space. A full stack is usually more than enough to get the job done,” said Majcinek from behind a load-bearing pillar. “I’m not sure this place can handle the electricity draw required to power everything: I saw some of the band members setting up generators in the back, so I’m really not sure what to expect. I’m not a religious man, but I’m praying that stage is strong enough to hold up tonight.”

However, attending doom metal fans enjoyed the show, noting how fast the evening went by when the opening band almost finished playing after three hours.

59-Year-Old Man Is 413 in Punk Years

Posted on January 18, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

STAFFORD, Texas — 59-year-old custom bathroom tile salesman John Canales was shocked to learn from his punk son yesterday that he would be 413 in “punk years,” due to the horrible, unforgiving DIY lifestyle.

“I wasn’t happy about being almost 60, but I was somewhat relieved when my son told me, had I been punk like he is, I’d be 413. A quadro-centenarian. But then I was depressed again, realizing that means my 20-year-old Gavin has the body of a 140-year-old,” said Canales. “Now that I know about ‘punk years,’ so much about my son’s health makes sense now — like his god-awful posture, and the time he got a CAT scan and the sight of his internal organs made the medical intern vomit. I tried asking Gavin if being punk was worth the toll it took on his body… but he didn’t hear me due to tinnitus.”

Gavin Canales explained the perils of being a “20-year-old geezer.”

“My dog’s lucky — she doesn’t have the ability to understand that she’s seven times her actual age. I have to live with that shit every day,” said the punk. “Thanks to years of boozing, sleeping on floors, moshing, and just general jackassery, I don’t even feel like a young person: I actually relate way more to my grandpa and his buddies down at the American Legion hall — those are some real motherfuckers. Plus, my band plays at that hall all the time, and those guys are hilarious.”

However, Rice University professor Dr. Sara Wallins disputed the idea that one year as a punk is the equivalent to seven as a normal functioning adult, calling it a “gross oversimplification.”

“Just like with dogs, It’s actually a myth that punk’s age seven times as fast as real humans. It’s also a myth that punks are capable of living past 40 — in fact, if any middle-age chode claims to be a punk, they’re a poser,” said Dr. Wallins. “You could straight-up spit in their face and they won’t do shit.”

As for his future, Gavin plans to move into his grandpa’s retirement community next week, where he will spend evenings drinking whiskey, discussing how music sucks now, and how they both spent their teen years fighting Nazis. John, however, will continue working until he’s eligible for social security at 584 punk years old.

Feel Old Yet? Skyrim Was Released 9 Years Ago, 7 Years Ago, 4 Years Ago, 3 Years Ago, and 2 Years Ago

Posted on January 18, 2020 by Jimmy Beliakoff

Are you ready to feel the sting of time? The beloved fantasy RPG Skyrim, the hugely successful fifth game in the Elder Scrolls franchise, was released nine years ago, seven years ago, four years ago, three years ago, and two years ago! Can you believe it?

As we enter an election year, we can’t help but think back all the way back to 2016. It’s hard to believe that four years ago, Skyrim was already a 5-year-old game that was merely a single year away from being ported to the Nintendo Switch.

It seems like just yesterday, we were lining up outside of a GameStop at midnight, shivering in the cold November air of 2011, while we waited to get our hands on the brand new Bethesda release. It also seems like just yesterday that we grabbed the Legendary Edition on Steam a couple years after that, as well as when we tried the port on PS4 three years later, of course.

It also, in fact, feels like just yesterday that they did the PC port of the VR version two years after that PlayStation port in 2018.

Sure, none of us are getting any younger, but unlike Skyrim — which just turned nine, seven, four, three, and two — some things are as timeless as first journeying across the tundra as the mighty Dovahkiin for the first, second, third, fourth, and fifth time.

What can we expect for the future of Skyrim? Nothing has been confirmed yet, but we’re only a year out from the first of many Skyrim 10th Anniversary celebrations, so keep an eye on your calendars, you old sacks of shit!

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Opinion: Yeah, Well Maybe John Darnielle Doesn’t Like Your Whiny Voice Either

Posted on January 18, 2020 by Doug Francisco

When you told me you’d never heard The Mountain Goats before I was over the moon. Finally, I got to give someone the gift of listening to the best religious folk punk band from Durham, North Carolina for the first time. And how do you repay me? By telling me you found John Darnielle’s voice “grating”. Well listen buddy, maybe John Darnielle doesn’t like your sniveling, whiny fucking voice either.

I started you with the early stuff because I thought you could handle it, but I guess not. You know what, I’m going to record everything you have to say about “All Hail West Texas” on a Panasonic RX-FT500 and send the tape to John and see what he says. See how you like someone ripping your dumbass voice to shreds.

I truly don’t give a shit if you “like the lyrics” but “just can’t get past the voice.” I can’t stand any of the things you say or the way you say them. Both suck. At least when John Darnielle gets nasally he’s singing about cool shit like divorce and vampires. All you ever talk about is your dumb opinions and your dumb family. I would listen to a thousand more songs about Golden Boy peanuts before I heard you say one more brain dead thing about how your kid is walking real good.

Also, your best work (your kid) couldn’t hold a candle to Darnielle’s worst (whichever album came out after I turned 23). His songs are timeless. Your kid would be lucky to make it to adulthood with a dad as dumb as you. You know what? Maybe you shouldn’t even have a kid. If you can’t appreciate “Tallahassee,” what’s to say you won’t leave your kid in a hot car? Give me your kid. I’m serious.

So yeah, look in a mirror before you go throwing stones. Your words matter. I mean, yours don’t. No one listens to you because no one can get past your whiny voice. I hope you die. Full stop.

Guy Winning Poker Game Not Sure How or Why

Posted on January 18, 2020 by Ben Friedman

MINNEAPOLIS — First time poker player Ryan Feldman is absolutely cleaning out his friends in a game of Texas Hold ‘Em, though he’s not sure how or why he’s doing so well, frustrated sources report.

“I figured I’d just pick up the rules as we went along, but this is way too confusing… I’m just putting down cards I think might be nice and I keep winning,“ said Feldman, sweating nervously in his friend’s bathroom between hands. “At this rate, I’m following everyone else’s cues and doing the opposite. Like, I guess face cards are always good? Anyway, I’ve just been waiting to see how everyone else reacts to my hands before I celebrate. I never know when to knock, or how many points I have. Wait, I think that’s Gin Rummy.”

Poker night host and close friend Doug Waters admitted he was caught off-guard by Feldman’s skills.

“I invited Ryan mostly because we were one person short, and frankly, I figured we could take him for a few bucks. But goddamn, is he kicking our asses — I can’t even read the guy, he’s so stone faced. He’s not giving anything away,” said Waters. “One hand he has a nut flush and he doesn’t even crack a smile; the next, he keeps raising and raising and we all fold just to find out he only had pocket 2’s. He’s really getting into our heads, and now I’m out $50.”

While Feldman’s friends are flabbergasted, outside poker experts were cautious to chalk his success up to actual talent.

“Ryan is in too deep to admit he has no idea what he’s doing, but he’s far too unskilled to call him an idiot savant. He’s just fucking lucky,” said poker enthusiast Murphy Miller. “People spend lots of time reading books about statistics and poker strategies, but in all honesty, anyone can bullshit their way through it if they furrow their brow enough times when someone raises.”

At press time, Feldman was spotted on ESPN2 looking visibly panicked, one hand away from winning the World Series of Poker after bluffing with a Joker and the “Rules of the Game” card.

Photo by Ben Friedman.

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