Press "Enter" to skip to content

Guy Winning Poker Game Not Sure How or Why

MINNEAPOLIS — First time poker player Ryan Feldman is absolutely cleaning out his friends in a game of Texas Hold ‘Em, though he’s not sure how or why he’s doing so well, frustrated sources report.

“I figured I’d just pick up the rules as we went along, but this is way too confusing… I’m just putting down cards I think might be nice and I keep winning,“ said Feldman, sweating nervously in his friend’s bathroom between hands. “At this rate, I’m following everyone else’s cues and doing the opposite. Like, I guess face cards are always good? Anyway, I’ve just been waiting to see how everyone else reacts to my hands before I celebrate. I never know when to knock, or how many points I have. Wait, I think that’s Gin Rummy.”

Poker night host and close friend Doug Waters admitted he was caught off-guard by Feldman’s skills.

“I invited Ryan mostly because we were one person short, and frankly, I figured we could take him for a few bucks. But goddamn, is he kicking our asses — I can’t even read the guy, he’s so stone faced. He’s not giving anything away,” said Waters. “One hand he has a nut flush and he doesn’t even crack a smile; the next, he keeps raising and raising and we all fold just to find out he only had pocket 2’s. He’s really getting into our heads, and now I’m out $50.”

While Feldman’s friends are flabbergasted, outside poker experts were cautious to chalk his success up to actual talent.

“Ryan is in too deep to admit he has no idea what he’s doing, but he’s far too unskilled to call him an idiot savant. He’s just fucking lucky,” said poker enthusiast Murphy Miller. “People spend lots of time reading books about statistics and poker strategies, but in all honesty, anyone can bullshit their way through it if they furrow their brow enough times when someone raises.”

At press time, Feldman was spotted on ESPN2 looking visibly panicked, one hand away from winning the World Series of Poker after bluffing with a Joker and the “Rules of the Game” card.

Photo by Ben Friedman.