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Amps Outnumber Attendees 6 to 1 at Weeknight Doom Metal Show

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — Cabs, heads, and amplifiers of all kinds outnumbered attendees for a weeknight doom metal show last night at local bar Jimmy’s Ice House, long-haired sources in denim vests confirmed.

“If that wall of amps comes down, it could crush everyone here, and we don’t have the manpower to dig people out. The impact would probably register as seismic activity,” said venue owner Jimmy Cimmareri. “The bands have been unloading dozens of heavy-ass amps and a bunch of other big, electronic-looking shit out of four different Uhaul trucks since noon today. I’m not sure how they make any money — the turnout isn’t exactly stellar. My guess is it’s because they insisted on going up against Torta Tuesday at Garcia’s across the street.”

Margot Westland, tasked with promoting the show, woke all six of her housemates up at 6 a.m. to help load in countless Ampeg SVTs, Mesa Boogie Powerhouses, Peavey 2x15s, and Marshall full-stacks.

“I was kinda worried about not having enough gear, so we hauled out everything from our practice space just to be safe,” Westland said, wiping sweat off her forehead during load-in. “It took us a little longer than normal because we broke the freight elevator again and had to walk each piece of equipment down four flights of stairs. But this will all be worth it as soon as we start playing and this fucking place gets so loud it peels the skin off of everyone’s face.”

Frequent Jimmy’s patron Stan Majcinek, unaware of the show scheduled that evening, believed the band might be overdoing it.

“This is a really small space. A full stack is usually more than enough to get the job done,” said Majcinek from behind a load-bearing pillar. “I’m not sure this place can handle the electricity draw required to power everything: I saw some of the band members setting up generators in the back, so I’m really not sure what to expect. I’m not a religious man, but I’m praying that stage is strong enough to hold up tonight.”

However, attending doom metal fans enjoyed the show, noting how fast the evening went by when the opening band almost finished playing after three hours.