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We Built This City on Nu Metal and Now Our Entire Public Works Budget Is Devoted to JNCOs and Salvia

Most called us crazy when we initially came up with a plan to build an entire city based around an early 2000’s alternative metal genre. Some even went so far as to criticize the idea as “fundamentally stupid” and “conceptually weird.” But we did it anyway, and today I’m happy to announce the completed construction of Nu Grungewick, the city that allots millions in public funds to provide residents with brand new JNCOs and all the salvia they can handle before their brains suffocate.

That’s right! In Nu Grungewick, every band also has a DJ, frosted tips are all the rage and Fred Durst’s bad checks are always honored. Here, 85% of all retail establishments are a combination lip piercing parlor/cargo pants store. All our public water fountains dispense is warm Monster energy drink.

While planning the economic policy for Nu Grungewick, some nerds tried to tell us that we should use some of our public works budget for bullshit like schools or hospitals. But we shipped those dorky fucks straight back to nerd-town because, clearly, they don’t know our public.

What those dweeby “accountants” didn’t understand is the foolproof genius of the JNCOs-Salvia economic model. Whenever a resident smokes so much salvia that they pass out and shit themselves, BAM, new JNCOs free of charge. And of course then they’re going to wanna celebrate getting a new pair of JNCOs by getting high. More salvia on the government dime. And thus the cycle repeats and our economy never stagnates. Suck it, nerds! Debt is an asset!

So if you’re looking to make a change, consider moving to Nu Grungewick; where no one will ever mock you’re bleached goatee, every Staind cover band has value and the city mascot is just a white guy with dreadlocks.

 

Nu Grungewick: The only city on 911’s blocked calls list.

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