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Punk Parents to Squeeze Out 17 Years of Excuses to Miss Show from Single Baby

JEFFERSON CITY, Mo. — Local punks and new parents Desi Stark and Darion Foster look forward to using their newborn baby Shea as the perfect excuse to miss their friend’s band’s shows for the next 17 years, sources who think it shouldn’t be that hard to get a babysitter so you can support your friends confirmed.

“We’re so happy to meet our little Shea Alexandra, and we’re both already so in love,” Stark said of the six-pound, three-ounce being that will allow them to stay home every Tuesday night with zero guilt for nearly the next two decades. “She’s such a blessing to us both — we’ve already been able to miss three record release shows on weeknights in the last two months thanks to her, and we look forward to not hosting any more touring bands that clog our toilets and don’t tell anyone about it for basically the rest of our lives. Welcome home, Shea!”

The introduction of the new baby is expected to pay off for years to come.

“The decision to have a baby isn’t one we made lightly — we took a lot of things into consideration before we finally decided to take the plunge. We talked to a lot of parents who haven’t been to a show since 2005, and read a lot of Facebook comments with excuses no one could argue with,” said Foster. “Sure, having a kid is super expensive, and definitely requires a lot of money up front, but we have a friend who just got divorced and started a record label, so we just don’t wanna have to pretend to support that bullshit well into our 40s. We’re looking at it as an investment that will, hopefully, appreciate over time.”

Friends close to the couple, while happy for them, are already suspicious of their motives.

“Good for them, obviously, but some things just seem to not really be adding up,” said longtime friend and musician currently in three bands, Melissa Obikan. “Like, the last time I talked to Des, as soon as I said, ‘This Friday,’ she cut me off and said, ‘Oh, you know I’d love to, but, you know… the baby.’ But I was just going to tell her about my dad’s upcoming heart surgery.”

Stark and Foster are reportedly also considering adding a senior dog in need of hospice care to their family after Stark’s mom publicly offered to “…watch that little angel anytime, you just let me know.”