My First Pride: I Wore Doc Martens to the Beach and Now I’m Bisexual

Posted on by Tracy Kellett

Life is full of little surprises, like finding a crumpled $20 in the wash, or a pregnancy scare. But this past weekend I got the surprise of my life: after wearing Doc Martens to the beach I discovered I am bisexual.

I’ve always had nothing but love for the LGBTQIA+ community. If you ask me to have a Kiki, I will Kiki it up with you all goddamn night. But like every other heterosexual woman who only makes out with beautiful women after one drink at the bar, I assumed I was an ally.

My heart was still shattered after being dumped by yet another gamer who wore his Supreme fanny pack like a cross-body purse. I needed some time to myself. So I packed up my Subaru, threw on my trusty Docs, and headed down to Pensacola for a weekend of relaxation fish tacos and, unbeknownst to me, self-discovery.

When I arrived at the beach I went to throw on my flip-flops but for some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to take my Docs off. It was like they were wearing me. These old black boots that I once peed on in the pit of a Suicidal Tendencies show were suddenly too hard to remove, and for the first time, not just because of crippling blisters. So I clipped my keys to the carabiner attached to my board shorts headed out to rock my Docs in the sand and felt like myself for the first time.

In retrospect, the signs were always there. I always thought “I Kissed a Girl” was a fucking banger, and I was never threatened when my boyfriends would put on lesbian porn. Who wants to see dick anyway?. But it wasn’t until boot touched sand that the truth about myself hit me over the head like a… well like a Doc Martin.

At first, I felt a little awkward. I was getting so much attention from other women. Were they concerned about how awful my tan lines would be? Had they all had 1 drink and were looking for a quick makeout sesh? That’s when I realized: I hadn’t had any drinks and wanted to kiss them all.

Were the rumors about me at softball sleep-away camp true? Could I be, bi? And at that moment, I didn’t care. My Docs, the beach, and the bevy of beauties enjoying their Bud Light Platinums had conspired for a weekend of bisexual enchantment I’ll never forget. I was even gifted a pair of Melissa Etheridge tickets by a girl I met — can’t wait to see what I learn about myself that weekend!

Parents Finally Allow Middle-Aged Son to Watch Beavis and Butthead

Posted on by Matt McInerney

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — Local parents Jean and Tom Decker finally decided it’s acceptable to let their middle-aged son watch that new Beavis and Butthead movie, sources close to the family confirmed.

“Our son Ryan pretty much only calls if he needs money or a password for one of our streaming services. Usually we don’t mind him. That is until we saw that disgusting ‘Butthead’ guy had a new movie, and we knew exactly what our son was up to,” said Jean Decker, frowning disapprovingly. “I guess he thinks he’s hiding it from us? He used to do this as a kid too. Ryan would sneak downstairs after bedtime and turn on MTV, thinking we couldn’t hear him laughing every time they said ‘teehee for my bung pole’ or whatever it was. But I guess now that he’s 37, it’s time for our boy to learn what a ‘Cornholio’ is.”

Despite being an adult with an apartment and Carpal Tunnel, Ryan Decker was not willing to tell his parents he wanted to watch the once-controversial cartoon duo.

“I’ve been a fan since I was a kid, so when I heard about the new movie, I was stoked. Until I found out it’s only on Paramount+,” said Decker. “And since paying $7.99 for my own account would absolutely decimate my finances, I had to ask my parents to use theirs. It made me feel like a little kid again. By the way, you don’t think they can see what I’m watching on their account, right? Is there a way to clear history?”

Researcher Georgia Quintero explained how television shows like “Beavis and Butthead” affect young minds such as Decker.

“I really focus more on how children are affected by film and television. It can have a pretty major effect on young people and shape how they see the world. But I guess it’s somewhat similar for a middle-aged man-child,” Quintero said. “Well, if they’re super interested in Beavis and Butthead still, it feels fair to assume they are as emotionally mature as a child anyway. And if that’s the case… I guess it’s pretty harmless, really… Like, what could possibly happen? They’re going to get ‘more ruined’ by a movie at this point? I doubt it.”

At press time, Ryan was overheard calling his parents again, asking if he could stay on the family cell phone plan for “just a few more years.”

/**/

Cannibalistic Serial Killer Pleased He Can Still Fit Into First Skin Suit

Posted on by Tim Graham

KENOSHA, Wis. — The long-hunted serial murderer known only as The Kenosha Cannibal was pleasantly surprised he could still slip into the first suit he’d made from a victim’s skin, a community of dark web forum commenters confirmed.

“Maybe I’ve got a little body dysmorphia going on because I was sure I must’ve gained fifty pounds over the past decade. When I was younger I’d make a game out of chasing my victims and cutting them up. Lately I’ve just been letting them fall into one of my sadistic traps. It’s lead to a dormant lifestyle,” said the reclusive murderer in a grainy video, seen in silhouette, surrounded by swinging chains, steam and dripping water. “But it turns out the very first skin suit I made out of my first victim still fits like a glove. Granted, I do have to oil up pretty thoroughly to slip it on, but still, it’s great to know I haven’t let myself go too much.”

Online acquaintance and fellow psychopathic murderer The Back Bay Butcher recognized what a feat keeping in shape is for those sharing their unusual proclivities.

“Guys like us spend a lot of time alone in basements, caves or abandoned carnivals, laying low, just eating whatever we want,” said The Butcher in a recent video, seen sharpening a cartoonishly large meat cleaver. “Most of us don’t have anyone we’re trying to stay in shape for. Physically, I’m sort of a Gacy, but Kenosha has more of a Bundy physique. What’s his secret? Fast metabolism? Keto? I know he’s not going to the gym. He’s a little too antisocial for that. Plus, people would probably find his occult facial tattoos and sharpened teeth off-putting.”

FBI profiler Special Agent Eileen Hess explained that vanity is a trait shared by many serial killers—one which can often lead to their capture.

“It’s their hubris that usually brings about their downfall,” said the agent on a midnight stakeout outside a dilapidated doll factory. “If they kept their mouths shut, law enforcement would have a much harder time. Luckily for us, these creeps can’t stop bragging about their latest kill, how they tricked the cops, or in this case, that they’ve managed to maintain their figure despite being well into middle age. We pick up clues from their letters and humble-brag videos which help us to hone in on these lunatics.”

At press time, authorities were closing in on the Rehoboth Ripper after finding clues in an Ice Blood Bucket challenge video released by the killer.

Punk Only Keeping Office Job for Access to Copy Machine Hits 15-Year Anniversary

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Local punk and administrative assistant Ross Taylor celebrated fifteen years at a job that he claims he only really keeps because of the easy access to a Xerox machine and free office supplies, confirmed multiple coworkers.

“I don’t really even need to be here,” Taylor reported while eating a slice of cake that was purchased in honor of his time with the company. “I really just show up every day from eight-thirty to five so I can print some flyers for my band’s shows and hard copies of my zine ‘This Anarchist Life.’ Plus, they are probably losing money on all the free coffee I drink. I mean, I’d just be sitting at home watching TV during the day, I may as well get paid for playing on Facebook and preparing the occasional spreadsheet.”

Taylor’s coworkers, however, feel like he may be deluding himself.

“He started as a part-time clerk in order to pay rent until his band made it, whatever that means,” Human Resources Manager Leslie Hopkins. “That was fifteen years and three promotions ago. He may say that he only stays here for the office supplies but he’s one of the hardest workers in the office. He used to show up in tattered jeans and offensive t-shirts and now he’s business casual through and through and is usually the one who collects signatures on birthday cards to keep morale up. He just bought a house for Christ’s sake, he isn’t going anywhere.”

Career counselor Jasmine Bailey explained that this is a very common occurrence.

“We consider it a form of Stockholm Syndrome, where the person has convinced themselves that they are taking advantage of their employer over reams of paper and free internet,” Bailey explained. “Suddenly they look up and they are vested in a 401k, going to their boss’ kid’s birthday parties, and designing their new corner office. Next thing you know their band is just playing cover songs at a bar and grill on Fridays.”

As of press time, Taylor stated he was about to quit but decided to stay in order to use the office’s upgraded Zoom account to start a podcast.

Person Who Has Never Seen “Star Wars” Not Saying That Because They Want You to Show Them “Star Wars”

Posted on by Stephen Bell

CARSON CITY, Nev. — Local graphic designer Sam Davis regretted ever mentioning that he’s never seen “Star Wars” after being inundated with offers by everyone he’s ever known to show him the film, confirmed sources who have the entire collection on Blu-Ray.

“Everyone was talking about the Obi-Wan series at work and I casually mentioned I had never seen anything ‘Star Wars’ related. Big mistake,” said Davis. “Suddenly everyone was saying things like ‘what?!’ and ‘how?’ and ‘you have to, it’s an iconic movie,’ and one guy from accounting even said he was going to ‘knock me the fuck out’ if I don’t watch it with him. I felt like I was about to be treated like the guy from ‘A Clockwork Orange’ with my eyelids peeled open. That’s what I get for letting them know I didn’t understand the references they were making, I guess?”

Connor MacDuff has tried to foist the ‘70s space pirate movie on Davis since they became friends in college

“Oh goodness, it’s so rare that you get this opportunity to expose someone to ‘Star Wars’ for the first time,” said an ecstatic MacDuff. “I’m going to convince him to take a week off work so I can show them to him in order, or I could use the ‘Machete Order’ where after ‘Empire’ I show him the prequels so the Darth Vader father reveal feels like a flashback. I hope he’s been able to avoid that spoiler, but that’s probably wishful thinking. Would it be asking too much to have him watch the entire ‘Clone Wars series as well? Though we might skip the sequels because umm… yeah.”

“Star Wars” creator George Lucas offered an apology to everyone who hasn’t seen the franchise

“I’m glad people like my work and are so excited to share it,” said Lucas. “But forcing people to watch it and conform to your beliefs about the films feels like something the Empire would do. I mean yes the special effects were groundbreaking, the story was fun and compelling, the Jedi were mysterious and intriguing, and lasers and lightsabers are cool as hell. But if people want to be boring and reject that then that’s their prerogative. I hope they live long and prosper regardless. Wait, that’s a ‘Star Trek’ reference.”

At press time, Davis found himself in even more peril after accidentally mentioning he hadn’t seen the “Lord of The Rings” either.

Last Song on Album Six Goddamn Minutes Long for Some Fucking Reason

Posted on by John Danek

BALTIMORE — Ferocious garage punk rockers Cigarettes Saved My Life challenged expectations by including a six-minute ballad at the end of their most recent album, confirmed multiple enraged fans who have no idea what the band is trying to prove.

“Even their shorter songs that last around three minutes are pushing it, but ‘Vibrating Moon’ is six minutes and six motherfucking seconds long, and I really don’t have the time or patience to sit through an epic like that,” said disgruntled fan Gretchen Small, who has been rumored to anonymously threaten the band so they never play the song live. “But I’m not that surprised. The band does momentum-stopping shit like this all the time. They take forever to come back for an encore. And their merch takes 12 weeks minimum to ship. I guess I should have seen this coming.”

The primary songwriter behind Cigarettes Saved My Life is proud of “Vibrating Moon” and hopes to write more like it, apparently oblivious to why his band has fans in the first place.

“I want the world to know that we are capable of doing more than writing short rippers with great hooks. We are a little older and mature now and as those songs represented us better in our early twenties than they do now in our more introspective mid-twenties,” admitted vocalist and rhythm guitarist Beckett Thompson. “That’s why I decided to bring this latest album to a crawl with its final song. It’s a slow dirge ruminating on the weirdness of existence, and I want our fans to know that I am available to play the song at your wedding, for a fee.”

The band’s record label, Gout Records, encouraged the band to try writing something different as an experiment.

“They turned in another tight 36-minute album as per usual, but I asked them to add one more longer song at the end as a way to maximize streaming revenue,” confessed label head Reena Hendrickson. “Spotify and the others don’t count any plays under 30 seconds, so I thought fans would get to this terribly boring song at the end but not realize it for a minute or so. Then, by the time they hit the ‘next’ button, we will already have logged a play. Turns out the experiment didn’t work and fans are unfollowing the band at an alarming rate. The label is folding.”

Cigarettes Saved My Life reportedly continues to estrange longtime fans by replacing all the t-shirts at their merch table with embroidered cardigans.

Feel Old Yet? All of the Flies on the Cover of Alice in Chains’ “Jar of Flies” EP Are Dead Now

Posted on by Zach Hudson

It’s hard to believe that Alice In Chains’ iconic EP “Jar of Flies” is almost thirty-years-old. What’s even harder to believe, and to accept, is how many of the players who helped make this instant classic are now gone, including of course Layne Staley, and fifty-seven flies.

The band’s third studio EP, which features hits such as “I Stay Away” and “No Excuses,” went triple platinum, and further cemented them as one of America’s top rock bands and grunge icons. However, little is known about the darker side of “Jar of Flies.” More than half of the flies did not survive the cover shooting, and those that did were never the same.

The Hard Times caught up with the child on the album cover, who requested to remain anonymous, for comment.

“It still haunts me to this day. The jar was sealed, they couldn’t get out. I just had to sit there and watch them die. I kept asking “won’t somebody do something!?” but no one did. I haven’t been the same since. Whenever I hear ‘Nutshell’, I break down in tears.”

Alice In Chains guitarist Jerry Cantrell, who came up with the idea for the cover based on a science experiment he conducted as a child, declined to comment.

The flies that did survive took many different paths in life. Many turned to alcohol or tragically ended their own lives. Some of the survivors went on to advocate for insect rights and remained committed activists until their deaths. Fly Number 42 and Fly Number 21 went on to have successful careers in show business, and were featured as extras in several films, including “Braveheart” and “Tommy Boy.”

Although many of the flies met a tragic and untimely end, and those that survived have all since passed on, their influence on the band’s legacy cannot be ignored. If you find yourself revisiting this landmark EP, remember the flies; for without them the jar would be empty, and this haunting masterpiece wouldn’t carry the weight that it does.

Punk Kid Knows His Geography but Isn’t About to Rat Out Carmen Sandiego to the Cops

Posted on by Stephen Bell

PHILO, Ohio — Local 8th grader and “true” punk Tim Krenalka reportedly knows his geography pretty well, but refuses to participate in any lesson which would alert the authorities to the whereabouts of Carmen Sandiego, confirmed members of the school faculty.

“It’s no surprise to me that the cops can’t do their fucking jobs and need to rely on the help of literal children,” said the rebellious gumshoe. “But don’t come into my classroom and try to get me to help and snitch on her location by asking the capital of Rhode Island because I’m not a rat. Besides, what did Carmen even do that’s so bad? One of the stories said she stole the Coca-Cola recipe. Big whoop! If you ask me, those corporate obesity juice pushers deserve to be taken down a notch. If anything she’s a hero of the people.”

Krenalka’s teacher Kevin Olvera feels that his most opinionated student was missing the point of the video game.

“I get that Timmy here has some strong moral convictions,” said Olvera. “But it is just a geography video game, it’s not a direct link to law enforcement. Normally when I suggest a student play a video game they jump at the chance. Instead, this kid kept ranting about how the Chief was just trying to use child labor and how the cops set up Fred Hampton in Chicago. Ironically he actually knew tons of U.S. capitals because of the civil unrest caused by over-policing in those cities. I mean I guess if he learns somehow that’s all that matters. Though I wish he hadn’t carved AGAB (all gumshoes are bastards) onto the computer desk.”

Carmen Sandiego game developer Rob Reynolds was open to making changes to the game.

“Honestly I think the kid is making some good criticism,” said Reynolds. “ACME has become a bloated corpse of a detective agency that only really serves the interests of corporations and rich people who are Carmen’s only targets. Realistically, they deserve it. From now on all geography data will be related to the actual real-life locations of rich people’s homes and where they keep the best loot. Maybe we can breed a brand new generation of Carmens who will finally redistribute the wealth back to the people where it belongs.”

At press time, Krenalka had apparently taken his own bite out of crime by biting the guy in a McGruff the Crime Dog costume who was taking photos with children at the mall.

Legendary Bass Cab Still Going Strong After Absorbing 16th Beer

Posted on by Scott Murray

ST. LOUIS — Local bass player Terry Gilchrist stood in quiet awe as his bass cab “Bertha” took down an astounding amount of drinks while playing a chaotic set with his band The Hops late last night, confirmed audience members concerned about the bass cab’s well-being.

“My last rig broke down when I spilled half a cup of water on it and I knew I needed to upgrade. I’d heard stories about ‘Bertha,’ a tried and true Ampeg SVT that John from Watery Grave had, and to my surprise, he was interested in selling” said Gilchrist while gently wiping down the drenched cab after his band’s set. “This thing is a certified beast. You could spray that thing with a fire hose and she would still crank louder than any other cab in this county. I mean I dropped that thing down two flights of stairs like ten minutes before we played and nothing was wrong.”

During The Hops’ energetic and sweaty performance, audience members report numerous times when stray drinks inadvertently shot right into the open face of Gilchrist’s equipment.

“I saw the guitarist kick his own drink over, he looked a little nervous as warm PBR began to soak into the bottom of the bass amp, but the show went on,” said Casey Hummel. “Not two minutes later, The Hops’ singer punted a full cup of beer sitting on stage, sending it splashing directly into the front of the cab. It happened over and over again and when the drummer draped his sweaty Exodus shirt over the cab I figured ‘Ok, lights out. That shirt is soaked through’ but no, the thing didn’t miss a note. I wish I had that sort of stamina.”

Bertha’s previous owner, John Sharpe, was pleased to see his old equipment was still going strong.

“I’ve worked hard to build up Bertha’s tolerance over the years. It started when I spilled a two-liter of Pepsi on her. Then I slowly worked my way up to gran alcohols. I’m confident Stone Cold Steve Austin could spray her with his beer truck and it wouldn’t phase her a bit,” said Sharpe with a smile. “She reminds me of my late grandmother who could drink anyone under the table and lived to 102! A lot of people think alcohol and electronics don’t mix, and they’re sort of right—That’s why I’ve fed Bertha straight whiskey for years.”

At press time, Bertha was found face down and unresponsive in the band’s trailer.

Capitalism Hack: I Do My Side Hustle During My Regular 9-To-5 Job

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Capitalism has been around for at least as long as I’ve been alive, so it’s safe to say it’s here to stay. Since we’re stuck with it until further notice, we might as well figure out some ways to game the system for our benefit. After all, I think that’s the point of capitalism in the first place.

If you’re like me and have a full-time job while juggling a bunch of little side gigs yet are also a sucker for a shortcut around it all, you’re going to love this one. All you have to do is perform your side hustle duties while you’re on the clock at your regular 9-to-5 job. Brilliant, right? It’s like working one job for the price of two.

How easy is it really to do my side hustle as an UberEats driver during my full-time job as an accountant? Honestly, extremely simple. Here’s the thing. Whenever I get bored of copying and pasting numbers from one cell in Excel to another, I just take a 30-minute break to go deliver some dude’s jalapeno poppers he ordered from Applebee’s. Boom! That’s double money right there. And if you can sneak in a popper or two for yourself without anyone finding out, that’s a triple hack.

This works with any career choice too. Not just office ones. Try it with your situation to maximize capitalism.

Say you have a day job as an elementary school teacher and your side hustle involves making and selling decorative throw pillows in the shape of Timothy Olyphant’s face on Etsy. Can we hack that situation and save some time? Sure can! Just start selling them directly to your students discreetly while teaching them about addition and subtraction or something. The trick is to do it without them realizing it. In the business, that’s called product placement.

Hell, you could even have your school kids make the pillows for you as a homework assignment. There are no rules against children working for free.

I highly recommend trying out this hack for yourself. You’ll end up with way more time on your hands to focus on things you want to do, like work more side hustles. You’ll feel like a true capitalist in no time.

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