The holidays are a time of family, reflection, and raw-doggin’ in the back of the sleigh. And what better mood music to get your nipple juices flowing than the musical genre that perfected the double-entendre!? If you think about it, sex really is the reason for the season, so here are 69 Christmas songs ranked by how horny they are.
69. Eartha Kitt “Santa Baby”
Nothing says, “All I want for Christmas is St. Nick’s lap meat,” like the thirstiest song you’ll hear in the grocery store. You were shopping for frozen shrimp, but now you’re horny for men with white beards, too. Eartha Kitt knew what she wanted, and that confidence is HOT.
68. Gene Autry “Frosty the Snowman”
There’s something about being ghosted by a dude who can’t afford to dress himself that really turns people on. Frosty may not stay long enough to know your name, but he knew how to look good on his way out the door. They say you’ll never forget finding your first magic silk hat that turns a lifeless pile of snow into a sex machine that will disappear the second after he nuts.
67. John Lennon “Happy Xmas (War Is Over)”
This dysfunctional Christmas song protesting the Vietnam War has the sexual tension of an ill-timed “u up?” text. Sure, you’re tired, but isn’t it nice to know that the couple you met candle shopping is thinking about you? Begrudgingly pop a boner pill and be ready to drive the sleigh because some guy is expecting you to rail his girlfriend in less than thirty minutes.
66. Dean Martin “Winter Wonderland”
Walkin’ in a winter wonderland used to be the code word my professor would use when her husband was out of town. Every time I hear this song, I think of her leathery musk, her thick, white back hair, and how erotic it was to help her grade papers at the dining room table instead of visiting my family for the holidays.
65. Gene Autry “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”
Rudolph was a submissive sideshow freak who flourished when his dom lifted those sweaty black boots just high enough to let a little red light out. So hot.
64. Bing Crosby “I’ll Be Home for Christmas”
I love coming home for Christmas because my step-sister is too hot, bro. Everybody loves to make fun of that Folgers commercial, but that is my literal wet dream. I’m so home for Christmas that I just live at home with my mom and step-dad the other 364 days of the year, too. It’s weird she doesn’t come over any day other than Christmas, but one day I’ll get her to say, “You’re my present,” and put a bow on me. And then we’ll totally bone.
63. Bobby Helms “Jingle Bell Rock”
When you spend most of your time off stage in sex clubs, the weather isn’t the only thing snowin’ and blowin’–if you know what I’m sayin’. Legend has it that Bobby Helms would giddy up jingle horse and pick up his feet with a bridle and saddle anywhere, any time if you asked for a ride in his one-horse sleigh.This man was very horny for horses.
62. Beach Boys “Little Saint Nick”
There’s something about a four-foot, greased up Santa Claus running wild through my no-rules, bisexual cuckfest of a relationship that really gives me the Christmas spirit. The Beach Boys flexed their kink pride in JFK’s America, and I am there for it every time my wife buys Vaseline and starts kissing mall Santas.
61. Elvis Presley “Blue Christmas”
This calamitous sex jam sounds like it was performed by a drunk raccoon, but there’s something about a guy whining over an acoustic guitar that makes you realize that sometimes even famous people don’t know how to hit and quit.
60. Bob Dylan “Must Be Santa”
This song sounds like an office Christmas in a Cajun karaoke bar. When Dylan says, “Ho, ho, ho,” like a lecherous derelict, you can hear young professionals shouting wild confessions at each other because they’re drunk in work clothes at 10 p.m. on a Thursday. Play this at your office party and HR will be approving multiple maternity leaves before the end of next year.
59. Jose Feliciano “Feliz Navidad”
Something about a bilingual person’s lowered chances of getting Alzheimer’s or dementia does it for me. You mean to tell me you know two languages and will be more likely to remain a stable and loving companion for the remainder of our time on this strange plane of existence? Kiss me while we’re still young!
58. Perry Como and The Fontane Sisters “It’s Beginning To Look a Lot Like Christmas”
Polyamorous megastar Perry Como’s biggest holiday hit happened when he recorded a song with his three girlfriends. The sexual tension Como and the Fontane Sisters caught on tape is still palpable all these years later. You can almost hear the loving admiration and respect each member of this sexual rectangle had for one another.
57. Nat King Cole “God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen”
This is the first holiday number to celebrate a homosexual orgy. Why else did those merry gentlemen need so much rest? Tidings of comfort and joy, indeed.
56. *NSYNC “Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays”
This little bop by the late ’90s thrust bunch *NSYNC was pure dick-wiggling fun. The beat was catchy, the singing pretty wholesome, and everyone listening to the song was compelled to dry hump the lifelong best friend they were secretly crushing on–even if they were in their local GAP clothing store!
55. Ariana Grande “Santa Tell Me”
This song follows the love affair between a racially-ambiguous-presenting woman and Santa Claus. All Ms. Grande wants is for Santa would leave Mrs. Claus, move to Los Angeles, and let her straddle him on the chair in the mall. Love was never really an option, but Santa has no problem leaving a few non-committal presents in her stockings every Christmas Eve.
54. Bing Crosby “Little Drummer Boy”
Bing Crosby was known for throwing the best sex parties. The lyrics are actually about Crosby trying to hire a rhythm section for his next get-together. He just happened to throw in the birth of Christ to make sure he really got the players he wanted. Everybody knows a good sex party is better with a steady beat!
53. Mannheim Steamroller “Carol of the Bells”
There’s just something about a neo-classical electronic version of a beloved Christmas song that really makes you want to undo the top button of your shirt and ask out your crush. Sure, they’ll say, “EW! YOU’RE WEARING TOO MUCH COLOGNE!” and “PLEASE LEAVE BEFORE I THROW UP!” but they’ll never take your confidence away.
52. Chuck Berry “Run Rudolph Run”
Want to know why Rudolph ran like that? He got a text from his girlfriend that said, “My parents aren’t home. Cum over when you can.” This is the classic story of a boy racing against the clock to see his lady before mom and dad get off work. We’ve all been there.
51. Celine Dion “O Holy Night”
Any time Celine Dion comes on, you know an older woman is about to plow. The sultry tones and lusty tempo of this loin-roasting diddy unleashes a ravenous sensuality that pushes women to the brink of sexual insanity. Play this song with caution unless you absolutely want a woman that remembers Ronald Reagan being the president to desperately paw at your belt.
What better way to celebrate the 22nd anniversary of Thursday’s iconic album “Full Collapse” than with a fully collapsible kitchen marvel? Yes, that’s right, this unique salad spinner not only pays homage to the band’s groundbreaking work but also brings a touch of musical history right into your kitchen. Just as “Full Collapse” broke barriers in the music world, this salad spinner breaks the mold in kitchen gadgetry with its space-saving design and sleek look.
Dangerous curves ahead! If there’s one thing we know about every Maylene fan, it’s this: You have jumped your fair share of dirt bikes, and you sure as hell haven’t nailed every landing. But have no fear, because we’re here to give you a little lift. This sturdy-as-heck bike stand is exactly what you need for dirt bike repairs and adjustments so you can get back to mudding. We think that’s what you call it.
When you heard “Colors” for the first time, it changed your life. By the time “Colors II” came out, you’d heard all the songs you were ever going to hear, but you still pretended it changed your life again. Well, it’s time to make sure your kids can feel the same way about these progressive technical death avant-garde metalcore giants. With their very own coloring set!
Oh no, it’s not a ghost pepper. It’s Ghost’s pepper. This product might look scary, but just like the band, it is absolutely not. Seriously, it’s about as spicy as milk. These mild flavors are sure to please any palate, or at least any palate that shares the same taste as someone who would listen to Ghost.
If only we could somehow make use of those parallelograms of light that dance along the walls of your empty guest room. Well, forget that empty feeling and fill that space with this one-of-a-kind sundial! With lyrics adorning the face, it serves not just as a functional piece for that spare room you probably have in your house but also as a conversation starter. It’s perfect for fans who value both the practical aspects of timekeeping and the artistic expression of a modern away message.
Uh oh, worried your kids will really fuck up the walls with that crayon set? Sure, they’re a little too young to start on Between the Buried and Me. Maybe you need something for a younger age? Well, kids will love Underoath and their “Writing on the Walls” erasable markers! Hand that boy one and watch as he brushes your living room in black and white. No worries, just wash it away when he’s done.
Have you ever found yourself hanging out in a seedy bar in New Orleans, deep into the night, only to be forced to drunkenly stumble home in the darkness? You realize you need some protection, but your more sensible friends have already called it a night. What you need is a more loyal companion. You know what we’re talking about. That’s right: a crow! Better yet, a Crowbar-branded Bar Crow, to keep you safe as you recklessly wander through sludge-filled alleyways, searching for home.
Is your heart in Ohio? Well, then let some local boys show you around with this ultimate travel guide. Discover every attraction and hot spot that Ohio has to offer. And don’t worry: it’s not just for lovers. They’ll even help you find your favorite singles bars, because obviously, you’re getting over some heartbreak.
His name may be Munky, but the man loves nothing more than birds. As you can imagine, it won’t be a tough sell to get the rest of the band on board. Not with an idea this good: Korn brand bird leashes and harnesses! For the cockatoo lover in your life, give them the gift that sets them free. Or at least give them the freedom to take their bird for a walk every once in a while. Finally, you’ll feel like you do have some release!
Okay, so maybe even those Underoath markers were still too much. Well, how else are you supposed to show the world you have a little punk-to-come on your hands? You already bought that kid a Black Flag onesie. I guess your only other option is to get them some sort of branded toy that will let everyone know that your child is merely an extension of you and your tastes. God forbid someone thinks this kid might grow up to be a Foo Fighters fan.
We’ve always wanted an amp that makes our guitar sound exactly like the monstrous hum of ‘Life Metal,’ but after some research, we realized there’d be significant challenges in releasing an amplifier with the Sunn O))) logo on it. There’s like a whole story there or something. So anyway, these are just decorative boxes. That might have speakers in them. It’s not entirely clear if they can officially state that or not.
Actually, the earth is starting to feel like a colder and deader place. But it sure doesn’t feel that way when you’re soaking up some sweet post-rock and watching a heartwarming episode of Friday Night Lights. Coach! Coach, help! It’s not snuggly enough in here! Fear not, as this band-inspired heated blanket will solve that as you waste the rest of your evening with Tim Riggins.
We have to be honest upfront. We haven’t really listened to Job for a Cowboy; we just heard about them, and they seemed like a nice country band. And like any good country boy, you must know: you just can’t trust mainstream horse treats these days. Equestrian enthusiasts understand that not all horses can stomach the gluten found in the average grocery store horse snack. Well, all your problems are solved with these good-for-you horse treats! Now, your only challenge is thinking of a cooler horse name than “Job for a Cowboy.”
We know. You’re going to lose it if you have to stare at that stupid “gather” decal adorning the walls of your kitchen one more time. And why does your partner always pick signs in that overused wedding invite font? There’s only one answer: an act of rebellion. Like proudly displaying the band name of your favorite Willimantic legends! This isn’t just a statement piece; it’s a nod to your edgy, musical defiance. It’s about time your kitchen reflected the real you. And it also kind of just works with everything else in the room.
Wow, your kid couldn’t handle the sorting cube? I guess you’re shit out of luck. Okay, one more idea. Just ink your kid. Temporarily at least. Give them a flat-brim hat and a throat tattoo to show your friends that you are deathcore through and through. Or at least you used to be. Now you’re just kind of listening to electronic rock in a deathcore outfit? Sheesh, maybe this was a mistake.
Opening their debut LP “Listening Game” with various sounds and dialogue from the classic horror series “Sesame Street” via its title track showcased a youthful exuberant energy right from the start, as Far introduced themselves to and joined the musical floodgates with twelve post-hardcore tracks that truly foreshadowed their eventual major sonic influence. Well, you have to start somewhere, and the band truly did with this one. In addition, 1992 was an incredible year for the world of rock with sterling monumental records from Faith No More (“Angel Dust”), Alice In Chains (“Dirt”), R.E.M. (“Automatic for the People”), and TLC (“Oooooooh… On the TLC Tip”). Coming out via Rusty Nail Records, “Listening Game” is a fun start, but thankfully the band “grew up” on its next four and progressed as songwriters and musicians.
Opening/title track “Quick” truly sounds like Quicksand covering Soundgarden’s “Bleach” in the best way, and the song itself gets its aggressive and catchy point across in a quick two-minutes-and-thirty-eight seconds that exhaust you whilst keeping you wanting more and more. While the production on this particular track leaves a little something to be desired, “Quick” as a song is quite endearing, and as a record front-to-back has less filler than its predecessor, but not by much. The original version of “Girl,” which eventually got re-recorded on their major label debut was the band’s best song at the time, and is captured quite well here. If you identify as such, you will be the man o’ the year if you stream this album straight through with an open mind and wallet, sister.
“At Night We Live,” Far’s lone non-’90s full-length LP, served as a one-off comeback after the band initially split in 1999. It is definitely the first of which to be mentioned here that is consistent front to back, and the aforementioned cover of “Pony” isn’t even the best song by a longshot, as its first song “Deafening” is one of the better post-hardcore opening tracks, and “If You Cared Enough” is an amazing subsequent song. The record also served as a memorial to Sacramento peers’ Deftones’ late bassist Chi Cheng, who sadly left this earth way too soon after an automobile accident, and Far’s love for him and his bandmates burn forever and ever bright as they fight through 16,233,241 tears. Sadly the band split up again once more the year that “At Night We Live” came out and it looks like the original lineup will never reform.
Far’s third full-length studio LP “Tin Cans with Strings to You” came out just a few years too early. We here firmly believe that if both of these records were released in the early-00s Far would have had an overabundance of sales and streams in the lexicon, and even more than five albums by now, but unfortunately that’s not how the cookies crumbled in the sea, circus, aisle, and cum dump known as the music industry. Still, the riffs, emotion, personality, and raw power of “Tin Cans with Strings to You” stood out in the mid-’90s, and will still impress heads today, especially since its competition is an AI song in C minor with lyrics that a third grader with remedial skills would scoff at. Sweat a river, live no lies.
This gold medal slot may be extremely predictable to you, but sometimes cliches like The Beatles being good and pizza tasting great are such for a reason. We didn’t have a choice about how we handled this here, and we’re actually surprisingly relieved about that. Far’s fourth LP, is a top-five post-hardcore record ever sans hyperbole, and one of the more underrated rock gems of the 1990s, a decade with the best blend of rock and roll outside of the 1960s. Shoutouts are in order for Jonah Matranga, Shaun Lopez, John Gutenburger, and Chris Robyn. No shoutouts are deserved for the rock community that chose more sub-par groups to embrace. Maybe there was another way out for the band, but sadly their small white world was closing down.
