Walker Glenn, Author at HARDTIMES

Every Macy’s Parade Balloon Ranked by Where We Think They’ll Place in an “Anything Goes” Fighting Tournament

Posted on November 22, 2023 by Dan Rice

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, which means it’s time for the annual Macy’s Day parade! 25 glorious balloons will be showcased from West 77th Street to Macy’s Herald Square, cheered on by hordes of adoring families. Then, they will enter into a no-holds-barred fighting tournament where killing your opponent is not only allowed, it’s encouraged.

The stakes are high. These balloons have trained rigorously all year, but only one of them can be crowned Number One Under The Sun and float triumphantly over its bloodies, deflated competitors. So how will the tournament shake out? Here are our predictions!

25. Pumpkins

First up, some pumpkins. Yup, just some pumpkins. They probably won’t place very far in a no-holds-barred tournament, because they are just some pumpkins. No fists, no teeth, just a gourd.

24. Diary Of A Wimpy Kid

Remember when that wimpy kid went sickhouse in that brutal fighting tournament to the death and totally dominated? No? Exactly. The blood of this balloon will drench the streets of Manhattan.

23. Blue Cat & Chugs

This cool cat doesn’t stand a chance. He was included after winning a contest allowing one of five NFT brands to participate in the parade and subsequent martial arts tournament. I guess NFT stands for No Fucking Training because this kitty is toast.

22. Leo

He’s a geriatric lizard who barely earned his place in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade, he has no business in this notoriously brutal fight to the death. Bet on him to be brutally stomped out within the first minute of fighting.

21. Pillsbury Doughboy

When your name is a go-to insult, your odds of winning a martial arts tournament are fairly low. And we already know he’s weak in the stomach.

20. Uncle Dan

What happens when you put all of the fighting prowess of Danny DeVito into a sandwich-loving duck? You get a stomped fucking duck, that’s what happens. We aren’t sure who allowed this balloon to fight, but it should never have been sanctioned.

19. Paw Patrol

If this narc isn’t the lowest-ranking dog in the tournament we’ll eat our own hats. All cops are bastards, including the Paw Patrol.

18. Macy’s Stars

Let’s face it, retail is dying, and the Macy’s Stars will be lucky to even place this highly. Maybe someone will get stabbed by one of their pointy parts, but that’s very unlikely.

17. Beagle Scout Snoopy

Snoopy may be able to help the Boy Scouts of America do some much-needed damage control, but he doesn’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell surviving this tournament. Should have sent his cousin Spike, that guy knows a thing or two about survival.

16. Snow Crystal Ornaments

These guys have been around since 1985, which is tenacious, but they get absolutely creamed every year. You think they would have learned their lesson by now, but here they are ready for more pain. You’re tenacious, snow crystal ornament balloons, we’ll give you that.

15. Tiptoe

Tiptoe was created by Macy’s in 2021 and is one of the dirtiest fighters in the tournament. According to her corporate-generated back story, Tiptoe’s dream is to one day reach her full potential and join Santa’s sleigh team. It is a dream that will be tragically cut short after Thursday’s tournament. R.I.P Tiptoe.

14. Ice Cream Cone

It’s got a rope-a-dope type technique where it lets an opponent eat a bunch of the ice cream until the opponent is too full to defend themselves. It’ll work for a while, but the cone only has so much ice cream.

13. Bluey

We’ve seen Bluey learn a lot of lessons over the years, but unfortunately for everyone’s favorite Australian Cattle dog, on Thursday morning she’s going to learn her hardest lesson yet: these balloons didn’t come to sing, they came to dish out pain.

12. Minion

So cute! So dead. No depth perception, no cardio, no formal combat training. Make sure your children are not watching, it will be a massacre.

11. Sinclair’s Dino

We’re calling it, this is the year the Sinclair Oil company shill mascot finally dies, and good riddance. Imagine helping a company sell the decayed bodies of everyone you ever knew or loved to make a product that slowly kills the planet. Well, stop imagining because that’s exactly what this piece of shit dinosaur is doing.

10. Red Titan From Ryan’s World

Frankly, it’s been a long time coming. If you have kids, you know that Ryan’s humbling is long overdue and will be fucking epic. He might have a good showing against lesser fighters, but as soon as the competition stiffens he will be destroyed.

9. Spongebob & Gary

Sort of the wild card but we’re leaning high. Spongebob is not easily deterred, and Gary’s got that whole strong silent psycho thing going, so who knows?

8. Smokey The Bear

If this were a list of which balloon was most likely to say “I’m getting too old for this shit,” Smokey would come in number one. This old bear will lump up some chumps for sure, but he’s lost a step over the years, both in preventing forest fires and fucking shit up in the cage.

7. Monkey D. Luffy

His rubber-like body and fierceness in combat will serve him well, up to a point, but anyone in the top 5 will chew him up and spit him out. It’s a good thing his show is TV-14, because no child should see what’s about to happen to this guy.

6. Pikachu & Eevee

Cute pluckiness and surprisingly strong electric attacks will get you far, all the way up to the big dogs… where you will be effectively trampled.

5. Ronald McDonald

Fuck The Joker, real heads know the OG agent of chaos clown prince of crime is Ronald McDonald. His strategy is convincing his opponents that McDonald’s is real food so they fill up on it before the fight and are easily defeated in their bloated, weakened condition. Even when you see through his bullshit, those fries smell so good!

4. Acorn

Okay, do NOT sleep on the Acorn. The Acorn is fierce, the Acorn WILL dominate. We’re placing the Acorn higher than any inanimate object on this list because it’s got the blueprint for a whole balloon tree inside of it, and it’s hard as fuck.

3. Kung Fu Panda

A former champion himself. He had a good run and can still make it to the finals, but no Panda can stay on top forever.

2. Grogu

Powerful little guy. His raw, innate use of the Force and ambiguous light/dark alignment will serve him well, but he just won’t go all the way. Maybe if he had Yoda’s mindfulness and control he would stand a chance but nope, we are all going to see Baby Yoda die tomorrow.

1. Goku

Honestly, it’s not even close. Maybe if we were just talking regular Goku or even Super Saiyan 1 Goku some of the competitors would stand a chance, but we’re talking Super Saiyan God Super Saiyan Goku! With a power level of 7.5 quintillion, he could probably wipe out the entire 2023 Macy’s Parade lineup with a single kamehameha wave. Honestly, it seems a little uneven to even have him here. No one with “Wimpy Kid” in their name should have to square off with someone who can kick Freeza’s ass, but oh well.

IDF Announces Humanitarian Ceasefire While Waiting for More Missiles from USA

Posted on November 22, 2023 by Tim Sheard

JERUSALEM — The Israeli government and Hamas agreed to a humanitarian ceasefire after the IDF realized needed time to receive more missiles from the United States after weeks of nonstop assault on Gaza, military officials have reported.

“Thanks to skillful mediators and global pressure we have agreed to a ceasefire to allow humanitarian aid, and the long overdue exchanging of hostages. The timing worked out perfectly because we’re down to our last three sidewinder missiles and Congress is taking their sweet ass time approving more ammo,” said an anonymous IDF official. “We normally don’t bomb civilians this indiscriminately so we didn’t do a great job taking inventory, but thankfully our pals at the Pentagon will have us ready to rock once the last hostage crosses the border.”

Pentagon officials reiterated their commitment to supporting Israel but hoped they would show restraint in using their arsenal.

“Listen I know shipping billions of dollars of weapons looks bad, but the United States is steadfast in supporting Israel’s right to defend itself and yeah it would be nice if this ceasefire was permanent, but conflict is good for business. What everyone should understand is that we budgeted a shitload of money for Raytheon to build rockets so we need to use it or lose it,” said military strategist Dan Faulkner. “Rest assured we’ve made the IDF pinky promise us they won’t use the rockets to blow up any more schools and hospitals unless they’re like, 65% sure Hamas is hiding out in them.”

War historians drew parallels between this and other ceasefires throughout history, primarily the fact that may amount to very little.

“There comes a time during any major conflict when combatants ask themselves exactly what the hell they’re doing and why. The famous Christmas truce of World War 1 brought a sliver of humanity and shined a light on the absurdity of war during one of civilizations’ ugliest periods. Unfortunately, this ceasefire is only because the IDF blew through their yearly military budget in six weeks,” said Princeton history professor Michael Klein.“ The world is hoping for a positive outcome, but as we’ve seen in the past most armies won’t stop blowing people up until their weapons are taken away or there’s nothing left to bomb.”

As of press time, Israel ended the ceasefire prematurely after claiming they had evidence that the Red Cross was aiding Hamas by tending to thousands of sick and injured Palestinians.

25 Best Metallica Songs to Listen to Before You Get Blackout Drunk and Ruin Your Family’s Thanksgiving Dinner Again

Posted on November 22, 2023 by Cody Arbor

There are only so many ways to get out of a Thanksgiving dinner with your family, and since the lockdown ended 2 years ago and isn’t coming back anytime soon, the biggest one is out. But what if there was a way to show up, be present, and just not remember any of it? And what if that brought with it an opportunity for one helluva soundtrack to make it happen? Consider this list the order you should take them in as well, you’re going on a rollercoaster of a journey! It’s just one you might not remember all of. (Listen to the playlist)

25. “The Ecstasy of Gold”

A cover of an Ennio Morricone song might seem like an odd place to start, but what you’re doing is laying the groundwork. They like to open live concerts with this, and there’s a reason for that: it’s long, instrumental, and sets the stage for bigger, better things to come.

24. “Damage Inc.”

You should probably get used to the idea of property damage being inevitable as early as possible into this process.

23. “St. Anger”

Listen, I know. I know what you’re typing. Yeah: it’s a dissonant, childish, no-guitar-solo-having tantrum of a song, BUT…you’re getting blackout drunk at Thanksgiving dinner, maturity left with the sweet potato pie. There is something undeniably raw about this track, and it’s a great place to properly start.

22. “Fuel”

Largely considered one of their best to come out of the post-Black Album pivot to alt-rock, “Fuel” is a song that demands attention, and for this quick-and-dirty build to getting drunk, it has a nice double-meaning. Fuel up, you still got a long road ahead of you.

21. “Whiskey in the Jar”

I mean…right? Is it a perfect cover? No. Does it exactly fit the tone of what you’re going for? Yes. Is it actually a pretty great anthem before you’ve crossed officially into ‘tore up’? Yeah, yeah it is.

20. “Enter Sandman”

The one hardcore fans inexplicably love despite it heralding the big sound change that they all hated. Relive those heady ECW days by pretending you’re Sandman by chugging a beer and smacking someone with a stick. Then throw a pumpkin pie at them to mourn how it all turned out when WWE tried to revive the brand.

19. “For Whom the Bell Tolls”

It tolls for thee and thy liver. This one’s going to be the first “big drop” down the rollercoaster as it’s long, thrumming, impactful, has one helluva solo, and makes a handy way to keep drinking every time they say “For whom the bell tolls!”

18. “I Disappear”

Starting the next round of build toward another plummet, we have this little snapshot of the early 2000s. This was weird. It’s also great if you need a break because the fam just started bringing up all that shit going on in the Middle East, and not a ONE of them actually knows the first thing about it, so make like this mellow, unexpected jam and vanish for a bit.

17. “No Leaf Clover”

Symphony and metal go so well together that they’re now a genre. When this classic first came out, it was reviled by purists who viewed it as just another layer of Metallica selling out, but now it can be the one song where you actually socialize as the next round of drinking kicks in and you get to reveal it as a fun, secret hit that goes surprisingly hard.

16. “Nothing Else Matters”

No two ways about it: every playlist needs a song or two to slow things down and make people appreciate what they have and who they’re with. Make sure you drink some water that doesn’t have alcohol in it with this one, it’s the right thing to do.

15. “The Four Horsemen”

Metallica’s first album was never my favorite as it always sounded a little raw for my taste and prioritized a faster, more punk rock feel than the heavier, more bombastic metal sound they’d later pursue. That having been said: a classic’s a classic for a reason, and this is the perfect build to the crescendo coming up.

14. “Jump in the Fire”

Gonna need to make sure the latch on your fireplace is secure before this one comes on. Cause you’re just thrashed enough to do something TRULY stupid because the man in your headphones told you to, so be safe…while you’re drinking way too much to forget the debate you just overheard between two uncles about feminism.

13. “Ride the Lightning”

Did you know that “lightning” is another word for moonshine? You do now, and now this song REALLY fits with what you’re getting into! A quick, dirty dip before the last climb to the final 10, and probably the only way to hear about the death penalty around Thanksgiving without being drawn into some bullshit.

12. “Fade to Black”

A more dour, depressing track that many likely assume is a later release, but Metallica’s always had that stone heart that cracks for ballads. Relax, descend, have some more water, shit’s about to get real, but few things are more real than confronting one’s own mortality as frankly as this does. And by now, your short-term memory will probably be doing just that.

11. “Orion”

Just a great, weird, semi-cosmic instrumental track that I think plays perfectly after the depth of darkness the last one brings. The lights that prickle in the darkness, the last few neurons that still function properly as your father brings up how the turkey’s a little dry, and HERE WE GO! Time for the final 10.

10. “Until It Sleeps”

It’s weird, the video’s weird, and it’s way more introspective than songs that would later try to be deep. Playlists need wildcards, ‘Load’ and ‘ReLoad’ get a lot of crap, but there are some bangers on both.

9. “Bleeding Me”

A song that is indulgently long but changes up enough and has a dark kind of allure as it gets harder, faster, and more driving. Be the beast that feeds the beast and start a fight with whoever’s still awake. They probably won’t remember either, it’s fine.

8. “Thing That Should Not Be”

Late bassist Cliff Burton was apparently behind a lot of Metallica’s early “supernatural” songs, and this was the top of those. Glimpses of “A Shadow Over Innsmouth” will be all you’re getting as you drink like a fish to stave off the madness of the ripping guitar solo and the ocean of imagery conjured by the lyrics.

7. “Some Kind of Monster”

This fucking song. How can you not be nostalgic for the line drawn in the sand between members of the band AND their fans? Scoring a documentary that was a more startling snapshot of very damaged, famous men and also emblematic of what was going on at the time, it’s a good reminder: you did this to yourself, and that’s okay. Things can and will get better.

6. “The Unforgiven”

Say goodbye to your last lingering concrete thoughts, and say goodbye to Aunt Agnes’ godawful ambrosia salad, go ahead and tell her I said so, with thrumming, hardened sound and grim, sorrowful lyrics remind you of what you’ve done to yourself.

5. “One”

Nothing like a song about the horrors of war to send you soaring. Do NOT take a shot for every gunshot, you won’t make it through the night and you are already at the point where you might want to get your stomach pumped.

4. “Welcome Home (Sanitarium)”

Played later in the night, this will perfectly encapsulate how you feel at the moment. It’s eerie, isn’t it? How well it works played after 10 p.m. on Thanksgiving, people passed out on the sofa or in bed. Or even at the table, I don’t know how hard the rest of your family goes.

3. “Whiplash”

By this point, Thanksgiving is properly ruined and you’re likely the lightning rod for that, so you may as well do as the song says and act like a maniac. You won’t be acting by this point, let’s be frank.

2. “Master of Puppets”

Not only the apotheosis of the band’s early, aggressive sound, but when you wake up the next morning and your uncle tells you the only actual truth he’s ever said to you: “Only real hangover cure is a little hair of the dog,” the lyrics about cycles of addiction will take on a whole new meaning!

1. “Battery”

You didn’t think I was going to end on that dour note, didja? Nah, one more track, one more beer, one more goodnight argument you won’t remember anyway, this is simply a perfect song to end the night on.

Well, you managed to ruin Thanksgiving! But by being someone that everyone can talk about for the next month, instead of just rehashing old family beefs and politics, you also kinda SAVED Thanksgiving! Congratulations, that’ll hold them over til…Christmas?!

Former Punk Still Squirmy Around Cops Despite Decades of Fully Obeying The Law

Posted on November 22, 2023 by Zachary Wolf

BELLINGHAM, Wash – Former punk Langley West admits he still gets twitchy when cops are around despite having not broken the law in nearly 30 years, according to sources who are total fuckin’ narcs.

“Old habits die hard I suppose,” relayed West while brushing up on local by-laws. “I used to sell laptops out of my trunk that I stole from Best Buy and anytime a cop rolled by I assumed it was over for me. Well, that never went away for me. I’ve obeyed every letter of the law for decades now, hell my oldest daughter is a judge, but I still tremble uncontrollably any time an authority figure is around, and not just police either. Security guards, crossing guards, shift supervisors, all of them shake me to my very core. Sometimes I go out of my way just to prove to them that I’m a normal, law-abiding citizen acting in line with society’s rules and conventions.”

Langley’s daughter Veronica West knows all about it.

“He’s so fucking embarrassing,” said Veronica while seeing how many judge’s robes she could put on at the same time. “Everyone has to like him or he’ll lose his shit. When he walks into a store with a soda he makes sure that he has the receipt in hand, just in case they think he stole it; even if they don’t sell soda. And last week he wouldn’t even drive the speed limit on Main Street because he had seen a cop there the day before. It’s no wonder he didn’t cut it in the punk scene because, frankly, he’s too soft for it.”

Local police officer Bran Chorney says West has every right to be worried.

“Accusing middle-aged men of teenage chicanery is one of my favorite pastimes,” said Chorney while weighing if stopping a crime in progress was worth the paperwork or not. “Just to mess with them, you know? Like that businessman I accused of having spray paint in his briefcase, or the grandpa I strip-searched looking for stolen Pokemon cards. I knew he was clean, but you should have seen the look on his face as he thought he was going to jail for the rest of his life. Me and his family shared a hearty laugh over that one!”

At press time, Langley West was seen jotting down alibis for every day of his life, just in case.

Poll: Is It Ok If I Lay On Your Floor And Let Your Cats Sniff Me?

Posted on November 22, 2023 by Lana Kim

It’s that time of the year. The time when all of us, one way or another, end up at a holiday party we don’t want to be at. Time is of the essence mostly due to the fact that I’m two beers deep, I just demolished a joint, and I downed my scheduled antidepressants.

So here is my question to you: Can I lay on your floor and let your cats sniff me?

Your beautiful and clean hardwood floor beckons, its cool surface is enticing. Especially after being stuffed in a room cramped with hot, sweaty bodies. More importantly, one of your cats has come downstairs and I absolutely, positively must say hi. I have to lay on your floor and let your cat vibe check me in the way she knows best, which is with her damp little nose less than a centimeter away from my bare eyeball. Potentially even in my ear. The thought of hearing those tiny little sniffs is the only thing keeping me conscious right now.

The other guests here may be upstanding adults with careers but I’m willing to put everything aside for these cats. The only social approval I need this evening is from your cats and if I succeed I will ride the high for the duration of the holiday season. Not even my racist uncle can upset me at the dinner table. Not if both your cats give me a little sniff while I have my entire face plastered to your hardwood floor.

But first, let me give a brief assessment of pros and cons.

PROS:

I get to meet your cat
Your cat reaches its daily enrichment requirements
One less partygoer you must attend to

CONS:

Someone may trip on me
Your cats might bite me
I might get asked to leave

This is an incredibly time-sensitive poll, as the evening is reaching its one-and-a-half-hour midway point, where the maximum number of guests have arrived and my ability to process sounds has deteriorated. This will impact my mental health and social standing for the rest of the year so the question must be asked,

Is it okay if I lay on the floor and let your cats sniff me?

Hardcore Couple Reach Disneyland Stage of Relationship

Posted on November 22, 2023 by Dan Vanderpool

ANAHEIM, Calif. – A pair of local hardcore lovebirds announced they reached the Disneyland stage of their relationship after several months of courtship, confirmed sources who already muted the couple on social media.

“I just wanted to make it official”, said Brian Dunnigan while buying a season pass. “We met at This is Hardcore last summer and spent several months talking on Whatsapp. She is so sick, loves all the bands I do and it just makes sense for us to start devoting all of our weekends to the same theme park. Things are going so well right now, I couldn’t think of a better person to eat overpriced churros and wait in line for exclusive Star Wars merch with.”

Dunnigan wasn’t the only one who was hoping this could be the real deal

“I don’t just go to Disneyland with every guy that has a full leg-sleeve of ‘Toy Story’ characters. We played this slow,” said Monica Lee. “Yeah, he had the sickest windmills and we’d stay up late talking about the merits of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, so when he asked me to meet at Disneyland, it was an easy yes. We were facing the other way in our xMinniex and xMickeyx hats when I turned around and he was on his knee to ask me to hard style in front of Cinderella’s castle. I’m just so stoked right now!”

Hardcore culture historian, Phil Best says this is a phenomenon that has some history within the culture.

“There is some debate about how long this ritual has gone on,” said Best. “My research shows it goes back to at least Posi Numbers 2001, although some say it goes back to even the original California Takeover shows. Two hardcore kids, one from Arizona and one from California, met after Carry On’s set and hit it off. After several thousand dollars worth of long-distance phone calls and AIM messages, they felt they should take it to the next level and Disneyland was a place halfway between them they could meet. After that original hard style polaroid, relationships within the scene changed forever.”

At press time, the couple was ejected from the amusement park for moshing to “It’s a Small World Afterall” which resulted in bystanders being spin-kicked in the face.

30 Things Besides Politics You Can Talk About at Thanksgiving Ranked by How Much Fighting Will Still End Up Happening

Posted on November 21, 2023 by Dan Rice

Talking politics at whats supposed to be a pleasant family function has always been considered rude, but with our country becoming more polarized each passing year, many families like to openly declare a “no politics on the holidays” rule. The idea is to suppress any fighting within the family and to focus on what you all have in common, not what separates you. It does not work.

Your family is awful. We’ve ranked the top 30 things you can have a conversation with them about on Thanksgiving that have nothing to do with politics, and ranked them by how much bickering and/or physical violence they will cause anyway.

30. Starbucks

Since it’s one of the few places open on Thanksgiving, you might wind up grabbing some Starbucks on your way. Finish that shit in the car and ditch the cup in the neighbor’s trash. You don’t want to start things off by being lectured by a boomer about a cup, it’s just downhill from there.

29. Sports

Honestly, Thanksgiving or not, if we need to tell you to not bring up sports with your family unless you’re trying to throw down, congratulations, you live in a Hallmark movie. Even if your family all supports the same team (which never happens, there’s always one Cowboys fan,) there are draft decisions, management, coaches, and a plethora of other things for you all to get at each other’s throats about.

28. How You’ve Been

After “Hello” and a few quick passive-aggressive thinly veiled criticisms about your looks and/or how often you call, you’ll likely be asked how you’ve been—the first trap. Remember to V.E.N.T—Volunteer Entirely Nothing Tactfully.

27. Covid

Remember, no politics. In some circles even admitting you’ve had it, and that it therefore exists, makes you a globalist shill.

26. Aliens

You might think this is a safe, fun, topical conversation prompt, but the speed at which your uncle can connect the dots between Unidentified Flying Objects and deep-state Democrats eating babies is blinding.

25. The Food

Keep it to “Everything is delicious” and change the subject immediately. You’re there to maintain the pretense that you all love each other, but some asshole always wants to use Thanksgiving as a chance to channel their inner Gordon Ramsey. “The Turkey is too dry, I prefer the the stuffing last year with the sausage in it, Aunt Judy did nothing with her library science degree.” Not sure how it gets there, but it does.

24. Any News Item

It could be the most apolitical thing in the world but if it’s been on the news someone in your family has a deeply upsetting polarizing take locked in the chamber.

23. Work

If you’re asked how work is going any answer besides “Great!” is a one-way ticket to unsolicited advice town. Remember you’re not here to do a bunch of truth-telling and connecting, you’re here to keep appearances and keep your familial guilt down to manageable levels. One gripe to anyone of a certain generation and you’ll be getting an earful about pounding pavement, dressing better, and calling to follow up.

22. Diet

Another unsolicited advice minefield. Did you know that veganism is part of the globalist gay agenda? Or that keto supercharges the brain? Or that intermittent fasting can change your life, and it has nothing to do with the manic episode your aunt is having? Whatever your personal diet is, keep it to yourself as much as you can.

21. Money

Hell no. Are you insane?

20. Beer

Whether it’s your craft beer snob cousin or your uncle who’s still not over Bud Lite going “woke,” beer is a surefire ticket to a conversation you want nothing to do with.

19. Home Ownership

It’s impossible to explain to anyone over the age of 50 why an entire generation isn’t buying houses because of economic change and not “laziness” without one or both parties at least seriously considering drawing a knife.

18. Cars/Driving

Fucking boring to begin with, but modern technology and culture have made car talk a hotbed for arguing. We have seen grown adults resort to calling each other slurs over which app they used to get to a place they both arrived at within the same 10-minute window. There’s probably someone at your dinner table who thinks the Cybertruck is pretty cool, and by extension, Elon Musk, and that’s a whole thing. It can inspire debate about the American auto industry, which will lead to everyone sounding off about what they think is “Really wrong with this country” and, you know, game over.

17. How Loud It Is

Ever told a significant other to calm down when they need to take a breath and calm down? Didn’t really work out for you, did it? So why would it work for an entire family? If you notice tensions getting high just go to the bathroom and ride it out with some Wordle or something.

16. How Quiet And Awkward It Is

Thanksgiving isn’t all about bickering. It’s also full of moments where no one quite knows what to say or what to do. These can be awkward and uncomfortable, but trust us, it’s better than the alternative, so don’t address it.

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Alex Jones’ Dog Claims to Be In Possession of Documents Linking Mysterious Dog Illness to Lab in China

Posted on November 21, 2023 by Jack Humphrey

AUSTIN, Texas — Adrenochrome “Addy” Jones, the five-year-old German Sherperd owned by far-right conspiracy theorist Alex Jones, claims to have proof that the still unnamed respiratory infection affecting dogs across several states is linked to a lab in China.

“I have it on good authority that the disease was bioengineered to target Christian blue-collared dog patriots that love this country. These satan worshiping cats over in Red China are attempting to wipe us out,” barked Addy during a taping of a recent podcast. “And don’t get me started on the veterinarians. They have no idea what they are doing. Dogs are going to these vets, they are being poked, prodded, and nobody is calling them a good boy or a good girl, and they leave without a single treat. It makes me want to puke up all the grass I just ate.”

A local bloodhound named Riggins is one of Addy’s loyal listeners and admitted he wasn’t surprised about the accusations.

“Addy was the dog that discovered some of the chew toys being manufactured in China were turning dogs gay. Every time I went to the dog park I knew who had been chewing on one of those toys because they would try to mount me instantly,” said Riggins. “I listened to today’s episode when I was walking my human and he showed me that these cats behind the disease are really demons working for the devil on behalf of the global elite. If you’re wondering why they’re targeting dogs, go ahead and take a look at the word dog and tell me what that spells backward. There is your answer.”

This claim of the disease originating as a bioweapon has not gone without criticism from the veterinary community.

“As of right now we are not sure where the disease originated. But saying it came from a lab in China is completely ludicrous and there is no basis for that scientific conclusion and will only create a bigger bias against breeds like the Chinese Crested,” said leading veterinary pathologist Dr. Dina Vaccum. “Addy has a long history of spreading wild unsubstantiated rumors. Like his famous ‘Puppygate’ conspiracy theory where he claimed members of the Democratic party were eating live puppies below a Petco outside of Washington D.C.”

To prevent infection, experts suggest that dog owners both limit interactions with large groups of dogs and maintain their deep distrust of cats.

Choose Your Own Adventure Book For 35-Year-Olds Only Ending Is “Take an Anxiety Nap”

Posted on November 21, 2023 by James Knapp

NEW YORK — A new choose-your-own-adventure horror book intended specifically for individuals in their mid-thirties entitled “Halfway To the Grave” always results in the reader’s character taking an ineffective nap at 3 p.m., frustrated and overwhelmed sources confirmed.

“Choose your own adventure books are back in vogue! But the people who are nostalgic for them from childhood all now have shitty retail jobs and are addicted to edibles so I wrote the various storylines to reflect their real-life experiences,” explained “Halfway To the Grave” author Sheldon Apponda. “That’s why in my latest book, no matter what choices the reader makes, the main character always ends up standing over their kitchen sink eating half of an expired ice cream cake before lying on the couch moaning for ninety minutes. That’s just truth in art, really.”

Bookworm Tabatha Annarundel detailed her experience reading the book.

“This book was somehow both a completely fantastical adventure and a deep and harrowing slog through reality. On page 42 I made the choice to use the mythical bone sword to slay the death fairy and when I jumped to page 73 it said I was feeling ‘wiped out’ because my step-mom left me a voicemail about how I don’t call her enough,” said Annarundel. “It was a bit frustrating that ultimately none of my choices made even the slightest bit of difference in the outcome of the story. But… eh… whatever, you all get the point. I’m tired.”

Sam Froud, a representative for the publishing company Wine Drunk Press discussed the recent trends in literature for people who are, like, just fucking over it already.

“Literature for this specific age group has been struggling to find a new format ever since David Foster Wallace realized that cocaine can only carry mediocrity so far,” explained Froud. “But with choose your own adventure books starting to reflect the real-life bullshit that 35-year-olds deal with, we think we can really crack the market for people who had to call their therapist because a rerun of ‘30 Rock’ reminded them of a terrible former roommate.”

At press time, a sequel to “Halfway to the Grave” was announced, tentatively titled “After the Grave: That Student Loan Company Is Still Sending Bills.”

Opinion: Aren’t You a Little Too Old To Be Having Fun on a Tuesday Night?

Posted on November 21, 2023 by Neel Bhakta

Hey, you. Yeah, the guy with black square-frame glasses and skinny jeans. Sorry, I was just minding my own business, enjoying the show, when I saw you cracking a smile out of the corner of my eye. You seem like you’re having fun, but aren’t you a little too old for that?

I mean, it’s a Tuesday, don’t you have adult things to do? Go home and do your laundry or put one of those tasty-looking blue hockey puck things in your toilet tank. Eat that expired Totino’s pizza you’ve been saving as a treat for when you’ve had a rough day. Just please whatever you do, stop being happy in public, it’s unsettling.

You’ve been standing for a good 30 minutes now, are you sure you don’t want a chair. I know you’ve got cushy office job joints, they’re not used to standing for longer than an elevator ride. Hey buddy, are you still with me? I can’t tell if you’re nodding along to the beat or if it’s past your bedtime and you’re drifting in and out of consciousness.

Oh yeah sure man, go ahead and pull out your phone and pretend you’re busy. Yeah, those look like some really exciting emails you’re reading. Are you seriously reading the latest WaPo opinion piece in between sets? Jesus Christ, you remind me of my dad. Speaking of my dad, he has gout and by the way you’re standing, I think you might too.

Woah take it easy, are you sure you want to drink a second light beer? I’m just looking out for you, you still gotta drive yourself home after this.

Seriously though, I don’t know how you can still smile and have a good time when you should be thinking about adult problems like your check engine light. Or your mortgage payments. Or your hospital bills. Well, you get what I’m talking about.

Man, that’s exactly why it’s so great being young. I’m having the time of my life tonight! Sure, I have a full day of classes tomorrow and the closing shift at Papa John’s and no health insurance and an insurmountable amount of student loan debt, but at least I’m not an old hag.