Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, which means it’s time for the annual Macy’s Day parade! 25 glorious balloons will be showcased from West 77th Street to Macy’s Herald Square, cheered on by hordes of adoring families. Then, they will enter into a no-holds-barred fighting tournament where killing your opponent is not only allowed, it’s encouraged.
The stakes are high. These balloons have trained rigorously all year, but only one of them can be crowned Number One Under The Sun and float triumphantly over its bloodies, deflated competitors. So how will the tournament shake out? Here are our predictions!
25. Pumpkins
First up, some pumpkins. Yup, just some pumpkins. They probably won’t place very far in a no-holds-barred tournament, because they are just some pumpkins. No fists, no teeth, just a gourd.
24. Diary Of A Wimpy Kid
Remember when that wimpy kid went sickhouse in that brutal fighting tournament to the death and totally dominated? No? Exactly. The blood of this balloon will drench the streets of Manhattan.
23. Blue Cat & Chugs
This cool cat doesn’t stand a chance. He was included after winning a contest allowing one of five NFT brands to participate in the parade and subsequent martial arts tournament. I guess NFT stands for No Fucking Training because this kitty is toast.
22. Leo
He’s a geriatric lizard who barely earned his place in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade, he has no business in this notoriously brutal fight to the death. Bet on him to be brutally stomped out within the first minute of fighting.
21. Pillsbury Doughboy
When your name is a go-to insult, your odds of winning a martial arts tournament are fairly low. And we already know he’s weak in the stomach.
20. Uncle Dan
What happens when you put all of the fighting prowess of Danny DeVito into a sandwich-loving duck? You get a stomped fucking duck, that’s what happens. We aren’t sure who allowed this balloon to fight, but it should never have been sanctioned.
19. Paw Patrol
If this narc isn’t the lowest-ranking dog in the tournament we’ll eat our own hats. All cops are bastards, including the Paw Patrol.
18. Macy’s Stars
Let’s face it, retail is dying, and the Macy’s Stars will be lucky to even place this highly. Maybe someone will get stabbed by one of their pointy parts, but that’s very unlikely.
17. Beagle Scout Snoopy
Snoopy may be able to help the Boy Scouts of America do some much-needed damage control, but he doesn’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell surviving this tournament. Should have sent his cousin Spike, that guy knows a thing or two about survival.
16. Snow Crystal Ornaments
These guys have been around since 1985, which is tenacious, but they get absolutely creamed every year. You think they would have learned their lesson by now, but here they are ready for more pain. You’re tenacious, snow crystal ornament balloons, we’ll give you that.
15. Tiptoe
Tiptoe was created by Macy’s in 2021 and is one of the dirtiest fighters in the tournament. According to her corporate-generated back story, Tiptoe’s dream is to one day reach her full potential and join Santa’s sleigh team. It is a dream that will be tragically cut short after Thursday’s tournament. R.I.P Tiptoe.
14. Ice Cream Cone
It’s got a rope-a-dope type technique where it lets an opponent eat a bunch of the ice cream until the opponent is too full to defend themselves. It’ll work for a while, but the cone only has so much ice cream.
13. Bluey
We’ve seen Bluey learn a lot of lessons over the years, but unfortunately for everyone’s favorite Australian Cattle dog, on Thursday morning she’s going to learn her hardest lesson yet: these balloons didn’t come to sing, they came to dish out pain.
12. Minion
So cute! So dead. No depth perception, no cardio, no formal combat training. Make sure your children are not watching, it will be a massacre.
11. Sinclair’s Dino
We’re calling it, this is the year the Sinclair Oil company shill mascot finally dies, and good riddance. Imagine helping a company sell the decayed bodies of everyone you ever knew or loved to make a product that slowly kills the planet. Well, stop imagining because that’s exactly what this piece of shit dinosaur is doing.
10. Red Titan From Ryan’s World
Frankly, it’s been a long time coming. If you have kids, you know that Ryan’s humbling is long overdue and will be fucking epic. He might have a good showing against lesser fighters, but as soon as the competition stiffens he will be destroyed.
9. Spongebob & Gary
Sort of the wild card but we’re leaning high. Spongebob is not easily deterred, and Gary’s got that whole strong silent psycho thing going, so who knows?
8. Smokey The Bear
If this were a list of which balloon was most likely to say “I’m getting too old for this shit,” Smokey would come in number one. This old bear will lump up some chumps for sure, but he’s lost a step over the years, both in preventing forest fires and fucking shit up in the cage.
7. Monkey D. Luffy
His rubber-like body and fierceness in combat will serve him well, up to a point, but anyone in the top 5 will chew him up and spit him out. It’s a good thing his show is TV-14, because no child should see what’s about to happen to this guy.
6. Pikachu & Eevee
Cute pluckiness and surprisingly strong electric attacks will get you far, all the way up to the big dogs… where you will be effectively trampled.
5. Ronald McDonald
Fuck The Joker, real heads know the OG agent of chaos clown prince of crime is Ronald McDonald. His strategy is convincing his opponents that McDonald’s is real food so they fill up on it before the fight and are easily defeated in their bloated, weakened condition. Even when you see through his bullshit, those fries smell so good!
4. Acorn
Okay, do NOT sleep on the Acorn. The Acorn is fierce, the Acorn WILL dominate. We’re placing the Acorn higher than any inanimate object on this list because it’s got the blueprint for a whole balloon tree inside of it, and it’s hard as fuck.
3. Kung Fu Panda
A former champion himself. He had a good run and can still make it to the finals, but no Panda can stay on top forever.
2. Grogu
Powerful little guy. His raw, innate use of the Force and ambiguous light/dark alignment will serve him well, but he just won’t go all the way. Maybe if he had Yoda’s mindfulness and control he would stand a chance but nope, we are all going to see Baby Yoda die tomorrow.
1. Goku
Honestly, it’s not even close. Maybe if we were just talking regular Goku or even Super Saiyan 1 Goku some of the competitors would stand a chance, but we’re talking Super Saiyan God Super Saiyan Goku! With a power level of 7.5 quintillion, he could probably wipe out the entire 2023 Macy’s Parade lineup with a single kamehameha wave. Honestly, it seems a little uneven to even have him here. No one with “Wimpy Kid” in their name should have to square off with someone who can kick Freeza’s ass, but oh well.