Talking politics at whats supposed to be a pleasant family function has always been considered rude, but with our country becoming more polarized each passing year, many families like to openly declare a “no politics on the holidays” rule. The idea is to suppress any fighting within the family and to focus on what you all have in common, not what separates you. It does not work.
Your family is awful. We’ve ranked the top 30 things you can have a conversation with them about on Thanksgiving that have nothing to do with politics, and ranked them by how much bickering and/or physical violence they will cause anyway.
30. Starbucks
Since it’s one of the few places open on Thanksgiving, you might wind up grabbing some Starbucks on your way. Finish that shit in the car and ditch the cup in the neighbor’s trash. You don’t want to start things off by being lectured by a boomer about a cup, it’s just downhill from there.
29. Sports
Honestly, Thanksgiving or not, if we need to tell you to not bring up sports with your family unless you’re trying to throw down, congratulations, you live in a Hallmark movie. Even if your family all supports the same team (which never happens, there’s always one Cowboys fan,) there are draft decisions, management, coaches, and a plethora of other things for you all to get at each other’s throats about.
28. How You’ve Been
After “Hello” and a few quick passive-aggressive thinly veiled criticisms about your looks and/or how often you call, you’ll likely be asked how you’ve been—the first trap. Remember to V.E.N.T—Volunteer Entirely Nothing Tactfully.
27. Covid
Remember, no politics. In some circles even admitting you’ve had it, and that it therefore exists, makes you a globalist shill.
26. Aliens
You might think this is a safe, fun, topical conversation prompt, but the speed at which your uncle can connect the dots between Unidentified Flying Objects and deep-state Democrats eating babies is blinding.
25. The Food
Keep it to “Everything is delicious” and change the subject immediately. You’re there to maintain the pretense that you all love each other, but some asshole always wants to use Thanksgiving as a chance to channel their inner Gordon Ramsey. “The Turkey is too dry, I prefer the the stuffing last year with the sausage in it, Aunt Judy did nothing with her library science degree.” Not sure how it gets there, but it does.
24. Any News Item
It could be the most apolitical thing in the world but if it’s been on the news someone in your family has a deeply upsetting polarizing take locked in the chamber.
23. Work
If you’re asked how work is going any answer besides “Great!” is a one-way ticket to unsolicited advice town. Remember you’re not here to do a bunch of truth-telling and connecting, you’re here to keep appearances and keep your familial guilt down to manageable levels. One gripe to anyone of a certain generation and you’ll be getting an earful about pounding pavement, dressing better, and calling to follow up.
22. Diet
Another unsolicited advice minefield. Did you know that veganism is part of the globalist gay agenda? Or that keto supercharges the brain? Or that intermittent fasting can change your life, and it has nothing to do with the manic episode your aunt is having? Whatever your personal diet is, keep it to yourself as much as you can.
21. Money
Hell no. Are you insane?
20. Beer
Whether it’s your craft beer snob cousin or your uncle who’s still not over Bud Lite going “woke,” beer is a surefire ticket to a conversation you want nothing to do with.
19. Home Ownership
It’s impossible to explain to anyone over the age of 50 why an entire generation isn’t buying houses because of economic change and not “laziness” without one or both parties at least seriously considering drawing a knife.
18. Cars/Driving
Fucking boring to begin with, but modern technology and culture have made car talk a hotbed for arguing. We have seen grown adults resort to calling each other slurs over which app they used to get to a place they both arrived at within the same 10-minute window. There’s probably someone at your dinner table who thinks the Cybertruck is pretty cool, and by extension, Elon Musk, and that’s a whole thing. It can inspire debate about the American auto industry, which will lead to everyone sounding off about what they think is “Really wrong with this country” and, you know, game over.
17. How Loud It Is
Ever told a significant other to calm down when they need to take a breath and calm down? Didn’t really work out for you, did it? So why would it work for an entire family? If you notice tensions getting high just go to the bathroom and ride it out with some Wordle or something.
16. How Quiet And Awkward It Is
Thanksgiving isn’t all about bickering. It’s also full of moments where no one quite knows what to say or what to do. These can be awkward and uncomfortable, but trust us, it’s better than the alternative, so don’t address it.
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