15. Religion
5 minutes in you’ll find yourself wishing you were talking about politics, and then 5 minutes after that you will be.
14. Books
“Read any good books lately?” is a great conversation starter… in the 1950s. These days even mentioning that you’ve read a book recently puts the family member you’re talking to on the defense immediately. They’ll get all “You think you’re better than me?” and you do, and probably are, but unpacking that won’t make for a peaceful holiday.
13. The MCU
For years the Marvel Cinematic Universe at the very least gave people with virtually nothing in common something mediocre to talk about. Nowadays, not so much. No one should have to suffer a drunk uncle’s take on “She-Hulk” and “The Marvels.”
12. Star Wars
The Days of Star Wars being a safe, fairly universal cultural touchstone are long gone. Bring it up and if you’re lucky the arguments will be kept just to the quality of the franchise. More likely someone will go on a tangent about woke culture, simultaneously blaming the use of a female protagonist for ruining the last trilogy and endorsing Gina Carano for president.
11. Any Movie Or Television Show
Honestly, people are so plugged into and opinionated about media these days it’s probably best if you just keep your mouth shut altogether and stare at a stain on the carpet until it’s all over.
10. What You’re Thankful For
A classic Thanksgiving trap. It just provides your most annoying family members a chance to editorialize in a passive-aggressive way. Oh, you’re not trying to politicize, Uncle John? You’re just earnestly thankful for the Supreme Court huh? Touching.
9. Anyone’s Health
All it takes is one errant “Grandma is looking healthy” and all of a sudden everyone sharing medical horror stories, throwing out wild judgments about each other’s lifestyles, and starting family death pools, it’s ugly.
8. Social Media
“Why don’t you follow my Facebook?” “I heard TikTok leads to devil worship.” “Did you see that Leonardo Dicaprio meme I posted proving global warming is a hoax?
7. Virtually Anything About your Lifestyle
Let’s face it, there is basically no single aspect about your self-identity or the way you conduct yourself in the world every day that some member of your family won’t have a bone to pick with, triggering an argument that will probably end in you being called “an agent of the woke agenda.” It’s probably best if you just sip some plain water and occasionally offer up “This is good water.” Volunteer nothing in terms of actual information about yourself.
6. The Weather
The most cookie-cutter small talk prompt of all time, what could go wrong? Well, unfortunately, it opens the door to talking about global warming and hearing what the dumbest members of your family think that is.
5. A Cute Conversation Prompt From A Lystical You Read
The internet is full of advice about how to navigate Thanksgiving conversations without conflict. with a plethora of “fun” conversation prompts available. Rookie mistake. If you think these will save you, you’re seriously underestimating your family’s ability to create conflict. A few years ago we tried “What three historical figures would you invite to a dinner party” and our uncle’s top choice was Hitler. When asked why, he pompously replied “If I don’t invite him, there’s a chance someone even worse could come to power at my dinner party.” Like seriously what the hell does that even mean?! We don’t know, and we’ll never know, we’ve kept a wide berth from Uncle Tony ever since.
4. Memories
There is no more surefire way to generate conflict in your family than by recollecting the moments and experiences you’ve all shared together. Stay away from the photo album unless you’re looking to re-hash decades-old disputes over who broke the Nintendo Wii, which sibling got you all banned from the escape room, or which deeply traumatizing events in your life your parents find to be amusing anecdotes.
3. Thanksgiving
You should all try to remember why you’re there in the first place, right? WRONG. Any mention of the origins of Thanksgiving is going to get super political super fast. Just be all like “Oh, cool, a turkey, that is food we can eat.” In fact, it’s best to avoid mentioning history altogether.
2. Black Friday
Okay, if you read The Hard Times, you’re likely to be the instigator here. A good portion of our readers have at least some anti-capitalist/anti-consumerism sentiment, and when you overhear family members amping themselves up to stand in a 4-hour line at Walmart for a TV, a thing pretty much everyone who wants one already has, you’re going to want to say a thing or two about it. Well, maybe just let them be. You’re full of stuffing and pie and you might hear yourself use the word “sheeple” earnestly, which won’t be a proud moment.
1. Christmas
Christmas? CHRISTMAS?! Don’t talk to me about Christmas, I’m just trying to get through Thanksgiving! Take a cue from people in recovery, one holiday at a time.
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