NEW YORK — A new choose-your-own-adventure horror book intended specifically for individuals in their mid-thirties entitled “Halfway To the Grave” always results in the reader’s character taking an ineffective nap at 3 p.m., frustrated and overwhelmed sources confirmed.
“Choose your own adventure books are back in vogue! But the people who are nostalgic for them from childhood all now have shitty retail jobs and are addicted to edibles so I wrote the various storylines to reflect their real-life experiences,” explained “Halfway To the Grave” author Sheldon Apponda. “That’s why in my latest book, no matter what choices the reader makes, the main character always ends up standing over their kitchen sink eating half of an expired ice cream cake before lying on the couch moaning for ninety minutes. That’s just truth in art, really.”
Bookworm Tabatha Annarundel detailed her experience reading the book.
“This book was somehow both a completely fantastical adventure and a deep and harrowing slog through reality. On page 42 I made the choice to use the mythical bone sword to slay the death fairy and when I jumped to page 73 it said I was feeling ‘wiped out’ because my step-mom left me a voicemail about how I don’t call her enough,” said Annarundel. “It was a bit frustrating that ultimately none of my choices made even the slightest bit of difference in the outcome of the story. But… eh… whatever, you all get the point. I’m tired.”
Sam Froud, a representative for the publishing company Wine Drunk Press discussed the recent trends in literature for people who are, like, just fucking over it already.
“Literature for this specific age group has been struggling to find a new format ever since David Foster Wallace realized that cocaine can only carry mediocrity so far,” explained Froud. “But with choose your own adventure books starting to reflect the real-life bullshit that 35-year-olds deal with, we think we can really crack the market for people who had to call their therapist because a rerun of ‘30 Rock’ reminded them of a terrible former roommate.”
At press time, a sequel to “Halfway to the Grave” was announced, tentatively titled “After the Grave: That Student Loan Company Is Still Sending Bills.”