It’s that time of the year. The time when all of us, one way or another, end up at a holiday party we don’t want to be at. Time is of the essence mostly due to the fact that I’m two beers deep, I just demolished a joint, and I downed my scheduled antidepressants.
So here is my question to you: Can I lay on your floor and let your cats sniff me?
Your beautiful and clean hardwood floor beckons, its cool surface is enticing. Especially after being stuffed in a room cramped with hot, sweaty bodies. More importantly, one of your cats has come downstairs and I absolutely, positively must say hi. I have to lay on your floor and let your cat vibe check me in the way she knows best, which is with her damp little nose less than a centimeter away from my bare eyeball. Potentially even in my ear. The thought of hearing those tiny little sniffs is the only thing keeping me conscious right now.
The other guests here may be upstanding adults with careers but I’m willing to put everything aside for these cats. The only social approval I need this evening is from your cats and if I succeed I will ride the high for the duration of the holiday season. Not even my racist uncle can upset me at the dinner table. Not if both your cats give me a little sniff while I have my entire face plastered to your hardwood floor.
But first, let me give a brief assessment of pros and cons.
PROS:
- I get to meet your cat
- Your cat reaches its daily enrichment requirements
- One less partygoer you must attend to
CONS:
- Someone may trip on me
- Your cats might bite me
- I might get asked to leave
This is an incredibly time-sensitive poll, as the evening is reaching its one-and-a-half-hour midway point, where the maximum number of guests have arrived and my ability to process sounds has deteriorated. This will impact my mental health and social standing for the rest of the year so the question must be asked,
Is it okay if I lay on the floor and let your cats sniff me?