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Former Punk Still Squirmy Around Cops Despite Decades of Fully Obeying The Law

BELLINGHAM, Wash – Former punk Langley West admits he still gets twitchy when cops are around despite having not broken the law in nearly 30 years, according to sources who are total fuckin’ narcs.

“Old habits die hard I suppose,” relayed West while brushing up on local by-laws. “I used to sell laptops out of my trunk that I stole from Best Buy and anytime a cop rolled by I assumed it was over for me. Well, that never went away for me. I’ve obeyed every letter of the law for decades now, hell my oldest daughter is a judge, but I still tremble uncontrollably any time an authority figure is around, and not just police either. Security guards, crossing guards, shift supervisors, all of them shake me to my very core. Sometimes I go out of my way just to prove to them that I’m a normal, law-abiding citizen acting in line with society’s rules and conventions.”

Langley’s daughter Veronica West knows all about it.

“He’s so fucking embarrassing,” said Veronica while seeing how many judge’s robes she could put on at the same time. “Everyone has to like him or he’ll lose his shit. When he walks into a store with a soda he makes sure that he has the receipt in hand, just in case they think he stole it; even if they don’t sell soda. And last week he wouldn’t even drive the speed limit on Main Street because he had seen a cop there the day before. It’s no wonder he didn’t cut it in the punk scene because, frankly, he’s too soft for it.”

Local police officer Bran Chorney says West has every right to be worried.

“Accusing middle-aged men of teenage chicanery is one of my favorite pastimes,” said Chorney while weighing if stopping a crime in progress was worth the paperwork or not. “Just to mess with them, you know? Like that businessman I accused of having spray paint in his briefcase, or the grandpa I strip-searched looking for stolen Pokemon cards. I knew he was clean, but you should have seen the look on his face as he thought he was going to jail for the rest of his life. Me and his family shared a hearty laugh over that one!”

At press time, Langley West was seen jotting down alibis for every day of his life, just in case.