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IDF Announces Humanitarian Ceasefire While Waiting for More Missiles from USA

JERUSALEM — The Israeli government and Hamas agreed to a humanitarian ceasefire after the IDF realized needed time to receive more missiles from the United States after weeks of nonstop assault on Gaza, military officials have reported.

“Thanks to skillful mediators and global pressure we have agreed to a ceasefire to allow humanitarian aid, and the long overdue exchanging of hostages. The timing worked out perfectly because we’re down to our last three sidewinder missiles and Congress is taking their sweet ass time approving more ammo,” said an anonymous IDF official. “We normally don’t bomb civilians this indiscriminately so we didn’t do a great job taking inventory, but thankfully our pals at the Pentagon will have us ready to rock once the last hostage crosses the border.”

Pentagon officials reiterated their commitment to supporting Israel but hoped they would show restraint in using their arsenal.

“Listen I know shipping billions of dollars of weapons looks bad, but the United States is steadfast in supporting Israel’s right to defend itself and yeah it would be nice if this ceasefire was permanent, but conflict is good for business. What everyone should understand is that we budgeted a shitload of money for Raytheon to build rockets so we need to use it or lose it,” said military strategist Dan Faulkner. “Rest assured we’ve made the IDF pinky promise us they won’t use the rockets to blow up any more schools and hospitals unless they’re like, 65% sure Hamas is hiding out in them.”

War historians drew parallels between this and other ceasefires throughout history, primarily the fact that may amount to very little.

“There comes a time during any major conflict when combatants ask themselves exactly what the hell they’re doing and why. The famous Christmas truce of World War 1 brought a sliver of humanity and shined a light on the absurdity of war during one of civilizations’ ugliest periods. Unfortunately, this ceasefire is only because the IDF blew through their yearly military budget in six weeks,” said Princeton history professor Michael Klein.“ The world is hoping for a positive outcome, but as we’ve seen in the past most armies won’t stop blowing people up until their weapons are taken away or there’s nothing left to bomb.”

As of press time, Israel ended the ceasefire prematurely after claiming they had evidence that the Red Cross was aiding Hamas by tending to thousands of sick and injured Palestinians.