The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

These Cops Should Expect to Be Assaulted If They’re Gonna Go Out Dressed Like That

Posted on June 1, 2020 by Brendan Kelly

Last night I went to the first gathering I’ve been to in the months and it was amazing! Everyone there had the same energy and we were all vibing. That is, until these guys dressed in blue shirts and tactical riot gear waltzed over into our turf. Based on what they were wearing, we knew we had to preemptively defend ourselves. Then they had the nerve to get all bent out of shape when we flipped and torched their car. Umm, if you don’t want to be assaulted, maybe you shouldn’t go outside dressed like that.

Nothing says “kick my ass, piss in my face, I’m a lowly, worthless piece of shit,” like a police officer’s uniform.

Hey, I get it. In a perfect world, everyone could dress however they wanted and no one would get hurt. But this isn’t a fairy tale. This is real life. Here’s the thing, boys: If you didn’t want to be assaulted, you shouldn’t have shown up dressed like that. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that when your clothes scream “I’m an armed threat with that will face no repercussions,” someone is gonna put hands on you.

In fairness, no one deserves to have the shit beaten out of them capriciously like that. No one deserves to be dehumanized and brutalized. Not in their own home when someone intrudes through the wrong door, not when they were just pulled over and tried to express that they were a licensed gun owner, not when they’re selling loose cigarettes, not when they’re jogging, not when they’re a kid in a hoodie, not when they’re a kid in a playground with a toy gun, and not when they allegedly wrote a bad check. No one deserves that kind of indignity and injustice, EVER. But, when you consider what these cops had on, you can see how they could have easily prevented this.

There’s something to be said for the accountability of the perpetrators of course. No crime is committed by the victim alone. But if you’re gonna walk out onto our streets dressed like a pig then I’m sorry, honey. You’re just a punching bag for the revolution. Maybe next time you’ll think twice before walking out fo the house with that uniform on.

Photo by David Odisho/Shutterstock

Undercover Cop Gives Self Away by Wearing Hatebreed Shirt

Posted on June 1, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

NEW YORK — Local undercover cop Daniel Cleary accidentally revealed himself as law enforcement during the protests surrounding the murder of George Floyd at the hands of police by wearing his favorite Hatebreed shirt while trying to blend in, multiple sources confirmed.

“We know the NYPD is sending undercover cops into the protests to stir shit up so they can make it easier to arrest people, but it’s almost like they aren’t even trying at this point. If you’re going to show up wearing sunglasses and a Hatebreed shirt you might as well just come in your police uniform screaming ‘I’m a fucking cop’ and ditch the charade,” said protester Andie Clements. “The fact that he was asking men that walked by if they ‘do UFC’ and then kept saying ‘Sup blood? Got any drugs?’ to any black person he saw certainly didn’t help.”

Officer Cleary believes it was a lack of coordination with other undercover cops that led to his outing.

“There is no doubt in my mind that we could have pulled this off if we had just discussed our wardrobe better, but it turns out that all 250 officers that were sent into the crowd wore the same exact Hatebreed shirt,” said Officer Cleary. “We must have all been at the same Ozzfest in 2006 when we got these shirts and didn’t even realize it, I fucking knew I should have worn my Black Label Society shirt. But I don’t care if my cover is blown, my police chief said I have a quota to meet and I still plan on punching at least 20 women, cuffing at least five black men to street poles, and pepper spraying any dogs I see.”

Protest organizers try to keep people educated on how to look out for cops during events.

“There are so many ways to tell you’re dealing with a cop. If they have an athletic build and are wearing cargo shorts — they’re a cop. If they are standing casually and have their thumbs resting on their belt buckle — they’re a cop. If they’re white and have a 75% finished tribal tattoo on their bicep — you better believe they’re a cop, or possibly just some reiki guy,” said Chloe Fischer, a community activist. “These people will often try to get you to engage in illegal behavior for the sole purpose of beating you senseless, do not fall for it.”

At press time Cleary was seen backing an unmarked police car into a group of peaceful protesters trying to flee tear gas.

We Interview The Absolute Moron Who Tried To Make Risotto On Chopped

Posted on June 1, 2020 by Charles Bill

This past week we all watched as executive chef Jeff Tray was eliminated from the hit Food Network show “Chopped” after the dimwit attempted to make the notoriously time-consuming side dish risotto. We interviewed Tray regarding his dismissal, and attempted to figure out how he manages to use an oven on a daily basis without lighting his stupid ass on fire.

First off, fuck you. Second, why the hell would you attempt risotto?
I think I got cocky after getting past the first round. The basket was duck feet, a cornucopia, a live bat, and arugula. That’s two proteins, which sucks. So I just chucked all that shit on a frozen pizza and nuked it. The bat was way overdone, but another contestant cut his finger off and was eliminated for featuring more of the severed digit than the basket ingredients. That’s when I decided to swing for the fences and cook up some risotto.

Fucking mind boggling. You do know that is like trying to turn lead into gold right? I would rather eat the ass out of a bull moose than attempt this on television.
Well, in hindsight, I only had ten minutes left, and I know it always takes way longer than that, and hundreds of people before me had failed at making it, but fuck it, bay life. It was really underdone, so I tried to say it was al dente, but that really pissed off judge Scott Conant, who punched me in the neck and spat on me. We filmed the show months ago, but every week I Scott leaves a box of dog shit on my front steps.

You mention Scott, were you happy with the choice of judges? Or are you too much of a god damn imbecile to even know what “happy” means?
It was cool to see Aaron Sanchez over-pronounce Mexican food names, and Amanda Freezetag [sic] was nice. But Scott was a dick. He’s a swarthy Italian, so I tried to score brownie points with him by doing a bunch of chef kisses and Italian-sounding ‘boopity boppity” talk as I presented the risotto, but apparently that’s ‘offensive’ or whatever.

After getting chopped, did you hurl your feces around the room and cry like the little baby-backed bitch you are?
I threw two fingers into the air, screamed ‘deuces,’ and played air guitar while running out of the kitchen. But in post they changed it to me graciously thanking them for the opportunity.

Jeff is hoping to cook risotto on more reality shows, but is considering concocting some bullshit “deceased grandma taught me to cook” sob story to give him a leg-up on the competition.

Discarded Body Found Rolled Up in Carpet and Buried in Shallow Grave Is Actually Animal Chin

Posted on June 1, 2020 by Seth Macy

LOS ANGELES — Human remains discovered in a shallow grave in Angeles Forest yesterday were identified as those of legendary skateboarding pioneer Won-Ton “Animal” Chin, who had gone missing in 1987, law enforcement officials confirmed.

“I’m glad the skateboarding family can finally have some closure,” said skateboarding legend Tony Hawk, one of the original Bones Brigade members tasked with finding Chin. “We probably could have looked harder, but honestly, every place we looked had sick vert ramps or insane pools. I was just a young kid then — I honestly don’t know why law enforcement deputized me, or any of the other guys for that matter, to do their job. Animal was clearly murdered and the psycho that killed him could have killed us, too.”

Ultimately, Los Angeles detectives came to regret enlisting a group of teenage skaters in the official investigation.

“In hindsight, we realize we should’ve focused more on working with fellow officers familiar with missing persons cases,” said Lt. David Snead of the Los Angeles Police Department. “When we’d arrive at a drainage ditch to run a sweep, they’d start planning out lines and talk about how ‘stoked’ they were to be there: they never actually looked for a body. At one point, they left California to begin their search in Hawaii, with no real evidence that Mr. Chin had made the trip to the islands.”

The Bones Brigade was also criticized for not following proper investigation procedure.

“We’d hear accounts that Chin had been at a half-pipe and was blazing, just incredibly rad — but when we’d search for evidence, we’d discover the Bones Brigade had compromised the scene by ripping it so hard that we couldn’t find a usable fingerprint to save our lives,” according to lead investigator James Pelletier. “Plus, all the crime scene photography they did was through a super-sick fisheye lens… and while it looked hella rad, it was useless for our investigation.”

Officials admitted it was the second-biggest mistake they’d made working with skaters — the worst being the hiring of Jeremy Klein and Heath Kirchart to aid in the investigation of several fires they themselves had started.

Tesla Releases Cheaper Model With 5 Second Advertisements Before Letting You Brake

Posted on May 31, 2020 by Dan Tomascik

LOS ANGELES — At an unveiling at the Tesla Design Studio, CEO Elon Musk presented a new, cheaper base model of the electric car, less expensive in part thanks to advertisements added in before a person can access the brakes.

“We call it the Tesla Model YES,” said Musk, on stage with a live feed of Tesla’s stock fluctuations on display behind the vehicle. “It is essentially our Model S, but we’ve now made it more accessible to low-income families. The YES means, of course, a ‘yes’ to Tesla, but also a yes to a super cool, highly profitable cyberpunk future.”

The Model YES includes an “intuitive” advertisement system that allows each individual car to pay for itself via sponsors. The car requires all drivers to complete a five-second ad after touching the brake pedal, before the car will begin to slow to a stop.

“We’ve anticipated your questions,” Musk said to the eager crowd at the Studio. “I know you’re concerned, but don’t worry—brakes aren’t the only advertisement on this bad boy. We’ve got banner ads across the windshield when you use a turn signal, sound ads reaching 100 decibels whenever your GPS reads a direction aloud, and of course a holographic movie trailer when the Model YES detects you’re making a K-turn.”

In an example, Musk’s assistant hopped in the vehicle and attempted to buckle his seatbelt. Before the belt fully clipped into place, the crowd oohed and ahhed as a thirty-second ad for Raid: Shadow Legends played over the car’s speakers.

Skeptics in the crowd, while impressed with the $15,990.00 price point, were concerned about the dangers of the invasive advertisements. To that end, Musk unveiled a tier package for the car, in which a premium, no-ads version of the Model YES cost $79,990.00 — the same price as the mechanically and aesthetically identical Model S.

“The inspiration for the low-cost version came from my employees,” Musk said at the conclusion of the event. “I wanted to be able to build a car that they themselves could buy one day, even after I’ve laid them off in six months.”

Violent Video Game Linked to Real Life Violence

Posted on May 31, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — A new study by Columbia University has found a potential link between violent video games where players control police officer characters and police violence in real life.

“The ability to put gamers in the shoes of violent police officers has clearly influenced a massive amount of people nationwide to commit these horrible acts in public. Just look around! Something must have caused this all. Clearly, Virtua Cop is to blame,” said lead researcher Christine Mason. “Being able to play as a police officer in a video game is just too much for people to handle. Games like Police Simulator, SWAT, and maybe even some mods of Grand Theft Auto that let you play as the police all need to be banned.”

Prominent activist groups such as Mothers Against Violent Video Games (MAVVG) were quick to condemn police violence.

“Now that I know these awful police brutality videos are linked to video games, I finally feel comfortable saying that these cops need to get their act together,” said local mother, Mary Heath. “What if my son gets exposed to Astral Chain and decides to become a violent police officer?! We need to ban these games or else I’m going to have to pull out all the stops and use my final political tactic: closing my eyes and pretending nothing bad is happening.”

Despite the public outcry, many police officers have disagreed with the findings of the study.

“This is just ridiculous — none of the officers in my unit have played any of these games,” said Lieutenant Steven Cooper. “Any violence perpetrated by my officers is entirely unrelated to video games and was instead learned through a mixture of misplaced patriotism, centuries of systematic racism, and movies! To blame violent video games on real life violence is just ridiculous.”

“I do really like that No Russian level though,” he added.

Conspiracy Theorist Uncovers Shocking Plot to Remove Him From Group Chat

Posted on May 31, 2020 by Ted Pillow

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — Local conspiracy theorist Vinnie Logano discovered a secret plot yesterday to kick him out of the “BFF Forever” group chat, according to embarrassed sources who repeatedly mentioned that Logano was the one who came up with the name.

“I love exposing hidden truths, but this is my most disturbing revelation yet,” Logano said while using binoculars to peek out his bedroom window. “Here I am, helping my friends by showing them what’s really going on behind the curtains in our society… and this is how they repay me? This is an even worse betrayal than when the Beatles had Paul McCartney murdered because it was the only way to make their shitty lyrics make sense. I don’t know how far this goes, but I’m assuming the deep state has stepped in and compromised my friend group. It’s the only thing that actually makes sense.”

However, fellow members of the group chat admit they’ve grown increasingly fed up with Logano’s outlandish suspicions in recent months.

“Vinnie’s has always had some really crazy theories, but we always just laughed them off,” explained “BFF Forever” member Maria Caparaso. “But he’s right this time — we are kicking him out. Actually, the rest of us have had a separate group text for a while now, because Vinnie’s worse than ever. He keeps sending us this crazy ‘Plandemic’ YouTube video full of dangerous, fake science, but that’s not even the worst part. Who sends a 26-minute YouTube clip in a group chat? Group texts are for memes, gifs, and complaints about or significant others. He’s a sick bastard.”

Due to fear of public ridicule and group chat roastings, many conspiracy theorists are only willing to share their beliefs anonymously on the internet.

“It’s terrible how honest, outspoken people like myself are treated,” admitted controversial radio show host and conspiracy theorist Alex Jones. “Believe it or not, I’ve also been kicked out of many group texts before — Mike Judge won’t even text me back at this point. But getting shut off from personal, human communication with my family and friends just gives me more time to spread my message online. For example, I am personally responsible for almost 90% of posts on Reddit.”

At press time, Logano was approaching strangers on the street to tell them that social distancing was a hoax, and to also see if they wanted to come over his apartment and watch some “X-Files” DVDs.

We Didn’t Sit Down With a Cop Because I’m Not About to Die for a Fucking Interview

Posted on May 31, 2020 by Amir Adan

Today I was slated to have an in-depth discussion with a Minneapolis police officer about the situation on the ground and how he feels about recent events, but I’m not a fucking idiot so it’s not happening.

I was probably going to ask questions about how he as an officer is going to personally help keep other officers in line, maybe one about how he and his colleagues can help rebuild relations in the community, and more. But you know what? Fuck that noise. I’m a first-generation, Somali American, Muslim—not exactly a cop’s best friend. I’m not in the mood to get shot for reaching into my backpack for a notebook.

I would rather interview Phil Spector in an undisclosed dark basement than interview any Minneapolis police officer in broad daylight.

Here’s a snippet of how the interview would have gone:

The Hard Times: Thank you for taking the time to…
Cop: Get down on the ground!
Woah! I’m just here to interview you, I made an appointment!
Stop resisting!
I’m not resisting!
He’s got a gun!
This is a Zoom recorder!

Best case scenario I walk away with my life and a broken Zoom recorder. Pass.

Overworked Cop Having Trouble Separating Work Assault from Home Assault

Posted on May 31, 2020 by Krissy Howard

AKRON, Ohio — Local cop Officer Ryan Kowalcyzk admitted he is having a tough time separating the assault he commits at work from the assault he commits off the clock, sources desperately in need of a “me day,” confirmed.

“I knew when I signed up for this gig that it’d be hard to ‘turn off’ dehumanizing officer Ryan and just slip back into regular ol’ piece of shit Ryan once I left my shift. Even the retired ones and the guys who never actually made the force can’t seem to shake it,” Kowalcyzk said. “But I know that if I want to keep efficiently terrorizing, abusing, and murdering black people while on the job, I’ve got to find a way to separate the terrorizing, abusing, and murdering I do when I still carry my gun and badge around with me off the clock. It’s just exhausting. Boundaries are super important, and you can quote Dr. Phil on that.”

In an effort to find a healthier work-life balance, Kowalcyzk has recently taken measures that will, hopefully, allow him to avoid bringing his job home with him.

“Well, I’m gonna start by deleting three of my Facebook profiles that I use to track some of the neighborhood kids, and instead of raping and beating the shit out of women at work and home, I’m making a commitment to only do that to my wife, after hours,” he said. “I’m not sure how good I’m gonna be at sticking to it, but I’m gonna try it like one of those 30-day challenge sort of things, as kind of like a fun little goal, just for me. It’s either that or start coaching little league.”

Akron PD encourages their law enforcement staff to practice such self-care measures, for fear that not doing so may affect their work performance.

“Separating the obvious exploitation of power all of our boys wield around on the job from the unthinkable acts they commit in their personal time isn’t easy, but studies have shown that separating work assault from home assault results in officers being able to more effectively defend the status quo and disenfranchise some of the lower-income residents. Plus, all that leads to less stress during off-hours,” said APD Human Resources representative, Kelly O’Hanlon. “Some of our officers who have a hard time segmenting these parts of their lives have reported having trouble keep their days straight, along with which excuses they used to kill an unarmed person on camera, often in broad daylight and in front of a large crowd.”

“Nothing will happen to them regardless, but failing to set boundaries can result in stress, which is just unthinkable,” she added.

If You’re Gonna Call Me Codependent the Least You Could Do Is Look It up for Me and Tell Me What It Means

Posted on May 31, 2020 by Eric Navarro

Communication is the key to a successful relationship. Without healthy, reciprocal communication every disagreement is at risk of turning into an argument. With poor communication, something as simple as conflicting definitions of the same word could escalate a disagreement into a full-blown fight. The point is, if you gotta problem, you need to tell me in plain English. If you’re gonna call me codependent the least you could do is look it up for me and tell me what it means.

Namecalling gets us nowhere, dummy. Especially when I don’t understand the name you called me.

Codependent? Just tell me what it means, please. Ugh fine fuck you, asshole. And no, I can’t “just look it up” because I don’t know our Wi-Fi password and you refuse to find it for me. You’re so withholding.

You need help. I’m going to schedule a couples counseling session as soon as you tell me the name of our insurance and what practices are in our network. And where’s my phone? Fuck, can we afford this? I haven’t had our bank login info since we made the account.

Please help me. I’m legit not asking for much. Seriously, you’d think an adult would have some basic life skills at this point but, hey, here we are. Is co-dependent a thing that has to do with taxes? I know you claim me as a dependent but that’s about as far as my tax knowledge goes since I let you do them once we got married.

Why won’t you tell me?! You don’t want to be an enabler? That’s not a bad thing! You can enable me with knowledge. But first, let’s get dinner. What’s the name of the place I like that has that really good thing with the sauce?

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