Skyrim ‘Pandemic Update’ Increases Shout Damage by 1,000 Percent

Posted on by Connor McGarry

ROCKVILLE, Md. — Bethesda Softworks announced a new “Pandemic Update” for their hit RPG, The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, in which the player character will be infected with COVID-19 and do roughly 1,000% more damage with all of their shouts.

The player will also be able to spread the disease to other NPCs, assuming they survive being launched 80 feet into the sky. An optional new item, “approved face covering,” will allow them to opt out of the new features.

“Gamers who are still playing Skyrim nine years after release may have fallen behind the times a bit. We just want to make sure our playerbase stays informed on major world events,” Bethesda director Todd Howard explained. “Besides, it’s not like we have a new Elder Scrolls game to work on, so this update allows us to finally explore the world of Tamriel in a never before done way: actually adding new content to a re-release of Skyrim.”

Howard confirmed that no bugs are fixed in this version of Skyrim, but the game does add a new questline to protest Jarl Balgruuf’s closing of the Whiterun economy. In addition, city guards will now attack the player character if they get within a six feet radius of any NPCs.

“Adventuring in the world of Skyrim was always meant to be a challenging experience, so I’m glad we can add new layers of challenge to the game. Getting COVID-19 is something I’m sure every player is going to find extremely fun to do,” Todd Howard said as he showed footage of a line forming outside the apothecary store in Dawnstar. 

When asked if the company had any plans to donate any of the sales from this new release to COVID-19 research or relief funds, Howard shook his head. 

“We’ve got to get the funds to add new cosmetics to Fallout 76 somewhere, and they sure as hell aren’t gonna come from the game itself.”

New Bike Game Lets You Do Bike Shit

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

SAN FRANCISCO — An extended preview of an upcoming independent title centered around BMX racing has revealed that it will let you do all kinds of bike shit.

“Pedal, bunny hops, grinds, goddam wheelies, it’s all in there,’ said Chad Alterman, lead developer of Pedals, which has been in the works for the last year and is reportedly nearing completion. “We had a lot of conversations about what we wanted to see in this game, and frankly, it’s all in here. You can unlock fucking pegs halfway through the game for god’s sake. You ever see a game let you give a friend without a bike a ride home? That is bike shit through and through, and something we’ve never seen in the genre, frankly.”

An extended demo recently showcased several distinctly unique situations that the developers insisted set it apart from past attempts at capturing what exactly it is to ride a fuckin’ bike around. Additionally, they claimed their title was notable for the things that were intentionally excluded from the release. 

“There’s no online park where you buy new clothes and share videos with your friends,” Alterman continued. “And the only track creator is the option to repeatedly ride your bike in an undeveloped patch of land and make some trails and shit, if you and the boys dedicate a few days to it.  Bike shit. Try doing that in fucking Paperboy.”

After getting his hands on an early build, BMX legend and former video game star Mat Hoffman was vocally impressed with the level of immersion offered by the title. 

“Wow, man, this is fucking bike shit through and through,” said Hoffman, star of Matt Hoffman’s Pro Bmx 1 & 2, released in the early 2000s. “When we did our games, we pretty blatantly just slapped bikes onto Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater, but these bastards really did it! Holy shit are those pegs? This is without a doubt the most realistic portrayal of bicycles and the shit we do on them that I have ever seen.”

After initially being scheduled for a summer release, Pedals has been delayed until the fall because some of chains are fucking up and the developers have all agreed that a bunch of the bikes could use new front tires.

Can You Violate the Geneva Conventions in Halo 3, Horizon Zero Dawn, and Pac-Man?

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

South Korea, 1950: U.S. soldiers kill an undetermined amount of refugees on a railroad bridge southeast of Seoul. Rather than becoming a grotesque stain on America’s record, the horrific event, known as the No Gun Ri Massacre, is simply a footnote in the Infinite Jest-sized book of atrocities committed regularly. Perhaps that’s why it doesn’t even register when we so readily carry out war crimes in video games. That’s why we’re here. It’s time to wake up and find out what other war crimes we have normalized in our favorite games.

Teabagging: the most infamous form of disrespect in all of gaming. Like any game with a crouch button, Halo 3 gives players the option to dip their crotch onto a slain player’s face. If this has ever pissed you off, you had good reason to be mad: this violates the Geneva Conventions. Article 34 of Additional Protocol 1 says, “The remains of persons who have died for reasons related to occupation… shall be respected.” That means it’s your duty as an American to report any player found teabagging to Microsoft AND Interpol.

When Call of Duty: Modern Warfare came out, it was subject to a controversy thanks to its use of white phosphorus. On paper, this weapon does in fact violate the Chemical Weapons Convention. However, many countries (including the U.S.) have gotten around this by claiming that white phosphorus’ primary effect is to cloak troops, and the harm it presents to humans is merely an undesired secondary effect. So you may want to refrain from calling this a “killstreak,” lest you might be punished with a light slap on the wrist (America’s harshest form of punishment).

In Pac-Man, you can turn the tides of battle by eating a power pellet and chasing down your ghostly enemies. But not so fast! The switch in power dynamics does not put you in the right. Article 3 of each Geneva Convention reminds you that “persons taking no active part in the hostilities, including members of armed forces who have laid down their arms…. shall in all circumstances be treated humanely.” The second these ghosts start fleeing, Pac-Man becomes the very monster that was chasing him. There is no good and evil in war. It strips all of their humanity.

Despite all the treaties and protocols, different countries and leaders define war crimes in different ways. Take Benjamin Netanyahu, for instance, who claims that a child who throws a rock at a tank is a terrorist. If we apply that same logic to Horizon Zero Dawn, we can classify a young Alloy as a terrorist in the game’s opening scenes as she throws a rock at a killer robot dinosaur 15 times her size. Sorry, we don’t make the rules; take this one up with Ben.



AVCAB

Hydroxychloroquine Transforms President Trump Into Cool Alter Ego “Donny Love”

Posted on by Alex Salcido

WASHINGTON — President Trump’s experimental use of the anti-malarial drug Hydroxychloroquine has transformed the Commander-in-Chief from a boorish, morbidly obese, whiny turd into the suave and debonair alter ego “Donny Love,” shocked yet oddly charmed sources confirmed.

“Weeks ago, the President demanded that his personal doctor start supplying him with Hydroxychloroquine — and that it be in ‘potion’ form, preferably served from a beaker with vapor coming off of it. So for the past few weeks, I’ve been dissolving Hydroxychloroquine in water, adding some neon green food dye to it, and serving it to the President alongside his morning burgers,” said White House aide Dana Collinsworth. “Then all of a sudden one day, Trump emerged from the oval office wearing a sharp pair of sunglasses, 150 pounds lighter, and with his hair slicked back, saying, ‘You can call me Donny Love. Or D.L. if you like. All my friends do,’ while sipping a Stella Artois.”

Trump’s personal physician Dr. Sean Conley shared his thoughts on the unexpected development.

“While we have yet to confirm whether or not Hydroxychloroquine is effective in combating COVID-19, we agree that Donny Love is without a doubt the coolest president in American history. And that’s even including Taft,” said Conley. “But Hydroxychloroquine comes with some risk: I tried to tell the President that the drug may be doing untold damage to his heart, but he just said, ‘No need to razz my berries, daddy-o,’ and mixed me a highball. He also reunited me with my estranged brother. It’s been a real treat having Donny Love around.”

Hardcore Trump supporters, like Republican Austin Jakinsky, are unsure what to make of the President’s “radical change.”

“I knew something was up when he shared a pic of himself with a sensible salad instead of his usual three Big Macs. And he hasn’t tweeted an insane conspiracy theory or thinly veiled racist insult in days. It’s astounding,” said Jakinsky. “Then just yesterday, he charmed Nancy Pelosi on Twitter by asking her if she’d like to ‘shake a tail feather once this corona shindig is over’ at a local jazz club to discuss the deficit. I don’t get it. Is being a civil human being the new way of owning the libs, or something?”

At press time, President Donny Love had deleted President Donald Trump’s Twitter account, adding, “That orange baboon’s whacked out of his gourd, ya dig?”

Spirit Halloween Announces Plan to Re-Open in October, Close in November

Posted on by Tucker Leighty-Phillips

EGG HARBOR, N.J. — Spirit Halloween announced today that they will keep their stores closed until October, when they will reopen for a month before closing back up in November.

“Given the current state of the world amidst COVID, we see it as the safest move for our employees to wait until October to open our stores,” stated Spirit spokesperson Kofi Pearlman on Monday. “At that time, we will test re-opening our stores in strip malls across the country for roughly 4-5 weeks, before closing and looking into our next steps moving forward. All of our employees will be required to wear masks that are not only safe, but spooky, fully-equipped with safety features and featuring many of your favorite characters: Captain America, Pennywise, Pickle Rick, all the classics. We will also require people to stay at least one Frankenstein length from each other to maintain social distancing protocols.”

Unfortunately, long-time patrons of the seasonal Halloween store were upset by the announcement and are threatening to boycott the store.

“I can’t believe Spirit is submitting to the liberal agenda,” said local man Kenneth Bucksweat. “We should be reopening the economy so we can get back to buying our spooky goblin costumes and pumpkin carving kits, rather than giving in to tyrannical demands of notoriously communist politicians like Dianne Feinstein or Joe Manchin. Spirit will not receive a dime from me unless they reopen immediately and go back to selling skeleton window clings and neon-colored plastic rings with spiders on them in full force.”

However, some customers suspected opportunism.

“I don’t know if this is necessarily unprecedented,” claimed economist Bakari Towns. “Don’t they usually open in like, late September anyway? People aren’t typically banging on the doors for fake cobwebs and CDs of chain noises in the middle of summer.”

Spirit Halloween will also open 22,600 new locations in retail spaces previously housing newly-bankrupt JCPenny, Pier 1 Imports, and Dick’s Sporting Goods locations now out of business due to the pandemic.

Opinion: I’m Not Like Those Gun Toting Militia Maniacs, I’m Just in This Forest Preserve to Suck off Some Strangers

Posted on by Brendan Kelly

The other day I’m down in Pioneer Forest Preserve minding my own business, doing my thing. Next thing you know this family comes up to me, complaining that I’m not wearing a mask or respecting proper social distancing guidelines and so on and so forth. The mom in particular was really full of beans, saying I’m some sort of gun-totin’ militia fella. Now, I’m a reasonable guy. I’m not one of those weirdos hauling a machine gun around demanding that I be allowed to go to BoRicks or eat inside a Cold Stone Creamery or anything. But at the same time, I’m a realist. Sometimes a mask isn’t appropriate. Sometimes circumstances dictate that social distancing just won’t work, and when I’m down here trying to suck off a bunch of random dudes, I’m really not looking for a lecture, lady.

No offense, but I wouldn’t be caught dead in a militia. I might be caught sucking off a militia, but that depends on how fast Ranger Kevin can comb the forest.

Most sensible information about the transmissibility of COVID seems to indicate that outdoor activity is one of the safer options. Even if you get good and sweaty and really worked up and turgid and throbbing, for example, the simple fact that you’re not in an enclosed space, where droplets can collect and become trapped in proximity reduces the risk of infection quite a bit. Not to mention, I can’t exactly suck these dicks with a mask on or from any sort of “socially responsible” distance and, frankly, I’m starting to wonder what hidden agenda that family had. These militia guys might be on to something with their conspiracies. I don’t get into politics though. I’m just here for the anonymous loads.

People see things too often in black and white. There’s a way to choke down a fat stack of random schlongs that is socially responsible and there’s a way to do it that’s so discourteous it borders on being offensive. I stick to the former. The only things I want to see in black and white are the nameless dongs in my face. I don’t want that message to get lost.

Look, we all want to get back to normal, but escalating conflict in public spaces only trips everyone’s panic sensors and makes for further division. What we need now, more than ever, is to take a responsible, socially distanced, but unified, stand against the proliferation of this horrible virus. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go back to sucking these dicks.

Man Enters Week Seven of Pretending He Was Having Any Sex Before This

Posted on by Anya Volz

PITTSFORD, Vt. — 28-year-old Alex Solorzano is now in his seventh week of blaming social distancing for his sexual inactivity, despite several years of sexual inactivity before the coronavirus shutdown starting in mid-March, multiple sources confirm.

“Dude, this covid horniness is brutal,” said Solorzano from his filthy bedroom. “I haven’t gotten laid in forever — I can’t wait until this is all over, and I can get back to normal ways of crushing butt all around town. I mean, like, before the pandemic, I was on a hot streak. A bunch of girls came down from Montpelier for a ski trip… and let’s just say they didn’t find any bunny hills, if you know what I mean.”

However, according to those closest to him, Solorzano has not had any romantic partners for the better half of a decade.

“If anything, I’d assume all this extra time and privacy would be good for his particular situation, and I think you catch my drift,” confided Luis Illescas, longtime friend of Solorzano. “I know for a fact he hasn’t touched a woman since 2015, maybe even longer. There was a wedding he went to last year where he almost sealed the deal, but he realized he was hitting on his second cousin and pulled the plug before anything happened. I’d almost feel bad for the guy, but he constantly talks about his ‘conquests’ when I know full well he’s just at home watching wrestling.”

Dr. Maha Agarwal, a sexologist studying patterns among millennials during the pandemic, confirmed this is a model many chaste men are following at the moment.

“It is not uncommon right now for men to be misleading about the nature of their loneliness,” Dr. Agarwal explained. “If you observe the data before the coronavirus shutdown and compare it to the data now, you’ll find the stats to be almost identical. Unsurprisingly, the men experiencing the most decline in their sexual activity are the married ones — this steep drop often stems from wives realizing how gross their husbands actually are when they’re forced to be in close proximity with them 24 hours a day.”

At press time, Solorzano was informing his roommates that the pandemic has hurt him financially as well and he’d be late on rent, despite the fact he hasn’t paid on time in the past three years anyway.

Climate Report Warns Global Warming Not Quite Strong Enough to Make Seaman Extinct

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

WASHINGTON — Climate scientists have solemnly published a new report which warns that, while the effects of climate change are sure to be devastating worldwide, they will not be enough to make Seaman, the virtual pet for the Sega Dreamcast, become extinct.

“The Seaman is cruel and unkillable,” said lead scientist Katherine Jones. “The icebergs will melt, the forests will light on fire, and the oceans will overtake the lands, ending life on Earth as we know it. But through all that, Seaman will prevail. So have your microphone attachment ready, because there’s nothing we can do to stop him.”

“Our only recommendation at this point is to start burning more fossil fuels,” Jones added. “If we cannot save this Earth, the least we can do is kill Seaman.”

Researchers have tried talking to Seaman, as well as changing the temperature of the tank he is in, but so far Seaman has responded with nothing but snarky insults.

“Hmm I guess I’ll be sticking around,” Seaman said, the face attached to his fish body remaining perfectly calm. “The whole world is burning and you’re sitting here talking to me. How touching. Nothing has happened on this date in history, but twenty years in the future, it will be the day I take over the world as the last living creature.”

Despite many seeing the news as negative, some devoted Seaman worshipers have argued that his presence should be welcomed.

“Seaman may have begun his life as a pet, but now he’s so much more than that. He’s a friend,” said gamer Martin Klein. “Seaman is only mean to you if you don’t take care of him well. But Seaman has never been cruel to me. In fact, he’s the only video game character I have ever gotten to listen to me. I welcome his sharp criticism of me and our society. You should too.”

At press time, climate scientists announced that, despite Seaman managing to live through any conceivable version of the climate apocalypse, there is absolutely no chance that Pikachu from Hey You, Pikachu! will make it past the first month.

17,984 Police Stations Sadly Still Untorched

Posted on by Freelancer

MINNEAPOLIS — Rioters protesting the unlawful killing of another unarmed black man at the hands of police officers successfully burned Minneapolis’ Third Precinct police station to the ground, tragically leaving nearly 20,000 more stations standing.

“We see this as a step in the right direction, but unfortunately, we live in a reality where there are thousands and thousands of police stations that are completely untouched. It’s not until every last police station is reduced to ash that we will feel the need to celebrate,” said community organizer Eva Longworth. “What’s truly tragic about this situation is that no cops were injured, which we hope changes in the future. Everyone inside had already evacuated. They put up a cowardly fight before fleeing in helicopters… I just hope the next police station has all the emergency exits blocked as it’s set ablaze.”

Activists note that similar buildings dedicated to furthering racial inequities and oppression are located all across the country in large cities and small suburban towns.

“Just go on Google Maps and you can locate your nearest police station. These buildings are typically occupied by extreme racists with unchecked egos and a need for power,” said crime analyst Drew Paez. “In most cases, the so-called ‘officers of the law’ are unable or unwilling to seek employment at respectable establishments where they aren’t enforcing this country’s history of white supremacy. Hopefully, some of them resign and get real jobs helping their communities, but if they don’t, then fuck ’em. Let them burn.”

The burned station leaves behind a dark legacy of racial injustice for which the victims of targeted policing will never see retribution.

Opinion: Maybe That Police Station Shouldn’t Have Broken the Law

Posted on by Kevin Tit

Last night the people of Minneapolis rose up and set fire to a police precinct in response to the murder of George Floyd. Many are calling the incident a tragedy, and I have to agree. It’s tragic when an institution breaks its contracts with the public and leaves people with no choice but to burn it to the ground, but here we are.

Let’s be honest with ourselves, the violent criminals operating out of that place have been a huge burden on the tax system anyway.

Yes, it’s sad when a building’s life is cut tragically short in the service of justice. But if that particular institution had made better choices in its life, this never would have happened.

Ask yourself, what was that precinct doing in that neighborhood that late at night? Probably up to no good. The force used to detain it may be considered excessive by some but keep in mind, for all those protestors knew that building could have been armed.

I’m probably the least prejudiced person you will ever meet but look at the statistics. Who is it exactly committing all of these cold-blooded racially motivated murders? Blue people, plain and simple.

We can sit here and make excuses for what environment led to the fate of that precinct. “Where were its architects?” “Was lethal force necessary?” “Why weren’t the brutal, racist pigs who stole innocent human lives working there fired a long time ago?” None of that matters. It’s gone now. Each life that was stolen by an officer who represented that building is gone now. For good. They can’t be rebuilt. The precinct can be.

Let’s hope this is a lesson for all present and future precincts. Nothing bad will ever happen to you if you don’t break the law.

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