The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Hometown Facebook Group Not Even Being Subtle About Racism Anymore

Posted on May 29, 2020 by Louie Aronowitz

DUBLIN, Ga. — Members of the official Facebook group for all things related to Dublin, Ga., have finally stopped hiding their prejudiced opinions and transitioned to blatant, full-on racism, group moderators confirm.

“Here’s the thing: why bother hiding it, ya know?” commented lifelong Dublin resident Darren Friarby, while pricing out giant wooden crosses on Amazon. “I have opinions and values, and there’s no reason to hide them anymore — this disease is all their fault. People are dying because of them. Those people did this to us, and it’s time I let our entire suburb know it. Besides, I heard the Facebook algorithm pushes these types of posts, so maybe I’ll go viral. I could use a win right now.”

Fellow resident and group visitor Allyson Markowitz grew concerned as the posts became increasingly blatant with their hate speech.

“We all knew there were a lot of racist people in the group and in the town, but at least before they would do that thing where they preface with, ‘Not to be racist, but…’ so you could at least see miniscule effort, no matter how misguided and dumb. But now, every post is just, ‘I don’t care if this is racist…’ It’s getting pretty out of control,” she stated while creating a dummy Facebook account so she could still lurk on the group without having her name attached to it. “I don’t think they’ll ever actually act on any of this stuff, but I still changed my last name on Facebook, just in case.”

Social media expert Ron Coleman noted the growing trend of open prejudice in Facebook groups.

“That type of talk used to be relegated to Reddit and 4Chan, with people making some effort to behave on Facebook, but things are changing,” Coleman said, displaying a graph of the rising amount of racism on Facebook as a steep, exponential slope. “Suburban townies have moved into second place as the most jingoistic users — just behind NRA members, but surpassing ‘Star Wars’ fans.”

For his part, Friarby denied that his hate was race-specific, claiming, “I haven’t even gotten started on the feminists and Jews yet!”

How to Pretend to Be Emo Until They Reopen Sportsclips

Posted on May 29, 2020 by J.W. White

Sup’ corona-crotches! So you’re stuck in your house and you can’t go anywhere. You’ve been cooped up so long now your hair has gone from a perfectly faded faux hawk to a bushy mess that would get you laughed out of any Tapout outlet store this side of the Mason-Dixon. You look like a Bernie bro. The only type of “bro” I don’t like. But no worries! I’m here to help you make the best of that sad tribble living on your noggin at least until Sportsclips reopens and we can all order the ol’ Alt-Right-High-and-Tight once more.

But until then we’re going emo, bitches!

First, you need to get some tight pants. This shouldn’t be a problem ever since you discovered Buffalo Wild Wings delivers (pandemic silver linings, I guess). Pick literally anything from your closet and we’ll call this box checked.

Next, you need to post about how shy you are on social media. Don’t overdo it. 18 daily posts should be enough to convey how introverted you are. High-angle selfies should accompany each post. Try to look like you just realized Gilmore Girls has been off the air for… wow, thirteen years. That’s the look!

Damn, thirteen years? Really? Obviously, the reunion specials don’t count.

Next, sensitivity. If the relentless series of beatings I call my childhood taught me anything, it’s that emotions are to be suppressed at all costs. It’s tough, but you gotta get sad. Think of something that makes you depressed, like how you have to hide your depression from your dad who doesn’t believe in it and will just call you a pussy. Or how much you miss Gilmore Girls.

Finally, a general sense of misanthropy. Alright so I don’t know what this word means and I didn’t look it up. I’ve been too wrapped up in thinking how fucked up everything is. It’s like, humans are shit. You can’t count on anyone. Everything either dies or disappoints. And now we’re stuck inside as every breath brings us closer to the inevitable eternal blackness of the void. Man, I’m bummed. I’m gonna go watch some Gilmore Girls.

Police Confirm Standard Target Practice Cut Out Character Has Back Turned

Posted on May 29, 2020 by Kyle Sekaquaptewa

NEW YORK — NYC Police Commissioner Dermot Shea confirmed today that police shooting targets all come standard with their backs turned, clearing up any speculation that the police’s long history of shooting suspects in the back is somehow an accident.

“We train our officers to the highest standards in the world, and we’re very proud of the example they set when pursuing and assaul… er, detaining suspects,” Shea told a crowded room of reporters following the latest shooting of a fleeing person of color. “We take our motto of ‘To Protect and Serve’ very seriously, especially when protecting and serving ourselves.”

Police across the country have recently faced heavy scrutiny after a long series of officer-involved shootings, stretching back seemingly to the invention of police and guns. Many feel these shootings are unjustified and disproportionately target black suspects — an accusation Shea vehemently denies.

“The safety of our officers is our number one priority, followed closely by the safety of the public. That’s why we train our officers to fire at the safest possible moment — when a suspect begins to flee,” Shea said. “And I can assure you, the fact that our target practice cutouts happen to all be black is just a paper printing thing, and is purely coincidental. Purely.”

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio was quick to condemn Shea’s words, but for completely different reasons than reporters anticipated.

“It’s absolutely unacceptable for the police force to practice on fleeing black targets, when criminals take so many other forms in this city,” de Blasio said in a written statement. “Why not use targets that look like homeless people, or a guy selling cigarettes outside of a bodega? As long as they stick to one image, they’ll never be able to properly over-police all of our great citizens.”

At press time, after increasing media backlash, Shea called a second press conference to announce that the NYPD would begin training non-lethal methods of detaining suspects, though his use of air-quotes and a visible wink at the end of his speech left many reporters skeptical.

Elite Gaming Keyboard Used to Book Funeral Arrangements

Posted on May 28, 2020 by Kyle Erf

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — Grieving son and PC gamer Eliott Ward reportedly booked funeral arrangements for his late mother with a $199 Corsair K95 RGB PLATINUM XT Mechanical Gaming Keyboard.

“Losing mom was really hard,” Ward said. “Due to the nature of her illness, it sort of felt like we had lost her years ago and were just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel strange and empty. I have this deep sense of grief, but at the same time, I feel relieved that she will finally be able to rest. So that’s helping me get through this, I think. That and the fact that I sent all the emails to my family using these sick rainbow RGB lights from underneath my keys.”

“I guess in a lot of ways, that’s its own kind of illness,” Ward added. “The cool kind.”

According to those close to Ward, he has kept news of his mother’s death close to his chest.

“I heard a bunch of really loud clicking noises coming from his office so I went in to see what kinds of badass gaming he was up to. That’s when I realized he was booking a venue for his mom’s wake,” said Ward’s boyfriend Stephen Lloyd. “People might think it’s weird or sad to make funeral arrangements with a top-of-the-line mechanical keyboard, but I don’t really get why. He’s able to pick the look of the casket faster than anyone else. He can slide his hands across the keys to book the room within the venue with ease.”

At press time, Ward posted a heartfelt tribute to his late mother and clicked ‘post’ with one of the little side buttons on his elite gamer mouse.

How Lewis and Clark Mapped the Louisiana Purchase by Climbing a Real Big Tower

Posted on May 28, 2020 by Hunter R. Thompson

HELENA, Mont. — A newly discovered journal of their expedition has revealed that famed American explorers Lewis and Clark apparently mapped the entirety of the Louisiana Purchase by climbing a big tower in what is now known as Great Falls, Montana, and looking around at all of it.

“Awoke at camp to discover Lewis ascending the dreaded tower and squeezing his fingers into those damnable outcroppings,” William Clark writes in one recently unearthed passage. “One would be tempted to think the column was actually designed to be clambered up like a monkey, rather than simply entered and climbed with manly resolve. After conquering the colossal pillar, the commander then leapt like a man possessed from the belfry, unharmed, into ten feet of swamp water.”

This journal, recently scavenged from Meriwether Lewis’s burial site by a historian, sheds light on how the expedition party conquered the vast open world of the Louisiana Territory.

“After losing my coin purse in a treacherous river crossing, we found ourselves unable to purchase wagon oil from wandering traders,” Lewis writes in a later entry. “As Clark tells it, he marched to a native settlement 10 miles away, performed odd jobs for the better part of an hour, and returned to the caravan with ten thousand dollars and several blighted swords.”

The lost journal sheds light on other forms of transportation used by the party, such as wild horses, caravan-jacking, and jumping against a mountain to find an invisible ledge. Large portions of the journey were done on foot, reportedly because the group was out of horse-whistling range and “really did not fucking feel like going all the way back there.”

Late chapters, filled in during the harsh winter of 1805, show the expedition’s failing morale.

“Lewis stormed out of camp this morning in a huff, and just kept walking into the horizon.” Clark writes. “Having stepped into the snow to relieve himself, he was confronted by ‘an impassable death blizzard’ about ten feet off the path, and rambled at length about how it ‘totally ruined his immersion.’ I think the man bewitched.”

The journal’s afterword reveals that party member Charles Floyd, recorded as dying from appendicitis in 1804, respawned in Pittsburgh several days later because he had forgotten to sleep at any base camps.

Cop Shoots Klansman in Suicide

Posted on May 28, 2020 by Doug Francisco

MUNCIE, Ind. — Sgt. William Porter, an active member of the Ku Klux Klan, was killed last night following a violent exchange with state police in what authorities ultimately deemed a suicide.

“Following an investigation, it appears that an officer was involved in a kinetic shooting event wherein a firearm in his possession was discharged,” said Millie Winitski, a spokesperson for Indiana State Police. “This caused a bullet to come into contact with the head of a klansman, who was indeed no longer alive following the event. We have concluded this was death by suicide.”

Porter’s patrol partner of 20 years Tom Huffington was heartbroken by the news about his coworker and Klan rally organizer.

“Billy was one of a kind — he may have had the same haircut, mannerisms, and outward racism as everyone else on the force, but he always stood out from the pack. It’s a tragedy when a friend and colleague dies in the line of duty,” said Huffington. “But I can take solace in the fact my brother in duty died as he lived: wielding a gun, with no regard for human life.”

Suicide among police officers is becoming surprisingly common, according to an American Sociological Association study, with steady year-on-year growth since at least 2008.

“The pressures of the job always take their toll on officers. It’s often very difficult for members of the police force to balance a life of racial violence with their duties as high ranking members of the Ku Klux Klan,” said the study’s author David Stephensen. “Some 30 percent of police officers report major anxiety or depression, and nearly all police officers say being a member of the Klan complicates their life in some way — whether it’s keeping their robes and hoods clean after it rains, or finding time to terrorize black citizens that doesn’t conflict with the police officer’s softball schedule.”

Sgt. Porter will be laid to rest at Woodlawn Cemetery with a memorial service this Saturday at 3:00 p.m., followed by a midnight cross burning in his memory at an undisclosed location in the woods outside Muncie.

Epstein Documentary Removes Itself From Netflix

Posted on May 28, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

LOS GATOS, Calif. — Jeffrey Epstein: Filthy Rich, a highly anticipated documentary about the deceased sex offender and financier, has mysteriously removed itself from Netflix just 24 hours after being uploaded to the streaming platform’s servers.

“It’s really the damndest thing,” said Ted Sarandos, Netflix’s Chief Content Officer, on the bizarre disappearance of the miniseries. “One second it’s there, ready to tell the world all about his different connections and dealings, and then boom, nowhere to be found. Oh well, I’m sure the public understands. Hey everybody, Space Force comes out in a few days!”

Many conspiracy theorists were quick to allege that there is more to the disappearance than Netflix’s explanations would have the public believe.

“Wake up everybody,” began a viral Twitter thread this morning. “Shows don’t just disappear off of Netflix! Someone would have had to go in there and delete the file manually. This was a pretty big release of theirs, too. Don’t you think they should have taken every precaution to make sure everyone was able to watch it this weekend? It doesn’t add up.”

Lisa Bryant, the director of Filthy Rich, was naturally disappointed with the untimely disappearance of the film she began working on before Epstein’s arrest last year.

“It’s a real bummer,” said Bryant. “You work so hard on something, and you think it’s finally going to come out and all your work will have meant something, and then it just disappears for reasons that don’t even really make sense. Hopefully one day the public will get the documentary about Jeffrey Epstein that it deserves.”

At press time, new video surveillance footage revealed that Netflix security guards, who were supposed to be monitoring the deletion and creation of new documentaries, had fallen asleep on the job just as Filthy Rich was removed.

Sports Fan Who Never Watched Soccer Now All in for Borussia Mönchengladbach

Posted on May 28, 2020 by Goodrich Gevaart

DENVER — Lifelong sports fan Brian Pimento is allegedly now “all in” for German soccer club Borussia Mönchengladbach despite never previously watching soccer before Colorado’s stay-at-home order.

“Listen, we have a great squad this year with a lot of potential — I’m super excited the boys in green have Marco Rose as the coach now. I think his youth and enthusiasm for this beautiful game will really be what the team needs to finally get over the hump,” said Pimento, fully decked out in team gear. “We’re getting to the Champion’s League this year, baby! Those Leverkusen pieces of shit won’t know what hit them! Mönchengladbach ‘til I die!”

Indeed, Saturday mornings at the Pimento house will be different for the foreseeable future, as the Bundesliga returns to playing “ghost games” without fans present.

“As soon as he found out German soccer would be the first sport back, he dove in headfirst. He binge-watched the season from the beginning so he could ‘figure out the storylines’ and just sort of learn the rules of the game since he has never watched it before in his life,” said Sheena Pimento, Brian’s wife. “He even bought our daughters jerseys of a rival team, so he could scream at them from across the living room.”

“He told them he was gonna ‘beat them Rheinland style,’” added Mrs. Pimento. “Our daughter Chelsea cried for hours.”

For their part, Borussia Mönchengladbach has made headlines for selling cardboard cutouts of fans to put as placeholders in the empty seats — one of which features Brian.

“We have one man from Colorado called Mr. Pimento who bought a cutout of himself for the stadium, yes,” said Bastiaan “Ruud” Hoogesteger, board member of the FPMG Supporters Club in Mönchengladbach, Germany. “He is wearing a generic sweatshirt that reads ‘soccer’ and a Broncos hat, because his kit had not shown up to America by the deadline. We are hoping maybe he waits a few years before he visits us in person. The American healthcare system is not to be trusted.”

At press time, Pimento was crying after Borussia Mönchengladbach’s loss to Leverkusen, after which he promised to install a giant tifo to go on the roof of the house for the upcoming match against Union Berlin.

We Tried to Interview Jeff Bezos, and Then It Was All a Blur and a Giant White Balloon Chased Us and Now We Live in Some Weird Community Prison Type Thing

Posted on May 28, 2020 by Louie Aronowitz

I went to Amazon HQ and was shown into Jeff Bezos’ office, under the guise of interviewing him about becoming the world’s first trillionaire. He spun around in his giant Bond-villain chair. He wasn’t petting a cat, but you could tell he wanted to. I immediately ambushed him with questions on the treatment of Amazon employees, blissfully unaware of the forces I was meddling with.

Suddenly, I heard a faint rumbling behind me. I looked and saw a giant white balloon heading straight for me, and within seconds, before I had time to react or even register what was happening, I felt the outer layer of material against my face, then nothing.

I woke up in a box, left near the garage of a strange cottage I didn’t recognize. I was in a giant puddle… NOT by the front door under the overhang for some reason.

I was assigned #2497.94, I think because that was the price of AMZN the day I arrived? I met someone named #2 who I guess must have been here since the 90’s. I think he was spying on me, but to be honest, I kind of don’t trust anyone here… Except for the people that delivered me, and the people that clean the houses, and pretty much everyone that’s not a resident who is apparently an Amazon employee that got “promoted”.

They keep doing weird psychological experiments on me. So far they’ve had a body double try to convince me he was me, probed my mind with a dream manipulator, and convinced me to run for island president, all for no discernible reason. #2 keeps telling me I’m a “tough nut to crack” but that he will soon “break me like all the others.” I wish I knew what the fuck they wanted from me!

They keep saying they want “information” but Amazon already has all my information!

Anyway, while walking this morning, I saw Seattle in the distance, so I’m guessing I’m near there. If anyone wants to try and save me, that would be lovely.

I tried escaping using a raft I constructed to win an art contest here (this place is weird.) When I looked back I couldn’t see the town, so it might be invisible or something (not surprising, Bezos and Elon probably have tons of crazy Sci-fi stuff like that).

As I got a ways away from the island, that giant balloon showed up again and I was back outside my garage in a box. Again.

Looks like I’ll be here a while, but, at least I can order literally anything I want and it gets delivered right to my house the same day. Maybe I’ll never leave. This place is kinda awesome. Way better than my one-bedroom that I share with 9 roommates in Brooklyn.

Ash Ketchum’s Mom Doesn’t Have the Heart to Tell Him His Original Pikachu Died 6 Years Ago

Posted on May 27, 2020 by Jimmy Beliakoff

KANTO — Local mother Delia Ketchum reportedly doesn’t have the heart to tell her son Ash that his beloved Pikachu is the sixth in a line of Pikachus who have all died, according to those familiar with the situation.

“Pikachus don’t live forever, you know. They have a short lifespan,” Delia Ketchum said to those close to her. “I thought he would figure it out pretty quickly on his own so I didn’t say anything, but he just never really caught on. Ever wonder why Ash’s championship Indigo League Pikachu had so much trouble with the first gym leader in Johto? That’s because it didn’t.”

“I don’t know what to do at this point,” she added. “Maybe it would have been easier four Pikachus ago, but he keeps referring to the current one as his ‘best friend’ and talking about the memories he shared with something that’s buried in our backyard. Am I a bad mom?”

Professor Oak, someone close to the Ketchum family, shared similar sentiments to Delia Ketchum.

“We try to teach kids the basics before we send them off into the world of Pokémon, but death is pretty heavy for a 10 year old,” Oak explained. “So we just make sure they get to Lavender Town at some point and figure out the rest on their own.”

Delia Ketchum’s boyfriend, who wished to remain anonymous, said Delia’s hesitation may come from the fact that Ash’s biological father passed away when Ash was very young.

“Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime,” he said. “Mr. Mime. Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime. Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime.”

At press time, Ketchum said she couldn’t even begin to tell Ash the truth about the “sleeping” Snorlax blocking the route he’s trying to travel.

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News