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Conspiracy Theorist Uncovers Shocking Plot to Remove Him From Group Chat

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — Local conspiracy theorist Vinnie Logano discovered a secret plot yesterday to kick him out of the “BFF Forever” group chat, according to embarrassed sources who repeatedly mentioned that Logano was the one who came up with the name.

“I love exposing hidden truths, but this is my most disturbing revelation yet,” Logano said while using binoculars to peek out his bedroom window. “Here I am, helping my friends by showing them what’s really going on behind the curtains in our society… and this is how they repay me? This is an even worse betrayal than when the Beatles had Paul McCartney murdered because it was the only way to make their shitty lyrics make sense. I don’t know how far this goes, but I’m assuming the deep state has stepped in and compromised my friend group. It’s the only thing that actually makes sense.”

However, fellow members of the group chat admit they’ve grown increasingly fed up with Logano’s outlandish suspicions in recent months.

“Vinnie’s has always had some really crazy theories, but we always just laughed them off,” explained “BFF Forever” member Maria Caparaso. “But he’s right this time — we are kicking him out. Actually, the rest of us have had a separate group text for a while now, because Vinnie’s worse than ever. He keeps sending us this crazy ‘Plandemic’ YouTube video full of dangerous, fake science, but that’s not even the worst part. Who sends a 26-minute YouTube clip in a group chat? Group texts are for memes, gifs, and complaints about or significant others. He’s a sick bastard.”

Due to fear of public ridicule and group chat roastings, many conspiracy theorists are only willing to share their beliefs anonymously on the internet.

“It’s terrible how honest, outspoken people like myself are treated,” admitted controversial radio show host and conspiracy theorist Alex Jones. “Believe it or not, I’ve also been kicked out of many group texts before — Mike Judge won’t even text me back at this point. But getting shut off from personal, human communication with my family and friends just gives me more time to spread my message online. For example, I am personally responsible for almost 90% of posts on Reddit.”

At press time, Logano was approaching strangers on the street to tell them that social distancing was a hoax, and to also see if they wanted to come over his apartment and watch some “X-Files” DVDs.