The Amazing Influence of Music on Sports

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

Music and sports are inextricably intertwined. In everyday speak – they go together. If you ever questioned this, consider the greatest pugilist story of all time – Rocky Balboa. The iconic tunes of this series of films are deeply ingrained in the minds of everyone who has followed Sylvester Stallone’s career from the 1970s to the present day. Click the link that follows, and close your eyes for a second… you’re feeling it now… it’s in your head isn’t it?

In fact, it’s impossible to get that song out of your head once it’s there – that’s the amazing influence of music and sports. Things get ramped up when Rocky goes through his training montage and the ‘Eye of the Tiger’ by Survivor starts playing. As I speak, I’ve got goosebumps racing down my arms thinking about how powerful music’s effect on sports is. One of the comments on YouTube simply read… ‘You are going to eat lightning and crap thunder!’

When you don’t understand the rules – just crank up the music and pretend

Switching gears, you know that Super Bowl Sunday is preceded by one of the finest music extravaganzas known to man. It’s a veritable tour de force in entertainment, whether you’re rooting for a team, betting on a team, or simply trying to fit in with a crowd of football fans and you have absolutely no idea what’s going on. Once again, you can identify with the music because it’s the ultimate unifier of mankind. Sports without music is like a horror movie without sound – it just doesn’t work.

Yes, there are also many of us who enjoy placing bets (a couple of bucks I rate) on our favorite sports teams.  Why not? Whether you’re into NBA betting, PGA Golf, Tennis Masters, UFC/MMA, or even betting on the outcome of the 2020 general election – you’ve got game. The biggest sporting events hands down, is the Super Bowl. We’re talking gridiron. Trusted bookmakers are the only option – that’s why I recommend 888sports betting in New Jersey with tight spreads and unbeatable odds. Put on some tunes and enjoy good vibes on plenty of betting selections.

If you find yourself digging your nails deeper into your seat (don’t laugh, it happens), try taking a load off and play some funky beats. Dr Dre, Snoop Dog, Eminem, Jay-Z, maybe even NIN to get the party started. Music definitely takes the edge off, and motivates you when you’re watching sports, betting on sports, or simply trying to figure out what the heck is going on. That guy in the corner chugging away on a beer and yelling at the TV screen probably doesn’t even know that the streaming footage cut to a commercial, and it’s not even the game he has money riding on. Just saying’, music takes the edge off.

 Batter up! Now let’s hear that jingle

The influence of music on sports is even felt in the game itself. Ever attended a baseball game? Player gets three strikes, or gets run out and leaves the field. Who’s up next? Batter up, with a great little jingle to welcome him onto the field. Thanks to music, those dull and dreary moments are no more. We get to hear these players’ favorite songs as they step out of the bullpen and onto the diamond. Then we know, it’s time for some action. Much the same is true in the lead up to UFC and MMA matches. When those fighters are ready to come out punching, kicking, and swinging, the crowds are electrified with inspirational music, flashing lights, and a choreographed intro with each fighter’s entourage.

Summing it up is easy – those beats make it all worthwhile!

Official ‘Mrs Doubtfire’ Instagram Page Shows Solidarity With Protesters By Saying “Hellllooo!” to All Victims of Racism

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

The officially verified Instagram page representing the 1993 Robin Williams comedy Mrs. Doubtfire has joined the various brands and social media pages expressing support for the protests continuing throughout the nation.

“Just wanted to say, ‘Helllllllooooooo,’ to all victims of racism, profiling, bigotry, and police brutality,” reads the caption underneath the infamous scene where Robin Williams quickly uses a cake to disguise himself with a faceful of frosting. “We see you, and we hear you. You deserve better, and we promise that the movie Mrs. Doubtfire will always be an ally to all marginalized communities.” 

The post has angered many of the account’s followers, who insist that they follow the page for pictures and quotes from the film and not commentary on current events. 

“wow congratulations on turning into a commie SJW account,” read one of many hostile responses. “How much did Soros pay u 2 do this? Post Doubtfire with his tits on fire tomorrow or i will UNFOLLOW!”

Others appreciate the selfless gesture by the account, owned and operated by 20th Century Fox.

“THANK YOUUUUUUU,” read one of many appreciative responses. “So glad to see people banding together to make a difference! I know what I am watching tomorrow!!” 

As of press time, the 20th Century Fox official Twitter page was embroiled in a similar controversy after tweeting a picture of Ben Stiller’s Night at the Museum character with the hashtag “#notallcops.” 

Dickheads Camp in Real Life

Posted on by Sam Schorsch

PHILADELPHIA — Photos are circulating social media showing three armed dickheads on the roof of a GameStop store, camping the protests in real life.

“I fucking hate campers,” said Philadelphia protester Jenn Mcfarlane. “We’re just out here trying to peacefully protest police brutality, and these fucking dickheads are camping on a goddamn rooftop. Come down to the street level and talk to us face to face, you cowards. Plus, they’re defending a GameStop of all places. You walk into GameStop with your soul intact and you walk out with $15 in-store credit.”

“If I find out they put C4 on all the windows and doors, I’m going to lose my fucking shit,” she added.

Despite arguments against their pathetic activities, the dickheads in question have defended their position at the top of GameStop.

“There’s absolutely nothing wrong with getting onto the roof of a building, making yourself comfortable with some weapons, and terrorizing people from above,” said one of the campers, who wished to remain anonymous out of fear of accountability for his actions. “At the end of the day, we’re not actually going to do anything. We’re just here to look down on others, both figuratively and literally.”

At press time, the GameStop campers were taken out by a group of protesters with a ladder.

City Announces Curfew For 30 Minutes Ago

Posted on by Doug Francisco

LOS ANGELES — Following days of demonstration in the streets, Los Angeles mayor Eric Garcetti instituted a curfew for 30 minutes ago, effective immediately, multiple pissed off sources confirmed.

“All residents of Los Angeles are required to be indoors as of 5:00 p.m. today,” Mayor Garcetti said in a televised statement at 5:30 p.m. “We ask that everyone make the necessary arrangements to be at home until tomorrow morning at 6:00 a.m., as of half an hour ago. Anyone caught not complying with this order, effective 30 minutes in the past, will be taken into custody and tried criminally.”

The statements reflect a growing concern among America’s mayors that people may assemble, speak, and petition their government over grievances. In New York, Mayor Bill de Blasio called on citizens to do what they can to deescalate the situation.

“It is your constitutional right to assemble,” said de Blasio. “But if you see the NYPD, remember that it’s been a rough couple of days for them, too. Speak to them gently, ask them if they want a shoulder rub… it is the 9/11 spirit of this city that makes it great. Just make sure you don’t make direct eye contact with them — that could send an officer into a fit of rage that they will brag about with their buddies for weeks to come.”

According to constitutional scholar Rory Byrne, the power of a local authority to institute a curfew comes from English Common Law.

“There’s a long tradition in both English and American law protecting people’s right to assembly,” said Byrne. “But even more than that, the framers of the Constitution, in their infinite wisdom, knew that the people who really needed protection were the weak diaper babies with badges who couldn’t handle even the mildest confrontation without the aid of a shield and a gun.”

The mayors of Dallas and Denver are both considering proposals to ban demonstrators from pointing protest signs at uniformed officers, while Mayor Jenny Durkan of Seattle has floated the idea of prohibiting residents from taking up physical space after 2:30 p.m.

Racism Somehow Makes Comeback After Defeat on Blackout Tuesday

Posted on by Lauren Lavín

LOS ANGELES — Racism made a shocking comeback today after it was previously believed defeated by the Blackout Tuesday social media campaign yesterday, according to disillusioned sources.

“I’m heartbroken to have sacrificed my Instagram aesthetic for the greater good, only to wake up in a country where racism is alive and well. I assumed once the police department saw my feed they would instantly see the error of their ways,” said influencer-turned-activist Misty Shelton. “It really opened my eyes to the struggle of using the right hashtags. I’m starting to think racism won’t ever end unless we start taking more radical action. Has anyone thought about bringing back flash mobs?”

Organizer Lynda Clark said she and “literally anybody else who was paying attention” knew systemic white supremacy and police brutality would survive this momentary acknowledgment of their existence, but hoped this would become a learning experience.

“I had a few well-meaning white friends hit me up to ‘start conversations,’ which was exhausting and frustrating, but maybe next time they’ll start conversations with each other instead, or at least buy one of my ceramic vagina interpretations out of guilt,” said Clark. “Nobody likes gatekeepers, but clearly we need someone pointing people toward the right gates, some kind of gate liaison committee. Maybe I’ll bring that up at the next DSA meeting.”

At press time, America’s deeply embedded racism was still as powerful despite white people across the country joining together to do the bare minimum.

White Liberal Wondering How Many Tweets They Have To Write Before Racism Is Canceled

Posted on by Kevin Tit

DALLAS — White liberal and exhausted local ally, Sonya Neptin, is wondering how many tweets they have to write before racism is finally cancelled, sources following their account confirm.

“I’ve spent countless hours sitting in bed tirelessly fighting against racism for months,” the trust fund recipient explained from their luxury apartment. “I keep sharing photos and text images of senator’s phone numbers to call with all my Instagram and Twitter followers. I share every ‘SAY THEIR NAME’ hashtag. I posted the blackout box, then a ton of stories about what I learned about myself after I took down the blackout box. I’ve either love reacted or angry reacted to every Shaun King video I’ve seen on Facebook, but nothing seems to be working. How long do I have to keep doing this before we do to racism what we did to Harvey Weinstein? WTF.”

Despite all their efforts, other Dallas activists don’t believe Neptin has been doing enough to make change.

“Sitting home and posting recycled memes all day probably makes her feel good, but it isn’t going to put an end to this systemic problem,” says Black Lives Matter activist Tenisha Simpson. “If these so-called white allies really want to help, they need to be the ones out here organizing and mobilizing in the streets. Doing a Tik-Tok dance challenge while wearing a Black Lives Matter shirt or tweeting a name they’re going to forget a week later isn’t going to cut it. POC shouldn’t have to constantly be putting their bodies on the line just to make it clear that we deserve to be treated with a basic level of decency — they should be using their privilege and voice to put an end to this system that benefits them and people who look like them, and I don’t mean like when they shared pics from that yoga retreat against racism. What the fuck does that even mean?”

Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey responded to various inquiries which questioned whether posting about injustice on their platform actually has helped to end it.

“Police brutality is a huge problem in this country,” Dorsey stated. “However, as a businessman, these incidents have consistently led to huge spikes in traffic on the site. It’d be against Twitter’s best interest to do anything that would stop me from making more money, including making an effort to censor hate speech on the site. Unless that hate speech was targeted towards white men or other important people who help me stay rich, in which case Twitter has a zero tolerance policy.”

At press time, Neptin was seen learning the choreography to the George Floyd tribute dance video Madonna tweeted her son doing.

Real-Life RoboCop? This Police Officer Feels No Empathy or Remorse

Posted on by Dan Rice

Imagine if you will: a cold, unfeeling machine with a badge and a gun. A law enforcement automaton incapable of reason or compromise. Driven by a hidden directive to protect corporate interest over all else. If you’re picturing RoboCop, think again.

Officer Reginald Peterson is a New York City police officer and, technically, a human being. But Peterson is no ordinary man. Unlike 98% of our species, Peterson is unshackled by the restraints of guilt or sympathy.

In 12 years on the force, Peterson has fired his weapon 27 times and taken 27 lives. Talk about mechanical precision!

He has been accused of abuse of power, assault, sexual misconduct, and reckless endangerment but avoided repercussions each and every time. I guess you could say accountability just does not compute for this guy!

He may not have a gun that comes out of his leg but he votes Republican and gets a hard-on from killing people, which is just as dangerous.

When asked by a superior why he had no interest in moving on to detective, Peterson explained, “My trigger finger would get bored.” Fuck Robocop, there should be a movie about this guy!

So how did science create this ultimate super-cop? We reached out to Peterson’s court-appointed psychiatrist Dr. Ellana Gutierra to find out.

“Officer Peterson’s aggression has been well documented from an early age. He got into fights at school constantly, displayed racist and misogynistic inclinations, and tortured small animals. He also wet the bed chronically, for which he was often severely beaten by his alcoholic, police officer father. I believe what we see in him is the perfect storm of nature and nurture.”

Perfect storm, indeed! I guess when you mix nature and nurture you get one badass mother fucking cop! And unlike a certain officer Murphy, Peterson shows no signs of reclaiming his humanity in the third act. According to fellow officers, he shot 36 peaceful protesters before realizing the bullets were rubber.

Police Horse Unaware He is One of the Bad Guys

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NEW YORK — Police horse Tiny Dancer, a member of the NYPD Mounted Unit, remains completely unaware that trampling protesters advocating for racial justice and police accountability plants him firmly on the wrong side of history, handlers familiar with the horse confirmed.

“Listen, I don’t want to be out in the streets stomping all over people, but if they’re going to yell at me and throw fireworks or rubber snakes near me, then I have the right to defend myself when I’m just trying to do my job,” said the horse in between carrots. “I would rather be leisurely strolling through Central Park shitting on walkways with impunity, but instead I’m stuck in the middle of these crowds while my handler hits everyone with pepper spray. Some of that wafts back at me and it fucking sucks.”

Activists in the community continue to speak out against obvious police brutality whether it comes at the hands of humans, horses, or dogs.

“When things are ‘peaceful’ you see countless blonde girls petting and taking photos in front of police horses, but as soon as a person of color advocates for their life in front of the same horse it just freaks out and starts stomping,” said protester Elya Robinson. “If that horse can’t control its violent outbursts then it should be out on the streets. It should be at some rodeo somewhere in Texas kicking over barrels or some shit. Fuck all cops, including stupid fucking horse ones.”

Lifelong stable hand Clive Seeley believes that most horses are born peaceful and only through conditioning do they turn into aggressive animals capable of abuse.

“Yup, reckon I’ve seen near on 4,000 horses in my day, and the most aggressive always find their way into law enforcement. There are some horses that just feel the need to control others, then turn a blind eye when another horse kicks a goat or somthin’,” said Seeley, while filling a wheelbarrow full of dung. “I firmly believe that police horses aren’t always bad by nature, but as soon as they join the force they are complicit in a system of oppression. I don’t welcome any of those types of horses in my here stable. I could make an analogy ‘bout some bad apples, but fella, I’ve got a lot of work to do.”

The NYPD commissioner is expected to give Tiny Dancer a special letter of commendation following reports the horse bit at least 35 peaceful protesters.

Looter Has Zero Regard for Neighbor’s Property

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

HYRULE — A local looter named Link was seen breaking into random buildings, destroying valuable clay pots and stealing the money within, according to concerned sources.

“Our shop can be rebuilt. Link’s quest to defeat Ganon is more important than a few pots and four green rupees,” said a Kakariko resident. “I’m upset about the situation, sure, but it only serves to help Ganon to push his distracting message that Link is more dangerous for our community than his army of monsters that roam Hyrule. When you live under the oppressive rule of an evil warlock, sometimes you have to smash some pots. Also, it’s really easy to instantly rebuild the pots the second Link leaves the room.”

Ganondorf, who conquered and now rules Hyrule, condemned Link’s actions in a series of pamphlets passed out around Hyrule Castle.

“I will be designating Link and his friends in ANTIEV as a Terrorist Organization. LAW & ORDER!” Ganondorf wrote. “Yelly Link and the Radical Left want to use the power of the Triforce to defeat me. Very sad! They don’t have a clue! Link will be stuck in the Water Temple. He can’t even defeat his own Shadow. Doesn’t have control over himself. Darkness will reign bigly!”

When asked to comment, Link remained silent — symbolizing that he was, for once, listening.

“Hyaaah!” he said, after a long, meaningful pause. “Hmph.”

At press time, Link reportedly had a nightmare that he was electrocuted by a Mabe Village shopkeeper after attempting to steal a bow.

Anonymous Hacks Into Government Database After Forgetting Own Password

Posted on by Peter Casciato

UNKNOWN — The hacker collective known as Anonymous has hacked into a government database in order to retrieve the passwords to their own social media accounts. 

“We’d been locked out of the accounts for years,” said a member of Anonymous, who spoke under the condition of anonymity. “ We tried all of our usual passwords — GuyFawks69, Fawskfucks420, Maskgang1 — but none of them worked. This kind of password-forgetting oppression must end now.”

“At the end of the day, we’re happy to help out with the Black Lives Matter movement,” they explained. “We’re just not really sure what the point of doing that is if we can’t use our cool account.”

When asked why not simply retrieve the passwords to their accounts using conventional methods, Anonymous said it was “too annoying.” 

“To get your password you have to take this quiz identifying which squares contain street signs,” said the hacker. “But some of the squares have just like the tiniest edge of a sign in them. Do those squares count or not? And what about a traffic light? I mean I know it’s not technically a sign, but does the test know that?”

“Rather than deal with CAPTCHA, we found it easier to simply crack the NSA’s firewall, and find the information we were looking for on its servers,” they added.

As of press time, Anonymous was working on breaking into Bank Of America’s mainframe in an attempt to figure out their PIN.

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