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Police Horse Unaware He is One of the Bad Guys

NEW YORK — Police horse Tiny Dancer, a member of the NYPD Mounted Unit, remains completely unaware that trampling protesters advocating for racial justice and police accountability plants him firmly on the wrong side of history, handlers familiar with the horse confirmed.

“Listen, I don’t want to be out in the streets stomping all over people, but if they’re going to yell at me and throw fireworks or rubber snakes near me, then I have the right to defend myself when I’m just trying to do my job,” said the horse in between carrots. “I would rather be leisurely strolling through Central Park shitting on walkways with impunity, but instead I’m stuck in the middle of these crowds while my handler hits everyone with pepper spray. Some of that wafts back at me and it fucking sucks.”

Activists in the community continue to speak out against obvious police brutality whether it comes at the hands of humans, horses, or dogs.

“When things are ‘peaceful’ you see countless blonde girls petting and taking photos in front of police horses, but as soon as a person of color advocates for their life in front of the same horse it just freaks out and starts stomping,” said protester Elya Robinson. “If that horse can’t control its violent outbursts then it should be out on the streets. It should be at some rodeo somewhere in Texas kicking over barrels or some shit. Fuck all cops, including stupid fucking horse ones.”

Lifelong stable hand Clive Seeley believes that most horses are born peaceful and only through conditioning do they turn into aggressive animals capable of abuse.

“Yup, reckon I’ve seen near on 4,000 horses in my day, and the most aggressive always find their way into law enforcement. There are some horses that just feel the need to control others, then turn a blind eye when another horse kicks a goat or somthin’,” said Seeley, while filling a wheelbarrow full of dung. “I firmly believe that police horses aren’t always bad by nature, but as soon as they join the force they are complicit in a system of oppression. I don’t welcome any of those types of horses in my here stable. I could make an analogy ‘bout some bad apples, but fella, I’ve got a lot of work to do.”

The NYPD commissioner is expected to give Tiny Dancer a special letter of commendation following reports the horse bit at least 35 peaceful protesters.