The Next School? I’m in Jail

Posted on by Freelancer

Beige cinderblock walls. A broken intercom system. The cold indifference of my captors. If I didn’t know better I’d say this was high school. But due to a misinterpretation of public indecency laws, this is a county jail.

Even arriving here in a cop car was like riding the bus to school. Between blowing through red lights and all the racial slurs, I might as well have been on my way to homeroom.

The library sucks so much. Where’s all the great inspirational literature? Some of this shit is literally for third graders. I found a copy of “The Metamorphosis” but that’s a hard read when you’re literally trapped in a small room by forces out of your control.

It turns out the Sheriff is responsible for what’s stocked in this library. So unlike school, this place did manage to teach me why local elections are important. Also, the judge gave me some great life-hacks I wish I learned in school like how “it was a joke, bro, relax” is not an excuse a judge will accept. And did you know taxes are a real thing and not just a plot device on TV in the ’90s? Our education system is trash.

The food is utter garbage. Just colorful mush that all smells the same, served on a cheap plastic tray and I’m not fucking eating it no matter who’s taxes paid for it. Fortunately, the food in jail is better.

I just want to go home. Is it two-thirty yet? Seriously, is it February of 2030 yet?

I kept getting told that I have the wrong attitude and I need to shape up. I’m not sure what attitude I’m supposed to have while in involuntary confinement and forced to comply under threat of life-altering punishments, but I did manage to get my diploma. It’s just really disheartening to experience this high school bullshit all over again.

Pulling out an old trick from my school days, I managed to score a visit to the nurse’s office. I faked a stomach ache and I think it’s working. She’s so gonna let me go home early once she reads the note from my mom in my handwriting.

British Rock Star’s Real Name Probably Reginald Erstwhile Fizzletramp or Some Horseshit

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

LONDON — The British-born glam rock guitarist who goes by the name “Scazz Slaughter” has almost definitely got “some dumbass ‘Downton Abbey’-ish” real name like Reginald Erstwhile Fizzletramp III or some horseshit, anglophobic sources confirmed.

“Awright, yeah? What’s the sticky-wicket, then?” said Slaughter, whose real name is almost guaranteed to be Lemony Chazbatting Warburton or whatever. “Lots of us use stage names when fiddlin’ on our git boxes, right? Don’t mean we hiding who we are, or we soft and prim and proper like the Queen. Now bugger off. Me and the mates are having tea and cucumber sandwiches.”

American music fan Allie Ferguson is frustrated by some of her favorite musician’s “secret Britishness.”

“It’s happened to me so many times: I discover some great new artist from the UK, only to learn from Wikipedia that their real name sounds like some bullshit background character from ‘Oliver Twist.’ Rock stars should be larger-than-life characters that’ll puke in your hair and raw dog your mom, in that order — not dodgy blokes in bowler caps that’ll sweep your chimney for a tuppence and a blood and kidney pie,” said Ferguson. “It’s just another thing us Americans do better than the Brits. Look at the great names our rock stars have, like… uh, Maynard James Keenan, and Rivers Cuomo. O.K., maybe not those names, but you know what I mean.”

British music historian Thompson Sumner extrapolated upon why this is so common in English music.

“A quirky pseudonym is as much a part of the U.K. scene as passive-aggressiveness and non-fluoridated tap water. For example, Adele’s full name is Adeline Flopsy Topsy Turvington. Rat Scabies of The Damned was originally named Viceroy Chesewick Higginbottom, and he was born in a small hamlet called Herrings Knotting Greenforshiredon. And even Radiohead’s Thom Yorke uses a stage name: few people know this, but his real name is Guy Bentley Worcestershiresauce,” said Sumner. “Oddly enough, The Clash frontman Joe Strummer only adopted a stage name out of necessity — his parents named him Sid Vicious, so he became Strummer once the Sex Pistols hit it big.”

Thankfully, British and American music fans are largely setting aside their differences to focus on the Canadian rock scene — specifically, to figure out why every dude in every Canadian band is named either Brett, Wayne, Gord, or Keith.

7-Year-Old Banned From Alphabet Soup for Exploiting Customization Feature

Posted on by Christoph von Munchow

WASHINGTON — Local child Janette Lyons, 7, has been banned from participating in Alphabet Soup at lunch in the Lyons household, sources confirmed. 

“We are shocked that our child would even think of abusing this feature,” said Roger Lyons, father of Janette and patriarch of the Lyons household. “At first, my wife and I were excited that Janette was showing signs of a first-grade reading comprehension and using the appropriate spelling, but once she kept spamming ‘poggers’ and ‘kappa’—that’s when things started getting out of hand.”

Stephanie Lyons, Janette’s mother and supplier of Alphabet Soup, commented on how the situation is not what her husband and herself intended when they first gave their daughter access to the customization mechanism for lunch every Thursday night.

“When we first introduced Alphabet Soup into the household, we figured it would be a fun way for Janette and her younger brother, Andrew, to innovate the daily lunchtime activity,” she said. “But now, she just harasses her brother by posting ‘ez clap’ each time she finishes her meal before him.”

When asked about what measures would be taken to end this activity, Roger Lyons stated that Janette’s access to Alphabet Soup had now been removed and replaced with Spaghettios. 

“Our family believes this decision is in the best interest for our users. Janette will still have the ability to communicate with other users, but now the range of her keyboard is limited. This will help foster a more peaceful community in our household.”

At press time, Janette has been taunting the Lyons household by spamming “ooooooooooooo” in her Spaghettios.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

Let me tell you a secret, dear readers: when we were starting this column, people thought we were crazy for wanting five comments every week. People said it couldn’t be done, that you all weren’t funny enough. Well, look at us now! You’ve proved them wrong six times in a row. Why don’t we celebrate your accomplishments with the five new funniest comments this week?

5. titanfall 2 seems cool but i haven’t played it yet. quote tweet this with a video game opinion that no one cares about

This does not fit the prompt in the original tweet, 9volt. We asked for opinions no one cares about. We care very much about if you think we are dumb or not. If we have to play a video game to change your mind, then god help us, we’ll do it.

4. the same tweet as above, dummy

If you work hard enough, Riecharus, you can make an entire career out of giving video game opinions no one cares about. I wouldn’t recommend it, though. Not because anything bad will happen to you — you just won’t be cool.

3. Adorable! These 142,592 Friends All Got Matching Tattoos

If you are in this photo, and you do not like it, ask yourself how you ended up here. The day gamers no longer fear us is the day we aren’t doing our job anymore. That being said, be sure to take care of your triforce tattoo — yours won’t match it’s faded.

2. Psychologists Warn 1 in 10 Crewmates Could Develop Impostor Syndrome

…jazz organ beetlejuice sus

1. Man On His Deathbed Still Saving Fully Charged Meter Attack

“No Phoenix Downs for me, boys… I’m ready for the final boss. Don’t worry about me, I’ve grinded all my life and maxed out every stat. I’ll tell you a secret… God’s Judgment is only final if you give a damn about what his opinion is. My Buster Sword is going to be the one to pierce the heavens.”

I want to thank everyone for their wonderful comments, which make this column possible. And I will: thank you, everyone. If you want a chance to be featured in next week’s column, be sure to leave a comment on any of our posts across social media. Have a great week everyone!

We Sat Down With Our Dad, but We Didn’t Talk Much

Posted on by Alan Khanukaev

Dads: so mysterious, so inscrutable. The word itself conjures questions like, “where do we come from?” “where are we going?” and “why am I never good enough no matter how good at yoyoing I get?”

So when we were offered the opportunity to speak to the man himself we couldn’t pass it up. We sat down for an exclusive interview during the commercial break of the Pats game. It might not seem like much, but we think we definitely made some progress.

The Hard Times: Hey wow, dad, this is such an honor. I’ve heard so much about you. I’m so glad mom was able to set this up.

Dad: Mm-hm.

Okay, cool. So, first question…um…who’s winning?

It’s a tie.

Right…cool…cool. I love sports. I don’t know if you remember when I used to play-

Can we get on with it?

Sure. Yep. No problem. So, given this rare opportunity, I know our loyal readers would kill me if I didn’t ask this question: how was Home Depot last weekend?

Crowded

…

…

Awesome, awesome. Were there, like, any deals on…parts…and stuff?

Couple.

That’s great. So great.

You spoken to your sister?

Kristen? Yeah, yeah, she’s doing really good, actually. I’m sure she’d love a phone call or-

Mm-hm

…

…

…

How’s school?

Me? Oh, I’m done with school. I’m 26.

You always were a quitter.

Oh, no that’s not…I mean…Let’s just move on. So the main question on the top of everyone’s mind right now is how about those clowns in congress? Am I right?

Congress? If you’d actually read one of those Q-drops I send you, you’d know that any day now, Killary-

Okay! Well, this was great. Thanks so much for making the time. And also, you know I just want to say that..umm…I love you, dad.

Huh?

Nothing. Just I was…nothing.

Cop Beats Protestor With Left Hand So It Feels Like Someone Else Is Doing It

Posted on by Theo Konstantino

LOS ANGELES — Bored police officer Brady Sullivan decided to beat peaceful protesters advocating for racial justice yesterday while only using his left arm so it’d feel like someone else was doing it, impressed co-workers confirmed.

“When I first joined the force, I’d smash people all the time with my right hand, and it felt great. But over the years, it got harder and harder for me to get up the energy to knock a woman’s teeth out when she refused to leave a city park at curfew,” said Sullivan from his squad car. “For a while, I really just felt like I was going through the motions whenever I broke someone’s collarbone with my baton. Then a fellow officer told me about this thing called ‘The Stranger,’ and I felt alive again — the first couple beatings were a little awkward of course, but now that I have a bit of a rhythm, it feels like my first time every time.”

However, Ofc. Sullivan’s shift partner Rex Horn is worried his coworker is taking the new technique too far.

“Sully needs to slow down. Obviously, it’s one of the best feelings in the world — shit, I’m thinking of doing it right now — but he’s doing it so much that the thrill is gone. After a while the novelty wears off, and you’re back to slapping people around like a sweaty twizzler,” said Ofc. Horn. “Plus, I heard if you do it too much, you can go blind. That’s what happened to Bobby Peterson after he beat a busload of guys wearing gay pride shirts… or maybe it was some of the people he beat who went blind. I can’t exactly remember. But anyway, someone went blind, and you gotta be careful it doesn’t happen to you.”

Family therapist Jessie Kümer believes it could be a sign of a deeper problem.

“[Sullivan] is acting out because he thinks he might not have another purpose: his wife says he constantly checks on her, blocks TV channels she likes, and calls her a whore after she sees her friends… but even she agrees that’s not the issue,” said Kümer. “The job has been stressful since the protests are dying down. What he needs is a long break to relax and maybe watch some classified body cam footage, and then he’ll be good to go for the next protest, no matter which arm he uses.”

Reports show Sullivan has already upped his perversion, and is now employing a modified version of the “Jelly Donut” where he punches a protester in the nose right before pepper spraying them.

Charles Martinet Steps Down as Voice of Mario After Being Unable to Finish Eating Gigantic Bowl of Spaghetti

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Famous Nintendo voice actor Charles Martinet has stepped down as the voice of Mario after failing to complete a big bowl of spaghetti and meatballs, according to those familiar with the situation.

“We are very sad to be losing Charles as the voice of Mario, but we think this is the right decision for him to make and we commend him for his bravery,” said Nintendo of America President Doug Bowser. “We test our voice actors every month to see if they’re physically capable of performing their rules. Charles was up to snuff for years as Mario, but in 2020, it’s time for a younger actor to don the iconic Mario ‘stache. One who can scarf down a ginormous bowl of delicious spaghetti.”

Martinet will still be playing the voices of Baby Mario, Luigi, Baby Luigi, Wario, Waluigi, and Toadsworth, if he can continue to perform at the optimal level for each one.

“You can’t stay king forever,” Martinet said in a series of tweets to fans. “I’m hoping I can still pull off the other characters, but we’ll just have to see if I pass the tests. For Luigi, I need to be able to be able to make my teeth chatter while cowering, for Wario, I need to be able to bounce on the ground with my belly, and for Waluigi, I need to be able to jack-off 15 times in one day. I think I can still do all of those for the foreseeable future.”

As of press time, Martinet was reportedly attempting to stretch out his tongue to prepare for an audition to become the voice of Yoshi.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

If Capitalism Is So Great, Why Is This Creedence Clearwater “Revisited” CD Full Price?

Posted on by John Danek

You can’t make it 5 minutes online these days without seeing some smug, pale Ben Shapiro- or Charlie Kirk-type screaming in your face about how capitalism is Our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ’s preferred economic structure. But I have a question that will stump the most diehard capitalist simp:

If American capitalism is oh-so-great, then how can this Creedence Clearwater Revisited “Recollection” CD cost $18.99 at the mall near my mom’s house?

And if the above sentence doesn’t strike you as tragic and revolting, let me point you to the word “Revisited.” This is not Creedence Clearwater Revival, the greatest American rock to ever choogle their way into our lives and hearts. No, Creedence Clearwater Revisited is a Fogerty-less money grab of a cover band featuring the members who didn’t write “Proud Mary” or “Bad Moon Rising”. It never even had TOM Fogerty, let alone grandmaster John.

Supply and demand? The invisible hand of the free market? The Austrian School of Economics? This charade of a music project proves that those ideas don’t hold water when presented with greed, corruption, and the opportunity to deceive the innocent consumer. At best, this Manchurian candidate of rock should cost $5 new for the morbidly curious.

This CD taught me to believe in “Trickle Down Economics” all right. Especially at the moment when my piss trickled down onto the CD on my mom’s back porch. Don’t tell her I did that, I don’t need to get yelled at today.

For all the right’s pearl-clutching about “communist” Venezuela, I did a quick Google search to see how much Recollection costs at Carrillo Musical, the oldest record store in Caracas. A new copy, untouched, still in the cellophane? A measly $3 USD. If you didn’t just open a tab to join your local DSA chapter, you’re a total moron and I hope you get your rocks off while watching Jeff Bezos cuck your bank account.

New Tony Hawk Remaster Allows You to Play As 36-Year-Old Without Health Insurance

Posted on by Andrew Murphy

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Executives at Neversoft, the developer behind the newly released “Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 1+2,” announced today that the latest update to the game will include the character Craig, a playable 36-year-old who does not have health insurance.

“Craig is based on the exact type of skateboarder who fell in love with the original Pro Skater games: he’s a college dropout who works part time at a pizza place, and lives life praying he doesn’t get injured or sick,” said lead designer Steve Banks. “And you can customize his clothes, picking from options like long broken-up local band T-shirts, or streetwear he impulsively bought after seeing it on a 21-year-old’s Instagram.”

Many fans enjoy the risk of every trick turning into a life-altering accident that reduces the character to debt peonage.

“I found myself relating to Craig a lot more than millionaire skaters like Nyjah Huston,” said Will “Skunks” Wiseman, a lifelong skateboarder who admits he’s been less active lately. “I tried to get him to ollie a 12-stair, but he crashed hard — he was just lying on the ground going, ‘Oh, shit.’ And when I tried to have him keep skating, he’d stop after a few pushes and grab his back.”

“But there’s this cool minigame where you go to your girlfriend’s apartment and smoke a bunch of pot, and then she comes home and gets mad because you forgot it’s her birthday, and then you have to go back to the skatepark and find five roses hidden in the course,” he added. “It’s a great touch.”

For his part, Tony Hawk was turned off by the character of Craig at first.

“For guys like Craig, skateboarding is life,” said 52-year-old Hawk. “Tons of guys devote their entire life to mastering the craft of skateboarding, only to realize at 27 that they’ve spent all this time dicking around and have no skills beyond an occasional kickflip, and then they shatter their femurs and sign payment plans while high on pain medication at the hospital. It’s part of what makes skateboarding so awesome.”

Neversoft’s update will include another downloadable character, a 24-year-old trust fund kid named Sky who develops a drug problem and steals other character’s skateboards to trade for coke.

Beto O’Rourke Skateboarding Game Has You Collect Letters P-O-L-I-T-I-C-A-L-C-O-W-A-R-D

Posted on by Tyler Simpson

EL PASO, Texas — Former United States representative Beto O’Rourke announced a new skateboarding video game that lets players collect the letters to spell out the phrase “POLITICAL COWARD,” along with other activities focus tested to appeal to the largest group of people possible.

“At first, I pitched collecting the letters to spell something everyone loves like ‘CAPITULATION’ or ‘HEALTH INSURANCE OPTIONS’, but I was told that the most agreeable phrase among our target demographics is ‘POLITICAL COWARD.’” Mr. O’Rourke said. “Literally every person on Earth agrees that I am a coward. I’ve been told it’s one of the few things that has been labeled as an ineffable truth. More people believe this than believe that the Earth is round. It feels good to bring people together.”

Levels will include every swing state, an El Paso music venue that slightly humanizes Beto, as well as a number of corporate boardrooms where you can kickflip over tables (as long as you clean them up after).

The game also features a large playable cast of other cool politicians, such as Senator Kirstin Gillibrand and DNC Chair Tom Perez, who have terrible stats, but can curse and use middle fingers.

“We’re so happy we get to represent Democrats in a game that will appeal to every platform available,” Perez said. “You can play this game on any console ever created — it’s been optimized to the point that it can’t be categorized as any genre or era of game. And if we can’t get onto a console, we will stop at nothing to ask very nicely if we can.”

As of press time, inside sources within the DNC warned that the game may be canceled after Democrats discovered that a handful of people were excited to play it.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.