California Residents Warned Not to Go Outside or Inside

Posted on by Ella Gale

Californians were warned today to protect themselves by staying both inside and outside, due to the ongoing risks associated with the Covid-19 pandemic as well as hazardous air quality from multiple wildfires.

“Things are really burning down right now. And now that that’s no longer just a metaphor, it’s important to protect yourself by remaining indoors and running your air conditioning. If you don’t have access to a good AC unit, you could go to a local library or grocery store,” warned Eureka fire chief Rusty Dangles. “That inky black smoke isn’t just all that remains of your neighbor’s hopes and dreams — it’s also a health risk, and it can do irreversible damage to your lungs.”

At the same time, epidemiologists seemed to contradict the message about staying indoors and encouraged Californians to remain vigilant about Covid-19.

“Our state is coming up on one million cases, and everyone needs to remember that transmission rates are dramatically reduced outdoors,” said infection diseases expert Myla Mergo, pointing at the blood-red sky outside the California epidemiology lab. “Also, air conditioning can spread the virus, so while your A/C can protect you from smoke, try not to run it. Unlike the air in California, my message is clear: because smoke from wildfires can irritate your lungs and make you more vulnerable to infections, you should remain both indoors and outdoors. I know that might be tough for a lot of people, but that just means more residents should be looking into really tall towers, luxury helicopters, or gazebos with quantum entanglement features.”

Some Californians admit they are confused by the messaging coming from local leaders.

“You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t,” said homeowner Shirley Jakarta, standing in a doorway for safety. “What am I supposed to do? Put in a covered porch? I think it’s all a bunch of bullshit to scare us anyway.”

At press time, Jakarta was wearing a beekeeper’s suit, holding a large umbrella, and staring dubiously at a four-dimensional Venn diagram released by her county health department.

Realm’s Chosen Savior Agonizing at Lair Entrance Whether to Drop Broadsword or Scimitar

Posted on by Chandler Dean

HYMERA — At the end of a harrowing journey to rescue his land from certain devastation, steadfast warrior Demetrios Cherwink was spotted outside the entrance of his nemesis’s lair, unable to decide whether to free up his inventory by dropping his broadsword or scimitar.

The hero, who had slain thousands of beasts, ventured hundreds of miles, solved dozens of mind-boggling puzzles, and developed several supernatural abilities in his quest to protect his realm from darkness once and for all, was bewildered as to which of his two similarly-powered weapons he would leave behind.

“Hmmm…the broadsword is incredibly powerful and provides adequate defense, but not the greatest,” the champion mumbled to himself. “But then my scimitar is well rounded, and I can strike more quickly with it. I can pair either with my steel tunic, which gives me the ‘Metal’s Mettle’ bonus, so that’s good. But geez, I’m stumped here.”

A terrified but hopeful villager standing outside the entrance implored Cherwink to enter the lair.

“Demetrios! Right this way! Our people are counting on you!” exclaimed the villager, entreating the hero to move forward. Later, after Cherwink remained motionless while continuing to mull over his decision for several minutes, the villager cried “Demetrios! Right this way! Our people are counting on you!”

A feral goblin trolling the plains on the outskirts of the lair was perplexed by the paladin’s indecisiveness. [The following quote has been translated from its original grunting.]

“I was just waddling from one side of my outpost to the other for the seventy-third time today, when I saw this spritely elf guy sprinting along his way,” the goblin recalled. “Just as I was about to wave my club in the air and make chase, he froze in space and just started staring in his bag. I quizzically leered at him with a question mark floating above my head for a minute, then got right back to waddlin’.”

As the young knight contemplated his next move, he recalled similar monumental choices from earlier in his expedition, including fretting over which sidekick to bring with him, stewing over which type of hairstyle to wear, and dwelling on how to respond during a meaningless interaction with a shopkeeper.

At press time, Cherwink finally resolved to keep his scimitar, which was instantly destroyed within the first 5 seconds of the boss battle.

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How I Stretched My Stimulus Check To 4 Months and Unintentionally Lost 50 Pounds Doing It!

Posted on by Kevin Tit

2020 has been a shit show. Not here to argue that. However, it was pretty fucking cool when the government gave us that $1,200 stimulus check. I hear people all over the news talking about how that isn’t enough to live and to them, I just say “You haven’t been trying hard enough.”

Here’s how I stretched my stimulus check for four months and can now see bones I never even knew I had!

WALK EVERYWHERE:
In the world of covid it’s no longer safe to call an Uber or take public transit and let’s face it, it’s too expensive anyway. If you’re anything like me, the nearest grocery store to your house is a mile away and you don’t own a car. The safest and cheapest option you have is to just walk. It’s (cough) free and a great way to keep in shape.

Sorry, I cough so much I type it now.

FOOD:
This is what I like to refer to as ‘a necessity’ and by that I mean it’s necessary for you to survive. So, with the fat stack of cash our overlords have bestowed upon us we ought to treat ourselves, (cough cough) right? Load up on Saltine crackers. They’re like bread but cheaper and they don’t mold as fast. Once you’ve got a few boxes in your cart, get yourself some flavor versatility. Maybe a jar of smuckers PB&J? You know, the one with both the peanut butter and the jelly mixed in. How about some kraft singles and a pack of pepperoni slices for your own fancy charcuterie!

WATER:
The human body can go a couple of weeks without food. However, water is much more important for survival. Luckily it’s everywhere! Even if you’re in Flint, Michigan, or any other small town that’s been abandoned by their local government, you still have access to water. It may not be the best quality but just remember that God doesn’t present you with challenges you can not handle. Plus, you get used to the nose bleeds.

RENT:
Stop paying it. Tell your landlord you have COVID for as long as you can. They might give you some sob stories about how they can’t afford to not collect your rent but It’s unlikely they’ll risk showing up to your house to get it from you.

It may not be but if they ever give out another round of checks, and you follow these guidelines, you’ll be able to milk every cent out of it for at least an entire calendar season. Plus, by the end of it, you’ll be wearing the pants you haven’t been able to fit in since middle school!

Emo English Teacher Reminds Class That It’s “Cute Without the E, Except After C”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

HEMPSTEAD, N.Y. — Self-described “emo kid” and 40-year-old elementary school teacher Tucker Grating reminded his class today that when spelling certain words, it’s helpful to remember the grammar-conscious Taking Back Sunday-inspired phrase, “Cute Without the E, Except After C,” utterly confused classmates reported.

“This will definitely be on the test on Thursday,” Grating told his students while swinging a dry erase marker tied to a rope over his head before catching it in his right hand and writing the phrase on the whiteboard. “The most effective way to learn the English language is through mnemonic devices like this one, while completely ignoring the countless amount of exceptions and special cases that ultimately go against it. And the best way to engage a class is through the use of pop culture references. Kids today like emo from 20 years ago, right? I certainly make damn sure my kids do.”

Students, however, are struggling to learn through such unorthodox teaching methods.

“Why do I even need to learn spelling anyway? That’s literally what autocorrect is for,” said student Natalie Borgman before stumbling onto Grating’s old Makeoutclub profile unlocking dozens of his early-2000s pursed lip selfies taken on a Sony Cyber-Shot U. “English is easily the most useless topic at school. My older brother got a Bachelor’s degree in it, and he’s been jobless and living with our parents for years. If anything, it’s a life ruiner.”

Experts have long documented the relationship between language and music.

“The English language and emo genre actually have a lot in common, because both are wildly inconsistent,” said linguist and music history hobbyist Jenny Flattenery. “For one, the English alphabet has five for-sure vowels, and then there’s ‘sometimes Y,’ which is just like this sixth vowel that comes and goes whenever it pleases, and no one quite knows why. Then there’s emo, which has lyrics that are exclusively about friends and girlfriends who have betrayed them, while the whole time they’re grooming underage girls and mentally abusing their partners and friends. Can either get a clue?”

During Grating’s most recent class, students were visibly frustrated by a history lesson comparing the Civil War battles between the Union and Confederates with the “almost equally historical” rivalry between Brand New and Taking Back Sunday in the early 2000s.

Our Writers Need a Day Off So Here’s a List of Some Reddit Comments

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

Hello, readers! Welcome back to Hard Drive, your favorite destination for gaming news. We’re excited to bring you yet another day filled with our hard-hitting independent reporting on the gaming industry. Unfortunately, our writers are pretty burnt out because there’s been a whole lot of interesting gaming news lately. They’ve also been stuck inside for most of the year, which is okay when it’s voluntary for gaming reasons, but stress-inducing when it’s involuntary due to quarantine. 

So, if it’s alright with you, they’re just going to take the day for themselves to catch up on sprucing up their backlogs — buying a bunch of games you’ll never have the time to actually play is demanding work. And in lieu of brand new, lovingly handcrafted gaming and culture opinions by the minds behind Hard Drive, here’s a smattering of randomly selected Reddit comments. Enjoy!

You don’t give a shit where your internet content comes from anyway, right? Hell, you’re probably not even reading this because you only like the headlines! So without further ado, here’s some fucking Reddit comments:

“They also have the smallest penis compared to body ratio of all the apes, google that factoid, shit is basically non existent. Meanwhile the chad human has the largest compared to body ratio.”

— u/detten17’s comment on the thread, “TIL an average silver back can deadlift 1800 lb and their grip can crush a crocodile’s skull | They are 4 to 9 times stronger than an average human male.”

 

“All I know is that for Rochelle, it was a strange, erotic journey.”

— u/havermeyer’s comment on the thread, “The biggest protest in the history of Belarus is happening right now in Minsk”, presumably referencing Rochelle, Rochelle! The Musical, the fake musical that exists in the TV show Seinfeld.

 

“I like that you implied modern society is Europe and not North America. And yes Jesus is a Jew and brown from the middle East, people tend to forget about that.”

— u/carpenterio’s comment on the thread, “Hozier performs “Take Me To Church” in a NYC subway”

 

“Hi im a Disney shareholder and is currently own a fraction of a share. What kind of income we talking here?”

— u/TrialBySnoo’s comment on the thread, Disney Admits Mulan Controversy Pileup Has Created a “Lot of Issues for Us”

 

“I masturbate fine, I only cited those subreddits to show the damaging effects of porn. Also, what are the pros of porn?”

— u/BRBean’s comment on the thread, “Parents shouldnt get kids a phone till middle school”

We thought about adding some comments of our own… but eh, fuck it.

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Nation Tests Positive for Hope

Posted on by Dan Rice

AMERICA — An overwhelming majority of rational Americans announced they were suddenly infected with hope, an emotion thought to be eradicated following the 2016 election results, medical experts across the nation confirmed.

“I don’t really know how to explain it. I saw that Trump tested positive for COVID-19 and I suddenly felt something for the first time in a while. It was like the weighted blanket of misery that had been crushing me for the past four years was slowly being lifted,” said Avery Hansen, a local graphic designer. “I found myself picturing a future where I could talk with my parents again, where I might actually be able to pay off my student loans, and an immediate future where our President dies a slow and painful death where none of his wretched family can even say goodbye. It feels good to dream again, it feels really good.”

Mental health professionals across the country report that their appointments for the week were almost immediately canceled following Trump’s announcement that he and the First Lady had tested positive.

“I was getting texts and emails that basically boiled down to ‘I think I’m good for a while, see you next month,’” said family therapist Omar Perez. “For the past few years my business has been booming because so many people felt like they were being pulled underwater while wearing concrete boots. Lots of my patients have been very concerned they might contract the coronavirus themselves, but now that the President has it, they seem to be the virus’ biggest fans.”

“I’m glad they’re finally feeling hopeful, but I’d like to try to explain to them that this feeling will be fleeting and the root of their unhappiness still goes back to their parents ignoring them,” he added.

At press time, an optimistic nation continued to dream that Hope Hicks would make immediate contact with Mitch McConnell and dozens of other Senate Republicans.

Billie Joe Armstrong Wakes Up to Incredible News

Posted on by Brett McCabe

OAKLAND, Calif. — Green Day frontman Billie Joe Armstrong awakened from a sleep-filled September to the unbelievable news that President Donald Trump and First Lady Melania Trump have allegedly tested positive for COVID-19, sources report.

“Usually when my assistants gently nudge me awake after September is over I arise to a world that’s not much different than it was on August 31. Like, it’s usually more brisk, maybe a little balmy depending on where I fell asleep, but no big deal,” Armstrong said. “I guess in the past I kind of look forward to opening my eyes to witness the passage of another season in what feels like a blink, but this kinda beats the shit outta seeing some orange leaves and the prospect of sweater weather.”

Armstrong described the sensation he experienced upon waking up from his month-long slumber for the 15th consecutive year.

“I guess I’d describe it as shock, awe, and a healthy amount of disbelief,” Armstrong explained. “Overall though, it feels kind of like Christmas, except instead of waking up early and running down the stairs to share precious moments with your loved ones, you’re compulsively refreshing Twitter and just sorta fantasizing about the President choking on his own fluids or maybe shitting himself to death, or whatever the symptoms are.”

At press time, fans around the world are building their own new associations with the song “Wake Me Up When September Ends,” which they previously believed “to be about 9/11 or whatever.”

Opinion: How Could Trump Die From COVID When He’s So Muscular in This Cartoon?

Posted on by Dan Rice

My president likes his soldiers “not captured.” Well, I like my presidents “not dead.” And I like Trump, so it’s a good thing COVID has no shot in Hell of killing Daddy Trump. How do I know? Is it his inability to accept his own shortcomings? His bulletproof composure in the face of being caught dead to rights in a lie on live television? Yes, but also because look how fucking ripped this dude is in every conservative meme in my newsfeed!

COVID is simply not capable of killing Donald Trump. Sure, I haven’t seen him fight COVID in any memes, but here is a list of the things I have seen a poorly-drawn, shredded Donny T takedown via single-panel cartoons: ANTIFA, football players taking a knee, a jaguar, the literal globe, and I haven’t even started scrolling yet.

And I thought Jesus was ripped. To be fair, they didn’t have the Keto diet back then.

The perception of Donal Trump is clearly too jacked to be taken out by a flu. A flu from China, mind you. And they make their stuff real shitty over there. If this were an American flu, then maybe. But even still, I’ve seen Big Don take on America before, and America just keeps taking L’s.

So give Trump all the COVID you want. Hell, add some E. coli to the mix. Then splash some hepatitis in there. Mix in a little Ebola-AIDS for flavor. The man simply cannot be taken down. Oh, and rub some herpes in there too. Get ‘em nice and in his crevices. Trump doesn’t care! He’s just too Goddamn strong from literally dunking on various liberals, athletes, and continents all over my timeline.

Trump Disappointed He Has No TV to Catch up On

Posted on by Tom Peters

WASHINGTON — President Trump expressed disappointment early Friday morning at being all caught up on his favorite TV shows following doctor’s orders to quarantine for the next two weeks, sources safely distanced from the president confirm.

“It’s times like this that you want to just kick back and veg’ out in front of the tube,” said Trump, who previously stayed glued to the television as much as his responsibilities as leader of the free world would allow. “But I practically binged the last news cycle in one sitting. ‘Hannity’ doesn’t have a new episode until tonight, and ‘Fox & Friends’ doesn’t come on until even later than that. What am I supposed to do in the meantime, talk to Melania? This is only the first day of quarantine and already we’ve broken our record for most consecutive time spent together.”

“They took ‘Gone With The Wind’ off of HBO MAX, for Christ’s sake. People have told me to try ‘Game Of Thrones,’ or fiction in general, but it’s just too hard to imagine a world that isn’t about me. Man, the first ten minutes of SNL can’t come back soon enough,” Trump added.

Cable news programs that frequently feature Trump as a guest are bracing to receive the president’s undivided attention.

“I’ve already had so many missed calls from him it’s crazy,” said Fox News producer Stuart Bradford. “He’s even started sending texts like, ‘‘Sup? Need a ratings boost?’ This dude is thirsty. It’s like, what is the fixation with TV? You already have a direct line to your people to say whatever you want at any time. Jesus Christ. I used to wonder, ‘Doesn’t this guy have anything better to do?’ And now I know for sure that he doesn’t. We are so fucked.”

Those close to the president are confident he will pass his quarantine period comfortably.

“This is really nothing new for him,” said head Secret Service agent Paul Chatham. “He can go days at a time without any contact. Let’s just say President Trump is already accustomed to the Howard Hughes lifestyle, if you know what I mean. But Hughes at least used jars. I really feel bad for the cleaning staff.”

At press time, Trump had perked up when he remembered all of his favorite shows were running live on one channel, twenty-four hours a day.

Pornhub Premium Announces Family Plan

Posted on by Claire Brown

MONTREAL — Adult video streaming service PornHub recently announced their plans to further their expansion into the streaming market by unveiling a new family plan for their premium subscription.

“If there’s one thing we understand at PornHub, it’s family,” said Feras Antoon, CEO of PornHub’s parent company, MindGeek. “In fact, for years, we’ve split countless families apart through our predatory recruitment practices. Now, we’re looking to reunite families through our new, inclusive plan that has a little something for everyone.”

For $14.99 a month, families can use up to six different profiles simultaneously through one account. Subscriber Beth Horsefeld expressed her satisfaction with PornHub’s newest direction.

“It’s impossible to know what your kids are going to be watching these days, and that scares me, quite frankly,” said Horsefeld, chopping vegetables and smiling. “But I can sleep easy knowing that the parental controls on little Tommy’s pornhub account prevent him from watching anything I wouldn’t want him to see; like those weird SourceFilmMaker videos of Zero Suit Samus taking a shit.”

Pornographic actress Lacy Maxx offered her thoughts on the new plan as well.

“It really warms my heart to see PornHub listen to their audience like this,” said Maxx. “For years, my mother and father have been asking to see me just one more time. With this new family plan, they can see me on up to six different screens, including Apple and Samsung Smart TVs!”

After partaking in the limited beta test, high school sophomore and self-described “gooner” Jacob Wiggins praised the service as well.

“I don’t really know why they did this, but holy fuck, I’m glad they did,” said Wiggins. “I accidentally logged onto my stepsister’s account, and her recommended is, like, all FamilyStrokes stuff. I’m so fucking in.”

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