Scientists Invent Unit of Time Small Enough to Measure Console Preorder Window

Posted on by Andy Holt

BOSTON — Researchers have made an astonishing breakthrough in the study of time and space, discovering a measurement small enough to determine the exact amount of time next-gen consoles were available for preorder.

“Until now, the smallest unit of time was the Planck, which is quicker than the time it takes for light to travel the width of a single neutron,” said Dr. Rosemary Tubbs, a leading particle physicist at M.I.T. “Obviously, that’s much too large to measure how long the Xbox Series X was available from the Microsoft store on September 22. We needed to rethink everything.”

The project was a joint venture between M.I.T., Harvard, Oxford, and CERN’s large hadron collider, costing nearly $1 billion in funds pooled from governments worldwide. Scientists insisted the work was more than worthwhile.

“Science has taken on a lot of mysteries, whether it’s the origins of the universe, or the relationship between matter and energy. This question was probably our toughest yet. I mean, after all the money they spent marketing these consoles, and all the time they had to prepare for the demand, how do we fathom just how quickly every single site ran out of stock? A lot of people thought it would be impossible to measure,” said Tubbs. “We showed them.”

Gamers were elated to see their struggles recognized by the scientific community.

“I’ll never forget how it felt when I got up on the 22nd, opened four different sites on two computers, refreshed at the right time, and still came up empty. I was like, man, I got fucked,” said local gamer Hans Weltz. “But now I can say I got fucked, like, scientifically.”

Scientists have yet to name the new units of measurement, but possible titles include Time Mini, Time Slim, and the Artificial Scarcity Series X.

God Uses McRib to Create Female Companion for Ronald McDonald

Posted on by Jake Menez

WALLA WALLA, Wash. — Patrons at a local McDonalds restaurant were caught off guard earlier this week as God, alleged creator of the Earth and Heavens, was spotted walking into the establishment to perform a modern miracle, repentant sources confirm.

“This old dude walks up to my table and just grabs my McRib right off my tray,” complained customer Randy Muldoon. “I was just about to kick his ass when I realized it was God Himself. Before I knew it, He’d taken that sandwich and made some sort of woman out of it. Wish He’d have paid me back the $3.69 though.”

Other customers corroborated Muldoon’s story, claiming that God, upon grabbing the limited release sandwich, called out to longtime McDonalds mascot Ronald McDonald to introduce him to his female companion, the newly created Rhonda McDonald.

“Go forth and prosper, my children,” God is reported to have decreed to Ronald McDonald and his new bride. “From this moment on, I give you dominion over all the animals—and whatever the hell Grimace is. You shall rule over this Paradise called McDonalds PlayPlace from the depths of the ball pits to the highest peaks of those plastic tubes that you can crawl around in. From any Happy Meal you may eat freely; but filling your water cup with soda you shall not, for on the day that you drink Hi-C fruit punch without paying, you will surely die.”

Following their introduction, Ronald and Rhonda McDonald seemed to hit it off immediately.

“I’d been pretty lonely for a while,” McDonald admitted. “It’s hard being a clown sometimes, ya know? You’re expected to paint on a big smile to cheer everyone else up when inside you’re as broken as an ice cream machine. For the first time in a long time, I can look at myself in the mirror and say ‘I’m lovin’ it.’ The McRib she came from may be a limited offering, but the love I share with Rhonda is here to stay.”

At press time, The Hamburglar was overheard convincing Rhonda that everyone uses the water cups to get Barq’s root beer for free.

Adjacent Member of Friend Group Clearly Still Hasn’t Learned Place

Posted on by Dan Luberto

NORWALK, Conn. — Local punk and low-ranking member of his friend group Brandon Smith is reportedly completely unaware of his status in the hierarchical structure of his social circle, slightly annoyed sources confirmed.

“Let’s be honest: Brandon’s always been just… kind of there,” said legitimate player in the squad Dave Walsh. “Like, he’s fine to have around, and he’s funny sometimes… but he certainly doesn’t make or break a hangout situation. He’s the last person we text if we need another player for pick-up basketball or something, and some of us even hide our video game consoles when he comes over just so he doesn’t try to play with us.”

For his part, Smith has tried to be more active in recent weeks, trying to make plans around his work schedule, starting new group chats, and asking others to spot him financially.

“Who the fuck does he think he is? Like, if he’s around, it’s always fine… but he invited himself to the movies the other day and asked me to split popcorn with him. Come on,” said Omar Klein, who is often described as a “solid bro.” “Brandon’s not even part of going to the movies usually — that’s my thing with Laura, Christian, Dave, Big Tom, Chip, Medium Tom, and Sammi, you know? When the movie was over, we went to the bathroom and he stood at the urinal right next to mine, even though all of them were open. It’s not a huge deal, but still weird.”

Smith’s own mother admitted her son struggles with a lack of judgement.

“I don’t know what Brandon’s thinking — he’s textbook definition adjace. He’s been that way his entire life,” said Linda Smith. “I don’t know if it’s something I might’ve done to warp his perception, but he always invites himself to my cookouts and birthday parties, and I just want to be like, ‘This is for your older siblings, maybe just stay home next time,’ but I never do. I guess I just feel bad.”

At press time, Smith was sending a mass text suggesting the gang get matching tattoos.

Aging Metalhead Replaces Vest Patches with Known Allergies, Emergency Contacts

Posted on by Mike Civins

QUEENS, N.Y. — Aging metalhead Greg “Nailgun” Dellarose has replaced the patches on his battle vest with his important, personal health information, including known allergies and emergency contact information, following a frank discussion with his primary healthcare physician last month.

“Anyone will tell you I like my metal brutal, but there’s no shame in being brutally cautious about your health,” explained Dellarose, a longtime staple of New York’s extreme metal scene. “For example, I airbrushed my prescriptions next to my Carcass ‘Reek of Putrefaction’ patch, and added my ex-wife’s work number just in case. It’d be a nightmare to be at a fest and pass out in the middle of the pit because my insulin levels got dangerously low, and nobody was there to give me a shot to boost me back up. I don’t even want to tell you what would happen if I got stung by a hornet.”

Dellarose’s bandmates commended him for revising his vest to include information about his blood thinners.

“We love Greg, and want him to shred with us along this mortal coil as long as possible,” confided Vinny “Pinworm” Piegaro, vocalist for Dellarose’s band Putrid Avulsion. “And if that means stocking the practice space with low-sodium snacks and whole grains, then so be it. Personally, I think it’s very metal that he lets everyone know he has sports-induced asthma. He does lean on the whole ‘allergic to latex’ thing a little bit much whenever he meets a new woman, though.”

In a subculture obsessed with death, the attention to healthy living is a welcomed trend among local health professionals.

“This is a huge help,” said EMT Camile Morales. “Sure, ‘Organ Donor’ and ‘Do Not Rusticate’ sound like metal bands, but it’s valuable information for us if things go south. And I guess it doesn’t hurt to know his favorite Bolt Thrower album. While it might seem hardcore to stab oneself with an epipen, I’m glad he updated his vest to include his allergies to soy, penicillin, and false metal.”

Dellarose’s upcoming weekend plans include starting an enema juice cleanse, some Krallice, and cutting the sleeves off his pajamas.

Guy Refuses to Let That Sink In

Posted on by Theo Konstantino

LEBANON, Ohio — After seeing hundreds of political posts that end with “let that sink in,” local man Dick Babcock took a stand today by refusing to let any new information get through whatsoever.

“I was reading a post about police brutality statistics that ended by telling me to look inside myself and reflect. No one tells me what to do,” said an arms-crossed Babcock. “When I saw that, I deleted all social media and started binge watching ‘Cops.’ If you think I’m gonna take the time to consider points I hadn’t previously considered, well, you got the wrong guy, friend-o. I was already onto the next thought three talking points ago.”

Close friend John Specker claimed this isn’t anything new.

“That’s a classic Dick move,” Specker stated. “If you make a critical, objective argument that ends with an emotional platitude, he’ll instantly stop caring — to him, you ruined the argument by appealing to his humanity. He’s not a totally bad dude, but if you try and get him to become emotionally attached to what you’re saying, he just says, ‘I ain’t gonna be a sheep to nobody.’”

Longtime neighbor Marcia Durden agreed, confirming that Babcock has been rejecting clichés since she’s known him.

“He’s always been good about putting his foot down when it matters,” Durden explained. “Last night at the bar, a guy told Dick to leave because Dick said aliens are putting lead in the water to turn us gay, and Dick stood his ground for hours, even past closing time. When the bartender tried to kick him out, ol’ Dickey literally set up a tent and just laid right there on the ground. The police had to drag him out. I just hope no one ever tells him to ‘move it or lose it,’ because Lord knows he’ll lose a limb before conceding to anyone… and he trims my hedges, so that’d be a real bummer.”

At press time, Babcock was sitting emotionless, and changing the TV from news coverage of nationwide protests to “Law and Order: SVU.”

We Rank the Top 8 Metallica Songs My Wife Is Mad I Got the Wedding Band to Play

Posted on by Collin Canning

Anyone who’s ever been to a wedding can tell you the music is the main attraction. That’s why I poured a significant amount of research into finding the perfect list of Metallica songs that pissed off my wife on my big day. Oh sorry, I mean, our big day. Sure.

Fixxxer – An essential Metallica tune to pay the band extra to play at any wedding. The lyrics in this one speak volumes given the context. “Fix this hole in a mother’s son” relates heavily to all those times my wife said she felt like she had to be my mother. So why didn’t she stay in the fire hall to hear the whole thing?

St. Anger – We all remember the video for this one. Metallica plays in a prison to entertain the inmates. Original concept; tight song. So crack out those dancing shoes and maybe see if you can get my wife to come out of the woman’s bathroom for a minute to hear how amazingly they nailed that iconic snare sound.

Trapped Under Ice – Just a dope song. No second meaning. Rock on.

One – I had a whole speech planned to intro this song about how “I’m no longer just one, but we are in fact now one together” but my wife doesn’t seem to be within ear shot. I’m sure she’s just grabbing a drink or something right now.

Fight Fire With Fire – This one’s easy. This is the perfect song to play for the volunteer firefighters who are running the bar for the night. Those guys just love fire songs. Say, have you seen my wife in the last 20 minutes or so?

Enter Sandman – This one will provoke a big sing along. Everyone knows this song, especially my wife who I noticed tapping her foot to it once when we first got together. I’m sure she’d remember but I can’t quite get eyes on her right now.

For Whom The Bell Tolls – The perfect Metallica track to end the night on. A great song to play as the crowd leaves and the groom sticks around to clean up the hall because paying this cover band for all these extra Metallica songs meant I had to cancel the cleaners. Besides, I’m sure as the crowd clears out it’ll be easier to spot my wife in here.

Unforgiven – Okay so everyone’s gone including my wife. It’s just me and the band. And you know what? I paid for a three hour set from these guys and I’m going to get it. We can really get into it and rock out knowing nobody is watching. Bonus: this jam will hold up to repeated listens alone in a hotel room tonight. A fucking classic.

Cops Demand to Know If This Is Really Black Astronaut’s Rocketship

Posted on by Ella Gale

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. — Police detained NASA astronaut Charles Washington today as he boarded the Orion V spacecraft during launch preparations, demanding to know if the $2 billion dollar manned flight was “really his rocketship,” multiple witnesses filming on their phones confirmed.

“We received a report of a suspicious individual wearing baggy work clothes attempting to enter a vehicle on Merritt Island,” said Kirsten Mendelson, the officer who detained the pioneering naval pilot, engineer, and Medal of Honor recipient. “Mr. Washington was unable to produce a valid driver’s license for the rocketship, and two other individuals in the vehicle appeared highly agitated, so we proceeded to search the vehicle. During our search, we found several bags of a powdered substance the subject referred to as ‘Tang,’ which we suspect is a street name for some type of methamphetamine.”

Body cam footage showed Mendelson and her partner casually tossing a confocal space microscope on the ground by Washington’s feet and asking him if he was “doing a little backyard party chemistry in there.”

Washington claimed he’d been hassled by local cops before, but never while wearing his orange launch-and-entry suit and surrounded by hundreds of uniformed NASA personnel.

“When I heard sirens and saw a Crown Victoria blast through our safety fence, I thought there was some kind of security threat to the launch. And in fact, there was: the local police,” said Washington. “One of the officers drew her weapon and started running across the gangplank, telling me to put my hands up. I saw them put our microfluidic chips in the back of their squad car and mutter something about ‘civil asset forfeiture’ — I guess they plan to use these valuable research tools as breakroom coasters. They do look pretty cool, so I guess our research on reversing human aging will have to wait.”

Mission commander Marco Berovski said nothing like this had ever happened on one of his launches.

“I can’t believe this could happen in our country. Maybe it’s a Florida thing,” said Berovski from Mission Control in Houston, a city where black drivers are three times more likely to be searched than white drivers. “I don’t see why they would target Charles — he’s a decorated military veteran with an impressive academic pedigree, and he’s really articulate. Anyway, the mission was delayed by a week at an officer-involved taxpayer cost of $2 million dollars.”

At press time, Ofc. Mendelson was seen using a Celestron telescope taken from Orion V to surveil local Black Lives Matters protesters.

Opinion: Trust Me Dude, Just Buy a PS5, We’ll Totally Play Together

Posted on by Luis Gomez

Listen, we’ve been friends for years now, and I think it’s time we take our brotastic adventures one step further. So, I need you to trust me when I say that if you buy a PlayStation 5, we will totally, absolutely, no-doubt play together. 

Now, I know that in the past my follow-through has been lackluster, and even though D&D wasn’t my fault and nobody really enjoys Jackbox anyway, I can tell you have some reservations. Let me state for the record that I am one hundred percent committed to playing multiplayer video games on the PS5 with you, in perpetuity. I don’t understand why you won’t get on my level. This time will be different, I swear. 

I know you’re more of a Nintendo guy, but just think of all the games we can play! I mean, there’s Fall Guys and Monster Hunter: World and CoD Warzone and Apex Legends — so many options! Well, maybe not Fall Guys — the lobbies are full of cheaters and it’ll probably be dead soon. And Apex Legends is dead. Warzone’s kinda fun, but it’s super toxic. Maybe Destiny 2? Nah… yeah I guess Warzone’s fine.

I don’t get what’s so hard about this. It’s just an upfront cost of like $499, an extra sixty for any game (but really you’ll want like three), another hundo-twenty a year for online, maybe another fifty if you want to get a second controller. Honestly, sacrificing north of seven hundred dollars so you can wade through a cesspool of Heated Gamer Moments with me for an hour every three weeks max seems like a small request. 

Oh, and they just announced the Xbox Series X is coming out. We absolutely need to buy a pair for Halo: Infinite.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Hugo Boss Designing New Uniforms for ICE

Posted on by Mike Civins

WASHINGTON — Luxury fashion designer Hugo Boss AG has been selected to create a bold, new uniform for Immigration and Customs Enforcement [ICE], the federal law enforcement agency that has dominated headlines with its flagrant disregard for human rights and alleged medical procedures on migrant detainees.

“If you’re going to uproot families on a daily basis, you may as well do it in style,” said ICE department head Marcus Kroll. “I don’t know what it is about Hugo Boss, but the tailored fit, the brass buttons, and the gilded epaulettes just feel so right. They have a legacy of outfitting some of the most brutal regimes in human history, and that legacy is alive and well with the new ICE uniforms that will be funded by the taxpayers who are growing increasingly distressed by our policies.”

With humble beginnings as a family business that produced police and postal uniforms, Hugo Boss seized an opportunity in the 1930s to manufacture uniforms for the Nazis, including the SS, SA, Hitler Youth, Wehrmacht, and Waffen SS.

“You can’t underestimate the impact of a leather trench coat paired with shined jackboots,” explained Gert Wagner, spokesperson for the storied fashion brand. “Accessorize with a snarling German Shepherd and you’ll be all kinds of fierce. And if being ripped from their mothers’ arms wasn’t memorable enough, now immigrant children will be left remembering our exquisite embroidery for years to come.”

The new uniforms will cater to various disciplines throughout ICE, from agents in the field to medical personnel.

“Whether it’s rounding up undocumented workers or performing mass hysterectomies on female detainees, we’re seeing a fabulous interplay of both form and function,” commented right-wing fashion blogger Jürgen von Schwenderlauf. “I’d love to see them bring back the death’s head skull and crossbones, too. It totally says, ‘I may just be following orders, but I’m also a bit of a bad boy.’”

While ICE and Huge Boss remain tightlipped on their labor practices, they jointly announced a runway show in Argentina to debut the fall line, delighting investors and fashionistas alike.

Middle-Aged Clarissa Now Mostly Explains Why QAnon is Real

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

ESSEX, Conn. — Former precocious teen Clarissa Darling has gone from “explaining it all” to spending the majority of her time on Facebook explaining why QAnon is real and HIllary Clinton eats human babies, Thomas Tupper Junior High alum sources confirmed.

“Clarissa and I lost touch after graduation, but I friended her on Facebook a few months back. It was great to reconnect… but then she started flooding my feed with baseless claims about Satan-worshiping pedophiles undermining Trump,” explained Darling’s former best friend Sam Anders. “I tried telling her how no part of QAnon is based in reality, and that literally every claim they’ve made so far has been debunked, but she just screamed, ‘This is the Pearl Jam concert all over again!’ Last I heard, she was considering a run for city council to help ‘spread the truth’ and fight the new world order. I wish I could do something to stop her, but I lost my voting rights because of that bullshit felony breaking-and-entering charge from a few years back.”

Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, Darling is steadfast in her belief that QAnon is revealing long-held government secrets.

“Well, how did America get into this totally lame-o state?” Clarissa explained to a blank bedroom wall. “Turns out pretty much a whole ton of lamestream media journalists, Democrats, and Hollywood liberals are kidnapping and enslaving our white, God-fearing children. But don’t worry, folks: our savior Trump will soon be riding in on his white horse to save the day. Zionists will not control this country — I’ll fight to my dying day to ensure that.”

A QAnon “digital soldier” known only as WWG1WGASWAG has had several “odd” online interactions with Darling.

“That Clarissa chick is like, insane, even for a QAnon believer. She kept calling George Soros ‘Pickle-Face,’” said the anonymous Redditor. “And then she claimed Q told her personally that Trump would reunite her with her pet baby alligator ‘Elvis’ that she had to send away to Florida. I mean, even I think that shit is unbelievable.”

Clarissa’s parents have chosen not to intervene, instead focusing all their attention on their son Ferguson who has become heavily involved with the Men’s Rights movement.