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God Uses McRib to Create Female Companion for Ronald McDonald

WALLA WALLA, Wash. — Patrons at a local McDonalds restaurant were caught off guard earlier this week as God, alleged creator of the Earth and Heavens, was spotted walking into the establishment to perform a modern miracle, repentant sources confirm.

“This old dude walks up to my table and just grabs my McRib right off my tray,” complained customer Randy Muldoon. “I was just about to kick his ass when I realized it was God Himself. Before I knew it, He’d taken that sandwich and made some sort of woman out of it. Wish He’d have paid me back the $3.69 though.”

Other customers corroborated Muldoon’s story, claiming that God, upon grabbing the limited release sandwich, called out to longtime McDonalds mascot Ronald McDonald to introduce him to his female companion, the newly created Rhonda McDonald.

“Go forth and prosper, my children,” God is reported to have decreed to Ronald McDonald and his new bride. “From this moment on, I give you dominion over all the animals—and whatever the hell Grimace is. You shall rule over this Paradise called McDonalds PlayPlace from the depths of the ball pits to the highest peaks of those plastic tubes that you can crawl around in. From any Happy Meal you may eat freely; but filling your water cup with soda you shall not, for on the day that you drink Hi-C fruit punch without paying, you will surely die.”

Following their introduction, Ronald and Rhonda McDonald seemed to hit it off immediately.

 

“I’d been pretty lonely for a while,” McDonald admitted. “It’s hard being a clown sometimes, ya know? You’re expected to paint on a big smile to cheer everyone else up when inside you’re as broken as an ice cream machine. For the first time in a long time, I can look at myself in the mirror and say ‘I’m lovin’ it.’ The McRib she came from may be a limited offering, but the love I share with Rhonda is here to stay.”

At press time, The Hamburglar was overheard convincing Rhonda that everyone uses the water cups to get Barq’s root beer for free.

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