LEBANON, Ohio — After seeing hundreds of political posts that end with “let that sink in,” local man Dick Babcock took a stand today by refusing to let any new information get through whatsoever.
“I was reading a post about police brutality statistics that ended by telling me to look inside myself and reflect. No one tells me what to do,” said an arms-crossed Babcock. “When I saw that, I deleted all social media and started binge watching ‘Cops.’ If you think I’m gonna take the time to consider points I hadn’t previously considered, well, you got the wrong guy, friend-o. I was already onto the next thought three talking points ago.”
Close friend John Specker claimed this isn’t anything new.
“That’s a classic Dick move,” Specker stated. “If you make a critical, objective argument that ends with an emotional platitude, he’ll instantly stop caring — to him, you ruined the argument by appealing to his humanity. He’s not a totally bad dude, but if you try and get him to become emotionally attached to what you’re saying, he just says, ‘I ain’t gonna be a sheep to nobody.’”
Longtime neighbor Marcia Durden agreed, confirming that Babcock has been rejecting clichés since she’s known him.
“He’s always been good about putting his foot down when it matters,” Durden explained. “Last night at the bar, a guy told Dick to leave because Dick said aliens are putting lead in the water to turn us gay, and Dick stood his ground for hours, even past closing time. When the bartender tried to kick him out, ol’ Dickey literally set up a tent and just laid right there on the ground. The police had to drag him out. I just hope no one ever tells him to ‘move it or lose it,’ because Lord knows he’ll lose a limb before conceding to anyone… and he trims my hedges, so that’d be a real bummer.”
At press time, Babcock was sitting emotionless, and changing the TV from news coverage of nationwide protests to “Law and Order: SVU.”