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How I Stretched My Stimulus Check To 4 Months and Unintentionally Lost 50 Pounds Doing It!

2020 has been a shit show. Not here to argue that. However, it was pretty fucking cool when the government gave us that $1,200 stimulus check. I hear people all over the news talking about how that isn’t enough to live and to them, I just say “You haven’t been trying hard enough.”

Here’s how I stretched my stimulus check for four months and can now see bones I never even knew I had!

WALK EVERYWHERE:

In the world of covid it’s no longer safe to call an Uber or take public transit and let’s face it, it’s too expensive anyway. If you’re anything like me, the nearest grocery store to your house is a mile away and you don’t own a car. The safest and cheapest option you have is to just walk. It’s (cough) free and a great way to keep in shape.

Sorry, I cough so much I type it now.

FOOD:

This is what I like to refer to as ‘a necessity’ and by that I mean it’s necessary for you to survive. So, with the fat stack of cash our overlords have bestowed upon us we ought to treat ourselves, (cough cough) right? Load up on Saltine crackers. They’re like bread but cheaper and they don’t mold as fast. Once you’ve got a few boxes in your cart, get yourself some flavor versatility. Maybe a jar of smuckers PB&J? You know, the one with both the peanut butter and the jelly mixed in. How about some kraft singles and a pack of pepperoni slices for your own fancy charcuterie!

WATER:
The human body can go a couple of weeks without food. However, water is much more important for survival. Luckily it’s everywhere! Even if you’re in Flint, Michigan, or any other small town that’s been abandoned by their local government, you still have access to water. It may not be the best quality but just remember that God doesn’t present you with challenges you can not handle. Plus, you get used to the nose bleeds.

RENT:
Stop paying it. Tell your landlord you have COVID for as long as you can. They might give you some sob stories about how they can’t afford to not collect your rent but It’s unlikely they’ll risk showing up to your house to get it from you.

 

It may not be but if they ever give out another round of checks, and you follow these guidelines, you’ll be able to milk every cent out of it for at least an entire calendar season. Plus, by the end of it, you’ll be wearing the pants you haven’t been able to fit in since middle school!

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