Dog Sent to Spacious Upstate Farm for Execution

Posted on by Laura McCarthy

GHENT, N.Y. — Beloved family Golden Retriever, Pretzel, was sent to an expansive 80-acre upstate farm earlier this week where she was summarily executed via a 12-gauge shotgun.

“We decided my Uncle Glenn’s rolling green farmland, where there’s plenty of room and loads of little chickens and ducks to chase all day, was the most appropriate place for an energetic dog like Pretzel to have her head blown off,” said Pretzel’s former owner Yvonne Ross. “There’s just more space up there than in our itty-bitty little Manhattan apartment for a dog to run, jump, and explode.”

The decision to rehome Pretzel, however, was not easy for Ross and her husband Jerome to explain to their two children.

“When the kids woke up and saw Pretzel missing from her kennel, we let them know she’d gone to doggy heaven the night before and they just burst into tears,” Jerome Ross said, laughing slightly at the misunderstanding. “And I explained that she didn’t die last night — she went up to Great Uncle Glenn’s beautiful, big farm, which probably feels like heaven for a dog, and is just where she’ll be slaughtered later this afternoon. Sometimes you really have to just spell it out for kids.”

For his part, Glenn Ross was more than happy to provide a new “forever” home to the dog, having given “forever” homes to Yvonne and Jerome’s previous two cats, hamster, and several goldfish.

“Got a horse? I’ll shoot it. Have a rabbit? Dead on arrival. Chinchilla? That’s a new one, but I’ll blast him for ya’,” said Glenn with a kind smile on his face. “I love killing all of God’s creatures equally. I try to give them the best death possible here on these picturesque acres.”

Back at their Manhattan apartment, the Rosses are still contemplating whether or not they want to fill the void left by their cherished Pretzel. “It was tough to go through what we did and make all those hard choices, especially since Pretzel was perfectly healthy, but those claws messed up our new wood floors so much,” Yvonne said. “I can’t go through that pain again.”

If You Don’t Know These Five ‘90s Cartoons, I’m Going to Fucking Kill You

Posted on by Ted Pillow

What up ‘90s kids! Remember waking up early on Saturday morning to watch cartoons while plowing through an entire box of Cookie Crisp? Do you? Do you remember? I pray to God that you do because otherwise I will be forced to unleash a most unholy vengeance upon you. Cowabunga, dude!

1. “Bobby’s World”
If you don’t know this delightful cartoon about little Bobby Generic and his overactive imagination, I’m going to sneak into your home and put anthrax in your toothpaste. Are you mental? It was created and voiced by ‘90s icon Howie Mandel! And I swear, if you don’t know Howie Mandel I will click “Add to Cart” on this flamethrower.

2. “Captain Planet and the Planeteers”
“Captain Planet” was a totally kick-ass cartoon about a superhero with mint chocolate chip ice cream-colored skin who hated pollution. I’m kind of pissed that it tricked me into recycling, but you can’t tell me you didn’t love it at the time. Seriously, you can’t tell me that. My parole officer sent out a letter to everyone within a 5 mile radius instructing them not to tell me that.

3. “Recess”
I don’t even need to make any threats. If you haven’t seen every episode of “Recess,” God will kill you for me. And yes, that includes the seasons that aired on UPN. What, you think God didn’t get UPN, bitch?

4. “Pinky and the Brain”
If you can’t recite the entire “Pinky and the Brain” theme from memory, you will soon have a chance encounter with an old classmate from elementary school. He looks different than you remember, but it’s been years and people change, right? He invites you out for a beer. You accept. Slowly, he ingratiates himself into your life. He becomes your most trusted friend. One day, he suddenly looks you in the eye and says, “They’re Pinky and the Brain/Yes, Pinky and the Brain/One is a genius, the other’s other insane.” He pulls out a katana and beheads you. Guess what? It was me all along. Long con, baby.

5. “Rugrats”
Please tell me that you know “Rugrats.” Seriously, I’m right outside your house. Just come out and tell me you know “Rugrats” and everything will be totally fine. Don’t be scared, I brought enough Capri Sun for both of us!

Famous Painter George Bush Canceled After Early 2000s War Crime Allegations Resurface

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

McLENNAN COUNTY, Texas — Prolific artist and former U.S. President George W. Bush is facing a firestorm of controversy today after numerous videos emerged online of his alleged war crimes between 2003 to 2009.

“I’ve known him for years and he’s always been nice. He never once declared war crimes on my family, so I have a hard time believing any of these credible accusations are true,” said former First Lady Michelle Obama. “What’s next? Today, we’re cancelling Bush for unjust wars; tomorrow, we’re cancelling my husband just for bombing a hospital? If things keep going this way, everyone will be too afraid to order drone strikes on civilians.”

Twitter activist Trey Bathe started the now trending hashtag #cancelBush.

“It’s heartbreaking that my favorite artist has been hiding the secret of starting the Iraq War this whole time. Some of the veterans he’s painted over the years are actually people he sent to fight a bullshit war for oil,” said Bathe. “His series of self portraits in a bathtub are what inspired me to become an artist, but after learning that he has gallons of blood on his hands, I’m never buying another painting of his again.”

While the famed Gentleman’s club Bohemian Grove, as well as secret Yale University fraternal order Skull and Bones, are distancing themselves from their connections to the famous painter, the former president assured his supporters he is learning and will try to do better.

“The allegations you heard are true, and I am deeply sorry. I’ll be honest, I thought Iraq did 9/11; it turns out they didn’t. There isn’t much I can do about it now, though,” said Bush from his gated Texas ranch. “I was raised in an environment where destroying countries was considered okay. My daddy taught me a lot of valuable lessons: make sure you make eye contact when talking to people, have a firm handshake, and overthrow governments that pose any risk to American interests. I promise to never start any more never-ending wars from here on out. Now, watch me sink this putt.”

The accusations are simply the latest to roil the international arts community, following disturbing allegations about deceased painter John Wayne Gacy that cast a pall over his creative legacy.

Just Shit My Pants. Please Send Cute Animal Pics

Posted on by Justin Cox

Oh boy. I just shit my pants. Yup. On an evening walk across the Del Taco parking lot, I shit my pants. As I type this, I’m maintaining a tight crouch just a few yards short of my Toyota Echo. A Dr. Pepper in one hand and an iPhone in the other. Pants chock-full o’ poo.

What I urgently need from you, my loyal followers, in this precarious moment is a steady flow of cute animal pics. Please. I just shit my pants.

My colon can only handle so much in a situation of such urgency and heft. If I don’t get a couple-thousand cute animal pics from strangers in the next hour (and some retweets from the folks who really care), then what’s left of this Epic Loaded Queso Burrito™ just might find its way down my pant leg in short order.

Please send cute animal pics. I’m not asking for much here.

When I got laid off in the last recession, you delivered. When nana Trudy lost her battle with cancer, more cute animal pics. When Hillary was defeated by Russian bots and memes in 2016, we all came together and let the fur-babies fly.

So as I half-squat over the asphalt of this Del Taco parking lot, I have a simple request: For the love of Goddess, please send cute animal pics. The poo is most certainly sliding down my leg.

I’ll take whatever you’ve got! Hypoallergenic Labradoodles. Rescued pit bulls. Mischievous ferrets. Tabbies. Calicos. Cheshires. Persians. You’ve got pics, I wanna see ’em! I can feel the poo on my leg drying up and somehow that’s even worse.

Even if your pet isn’t that cute, I’ll take it. Its presence on my feed will juice up the algorithm and put this cry for help in front of more eyeballs, which will in turn deliver me more cute animal pics. Which, as I’ve already covered, is precisely what I need to get through this difficult time in my life.

In summation: I just shit my pants. Please send cute animal pics.

40-Something-Year Old Man’s Entire Identity Based on Two-Year Span from His 20s

Posted on by Jeff Cardello

PHOENIX — 40-something-year-old Jason Deluca has reportedly based his entire personality and lifestyle around a two-year period of his 20s in which he was deeply immersed in punk culture.

“At 22 I drank a lot of PBR, went to shows, and slept on a futon I found in an alley behind that meat packing plant. I had no purpose and just lived in the moment — I didn’t have a worry in the world,” said Deluca. “I’m still that same carefree kid, with the exception of being $15,000 dollars in debt, having high cholesterol, and I now sleep on a futon I bought from Ikea.”

“My parents said I’d grow out of it, but here I am, still as punk as ever… and they can’t do anything about it,” said Deluca. “In fact, they’re both dead. What total sellouts. Take that, you bunch of mindless office drones,” he added.

While all of his friends moved on to having careers, families, and home ownership, Deluca has little to show for the last 20 or so years of his life, according to those close to him.

“Yeah… my emo phase was fun, and I still sing that Lit song when it comes on the radio, but there’s other things in life, man. Jay just hasn’t really tried to move on, I guess,” Deluca’s sister Jamie Cruz said. “He keeps saying he lives the life of a ‘free man,’ but I think the only thing he’s really free of is like, having health insurance, savings, or any sense of stability.”

Dr. Harold Rivas, Director of the American Punk and Hardcore Geriatric Institute, said that Deluca’s case isn’t unique, with many middleaged adults never progressing past their 20s.

“This is not a condition that’s just going to resolve itself,” Dr. Rivas explained. “As medical professionals, concerned family members, and friends, all we can do is provide our support and care, as well as to pretend to listen when they want us to check out demo tapes they made from bands they were in decades ago.”

Deluca was seen this morning outside of a Walgreens, panhandling to buy padded insoles for his Doc Martens.

Miniboss Laying It on a Little Thick With Pre-Battle Speech

Posted on by Andy Holt

REALM OF DISDAIN — Shortly before losing a recent battle with an adventurer, local mid-level demon Ulgruuf the Unyielding reportedly got a bit carried away with his speech.

“The guy takes pride in his work, and I can understand that, but at what point does perspective come into play?” said avenging hero PuphPazz42O after the 17-second battle in which Ulgruuf hardly made contact. “The dude was all, like, ‘I shall hang your bones on my wall as decoration,’ meanwhile I’m pretty sure he’s only here to help me get the hang of my Slow Time spell.”

The speech in question lasted roughly two minutes, during which Ulgruuf paced his chambers while calling lesser demons to project images of death and destruction on the ceiling. At one point, he vowed to defeat God himself and become ruler of all creation.

“I’m pretty sure the whole spiel was skippable, but I didn’t want to be rude. You can tell a lot of work went into a production like that. If I don’t stop to admire it, what’s the point of plunging into the depths of Hell, anyway?” added PuphPazz42O in a later interview, shortly before defeating the embodiment of all evil in the known universe. “Plus, I needed a second to think about some changes to my build.”

Longtime colleagues of Ulgruuf claimed the speech was what they’d come to expect from him.

“Yeah, that guy never shuts up,” said a henchman for Lucifer Prime, the final boss. “I have more health than he does, and I haven’t said a single word to a challenger in a hundred million years. My name is literally Demon Brute. This is why I keep telling the fellas that we need to unionize.”

At press time, Ulgruuf had resurrected and was refusing to cut down the speech for the next encounter, insisting it was already a “tight two.”

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Cockroaches Thank Homeowner for New Luxury High-Rise

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — One day after setting up her new Xbox Series X, local homeowner Maya Cruz received a letter from all of the cockroaches in her house, who thanked her for building them a new luxury high-rise.

“Things were gettin’ real cramped in that old motel,” the letter reads, seemingly referring to Cruz’s PlayStation 4. “We’ve been breeding in that place for years and there was just no space left, but this new place is like a friggin’ skyscraper! It’ll be a perfect place for our hundreds of kids to grow up and have their own hundreds of kids.”

The cockroaches complimented the Series X on its wealth of amenities, including its dark, spacious interior and tall front door. They were also impressed with the console’s perforated sunroof, which gives them an easier way to crawl in and out of the building.

“It’s about time this neighborhood got some nice real estate!” said one cockroach, cozying up inside of the console’s storage expansion slot. “The mayor of this joint has really let things go to hell over the years. Our old place was dusty as all hell, and the noise—the noise! You’d think they’d eventually send a maintenance guy to fix the damn fans, but no. How does someone live like this?”

While the roaches are ecstatic about their new living situation, Cruz is less than enthused. She says the console is already having trouble turning on, as countless roach corpses fried by the system’s power supply pile up inside of it.

“If you freeloaders are going to live here, you’re gonna start paying rent!” Cruz was heard screaming at the console. “I paid $500 for this Xbox, so if you don’t start paying to live in my property, I’m going to throw you back out in the kitchen where you belong!”

In an attempt to displace some of the roaches out of her Series X, Cruz bought a PlayStation 5. However, the bugs were not impressed by the “art deco eyesore,” saying that even they had some standards.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Guy Pretty Confident He Can Carry King-Size Mattress to 4th Floor Walk-Up

Posted on by John Danek

NEW YORK — Overly-confident 24-year-old Matt Baxter convinced himself today that he could hoist a new, king-sized mattress to his 4th floor walk-up apartment all by himself, amused neighbors reported.

“It’s a mattress, which is practically a pillow, so I don’t think I need to call for any extra help,” said Baxter, who has reportedly never asked for help for anything in his life. “I don’t want to owe any favors, and I feel weird about tipping delivery guys, so I just had them open the back of the truck and I dragged it out. Shouldn’t be any trouble getting it up to my room as long as I carry it on the end so I can make it around the corners easier.”

Nina Alvillar, Baxter’s girlfriend, explained that he has always had a stubborn, unrealistic view of his own abilities.

“This is pretty typical for Matt. I think I’ve heard him say ‘I can just do it myself’ more than I’ve heard him say ‘I love you,’” explained Alvillar, whose threats of paying for a spa day result in constant foot massages from Baxter. “He once refused to go to a dentist to have his tooth pulled because he ‘owns pliers and can just watch a tutorial on YouTube.’ But if I’m being totally honest with myself? It’s actually kinda hot that he’s so self-sufficient… when it isn’t moronic or dangerous.”

Psychologists have been researching for years why so many American men develop a stubborn, skewed sense of their own abilities.

“This type of behavior is typical of the American male — it often starts as children when they force themselves to bring in all the groceries in one trip,” explained Dr. Laura Zobar, head of research at Pepperdine’s Graduate School of Education and Psychology. “This warped sense of ability then blossoms into unrealistic DIY home projects, risky trick attempts when enjoying outdoor activities like snowboarding or skateboarding, and a total refusal to seek therapy in any context, whether mental or physical.”

At press time, Baxter’s mattress was spotted near the top of the first staircase, covered in sweat. A note found near the mattress read, “I’m so sorry. I thought I could do it. I failed, and I must start a new life elsewhere. Don’t look for me.”

Photo by Matt Mixon.

Conservative Facebook Friend Not Gonna Waste Opportunity to Conflate Video of Cat Rescue with Rioting

Posted on by Krissy Howard

WHITEFISH, Mont. — Conservative woman and Facebook friend kept in an effort to “not live in some echo chamber” Megan Miller is stretching facts beyond comprehension today to conflate a cat rescue video with “deadly riots,” according to sources.

“I honestly don’t know how she does it. The video she shared was about some kitten with a nasty eye infection being fostered with some old dog who has acid reflux, and somehow that provided the platform for a two paragraph rant about how antifa started wildfires in Oregon,” said Facebook friend of the reborn Christian and part-time essential oils salesperson in question, Dana Atkins. “Then she wrapped things up with an MLK quote, which then led into something about Jesus and 9/11. If she weren’t a completely revolting person I’d be almost impressed.”

Additional online acquaintances and people who have known Miller personally over the last several years confirmed seeing similar posts.

“Well, I don’t see too much of her stuff… not because I’m not on Facebook constantly, but because most of what she shares is hidden with those ‘this content isn’t available right now’ things and ‘partially false information’ flags,” said former coworker and morbidly curious man Rishi Singh. “The ones that I do see almost make sense: like, they start about being about unity and looking out for your neighbors, but then just totally nosedive into something about ‘government handouts.’ I feel gaslighted and disgusted by her status updates, and yet I can’t look away.”

While some can’t understand Miller’s online presence, others appreciate hearing the “truth” from someone who isn’t afraid to “tell it like it is.”

“Her posts really make me think. Mostly about what I already kind of believe, which is pretty ideal,” said local bank teller Felicia Camp. “As someone who wants nothing more than to have this country go back to more serene and idyllic times, I truly appreciate when I get the opportunity to associate anything that restores my faith in God with intense fear and anxiety. Bless her.”

At press time, Miller’s most recently shared meme was inducted into its 25th group chat, dedicated to quietly talking shit without having to confront her.

I Don’t Make the Rules, I’m Just a Prick That Gets off on Enforcing Them

Posted on by Dan Luberto

Now look, I’m just here to remind you that I don’t make the rules, I’m just an irritating prick that really gets off on enforcing them.

So don’t get mad at me, it’s not up to me. Don’t blame me next time I come down on one of you mother fuckers, I don’t make the rules but I sure as hell will make sure you follow each and every one of them.

What the law says is out of my hands. I’m just the guy blindly enforcing it while fully erect.

Look, I didn’t decide that you shouldn’t wear hats inside, but if I see you wearing one you bet you’re gonna hear about it from me.

I also didn’t make these here speed limits, hell I sure as FUCK don’t obey them myself, but you know your getting pulled over for going two miles over, even when there’s no one on the road and I’ll slap a broken taillight and obstruction of view for your air freshener because that’s why I’m here.

Just doing my job folks, if you have a problem take it up with city hall, we can go to court, you can write a letter or an email. As for me, I’ll be keeping an eye out.

Look, I didn’t write the unwritten rule that you can’t have dairy with seafood but I’m happy to make a condescending comment to you for ordering lobster mac. Culinary etiquette, guy code, the rules to monopoly, whatever. Any time there are rules in play it is my self-appointed duty to enforce them to the detriment of people’s enjoyment and masturbate to that later. That’s just how it works.

Don’t get mad at me, don’t blame me the next time I write you a ticket for loitering or curfew or the next time I come down hard on some very grey-area bullshit then blame the rules.

The law is the law. You know as well as I do that munchkin was on the ground for six seconds. That’s one second over the legal limit. If you touch so much as one crumb of it to your lips I will shoot you in the knee cap so help me God.

I’m serious. Give me a fucking reason.