Oh boy. I just shit my pants. Yup. On an evening walk across the Del Taco parking lot, I shit my pants. As I type this, I’m maintaining a tight crouch just a few yards short of my Toyota Echo. A Dr. Pepper in one hand and an iPhone in the other. Pants chock-full o’ poo.
What I urgently need from you, my loyal followers, in this precarious moment is a steady flow of cute animal pics. Please. I just shit my pants.
My colon can only handle so much in a situation of such urgency and heft. If I don’t get a couple-thousand cute animal pics from strangers in the next hour (and some retweets from the folks who really care), then what’s left of this Epic Loaded Queso Burrito™ just might find its way down my pant leg in short order.
Please send cute animal pics. I’m not asking for much here.
When I got laid off in the last recession, you delivered. When nana Trudy lost her battle with cancer, more cute animal pics. When Hillary was defeated by Russian bots and memes in 2016, we all came together and let the fur-babies fly.
So as I half-squat over the asphalt of this Del Taco parking lot, I have a simple request: For the love of Goddess, please send cute animal pics. The poo is most certainly sliding down my leg.
I’ll take whatever you’ve got! Hypoallergenic Labradoodles. Rescued pit bulls. Mischievous ferrets. Tabbies. Calicos. Cheshires. Persians. You’ve got pics, I wanna see ’em! I can feel the poo on my leg drying up and somehow that’s even worse.
Even if your pet isn’t that cute, I’ll take it. Its presence on my feed will juice up the algorithm and put this cry for help in front of more eyeballs, which will in turn deliver me more cute animal pics. Which, as I’ve already covered, is precisely what I need to get through this difficult time in my life.
In summation: I just shit my pants. Please send cute animal pics.