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If You Don’t Know These Five ‘90s Cartoons, I’m Going to Fucking Kill You

What up ‘90s kids! Remember waking up early on Saturday morning to watch cartoons while plowing through an entire box of Cookie Crisp? Do you? Do you remember? I pray to God that you do because otherwise I will be forced to unleash a most unholy vengeance upon you. Cowabunga, dude!

1. “Bobby’s World”
If you don’t know this delightful cartoon about little Bobby Generic and his overactive imagination, I’m going to sneak into your home and put anthrax in your toothpaste. Are you mental? It was created and voiced by ‘90s icon Howie Mandel! And I swear, if you don’t know Howie Mandel I will click “Add to Cart” on this flamethrower.

2. “Captain Planet and the Planeteers”
“Captain Planet” was a totally kick-ass cartoon about a superhero with mint chocolate chip ice cream-colored skin who hated pollution. I’m kind of pissed that it tricked me into recycling, but you can’t tell me you didn’t love it at the time. Seriously, you can’t tell me that. My parole officer sent out a letter to everyone within a 5 mile radius instructing them not to tell me that.

3. “Recess”
I don’t even need to make any threats. If you haven’t seen every episode of “Recess,” God will kill you for me. And yes, that includes the seasons that aired on UPN. What, you think God didn’t get UPN, bitch?

4. “Pinky and the Brain”
If you can’t recite the entire “Pinky and the Brain” theme from memory, you will soon have a chance encounter with an old classmate from elementary school. He looks different than you remember, but it’s been years and people change, right? He invites you out for a beer. You accept. Slowly, he ingratiates himself into your life. He becomes your most trusted friend. One day, he suddenly looks you in the eye and says, “They’re Pinky and the Brain/Yes, Pinky and the Brain/One is a genius, the other’s other insane.” He pulls out a katana and beheads you. Guess what? It was me all along. Long con, baby.

 

5. “Rugrats”
Please tell me that you know “Rugrats.” Seriously, I’m right outside your house. Just come out and tell me you know “Rugrats” and everything will be totally fine. Don’t be scared, I brought enough Capri Sun for both of us!

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