LOS ANGELES — Metallica’s live concert and online merch booth is now the world’s 32nd largest economy by GDP following another year of unprecedented growth, according to the World Bank’s much-anticipated World Economy Rankings released today.
Metallica’s merch booth edged out Singapore, but was unable to eclipse Egypt due to a slow fourth quarter.
“This is big news for us,” said Metallica merch guy Sam “Sarge” Gunderson. “Sales were huge in Q2, and vertical integration moves and cotton acquisitions in India and Pakistan led us to have a really fuckin’ huge year. Also, charging $35 for a T-shirt helps with the bottom line.”
The success of Metallica’s merch booth has come at a high price for other, “third-world” metal merch booths who claim a much smaller market share.
“Metallica says their shit is all grassroots and due to organic growth. That’s a fuckin’ sham, man,” said Jimmy Spitz, merch guy and CEO of the Scrotal Destruction merch booth, the world’s 3 millionth largest economy. “They prop up tyrannical merch guys at other bands’ merch booths to sow discord and insurrection, then swoop in and take all the booth’s natural resources.”
“They claim we’re all ripping off their intellectual property, then threaten to sue,” he added, holding a handful of CDs and patches. “And that’s when they go in for the kill.”
- Metallica Sues 8th Grader Over Hand-Drawn Logo on Notebook
- Man Outraged Merch Guy Won’t Accept Cryptocurrency He Invented
- Metallica Adopts Hologram Technology to Replace Perfectly Healthy Lars Ulrich
While the cost of maintaining several hundred simultaneous lawsuits against copyright infringement hindered what could have been an even more productive year, Metallica’s parent organization was confident its efforts would pay dividends in the long term.
“By protecting and shoring up our brand, we are ensuring the Metallica(™) family of products can continue to bring its fans the kind of merchandise they’ve expected from us for the past three decades, “said President and CEO Jord Lundgren, wearing a shredded jean vest during a press conference. “Whether it be shirts, coffee mugs, enamel pins, trucker hats, baseball tees, frisbees, beer coozies, or women’s underwear, the Metallica merch booth has options for everyone, regardless of age or music preference.”
UPDATE: In light of the positive report, Metallica’s merch booth announced additional plans to launch an integrated conglomerate, Damage Inc., by the end of the fiscal year.
Go pick up a brand new shirt from The Hard Times:
Article by Mark Turner @Marg_Turder.