Tim Cook Announces “We Decided to Make the iPhone Worse This Time”

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple CEO Tim Cook astonished Silicon Valley with a promise to disregard customers’ high expectations at this week’s iPhone press event.

“Every year we pride ourselves in releasing our best iPhone yet,” said Cook, who took on the mantle of CEO in 2011. “But this year we’re gonna get jazzy with it. We decided to make the iPhone worse this time.” The move surprised industry experts and sent the company stock into violent upward and downward shifts that have yet to settle.

“Today we are excited to introduce the iPhone Zero,” said the Alabama native. “Next year we’ll do a good one, this is something we had to get out of our systems.”

The new phone comes with hardware and software updates that will be immediately noticeable to longtime users. Said Senior VP of Hardware Engineering Dan Riccio, “We took all the cameras off. Who the fuck are you?”

“We removed the cameras to make room for the Sharp Part,” he explained. “It’s a new part on the back of the Zero that’ll really cut up your shit if you aren’t careful. So watch out.”

Riccio also detailed the iPhone Zero’s new always-ringing technology, blasting the classic iPhone default ringtone and vibrating in your pocket “whether you’re checking your email on the train to work, out for a jog, and getting in touch with your loved ones.”

Cook then returned to the stage with more updates: “Each year we unveil the fastest iPhone ever. The Zero just uses whatever processors we had lying around. It might be fast. It might be pretty slow. Whatever, you’ll learn to deal with it.”

“But this isn’t just old technology. New cutting-edge sensors allow Siri to know when you’re afraid, and rest assured she will absolutely use that information to manipulate you,” he continued.

Every Zero will be uniquely configured to get either very hot or very cold. The phone will come preloaded with both seasons of The Cosby Mysteries at no extra charge. Finally, the Zero introduces a new standard of charging cable, but in keeping with Apple’s environmentally-friendly packaging, it will not be included.

Cook concluded the controversial Apple Event by announcing changes to Apple’s flagship stores. Said Cook, “starting today we are replacing our famous Genius Bar with just a bunch of real dumbasses.”

The iPhone Zero will retail for $1199.

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Opinion: When They Go Low, We Go High and Do Absolutely Nothing To Stop Them

Posted on by Bobby Korec

As card-carrying Democrats, it’s important that we always take the moral high ground in response to our opposition’s reprehensible actions. We must not sink to their level. Ever. And if that means never holding them accountable whatsoever, then honestly, that’s fine with us.

For instance, when Republicans pull some slimeball move like pushing through a Supreme Court justice appointee 30 days before the presidential election despite hypocritically denying our party’s nominee during Obama’s term, it is absolutely critical we show restraint and grace. We cannot, under any circumstances, afford to put up any type of fight or dissension, lest we come off like them: amoral, conniving, effective.

You might also notice that conservatives pose wildly inaccurate straw man arguments about us and we have no choice but to let them. With our head held high, of course. We wouldn’t want to sink to their level by publicly defending our stance.

So when the Republican party makes false claims like that we want to abolish the suburbs, worship Satan in the classroom, and force mandatory abortions on already-born children who don’t stand up fast enough when the anthem plays, we tow the party line. We gracefully keep our mouths shut, smile without making eye contact, and say nothing to correct them or clarify our nuanced position. Remember to always show dignity and to always, always back down at the first sign of opposition.

The American people deserve a party who won’t back down from a performative gesture either, no matter how out of touch we look. So when wealthy Republicans and corporations pay no taxes, Democrat leaders simply must come together and tweet, “somebody should do something about this.” Wow. We are nearly as graceful as we are ineffective. We might even make a catchy hashtag.

I also apply this philosophy to my daily life. When someone blatantly cuts me in line, I ask them politely to go to the end of the line. When they ultimately spit in my face, I’m forced to go high, back down, and offer to reimburse them for any inconvenience I might have caused them. That’s elegance, baby.

Sure, there might be some drawbacks to this technique. For instance, it allows Republicans to control the narrative almost all the time. Is that so bad though? Fighting for what we believe in all the time is exhausting.

After all, public service can be scary with all these meanie politicians. But don’t give in to the urge to fight fire with fire. Instead, fight fire with the gentle breeze of just standing there, swaying.

We must win this war. And we are at war. The #warofpassiveaggression. Hey, there it is!

REPORT: Mr. Fucking Big Shot Over Here Showers Every Morning Before Work

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

ST. PAUL, Minn. — Local man and alleged “Dove Soap-loving jagoff” Dan Paulson thinks he’s “king shit of hygiene town” all because he wakes up early enough before work to shower each morning, slightly pungent sources confirmed.

“My friends were getting on my case because I work a regular office job and I’ve never wiped my ass with a beach towel I found in the woods — that’s when I accidentally let it slip that I shower every day,” said Paulson. “They started calling me ‘your highness’ and ‘Captain Shower’ and asking if I wash my plates before I reuse them, too. Apparently I’m considered a ‘lace curtain fuck’ because I never got athlete’s foot so bad it made a dermatologist vomit.”

Friend Tamantha Kramer explained how Paulson’s regular showers are just the latest example of him “big-timing.”

“Well, if it isn’t Mr. fucking Clean, here to grace us with his pleasant aromas and freshly scrubbed balls. La-dee-freaking-da,” said Kramer. “He thinks he’s so great just because he’s never been forcibly deloused. What’s he showering every day for, anyway? It’s like, you ain’t the queen of England, bro. And you know, technically, I shower every day too: assuming a ‘whore’s bath’ in the Dress Barn bathroom counts as a shower.”

However, Paulson’s coworker Ernest Webb stressed that despite showering before every shift, Paulson was far from sanitary.

“Woah, woah, woah — wait a minute. So Dan showering everyday makes him the pinnacle of cleanliness? And on top of that, his friends are making fun of him for it? What kind of Pigpen from ‘Peanuts’ bullshit is this?” said Webb. “Dan is far from ‘clean.’ I once caught him eating a can of corn with his bare hands and using the water cooler to wash off. And I realize he thinks being vegan means he’s incapable of producing body odor, but speaking as someone who works three cubicles away, the dude needs some goddamn Old Spice.”

Paulson has since been excommunicated from his friend group after admitting he knows what a Waterpik is, even though he doesn’t own one.

I’m a Very Intuitive Empath and I Can Literally Feel How Much I Annoy You

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

I have always been sensitive to the emotions of people around me. When a baby cries, I cry. When someone is hurt, I hurt. When a performer bombs on stage, I feel like I bombed on stage. And even right now, I am feeling your annoyance at the fact that I haven’t shut up about being an empath for the last half hour.

Every time you roll your eyes when I tell you that my empathy allows me to communicate with animals, I feel like I want to roll my eyes. That is how in tune I am to your energy. I get this weird electric buzzing feeling all over my skin and I kinda wanna punch myself in the face. Isn’t that exactly how you feel? Isn’t that weird?!

For hours after we have hung out, I get this overwhelming feeling that I never want to text, call, or meet up with myself ever again. I get this weird urge to tell myself to just get over myself, which is weird because I typically love myself. As you know. It always takes an hour of mindfulness meditation to cleanse myself of your energy. Have I told you about meditation? Oh, I have? Well let me explain again.

I am getting the vibe now that you think if I am such an intuitive person, how come I am not picking up on your rather obvious cues that I should shut up? Because I know more about you than you do about yourself. You are putting on this shell of frustration and displeasure because you are afraid of accepting my loving kindness.

That’s ok, I get it. Not everyone is as grounded as I am to handle my, for lack of a better word, super power. Do I wish I wasn’t born with this preternatural ability? Maybe. But I have come to understand that feeling others’ feelings is a blessing, not a curse and I can use this talent to help people and possibly change the world. Also it gives me something to talk about with other people all of the time, always.

I am sensing that you want to pick up the tab for this meal.

Liam Gallagher Finally Agrees to Meeting With Estranged Brother Following Positive COVID-19 Diagnosis

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

LONDON — Oasis founding member Liam Gallagher has tested positive for COVID-19, and is finally willing to reconcile with his brother Noel as long as it happens within the next 14 days, shocked sources confirmed.

“I think now is the time for us to bury the hatchet and move forward,” wheezed the younger Gallagher. “I just want to make sure that when we finally get together, it’s in a tiny room with no ventilation. I want to get there early so I can really get a feel for the space, and when Noel arrives, I’ll show him how much I care by kissing him right on his lips and breathing up his nose. I even have the tambourine he hit me with in Los Angeles — I want to give that to him as a peace offering after I’ve wiped as much mucus as I can around the edges.”

For his part, Noel is unmotivated to meet with his brother despite the non-stop texts, calls, and emails asking that they reconnect.

“That twat is probably just hard up for money and wants to beg me to play a reunion show,” said Noel from his home. “I heard Liam has had some health problems, and if I’m being perfectly honest, I wouldn’t mind seeing him again, as long as he’s in a pine box. The bugger won’t leave it alone, though — I have him blocked on Instagram, but he keeps making fake profiles and DMing me. It’s a real pain in me arse. If he keeps harassing my kids, I will find him and I will bring my cricket bat.”

Medical professionals around the globe admitted that it’s obviously dangerous for the brothers to reunite at the moment, but still hold out hope for a happy ending.

“They both need to stop being such pricks and think about their fans,” said epidemiologist Dr. Emily Winston. “Noel, quit being a little bitch; Liam, get healthy and then stop being a little bitch. I almost saw Oasis live in 1998 but the show was canceled when those two assholes fought backstage, and it was supposedly all because Noel’s jeans were a bit bluer than Liam’s and it sent them both into a rage.”

“I take it all back,” she added. “Maybe they should make up now and both die together.”

Despite some Oasis fans still holding out hope for a peaceful reunion, the consensus amongst fans of The Smiths is they hope Morrissey dies sooner than later.

GameStop Introduces Curbside Pestering

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

GRAPEVINE, Texas — As the COVID-19 pandemic continues with no signs of slowing down, GameStop has announced that its patented insufferable brand of customer service will now be offered to customers who do not wish to enter the physical space of a store. 

“Wow, they’ve obviously overhauled their curbside experience,” said Leanne Key, after picking up a game at the location she’s been frequenting for years. “Up until recently they’d been doing a standard outside pick up, which was fine. Honestly, just perfect. But now a guy just spent five minutes trying me to join various programs and pre-order different games and systems. He got in my passenger seat and started talking about Game Informer magazine. What the fuck?”

The curbside pestering has been added to the contactless pickup system they implemented like many other retailers at the onset of the coronavirus outbreak, in an effort to boost slowing sales. The company hopes that the resumed practice of badgering every last customer of theirs will help them battle online storefronts, which can offer none of the irritations of an in person GameStop experience. 

“It’s time to start getting back to normal,” said GameStop CEO George Sherman. “So that means while taking the proper precautions, of course, our sales associates can now once again completely overcomplicate the process of purchasing a video game. I know it’s a pain in the ass, but come on man, let us have this. They’re getting rid of discs, we have like a year tops before we’re a bunch of Cricket stores or vape shops, I don’t see what the harm is.”

GameStop employees have largely easily resumed many of their old working habits, much to the reported annoyance of customers nationwide.

“I’m sorry to hear I was bothering her,” said Otto O’Connell, the employee who assisted and pestered Ms. Key. “But I just figured since she was picking up Mario 3D All Stars she might also be interested in pre-ordering Super Mario 3D Land or maybe becoming a Pro Player Member and getting an extra fifteen percent on all future trade ins or maybe these cool Mario pajamas or a refurbished Nintendo Wii U, oh and right now if you buy three Funko Pops or Amiibos you can … I’m really sorry, what had you asked me?“

As of press time, Ms. Key had agreed to purchase a year’s subscription to Gamestop’s rewards program in exchange for O’Connell exiting her vehicle.

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$1 Mobile App Better Change Buyer’s Life Forever at That Price

Posted on by Jimmy Beliakoff

LOS ANGELES — Dave Gordon expressed skepticism at purchasing a $1 app on his phone unless it would bring lifelong, universal positive change to his existence.

“I just don’t see why I would fork over that fortune for anything that won’t single-handedly make my life better in every way for the rest of time,” Gordon was heard saying at a local artisan coffee joint between sips of an americano that cost roughly three times more than the app in question. “How can they even justify charging so much when there are free apps sitting right there on the next tab over? Does it look like I’m made of fucking money? It has to be some kind of bullshit scam if you ask me.”

Workers at the coffee shop claimed the behavior was typical for Gordon.

“Despite coming here and getting the same thing every day, Dave has never put so much as a small handful of pennies in the tip jar,” one barista at the coffee shop said. “It doesn’t surprise me that he’s not willing to spend one entire American dollar on an app without the promise of it giving him the secret of a long and fulfilling existence. He’s just not that kind of guy.”

When reached for comment, the lone developer of Running Guy Deluxe, the app in question, was baffled by Gordon’s expectations.

“It’s a game about a little guy that runs to the right for fuck sake,” said the app creator during a break from his day job. “I don’t know what he wants from me.“

Gordon was last seen checking an email update from Backpacks for Birds, a Kickstarter project he pledged $350 to earlier this year.

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Man Pretty Sure They Can’t Cancel Him if He Stays Completely Still

Posted on by John Merrifield

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Local 32-year-old Brendan Muller decided today that he will stand perfectly still whenever he is in the presence of others in hopes of avoiding being canceled.

“My anxiety is at an all time high, and I realized if I don’t do anything, I can’t be accused of anything,” said Muller through a series of blinks in order to remain completely still. “I’m taking a risk even doing this interview. What if they discover my jeans were made with child labor? Or what if all those teenage girls I messaged on Myspace come forward? It’s a scary world for men right now.”

Muller’s childhood friend, 30-year-old Daniel Champagne, noted that while standing still might not be perfect, it’s working for now.

“I remember him screaming at his laptop like a banshee, then throwing it against the wall after reading that some comedian he liked got outed for being a perv. Later that night, we were watching ‘Jurassic Park,’ and there was that part where somebody says the T-rex ‘can’t see them if they don’t move,’” Champagne recalled between sips of a dangerously large can of Monster Energy Drink. “I guess that really resonated with him, because he scheduled an appointment for the feeding tube the next morning. I’ve been refilling his feed bag each day in the meantime. We’re hoping this all blows over soon, and people go back to staying silent about shitty behavior.”

Dr. Christina Von Volkenberg, the gastronomist who installed the feeding tube, did attempt to talk Muller out of the procedure.

“I tried telling him that if you just treat all people with kindness and consideration, respect their boundaries, and don’t be a fucking creep, you don’t have to worry about getting called out for anything. But he was very insistent that this was the only surefire way to avoid getting any sort of backlash,” said Dr. Von Volkenberg. “Come to think of it, choosing to exist in a perpetually passive state during a time of civil unrest over systemic injustice is pretty problematic in and of itself. Oh, boy. Just wait until this article comes out.”

It is unknown just how long Muller plans to continue this life of self-inflicted paralysis, as it would have taken way too long to ask him.

Virgin Hopes Sex Isn’t How It’s Described in Cannibal Corpse Song

Posted on by Nick Ortolani

PLAINSVILLE, Iowa — Local virgin Andy Wardell grew concerned yesterday that his future sexual intercourse may resemble the acts described in any of the Cannibal Corpse songs he heard on an album his brother gave him last week.

“I’m not sure if I’m ready to make that kind of commitment,” admitted a visibly terrified Wardell. “I mean, I’m sure I’ll meet a nice girl one day, and things may get pretty serious… but is it really gonna feel like being fucked by a knife? Who’s the knife? I think it’s really not good if either of us are the knife. And what if I’m not, ya know, good at it? I don’t know if I’ll be able to make her achieve orgasm by disemboweling her and then feeding her innards to diseased rats. Maybe I just haven’t met that special someone yet — all my friends have already been with loads of sexual partners, who I assume all cum blood. Is that supposed to happen?”

However, members of Cannibal Corpse resented the denigration of their art.

“I’ve always considered our songs to be love songs,” remarked singer George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher. “They’re about joining the carnal with the spiritual: like Prince, but with serial killers. This whole debacle has really exposed how sex-negative some people can be. Culturally, I thought we’d moved past defining sex and love as being between one man and one woman — it can be between a man and a man, a woman and a woman, or a man and a woman and the parasitic necromorph baby clawing through her stomach.”

Experts in sexual health warn that death metal lyrics may not be the best source of information when it comes to sex education.

“I know death metal can be romantic. But it’s putting the cart before the horse,” said Dr. Ruth Willows, sex expert author of “The Death Growl in Your Loins.” “Going straight to Cannibal Corpse is like trying to master the ‘Kama Sutra’ before learning to not blow in each other’s mouths while kissing. If you’re not ready for a little mutual masturbation, you’re not ready for meat hook sodomy. Just keep the basics in mind: consent, open communication, and eye contact, even if those eyes are bulging out of a bare skull.”

At press time, former Cannibal Corpse frontman Chris Barnes was distancing himself from the remarks made by his band’s sloppy seconds.

Parents Announce Plan to Vote for Whoever Appears on TV Last

Posted on by Nick Ortolani

ATHENS, Ga. — A boomer-aged couple announced today their coordinated effort to vote in the upcoming presidential election for the candidate who appears on TV most recently, exasperated sources confirmed.

“Biden just seems like the right choice,” said Ann Buckley, her husband Irving nodding in agreement. “I feel like I’ve already spent so much time with him. Between the Obama years and his ads during ‘Family Feud,’ it’s like he’s already been in my home and sniffed my hair. A choice like this can’t be taken lightly: I need to make sure I vote for the name that seems most familiar to me when I shut the curtain of that voting booth.”

To court the elusive “parent vote,” the Biden campaign is maximizing their advertising impact by positioning commercials in blocks of advertising targeted towards typical parental interests.

“We call it the ‘Parent Sandwich,’” explained Biden’s communications director Kate Bedingfield. “We find what parents like, and we place our ads alongside their interests — for example, you might see one of our ads in between commercials for a blood pressure medication and Old Country Buffet. We also make sure we place positive Biden ads at the end of episodes, and at the start of the show, we put our Sanders attack ads that claim he will drastically reduce the number of times your child calls home every month.”

Some analysts, however, worry that a lack of information will lead to inconsistent support.

“I don’t think either of them know what [Biden] actually stands for,” lamented Mike Buckley, the couple’s son. “Mom just says he’s a ‘straight shooter,’ and Dad won’t stop talking about his ‘gumption.’ I don’t think Dad wants to vote for him so much as he wants to be his nephew. It probably won’t last.”

“They were all in for Trump like, two weeks ago,” agreed daughter Tania Buckley. “It seems like the best thing to do to keep our parents from fucking things up is to sabotage their cable connection, sign them up for Netflix, and put ‘Jeopardy’ on autoplay until the primaries are over.”

At press time, the Buckleys had pivoted their support to Ray Liotta after seeing him in a Chantix commercial.