Punk House Cat Turns Out to be Opossum

Posted on by Jason VanSlycke

SACRAMENTO — Local punk house staple and thought to be beloved cat GG Mewollin is actually an opossum, veterinary sources confirmed.

“GG is a fucking badass cat — she’d rather rummage through the trash than eat that bougie fancy cat food,” said Stephanie Bayat, GG’s main caretaker. “But I guess the fact that she’s a nocturnal marsupial makes more sense: she chews off all her collars, and likes hissing a lot. When GG had her babies, she wouldn’t let me near them and even made this DIY pouch-thing to keep them in. What a cool kitty.”

The discovery was made after GG and the nine babies clinging to her back were admitted for a spay appointment, where they were instantly identified by veterinary staff and every dog in the waiting room as opossums.

“This isn’t uncommon, especially with such bad lighting in punk houses,” said veterinary assistant Lynn Harjo. “A few times a month I have to tell some poor kids that they’ve been keeping things like opossums, raccoons, or even very large rats in the house. I find that calling it a ‘poser cat’ makes it easier for them to take the news. Oftentimes, they choose to keep the opossum, and all we can do is simply encourage them to not take it to protests or court dates.”

After arriving home from the vet, a house meeting was called to figure out how to opossum-proof their living quarters to help GG be more comfortable.

“We learned that opossums don’t like bright lights, which sucks because we have all the windows covered in foil. And they don’t like loud noises, which is cool because Stephanie sold her drum kit to pay off her parking tickets,” said roommate Kim McHale. “Apparently, they’re not supposed to drink alcohol, which is news to me — GG Meowlin loves whiskey, so we’ll meet in the middle and make sure she doesn’t drink anything stronger than a craft beer.”

At press time, GG Meowllin was chewing into a childproof container of weed while ignoring the brand new catnip toy next to her, like the badass she is.

Trump Criticized for Diverting Funding From Everybody Votes Channel to Check Mii Out

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

WASHINGTON D.C. — President Donald Trump is facing criticism from Democratic leaders after announcing plans to divert funding from the Nintendo Wii’s Everybody Votes channel to Check Mii Out just weeks before the election.

“Everybody Votes? Let me tell you, it’s a sham, believe me,” Trump told reporters outside the White House. “It doesn’t work and the people, they don’t even want it, okay? So I said, enough with the voting, let’s put the money into what the people want. And they tell me, what they want is to see more of my Miis. The people, they love my Miis, can’t get enough.”

According to White House aides, Trump considers the Everybody Votes channel “totally rigged” and intends to throw it out entirely. He hopes to permanently replace the voting app with Check Mii Out, which gives Wii owners the option to click a big “I like it!” button to show approval for his Mii.

“Look, the channel is a hot bed for voter fraud,” said Senator Lindsey Graham. “I’ve heard stories of people registering their deceased family members’ Miis so they can vote up to six times. We can’t ensure that critical decisions like “What’s the best condiment?” are decided fairly unless we take away people’s right to vote. That’s the cornerstone of democracy.”

Detractors criticized the funding move, calling it a vanity project for the President. Several house Democrats have grown concerned that it opens the door for Trump to enact more radical measures like resurrecting Miitomo.

“This President has once again shown a blatant disregard for Americans,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. “This is the same President who defunded the Wii Weather channel, because it showed the country was experiencing unusually warm temperatures. If he gets his way, he’ll come for the News channel next.”

Undeterred by criticism, Trump celebrated with his first public Mii Parade, featuring Trump’s avatar matching alongside a sea of Adolf Hitler Miis, which he claimed to know nothing about.

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Game About Inescapable Hellscape Really Resonating With People Right Now For Some Reason

Posted on by Mo Mozuch

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Developers at Supergiant Games reportedly cannot pinpoint why their hit game Hades, about a man attempting over and over again to escape the depths of the underworld, has resonated so hard with fans the last few months.

“For some reason our game about relentless, futile attempts to navigate through literal pits of despair is connecting with audiences,” Supergiant Creative Director Greg Kasavin said. “It’s quite a surprise to be honest. We thought this game would tank, not soar to immediate word of mouth must-buy status.”

Kasavin explained that, although the game features fantastic level design, innovative progression mechanics and a narrative that both honors and subverts tropes within Greek mythology, the team felt it would be too depressing to really catch on. Early in development they contemplated taking a more hopeful tone.

“We thought maybe it would be better to give people some save points or introduce happier levels that would be like a break. A few fig trees would’ve been nice,” said Kasavin. “I think we decided we had come too far in the process and couldn’t turn back. None of us really understand it. Why are audiences identifying with the concept of starting each day in a fresh hell populated by familiar faces who seem resigned to fate but stay honor-bound to their mission of making you exponentially more miserable?”

Compounding the studio’s confusion is the surge they saw in Nintendo Switch sales, a console designed to go anywhere and everywhere with ease. For Kasavin, the prospect of toiling against existential uselessness seemed best suited to PC.

“I mean, sitting in an unlit room bent over a PC is how we imagined the experience should be. We never figured people would carry a device from room to room glued to a tiny screen that delivers nothing but a constant stream of disappointment and brutality,” he said. “It’s hard to imagine people doing that to themselves in their free time.”

Kasavin closed the interview by reaffirming that he had no idea why Hades was one of the top selling games of September 2020, the hottest September in Earth’s recorded history.

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Nintendo Confirms Dry Bones is Uncircumcised for Some Reason

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

KYOTO, Japan — In a new interview with Famitsu, Nintendo President Shuntaro Furukawa inexplicably veered off topic to confirm that Mario villain Dry Bones is indeed uncircumcised.

“Before we discuss Hyrule Warriors, I’d like to say one thing,” Furukawa told the reporter. “You know Dry Bones, the delightful skeleton koopa from Super Mario Bros. that falls apart when you jump on him? His penis was not altered in any way at birth. The whole thing is still in one piece. I hope this clears up any confusion fans have had over the past three decades.”

Furukawa tried to turn the conversation back to Hyrule Warriors: Age of Calamity, but Famitsu reporter Matsuo Totoya pressed Furukawa further, seemingly baffled by the implication that Dry Bones has foreskin at all.

“Wait, wait, let’s back up,” a bewildered Totoya responded. “Mr. Furukawa, Dry Bones is a skeleton koopa, is he not? By his very nature, he has no skin at all. I would believe that a living koopa would still have their foreskin intact, but surely Dry Bones’ penis is just one big bone.”

The two went on to have a long discussion about the mechanics of koopa anatomy. At one point, Furukawa explained that doctors originally tried to circumcise Dry Bones when he was born, but his foreskin immediately reformed onto his body a few seconds after being removed.

“This is only partially true,” said Dry Bones creator Shigeru Miyamoto when asked for confirmation. “Dry Bones was first introduced in Super Mario Bros. 3, which we all know is actually a play. So it is more accurate to say that the actor portraying Dry Bones in that game is uncircumcised, you see? The Dry Bones in Mario Tennis Aces has been cut.”

When asked if the announcement is at all related to Nintendo’s previous comments that Waluigi is uncircumcised, Miyamoto declined to respond, noting that no one in the company gives a shit about Waluigi anymore and were all in on Dry Bones now.

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For Sale. 235 Reusable Grocery Bags. Never Used.

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

Every environmentally-minded millennial knows the pain of forgetting their reusable grocery bag. Unfortunately, it’s just too easy to buy a new one once you’re at the store. You think, “who gives a flying fudge, it’s five bucks! Plus, using these bags totally saves the rainforest and halts climate change.” But after forgetting your bags once a week for years, the impact on your wallet can really add up.

Sure, I could just leave my reusable bags in the back seat but I don’t want to junk up my Mazda. Besides, that’s where I keep the spare batteries I chuck out of my car every time I cross a bridge.

Since it’s become abundantly clear that I am incapable of remembering to ever bring a reusable bag when grocery shopping, I am now putting my entire, near-mint collection up for sale. Seeing as how the bags cost me 5 bucks a pop, I’m thinking I could part with these bad boys for no less than $2,000. And yes, you must buy all of the bags. They are a complete set and they will not be broken up.

I tried to save the environment when I originally purchased these, therefore I am a very good person. Sure, technically a reusable bag requires more material and energy to create than paper. They actually have a bigger environmental impact, especially when you take into account having to buy a new one every single trip to Whole Foods.

The point is, one of you lucky ducks can be the proud owner of a fresh collection of reusable bags all for the low, low price of two grand. I’m not saying you’ll kill mother nature if you don’t buy these bags, but why risk it? Decrease your canvas footprint today.

Impassioned Facebook Departure Announcement Seen by Dozens of People Who Cannot Recall How in the Fuck They Know This Person

Posted on by Krissy Howard

SHERIDAN, Wyo. — A heartfelt and impassioned announcement from Facebook user Glenn Davies today left dozens scratching their heads wondering how in the fuck they ever connected with that guy, disaffected sources report.

“The close friendships I’ve developed and maintained on my social media platforms mean a lot to me, and as much as I would love to stay connected and keep everyone up to date on my life, I need to do what’s best for me and take a step back,” said Davies, who the majority of people scrolling through cannot recall ever meeting. “It’s an abrupt departure, and I owe it to everyone to send myself off properly… which can only be done with a 250-word, multi-paragraph goodbye in which I only talk about myself and my dog, who is a rescue.”

Those exposed to the announcement were largely unamused and at least as disengaged as they had been for the duration of their entire online relationship.

“I feel like I probably worked with him at some point within the last 16 years, or maybe I dated one of his roommates when I lived in Seattle… or maybe I used to see him at a poetry open mic? I have no fucking clue. I actually already forgot his name, which I read for the first time yesterday,” said Rose Tilley-Kranz, who read exactly two words of the intimate post. “He actually slipped so far under the radar that I hadn’t even unfollowed him over the years. Hope whatever he was talking about works out, I guess.”

Despite the general disinterest in the gratuitous goodbye, some took the news rather hard.

“I have absolutely no idea who Glenn is, but fortunately, thank God, I was able to take a look at his profile before he deletes it, and I really regret not doing so sooner,” said Facebook user and generally lonely person Daryl Calderon. “I just wish he gave all of us a real shot, and it didn’t end before we really got a chance to see if it could have been a real Facebook friendship. At least, not like this.”

Davies was last seen drafting an even longer statement, explaining to his devoted followers why he’s decided to stay on Facebook after all.

Opinion: I’m Whichever Gender Gets Me the Most Poon Tang

Posted on by Freelancer

It’s not my job to educate you. It’s your job to stop being ignorant. I understand that it’s easier for you to divide everyone you meet into two categories and call it a day but not everyone conforms to your narrow-ass view. I didn’t tell you my preferred pronouns so don’t call me a man and don’t call me a woman, either. Don’t get me wrong, I am absolutely a cis, hetero man and I will punch anyone who says otherwise. But I will say I am whichever gender lands me the most high-grade, sopping-wet trim.

I’ll say it again. It is not my job to educate you. It’s my job to always be absolutely be crushing it, vag-wise.

I’m sorry but the world doesn’t fit into concepts as absolute as black and white, and people definitely don’t all fit into just “male” or “female.” There’s like nine genders, dude. Or maybe twelve, I forget. Which one am I? I’m the one that’s absolutely slick with it, 24/7.

You’re calling me “man” because it makes you comfortable. You look at me and that’s what you see. But is that how I see myself? Maybe. But is that how the hot chick with the fishnets over there needs to see me in order to want to bang me? Who knows? So shut the fuck up, bro!

I’m sorry I don’t fit into your binary system of categorizing your fellow human beings! Do you want everyone to wear name tags for you, or something?! If that person there wore a sticker that read “Hello, I am a man” and that one there read “Hello, I am a woman” and mine read “Hello, I am up to my neck in wet hot poonany,” that would help you out a lot, huh? Well, get over yourself.

Look, it’s simple. If a girl I like says she’s not a girl but is another thing instead, I’m that thing too. And no, it doesn’t have to be the exact same other thing every time! It’s not lying. It’s called being fluid, bro. I mean, not like “gender-” fluid unless, of course, that’s the thing the most babes are into. In which case, yes, that. So, what exactly is so confusing to you?

Privileged Rude Boy Has Never Had To Knock On Wood

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

DALLAS — Local Rude Boy Rodney Willet acknowledged his privilege to the world yesterday by confessing that in his years on Earth, he’s never once had to knock on wood and he’s glad he hasn’t yet.

“I’ve never really been close to tragedy, and I’m rarely ever close to those who have. I’ve certainly known a few people who have had to knock on wood, but they weren’t really in my inner circle. So everything about them I heard second hand,” said Willet from his University Park home painted in a checkerboard pattern. “I know there are some people who think I’m a coward, but I’ve simply never been tested. If such a test were to happen, I’d like to think I would pass, but honestly I’m afraid of what I might find out.”

Willet’s few non-ska friends are generally confused why his obsession with knocking on wood was such a big deal to begin with.

“I guess Rodney has led a pretty blessed life when I think back. He’s never really had the odds stacked up against him… probably because his dad is a cop, and his mom is a district attorney, so he basically has a few get out of jail free cards,” said longtime friend Cassandra O’Malley. “I haven’t been so lucky in my life. I’m constantly knocking on wood and let down because it doesn’t do shit. The world doesn’t give you a pass just because you punched some maple.”

Betty Summers, author of the book “Rude Privilege: Born Already Picking It Up,” has tried to educate people about this advantage.

“My mother was born of ska, and my father was born of crust punk — I grew up in both backgrounds while the kids would tease me, calling me names like ‘Crack Rock Steady Betty.’ Seeing both sides, I can assure you there’s a reason only ska fans are seen wearing those nice suits and pork pie hats,” said Summers. “I lead seminars teaching rude boys what it’s like to knock on wood for a better understanding of what most people are going through on a day to day basis.”

In a testament to her success, after taking the seminar, Willet was seen telling his friends to stop messing around, think of their futures, and straighten right out.

Swarm of Locusts Land on Trump’s Head For Two Whole Minutes During Debate

Posted on by Bobby Korec

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — A belligerent swarm of locusts unexpectedly stormed the presidential debate stage on Thursday landing directly on Donald Trump’s head and remaining there unnoticed by the commander-in-chief for a whole two minutes, witnesses reported.

“We actually had ‘swarm of locusts’ listed in our presidential debate drinking game, so we were well-prepared when it happened,” said Jessica Ladroferd watching with her roommates. “However, we didn’t account for them staying on his head for 120 seconds, and the rules clearly stated that we had to keep pounding drinks until they flew away. Long story short, we’re absolutely hammered right now. Also, can you believe Trump rudely interrupted the moderator when she tried to tell him something possibly diabolical was in his hair? Actually, wait. I can believe it.”

Others were not so nonchalant about the strange occurrence.

“This has major biblical implications written all over it,” said local pastor John Scountrel. “Biblically speaking, locusts are a sign from God that civilization deserves a plague and famine, and maybe in modern day that translates to something like COVID-19 and rampant home evictions under this administration. But as an evangelical Christian who just happens to be conservative, I take this as a sign that Donald Trump is the chosen one. After all, God works in mysterious ways that somehow always reinforces my beliefs.”

Experts were quick to find a scientific reason for the bizarre incident.

“Generally, locusts get pretty psyched about crops and vegetation and simply can’t help themselves,” said entomologist Mary Trevasy. “So this swarm going after Trump’s head actually makes total sense considering his hair follicles share a striking resemblance to the dead bristles on a husk of corn or a field of decaying barley and wheat crops. The swarm just mistook his hair for something edible. Kind of like during the VP debate when that fly misread Mike Pence’s head for rotting flesh. Nature isn’t perfect.”

After the debate, Trump implied that he knew the locusts were on his head the whole time and promised to provide federal funding to any farmers who might’ve lost autumn harvests as a result, but only if he was reelected and they said nice things about him.

We’re Done With Waluigi. From Now On, We’re All In on Dry Bones

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

We here at Hard Drive, but also we as a culture, have spent a lot of time focusing on Nintendo’s scraggly purple stick man, Waluigi. Waluigi is fun. He’s a twist on a twist on Mario, the most iconic video game character of all time. Waluigi represents a wicked sense of humor, frustration at not being included in the cool Bros club, and loving tennis. He’s also purple, which as we all know, is the color of royalty.

But all things must resolve, and as the world continues to change, so must our video game culture; Waluigi’s time in the spotlight must come to an end.

From now on, Hard Drive will be 100% all in on Dry Bones. We’re balls-to-the-walls Dry Bones. We’re a Dry Bones stan website.

Dry Bones looks deep into our souls with his beady little yellow eyes. What’s inside of this skeleton boy? A big heart, that’s for sure.

What is Dry Bones? Relegated to just one line of information on the Wikipedia page for “Characters In The Mario Franchise” under “Recurring enemies,” Dry Bones is a skeleton Koopa Troopa that reassembles itself after being hit. But he’s also much more than that.

Dry Bones is a tennis player. He’s a go-kart racer. He’s a friend.

If there’s one thing we know about Dry Bones, it’s that he loves to hang. Canonically, Dry Bones just goes wild for hanging with his boys. He may be dead (?), but he keeps his buds’ spirits alive.

We all know Dry Bones for his coy, sharp wit, but he also has a softer side. Here is a short list of things that we like about Dry Bones:

  • He is a spooky skeleton man year-round. Halloween doesn’t end for Dry Bones.
  • He is a non-speaking Bowser minion who got elevated to tennis and go-kart friend level. Big moves!
  • Sometimes he has wings, like an adorable angel of death.
  • He’s the kind of mild-mannered skeleton who still feels the need to wear shoes and gloves.
  • He reminds us that, when you get knocked down, all you have to do is reassemble yourself and get back up again. He is the living embodiment of the song “Tubthumping”.
  • He implies that bones are wet, which, for the most part, they are.
  • His name kind of sounds like a different version of the term “dry hump.”

At the end of the day, Dry Bones represents a world of possibility for our culture. Waluigi’s reign has been good for us all, but if we want other characters to be able to expand their skeleton bodies of work, we need to make the space for them to do so. We need to be proactive about our efforts to give them that room. And sometimes, we have to say goodbye to our good friends for a while.

So goodbye, Waluigi. We’ll meet again one day, I’m sure. But just as 2013 was The Year of Luigi, November 2020 and beyond begins the Era of Dry Bones. Long live Dry Bones. If Dry Bones isn’t added to Smash Bros this DLC pack, I’ll kill myself, etc.

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