We Taught This Chimpanzee to Understand the American Political System and He Hanged Himself

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

For generations, scientists have attempted to assess the intelligence of chimpanzees. We have discovered they are able to use tools, communicate via sign language, and observe a strong sense of community. With that in mind, we set out to see if we could make a chimpanzee understand the complexities of American politics. We found one particularly intelligent Chimp named Hugo and got to work.

Through simple positive reinforcement techniques, we introduced Hugo to the concept of democracy to which he became quickly attached. It was around when we tried to explain the Electoral College that Hugo became upset. “Why?” He could keep signing to use. “No sense. Unfair.” He would keep repeating.

We took a lunch break after we introduced the concept of Super PACs only to return to find that Hugo had hanged himself by the rope of his tire swing. With his own feces, he wrote “Money reigns” on the wall of his pen. Perhaps teaching him to read “A People’s History of the United States” was a bad idea.

We could tell he was getting dejected when we explained the concept of gerrymandering and disenfranchising minority voters but we didn’t think he would take it that badly. Also, forcing him to watch the Trump/Biden debate could have been construed as cruel and unusual. After that Hugo became depressed and just wanted to watch “Golden Girls” reruns.

While we did lose the subject, we are marking this experiment a resounding success because Hugo clearly understood the flaws within a two-party system. He even cried when we explained how the Republicans stole a Supreme Court seat with Brett Kavanaugh. We didn’t even know chimpanzees could cry! So, this is really a double win. For us. Not for Hugo.

I think we will have better luck with the mice we are training to understand the prison industrial complex.

Breaking! Chamillionaire Only Paid Chahundred Dollars in Taxes Last Year

Posted on by Rob Walker

HOUSTON — Rap artist and entrepreneur Chamillionaire, known for his hit single “Ridin’,” only paid a chahundred dollars in taxes last year, according to confusing financial documents leaked last Monday.

“Is there fancy accounting going on with Chamillionaire’s finances? Only the fanciest, baby,” said a member of the rapper’s entourage under the condition of anonymity. “Listen, regular folks got to pay taxes with U.S. dollars, but when you’re in the upper echelons of society, you can afford to technically lose money on paper while running several businesses and a rap career. But, listen: Chamillionaire is as good as his word, and each chahundred dollar bill is a promise. I mean, look at these things. This shit is embossed! Is U.S. cash embossed?”

Financial advisor Barry “Bird Dog” Brighton has offered Chamillionaire fiduciary council for over a decade.

“Cristal champagne, rims, fur… these may be luxuries to you, but in the rap game, they’re just office supplies. You can write that shit off,” said Brighton while pouring champagne down the ass of a medical student working at a Houston gentlemen’s club. “I mean, if you want to be taken seriously, you have to play the part. How would you feel if your doctor showed up to surgery in a fur coat? That’s why he wears the scrubs, and Chamillionaire wears the fur.”

H&R Block accountant Gina Ramirez explained in layman’s terms how a successful rapper could pay so little in taxes.

“I’m sorry. What is a chahundred dollar bill? Is it crypto? If it’s like Bitcoin, we would ask that it be claimed on taxes and be exchanged for U.S. currency,” said Ramirez, glancing over the rapper’s financial documents. “But this makes me think that he just made it all up. If that’s true, these things may as well be coupons for free hugs. Who has he been paying with these?”

Chamillionaire is currently under audit by the IRS, and must supply financial records relating to several chaoffshore chabank accounts.

Photo by Brian Solis

Jeb Bush Picks Horrible Night to Start Twitch Channel

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Famously unremarkable politician and former presidential nominee Jeb Bush began his new Twitch stream tonight in an unprecedented failure, debuting the same evening as Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s record breaking stream of the hit game Among Us, which featured fellow politicians and streaming celebrities.

“Well this isn’t going at all how I’d planned,” said Bush, several minutes into his own abysmal game of Among Us with various Republican politicians. “Let’s just play the game, Jeb. It’s fun. It’s video games. I guess uh… Scott Walker is pretty sus. I didn’t… I didn’t see him do the, uh… garbage… shit, this is really, really sad. Even for me, this sucks.”

“Please sub,” Bush said to conclude his stream, which had dwindled to three viewers.

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Writer Struck With Inspiration Furiously Writes Down ‘Superman But Evil’

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

ATLANTA — Writer James Mann was reportedly scribbling down ideas in a moleskine notebook after being suddenly struck with the idea of “Superman if he was evil.”

“I mean holy shit, what a eureka moment. I have been having some writer’s block lately, truth be told. But then I was thinking… we all know Superman… but he’s good. What if he was evil? That’s when the fun began,” explained Mann, going through the process behind his new concept. “I mean can you even imagine what that would be like? The possibilities are legitimately endless. What would an evil Superman say about society? What does it say about humanity? What does it say about the notion of power? No one has ever considered these questions.”

“The hardest part so far has been deciding what my version of Superman should be named,” Mann said. “I’ve had the Thesaurus entry open for the word ‘super’ all morning. Powerman, Ultraman, Dazzleman… I’ll figure it out.”

Despite Mann’s project not having launched yet, it has already developed a growing fanbase.

“Superman But Evil is my favorite comic book. Or movie or TV show or whatever it ends up being,” said r/EvilSupes moderator u/herohater83. “I just know that when I think of Superman, I want him to be a badass villain. Lasering people in the face just cuz he thinks they’re dumb. That would RULE. You know how they say the S on his chest stands for ‘hope?’ What if it stands for ‘fuck?’”

Unfortunately, as of press time, work on Superman But Evil had paused after Mann came across information about The Boys, Watchmen, Superman: Red Son, The Dark Knight Returns, Injustice, Justice League: A Better World, Brightburn, Invincible, and various drawings on DeviantArt.

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Claudia Conway Reveals Her Mom Pretended to Have COVID to Play Crash Bandicoot 4

Posted on by Mo Mozuch

WASHINGTON — TikTok sensation Claudia Conway released a series of bombshell videos today revealing that her mother and close Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway lied about her COVID diagnosis in order to stay home and play the newly released Crash Bandicoot 4.

“Guys it’s like not even funny at this point, she’s totally faking it,” Conway said in the video which has been liked 4.2 million times. “She locks herself in the basement with a carton of Parliaments and screams about Cortex Castle being cheap as fuck. If she has a respiratory disease, why does the house smell like an ashtray fucked a donkey?”

Claudia Conway explained that her mother’s fixation on Sony’s flagship character began in the ‘90s when Crash Bandicoot first released on PlayStation. Her mother was initially drawn to the commercials featuring a live-action Crash mascot using a megaphone to yell at Nintendo HQ.

“She loved the attacks on Nintendo because it’s a Japanese company and she hates Japan, totally missing the fact Sony is Japanese because whatever,” said Conway. “She acts like that Bandicoot is some kind of fucking American folk hero.”

Trump insiders acknowledge that Crash Bandicoot’s brash persona, bold eyebrows and deep orange hue likely inspired Conway as she crafted Trump’s political persona as he dominated the GOP primary and, later, the 2016 election.

“Those were Crash talking points during those debates, no doubt about it. When he told Hillary ‘Extreme Drain the Swamp!’ that was straight from Conway’s love of Crash,” says former Trump adviser Steve Bannon. “She even got him to start calling her Tawna. Creepy.”

“The White House has categorically denied the allegations that Conway is faking her illness so she can spend time reconnecting with her beloved franchise. Despite the allure of a brand-new Crash Bandicoot adventure. According to White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany, Conway is focused on her health and her role as a key advisor to the leader of the free world.

“Any suggestion that this illness is a fabrication is simply lies from the liberal left being amplified by the fake news media,” she said in a press conference earlier today. “The fact is Ms.Conway is very, very sick and plans to stay in, get some rest, and stay hydrated with plenty of Mtn Dew GameFuel. Doctor’s orders.”

At press time, Claudia Conway posted an apology tweet, revealing that her mother had died of COVID-19.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Review: Machine Gun Kelly Is Revolutionizing Pop Punk by Dating an Adult

Posted on by John Dixon

It’s 2020. The country is divided, the world is on fire, and a pop-punk album is topping the charts. At least one of these things is thanks to one man: Machine Gun Kelly. Typically known as a rapper, Kelly is revolutionizing the ailing genre of pop-punk by taking the genre in a wildly new direction. Machine Gun Kelly is a pop-punk frontman who is dating an adult.

This wild subversion of expectations transforms what would have otherwise been a middling collection of Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater rejects with juvenile lyrics into something with actual pathos. Kelly’s mix of hip hop elements in aesthetic, sound, and marketing of the album, combine very nicely with his lack of statutory rape accusations in a way the genre has never seen before.

Opener ‘title track’ in particular carries with it the sort of weight that can only come from a 30-year-old choosing to date a 34-year-old. Out of the mouth of a lesser man, lines like, “if I were a painter, I’d be a depressionist” would come across as laughable. But coming from Kelly, the pop-punk unicorn with an age-appropriate partner, they come across as pointed witticisms.

Whereas most pop-punk frontmen throughout the ages have used their celebrity to prey on younger women, Kelly has chosen to not only date an adult, but Megan Fox. As a celebrity who is older than Kelly and has a larger cultural footprint, this shift in power differential is a complete inverse of the rest of the genre, putting Kelly solidly ahead of his peers.

While the album is full of genre-defying moments, MGK utilizes several key changes to the formerly one-note genre. For instance, Machine Gun Kelly is revolutionizing pop-punk by using 808’s to supplement live drums. Even more amazing, he does this while simultaneously not sending dick pics to children. Further, his incorporation of cross-genre collaboration with high profile artists brings a new vibe to pop-punk, as opposed to the old cliche’ pop-punk trope of luring a naive fan to a tour bus while their parents wait in their car. Lastly, using social media and collaborating with brands to inspire the next generation of kids to pick up guitars and sing songs about heartbreak is Kelly’s way of solidifying the beloved genre’s future. Oh, and the not fucking children thing. That’s a big help, too.

Then again, the lyrics still have a lot of the old misogynistic tropes pop-punk lyrics are known for. Cancel Machine Gun Kelly, now!

Census Bureau Reminds Crust Punks to Not Count Raccoons As Roommates

Posted on by Amir Adan

SUITLAND, Md. — The United States Census Bureau issued a sharp reminder to crust punks today to stop counting wild animals such as raccoons as members of the household when filling out their questionnaire.

“Many census enumerators are reporting that crust punks have taken to labeling any living thing in their squat as roommates, and that could sway the data we are trying to collect,” said frustrated U.S. Census spokesperson Susan Zimmerman. “Again, we ask everyone to please only count the humans living with them — that means no raccoons, no stray dogs, and certainly not your bed bugs. One household submitted a count of 748 roommates total, two of which were human. We need to make sure we’re getting an accurate count.”

However, crust punks across the country claim this move is a transparent attempt to suppress their numbers in America’s population count.

“This is absolute bullshit,” said irate crust punk Lenny “Six Toes” Arnold. “My roommate Austin is a feral dog, sure. But not counting him because he’s not human is massively fucked when he does just as much for this household as any of us. Same goes for my adopted son, Clyde: just because he’s a ferret I found living in a burned out station wagon, doesn’t mean he’s not a person. This is why we say fuck the government — they just screw with us every chance they get.”

Areas with dense crust punk populations can expect population counts much smaller than previously thought, which is troublesome to institutions such as schools.

“I’m not sure what our budget will look like if we see a sudden sharp drop in the local population,” said Oak Lawn school district superintendent Ramey Stein. “Before the crust punks, this suburb’s population was about 60,000. But because they seem to count every dust mite or whatever as a kid, we would tell the federal government we’ve got 3.6 million people. With this nonsense, we will absolutely lose out on funding. The students here have gotten accustomed to lavish lunches with fine wines and filet mignon, and I don’t know how they’ll adjust when the budget gets slashed after this new census count.”

The bureau added in a followup statement that while it is important to make sure everyone is counted, it is okay to not include bassists and Juggalos when completing the census.

5 Well Paying Jobs Your Parents Probably Have if You’re Voting Third Party

Posted on by Nick Ortolani

We all know that choosing who to vote for is an unsatisfying, existentially-bleak, and pleasure-devoid bummer. It’s impossible to find any political candidate that caters to our fine-tuned ideals. Well, fear not because there’s no need for you to be shackled to the constrictive grip of the two-party system. That is, assuming your parents have good enough jobs that your life isn’t impacted by our current economic and social issues.

If so, then congratulations! Here are five well-paying jobs your parents probably have if you’re voting third party.

Corporate Finance Lawyer – So you like how conservatism will protect your family’s generational wealth, but razzed that they don’t let you smoke weed? Sounds like your parents might be engaged in the sexy world of corporate financial protection. While they’re busy squirreling away pharma company money in offshore accounts, you’re probably listening to Sublime and wondering why Ron Paul got such a raw deal.

Medical Specialist – If the grave circumstances surrounding the upcoming election don’t compel you to vote for the lesser of two evils, chances are one of your parents is a doctor with a superfluous subspecialty. They provided you with a good education from the money they earned giving lip filler to televangelists and circumcising prize racehorses.

Being White – Let’s face it, being white is a full-time job. From managing your disproportionately higher finances to constantly creating contingency plans for what you believe is the impending race war, you’re looking for a candidate who’s both pro-choice and will support building affordable housing, just not in your neighborhood.

Brand Specialist – At the end of the day, the political wings of the United States are less differentiated by a series of substantive policy disagreements and more by public imaging cultivated by decades of meticulously designed marketing. One party is Coke and the other is Pepsi. You? Your party is RC Cola. It’s certainly unique, but it’ll give you cancer.

Any Outspoke Celebrity – Look, I am so sorry that your mom or dad is out there right now posting videos in a cringy attempt to appear in touch with the common person. Telling us we “need to pull together” while wearing designer clothes, petting a designer cat, and sitting in a designer mansion, is certainly a reason to rebel and vote against literally anything and anyone they support. But come election day, please think of our future before you throw away your voice in the American democratic system just to make a volunteer chuckle at your write-in selection of, “Captain America.”

Alkaline Trio Begins Working on New Spooky Pun to Title Next Album

Posted on by James Knapp

CHICAGO — Veteran emo-punk band Alkaline Trio has returned to the studio to brainstorm vaguely gothic puns to title their forthcoming album, sources fond of goofy wordplay confirmed.

“We’ve put a lot of sweat, blood and tears into our music over the years, but that’s nothing compared to how much we’ve put into making sure every album title is up to the Trio pun standard,” explained guitarist and self- described “ghost master general” Matt Skiba. “We’ve already got some pretty good titles written up, like ‘I Urn For You’ and ‘Trick Gore Treat,’ but I’ve got a feeling our best titles are still to come. Oh! Like ‘Hexacution!’ Gotta remember to write that one down later.”

The album’s production staff are frustrated by the band’s insistence on focusing on a spooky pun at this point in the recording process.

“Why are they putting so much effort into this? The album has been finished for six months, but we’re still waiting on these dudes to come up with a fucking title,” bemoaned engineer Will Donner while reviewing the band’s latest list of potential names. “Most of these don’t even make sense: they’ve got stuff like ‘Department of Murder Vehicles,’ ‘Coffee and Cremation,’ or ‘No Shoes, No Shirt, No Funeral Service.’ There was one that just read, ‘What about a shoe store… but like, if it was scary.’ That’s not even a pun — it sounds like they came up with these while they were running errands.”

Music journalist Stella Maines agreed.

“I’ve been a fan of Alkaline Trio for years, but in my professional opinion, their album pun game has been on the downslide since they chose ‘Crimson’ over ‘Church and Destroy.’ Ever since, possibly groundbreaking puns like ‘Land of the Scream, Home of the Grave’ and ‘Seance It Ain’t So’ are just haunting reminders of what could have been. A good spooky pun is an essential element of every Alkaline Trio album — their recent lazy goofiness is exactly how we end up with bullshit like ‘Agony & Irony,’ goddammit!”

Alkaline Trio is also reportedly considering “Creeping with the Enemy,” “Ghoulf Course,” and “Please Sir, Can I Have Some Morgue.”

Photo by IllaZilla.