Paramore is one of the only bands to rise out of the “Myspace Emo” era that continues to thrive nearly two decades later. Beyond that one chart-topper that gets their fans belting at the top of their petty lungs, and the vampire anthem with eight-billion YouTube views, all six of Paramore’s full-length studio releases have been solid pop, despite an ever-rotating lineup that didn’t settle until their fifth album. The band now consists of three core members (yes, three) and four touring additions (properly called the Parafour). They’re currently touring arenas and festivals around the world, playing two-hour-long sets of songs pulled from every album in their impressive discography. A discography we’ve ranked accordingly.
5. (Tie) All We Know Is Falling (2005)
This debut album thrust Paramore onto the scene before they were old enough to drive, with its memorable singles “Emergency” and “Pressure.” Therefore, it doesn’t feel quite right to place it last, but it also doesn’t feel wrong. The angst-ridden tracks all fit neatly into a box of nostalgia that’s best opened when you want to re-experience a time when your parents had just gotten divorced, and society still needed proof that girls can rock. “Here We Go Again” continues to find its way onto the band’s live set list every once in a while, proving it’s possible for Christian thirteen-year-olds with a record deal to grow into functioning adult rockstars with six record deals.
Play It Again: “Emergency”
Skip It: “Whoa”
5. (Tie) Riot! (2007)
No need to get your wallet chain in a twist. This album went triple platinum, got the band in the ears of mainstream listeners, and inspired an SNL sketch, so obviously it’s a good album. With big singable choruses and catchy hooks, some of these songs ace the test of time, but others border on what the kids—who are now the age we were when “Riot!” came out—would refer to as cringe. It was the album we needed in 2007, but in 2023, it gets put at the bottom of this very serious ranking.
Play It Again: “Let The Flames Begin”
Skip It: “Fences”
4. Self-Titled (2013)
Paramore’s self-titled album can be considered their most experimental effort, with fourteen songs and three interludes that range from grungy and industrial, to early punk, to du-wop inspired. It’s a little long, and a little all over the place. But art imitates life or whatever, and you take the best parts and store the rest away. Some of the band’s biggest hits, like “Still Into You” and “Ain’t It Fun” are on this record, and if nothing else, it offers something for all of their fans.
Play It Again: “Part II”
Skip It: “Anklebiters”
3. Brand New Eyes (2009)
At the time “Brand New Eyes” was announced, Paramore’s fanbase was continuing to grow exponentially with the success of their previous album, and the release of “Decode,” a single written for the movie “Twilight” that’s still one of their most popular songs to date. This record demonstrates that two things may happen when you write songs about being mad at your bandmates: an album of driving, spiteful, alternative rock gets recorded and debuts at #2 on the Billboard 200, and shit hits the fan between band members. Personal fallout of the band notwithstanding, this is an honest album that showcases Williams’ range and power as a vocalist, and proved she’s the star of the show.
Play It Again: “Careful”
Skip It: “Feeling Sorry”
2. After Laughter (2017)
“After Laughter” marked a definitive turn in the band’s sound, gaining them even more commercial appeal with its new wave and soul-influenced synth-pop tracklist. Musically it’s upbeat and energetic, while lyrically it’s despondent as hell, making for a record that hits a sweet spot with anyone surfing the angsty-teenager-to-semi-depressed-adult pipeline. Not only is one of the singles named in honor of this very real punk news website, but even Sir Elton John called it “one of the most underrated albums of [the] year” and a “fabulous record.” Who are we to argue with that?
Play It Again: “Told You So”
Skip It: Not to be skipped, but better watched live: “Caught In The Middle”
1. This Is Why (2023)
Paramore’s newest album is their best work yet, recency bias be damned. After taking a five-year hiatus to deal with the various hells of the human experience (and to work on their respective very good side projects), they channeled all the personal and musical growth that happened in that time straight into “This Is Why.” As their only album featuring the same lineup as the one before it, the ten tracks on this record harken back to their younger, guitar-forward songwriting, with added funk grooves, more mature lyrics, and lo-fi production elements. It’s as though the strongest parts of all their previous records were put together to create the best version of Paramore’s sound—one that longtime fans should love, and one that instills hope for even more great music from the band in the future.
Play It Again: “The News”, “You First”
Skip It: Nothing to be skip here!
Good grief Peanuts specials are terrible. Aside from the music of The Vince Guaraldi Trio, these things have zero entertainment value. They’re about to die, they deserve better.
I mean what am I trying to do, broadcast it to the poor bastards? Any movie that questions mom’s taste in men is out. It’s a big family, and I’ll need the element of surprise to succeed.
Casper is an odd one. This “friendly” ghost is a little creepy and possessive toward Christina Ricci. Frankly, it borders on problematic. I made a promise to Lidya Sheffield that I would help raise her children right, and even though I muttered “Until I freakin butcher you all with an axe on Halloween night” under my breath, it’s a promise I intend to keep.
This is the last night of these people’s lives, subjecting them to a Netflix-era Adam Sandler comedy just seems cruel. Almost as cruel as I’m going to be with that axe. The Sheffields are a good bunch, they deserve “Big Daddy” or better.
It’s sort of like “Hocus Pocus” meets “Eat Pray Love.” I prefer the one without the “Eat Pray Love” in it. Will “Hocus Pocus” be the last movie my family ever sees? Read on to find out!
Eh, kind of overrated, and it promotes a mistrust of adults. Appearances must be kept until the very final moment, just like last year and countless others.
It is a classic, and as a cinephile, I appreciate it, but it might be a little too slow-paced for the youngins. I don’t want them to fall asleep before I get to murder them with my axe, where would the fun be in that?!
The early mixture of animation with live action is charming, and it even teaches the kids a little something about World War II, but like, what’s the point in that? I’m about to murder them.
This animated spooky classic has really stood the test of time, and it will help the Sheffields cozy up to the idea of living without heads.
The Goosebumps books had come and gone before our kids came into this world, but they do love Jack Black. It’s only right that they spend this night with someone they love.
Personally, I always thought this live-action iteration of Scooby-Doo was a mess. Sarah Michelle Gellar is playing Buffy instead of Daphne, Freddie Prinze Jr. is playing Freddie Prinze Jr. instead of Fred, and why the hell are Shaggy and Scoob making fart jokes? Still, the kids seem to like it, and part of being a parent means putting their needs first before you brutally slaughter them.
I have some reservations about showing them this movie where the house itself is the monster, only for them to turn around and see that the monster is just some guy with an axe (me.) Kinda feels like a de-escalation.
An adaptation of the Roald Dahl classic directed by one of my favorite filmmakers Nicolas Roeg! At first, I thought “This would be a great entry point into Roeg’s filmography for the kids!” but then I was like “Oh, right, I’m murdering them.”
Bet you never thought you would see a Rob Zombie film on a list of family-friendly movies, but his recent Munsters reboot is squeaky clean. Don’t worry though, once the movie ends things are going to get “House of 1000 Corpses” around here real fast.
It’s got great spooky ambiance, but maybe not the right fit since the plot revolves around the protagonist being a virgin. I’m worried our youngest will ask me what a virgin is, and then we’ll have to have an awkward talk before THE URGE forces me to decapitate her with an axe.
This would be sort of an ironic choice since our own dog, a pit/lab mix by the name of Mr. Hamburger, is the only member of the family who is going to survive this night. I am a serial murderer of families, not some dipshit animal abuser!
Ghost and zombies and curses, oh my! “ParaNorman” packs a lot of spooky stuff into its 92-minute runtime, which is good, because that’s exactly how long the Sheffields have to experience as much as possible.
It’s short and sweet, just like my kid’s lives are about to be.
This one pushes the boundaries of PG-13 a bit and technically might be a little scarier than our youngest is used to, but come on. They’re all about to die. Live a little.
Nothing whets your appetite for brutal axe murder more than a strait-to-video ‘90s Olson Twins movie.
Maybe if the kids spent less time asking “What do toys get up to when we’re not looking” and more time asking “How come our new dad doesn’t let us in the tool shed” they would see tonight’s bloodbath coming.
This has been a sticking point for many hardline straight edgers for years. A representative from Salt Lake City submitted evidence of a young TikToker saying “I’m so addicted to my lip balm, I like can’t live without it” and posited that using lip moisturizing products is worse than heroin.
Members of the Boston hardcore scene remain steadfast in their belief that every variety of mushroom contains some sort of psychedelic element. This is a “better safe than sorry” proposal in order to protect straight edge scene members from accidentally expanding their mind.
Under this proposal, every straight edger must get at least 7 hours of sleep a night. Anything less will be considered an edge break akin to smoking two packs of cigarettes.
Every adult straight edger must make this pilgrimage once in their life. If they do not do it before their death they will not be allowed to be buried with their favorite straight edge merch or have any straight edge songs played at their funeral
Members of the straight edge community remain unclear as to what exactly “hemp” is. This ban would include eating hemp seeds, and would penalize any member of the scene whot used hemp rope in their necklaces in the ‘90s.
In 2021 the elders enacted a ban on sunscreen, following a sharp increase in terrible sun burns at outdoor music festivals and skin cancer, members of the Florida scene are proposing this rule be reversed.
This one is pretty straight forward. If you need mind-altering chemicals while a medical professional removes your appendix then maybe the straight edge lifestyle isn’t for you.
A large faction of people were introduced to straight edge through mainstream personalities like CM Punk but have no connection to the history of straight edge, under this proposal these people would not be allowed to call themselves straight edge and must adopt a new term to be determined later. CM Punk himself will not be affected by this change.
Lots of people believe this means a “ban on pre-marital sex.” The scene elders clarified they also don’t really know what this should actually mean and continue to encourage any straight edger to participate in sex on the rare occasions it actually happens.
The California straight edge scene reminded the larger community that they do not recognize CBD as a drug and do not see its use as an edge break.
Just a nice, semi-romantic lakeside ghost tale. Not a drop of piss. Oh actually no there is one. Hmm.
Tugs at the heartstrings a bit maybe but just not that scary. Still a few more drops of piss though, curious.
A ‘90s teen twist on the legend of The Headless Horseman. I swear it wasn’t scary and yet there are clearly fresh piss drops here. Am I just like slowly leaking piss all the time and just now noticing? It’s soaking through multiple layers.
This one is honestly more whimsy than horror, and whatever issue I was having with piss seems to have righted itself. No wait there it goes again, what the fuck I just changed my underwear!
What could be scarier than an art class?! The answer is obviously lots of stuff. Okay, there’s a straight-up spot now. Did I put on dirty underwear by mistake? This is a Stephen King-sized piss stain, I don’t know what’s going on.
Jeffrey Dahmer lived in apartment 213, is she meant to be his neighbor? This Large Marge light story I would call spooky, but not scary, and yet the spot is bigger! Definitely not just the underwear, something is up with me.
This was a weird one and I’ve always appreciated the campiness of it, but in terms of fear there should be zero piss in my shorts and there is more than that, I could probably fill a water balloon at this point. Am I drinking too much water?
This one scared some of the piss out of me for sure. Not this much piss though. Some of this piss is definitely not fear-related, I’m a little alarmed. Could I be diabetic?
You never forget the taste of fear. You never forget the smell of fear either. It smells like piss. Okay yeah, the piss-to-fear ratio is way off here. Way off. Maybe a quick peak at WebMD is in order.
Definitely a few solid jump-scare moments in this spooky graveyard tale. One of them gave me a little spritz, but then several full-on spurts after that I can’t really explain. I’m 29, this is not right.
Okay there’s a lot more pee this time, but look at that guy. He looks like some kind of piss demon. I’m gonna just chalk this one up to the episode. I’m gonna go get all my piss out before the next ep, change underwear one more time, and hope that whatever was going on with me is done and I can stop worrying.
This one was a lot scarier back when I was a kid and librarians were still a force to be reckoned with, but watching it through adult eyes… God, more piss? I like, JUST went. What’s wrong with my body?
Scary stuff, but if I had to pick the scariest wizard I’m dealing with right now, it would be ME! Wizzin’ all over the goddamn place! I am straight-up damp. This is not normal. Am I still on Mom’s insurance?
This ghost story centering around the mystery of a girl killed on her way to the prom in the ‘50s warrants some urine, but this?! It’s getting on the couch now!
Here’s a scary story for ya, the tale of the soggy bottoms. Jesus, I am a MESS, piss-wise.
Grandma Arbuckle is in retirement and now a greeter at Wal-Mart, with a very low likelihood of workplace violence. The only thing anyone could blame her for was gossip. She absolutely lives for it. It’s actually caused problems with some of the customers, since her questions are far too probing. A manager at the nearest location was having an affair with someone in the warehouse where she worked, and that gossip alone absolutely made her month. It was like instant Christmas for Grandma Arbuckle. Besides occasionally pocketing batteries for the “clicker,” Grandma Arbuckle is mostly harmless.
Yes, this is Garfield’s teddy bear and best friend. Innocent, right? Wrong. Never disregard potential threats in the office. Sometimes it’s the quiet ones that suddenly lash out with a stapler. There’s mischief brewing in those lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll’s eyes. They might not respond to your email out of spite. They might not even talk to you. Then again, Pooky can’t talk. The worst you might get is a passive-aggressive door slam, if Pooky can even reach the knob.
Who doesn’t love Odie? Sure he can be mischievous towards Garfield, but this is often in retaliation for some annoying-as-fucking prank Garfield has pulled. He mostly wants to just hang around you and happily drool. The worst Odie might do is accidentally rummage through your desk looking for treats or chew your desk calendar up. Property destruction and vandalism is never tolerable. He’s a dog, what do you want?
Lyman disappeared from the Garfield newspaper strip in 1983 and hasn’t been seen since. Every company worries about that one distant disgruntled past employee unceremoniously fired, the one who promised to return while being carried out by security. Who else has been sending your office cryptic threats pasted together with individual letters cut from People magazine? It has to be Lyman, with his classic antagonist mustache and misleading smile. Report any tactics of intimidation, especially if Lyman begins standing across the street from the office “reading the newspaper” wearing nothing but a peacoat and mirrored sunglasses.
When you work in service and people don’t tip, it is understandably upsetting and tempting to seek revenge. That’s what lands Irma in trouble every time. She has thrown mugs at non-tippers, has even followed them out screaming. She has poured cement mix into gasoline tanks, and has not washed her hands when serving rude customers. Any minor upset with staff will result in her giving a month’s long silent treatment, as though conversation with her was a fucking treasure. Best just to nod and smile at her small talk. Do not accept her Facebook friend request.
Garfield is likely too lazy to ever actually cause any harm. He is mostly a constant grump, which honestly fits into most American corporate culture. But he also has a long memory and is constantly biding time for his own revenge. He has these ominous lists in his room, scribbled on the back of long CVS receipts, new names added each week after any minor altercation. What is he planning on doing with those lists? You go out of your way to be nice to Garfield, but it doesn’t seem to work. Nothing makes Garfield happy, except when it’s 4:59pm, when this lazy cat becomes an Olympic runner heading for the door.
Garfield’s Mother is the one that’s been around forever, employed since day one. And somehow she is the biggest bully of them all. Nearing complete bitterness and dripping with cruelty, Garfield’s Mother is every judgmental co-worker that you’ve ever worked with. They call you unwanted nicknames. They talk about you behind your back. But they also eat garbage from the back courtyard of an Italian restaurant, so you try not to judge. There’s clearly something wrong going on here. They smell like old halibut. Despite their personal hygiene, Garfield’s Mom is still employed since the company somehow can’t function without her.
Everyone knows a short king constantly trying to prove themselves, and that’s Squeak the mouse. Way, way too sensitive. Always getting into fights in the parking lot, or challenging people over any perceived threat. Overdoes it with the cologne. One time at a work conference, Squeak pulled a dude’s clip-tie off and threw it into a corporate fountain. You don’t think Squeak would ever actually get into a real brawl, but he’s reckless. Too reckless. Squeak was an unfortunate choice as a new “work lunch friend” during the first week or so. You’ve avoided him ever since, even though he hits you up on Slack all the time about your lunch plans.