Well, Halloween is right around the corner and you know what that means—it’s almost time to complete your kill cycle. You’ve spent the whole year infiltrating a family, becoming one of them, and gaining their trust. Now it’s time to treat them to a family-friendly Halloween classic before THE URGE takes hold and you come after them with an axe.
Fire up the TV, throw some popcorn in the microwave, and sharpen that blade, for Samhain is upon us and it demands sacrifice.
So which spooktacular tale will precede the bloodshed this year? Here are the top 50 family Halloween movies the Sheffields are blissfully unaware will be their last, ranked worst to best!
50. “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” (1966)
Good grief Peanuts specials are terrible. Aside from the music of The Vince Guaraldi Trio, these things have zero entertainment value. They’re about to die, they deserve better.
49. “Mom’s Got a Date with a Vampire” (2000)
I mean what am I trying to do, broadcast it to the poor bastards? Any movie that questions mom’s taste in men is out. It’s a big family, and I’ll need the element of surprise to succeed.
48. “Casper” (1995)
Casper is an odd one. This “friendly” ghost is a little creepy and possessive toward Christina Ricci. Frankly, it borders on problematic. I made a promise to Lidya Sheffield that I would help raise her children right, and even though I muttered “Until I freakin butcher you all with an axe on Halloween night” under my breath, it’s a promise I intend to keep.
47. “Hubie Halloween” (2020)
This is the last night of these people’s lives, subjecting them to a Netflix-era Adam Sandler comedy just seems cruel. Almost as cruel as I’m going to be with that axe. The Sheffields are a good bunch, they deserve “Big Daddy” or better.
46. “Practical Magic” (1998)
It’s sort of like “Hocus Pocus” meets “Eat Pray Love.” I prefer the one without the “Eat Pray Love” in it. Will “Hocus Pocus” be the last movie my family ever sees? Read on to find out!
45. “The Goonies” (1985)
Eh, kind of overrated, and it promotes a mistrust of adults. Appearances must be kept until the very final moment, just like last year and countless others.
44. “King Kong” (1933)
It is a classic, and as a cinephile, I appreciate it, but it might be a little too slow-paced for the youngins. I don’t want them to fall asleep before I get to murder them with my axe, where would the fun be in that?!
43. “Bedknobs and Broomsticks” (1971)
The early mixture of animation with live action is charming, and it even teaches the kids a little something about World War II, but like, what’s the point in that? I’m about to murder them.
42. “The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad” (1950)
This animated spooky classic has really stood the test of time, and it will help the Sheffields cozy up to the idea of living without heads.
41. “Goosebumps” (2015)
The Goosebumps books had come and gone before our kids came into this world, but they do love Jack Black. It’s only right that they spend this night with someone they love.
40. “Scooby-Doo” (2002)
Personally, I always thought this live-action iteration of Scooby-Doo was a mess. Sarah Michelle Gellar is playing Buffy instead of Daphne, Freddie Prinze Jr. is playing Freddie Prinze Jr. instead of Fred, and why the hell are Shaggy and Scoob making fart jokes? Still, the kids seem to like it, and part of being a parent means putting their needs first before you brutally slaughter them.
39. “Monster House” (2006)
I have some reservations about showing them this movie where the house itself is the monster, only for them to turn around and see that the monster is just some guy with an axe (me.) Kinda feels like a de-escalation.
38. “The Witches” (1990)
An adaptation of the Roald Dahl classic directed by one of my favorite filmmakers Nicolas Roeg! At first, I thought “This would be a great entry point into Roeg’s filmography for the kids!” but then I was like “Oh, right, I’m murdering them.”
37. “The Munsters” (2022)
Bet you never thought you would see a Rob Zombie film on a list of family-friendly movies, but his recent Munsters reboot is squeaky clean. Don’t worry though, once the movie ends things are going to get “House of 1000 Corpses” around here real fast.
36. “Hocus Pocus” (1993)
It’s got great spooky ambiance, but maybe not the right fit since the plot revolves around the protagonist being a virgin. I’m worried our youngest will ask me what a virgin is, and then we’ll have to have an awkward talk before THE URGE forces me to decapitate her with an axe.
35. “Frankenweenie” (2012)
This would be sort of an ironic choice since our own dog, a pit/lab mix by the name of Mr. Hamburger, is the only member of the family who is going to survive this night. I am a serial murderer of families, not some dipshit animal abuser!
34. “ParaNorman” (2012)
Ghost and zombies and curses, oh my! “ParaNorman” packs a lot of spooky stuff into its 92-minute runtime, which is good, because that’s exactly how long the Sheffields have to experience as much as possible.
33. “The Scariest Story Ever: A Mickey Mouse Halloween Spooktacular”
It’s short and sweet, just like my kid’s lives are about to be.
32. “Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark” (2019)
This one pushes the boundaries of PG-13 a bit and technically might be a little scarier than our youngest is used to, but come on. They’re all about to die. Live a little.
31. “Double, Double, Toil and Trouble” (1993)
Nothing whets your appetite for brutal axe murder more than a strait-to-video ‘90s Olson Twins movie.
30. “Toy Story of Terror” (2014)
Maybe if the kids spent less time asking “What do toys get up to when we’re not looking” and more time asking “How come our new dad doesn’t let us in the tool shed” they would see tonight’s bloodbath coming.