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Vet Bill 500 Million Dollars

RICHMOND, Va. — Local woman Carissa Whitley was reportedly billed 500 million dollars during a recent visit to Riverside Veterinary Center with her 3-year-old Labrador Retriever mix Daisy, flabbergasted sources confirmed.

“She got a hold of a fucking chicken wing bone, dude. And now I have to pay 500 million dollars. Fuck, that’s a lot of money. Why are vet bills so expensive?” said Whitley, who now owes the equivalent of a superyacht to her local vet. “And who the fuck is leaving chicken bones out on the street? There must be a man just walking around with a pillowcase full of chicken wing bones and sprinkling them around residential neighborhoods. Oh Jesus Christ, I’m never going to get out from under this.”

Samuel Miller, veterinarian at Riverside, said large bills can be quite common and pet owners should not be surprised at the cost of high-quality vet care.

“For us to just see a patient, we’re usually talking about 50 to 100 million dollars. That doesn’t even account for fees, the cost of procedures, and prescription medicines which, of course, can add up quickly,” explained Miller who regularly bankrupts families with bills that match the State of Wyoming’s total spending on Medicare for fiscal year 2023. “When we saw Daisy, she had swallowed a small chicken wing bone and it had lodged itself in her throat. Fortunately, she was able to pass the bone without any surgical interventions, but the cost of the urgent care appointment, coupled with us keeping her overnight for observation and prescribing medication for her GI tract, pushed the cost of her visit to a very respectable half a billion.”

Jessica Holden, a professor of Veterinary Economics at Virginia Commonwealth University, says recent inflationary pressures have driven up the cost of domestic animal care.

“Like other areas of the United States economy, vet offices are feeling the pinch of inflation. Their costs have gone up and they’ve had to pass down those costs to consumers. Before COVID, vet bills were much more reasonable. Back then, you could take your dog for his yearly checkup for only 25 million,” said Holden. “With prices so high now, we fear many Americans may just choose to forgo owning pets. The impact that might have on the industry overall is unclear.”

Shortly before press time, Daisy ate another chicken bone, prompting Whitley to return to the vet’s office.