9. Mrs. Arbuckle
Mrs. Arbuckle is a big fan of microaggressions, especially to co-workers from immigrant families. It’s never direct, but more like a lingering waft of racism. This includes correcting grammar, loudly criticizing musical trends, or asking rude questions about heritage. “So where are you from from?” she’ll probe. Has a “Live, Laugh, Love” placard next to a “Blue Lives Matter” sign at her desk. Somehow uses the most offensive outdated language to refer to those with disabilities or from other countries, yet absolutely hates when people use “curse words”.
8. Arlene
Look out for Arlene. Garfield’s on-and-off girlfriend is particularly catty, no pun intended, and has seen several job changes due to an inappropriate use of nails as defense. Arlene will swipe at you, but don’t take it personally: she’s mostly upset at how cheap her dates with Garfield are. She doesn’t want fish bones on a fence, dude! You have to walk past Arlene’s desk daily, watching those sharp nails tap away. You’re pretty sure she keyed your car once for not contributing to an employee gift swap that she organized. Ignore the framed selfie on her desk. Whatever you do, don’t bring up the gap in her teeth. Don’t respond when she refers to herself as Madonna. Those scratches draw blood.
7. Nermal
Today you learned Nermal is actually male, so there’s that surprise. Which makes sense given this cute gray cat’s history of narcissism, outbursts, shittiness and gaslighting. Considered Garfield’s “friendly” enemy, Nermal will do anything to land on top. Nermal loves childish “pranks,” getting mad at you for not enjoying an electric-shock handshake or the automated fart machine attached to your desk. He is constantly explaining, “It’s just a joke, bro.” You go along with it and laugh, mostly because you heard Nermal did some time years back. It’s mostly faded, but Nermal has that little teardrop tattoo. Also, Nermal will straight up blackmail you. Don’t tell Nermal anything you wouldn’t want used against you. Some say this is how he got that cushy middle-management position.
6. Mr. Arbuckle
Who is that getting into a fistfight at the local hayseed bar over a $5 bet? Why it’s Mr. Arbuckle, Jon’s ne’er-do-well father. Rarely leaving the farm, those working in isolated positions can be the most volatile among us. Mr. Arbuckle once had a whole staff working for him before wrongfully waving a pitchfork at them over his own misplanted crop field. He can’t work on other farms because he’s been caught stealing – weird things, too: manure in his pockets, goat feed in his fists. His late-night tendencies to drunkenly roam the country roads bordering his property has led to so many encounters with other farmers and local teenagers. He’s become somewhat of a local legend, in the worst way possible. People have stopped calling 911 on him, mostly because the cops love buying “Messy Mr. Arbuckle” double-shots at the bar and watching him try to dance to ZZ Top.
5. Dr. Liz Wilson
Running your own veterinary practice is incredibly stressful. And that isn’t a worry for Jon Arbuckle’s girlfriend Dr. Liz Wilson, whose cutthroat competitiveness has driven every other vet out of town. The self-proclaimed “girlboss vet” will post nasty reviews on competitor’s pages about shoddy petcare, embellish complaints to health review boards, and make up rumors online about inhumane facilities. Stalking charges were once filed. Plus, Dr. Wilson definitely has road rage problems. Don’t even think about getting in front of her Tesla while she zips through the office parking lot, clipping bystanders and slowing down for absolutely no one. Apparently she brings home animal sedatives for weird bedroom games with Jon, which is something she is way too willing to share at 9 a.m. on a Tuesday.
4. ‘Doc Boy’ Arbuckle
Like the Unabomber, you are concerned with what Doc Boy does alone in his shack all night. You’ve heard laughing, muttering, even an occasional small ticking sound. A rhythmic clanging. What’s he building in there? You learn to avoid the co-worker that looks like he has access to The Anarchist’s Cookbook, talking to himself in the elevator. Also, be aware of possible culture clashes. Doc Boy was raised on a farm and once threatened to choke a co-worker over a misperceived casual question about weekend plans. To use Doc Boy as an example, it’s best not to respond to small talk with “Why the fuck are you asking, city boy?!”
3. Binky the Clown
Sure he dresses funny, but Binky the Clown is a Second Amendment-loving, gym-bro nutcase with a truck covered in Punisher logo decals. Avoid this unstable fuck at all costs, even though he’ll want to tell you all about his weekend workout. These testosterone clowns barely conceal their rage issues, basically a walking pressure-cooker. Binky has landed in hot water for nicknaming the company’s philanthropic wing as “snowflake patrol”. For some reason, he wears his “tactical clown nose” to work. Cannot go within 100 yards of multiple exes. You heard he once broke someone’s jaw at an office holiday party when they insulted Joe Rogan. You’ve seen him punch through walls and smash all the mugs in the kitchen over the slightest altercation. In fact, Binky is taking this class with you, in his fourth repeat.
2. Herman Post
You’ve heard the phrase “going postal?” Just give Herman an excuse, give him any fucking excuse. Like the strangely popular cultural phenomena of postal workers losing their shit in the workplace around the end of the 20th century, Herman is no exception. He’s seen it, too: co-workers throwing stools, entire mailrooms trashed, mail trucks with slashed tires, arson, extreme property damage… Herman even occasionally joined in. The truth is: Garfield is such a pain to deliver mail to, and no one else will take Herman’s postal route, which has kept this certified psycho employed for decades. Sometimes Herman drives that little mail-truck around at night to the ‘Taxi Driver’ soundtrack. He thinks about veering over the yellow line into oncoming traffic, “just to feel something” he tells terrified co-workers back at the lunchroom. Herman mostly eats lunch by himself. “Who will deliver your mail then, you ungrateful maggots!” Herman laughs to himself, shouting at no one in particular. He also has the worst small talk. When he’s not devotedly talking about conspiracy theories, he’s rating the attractiveness of last night’s Jeopardy guests or ranking Marie Callender’s frozen dinner options available at his local supermarket.
1. Jon Arbuckle
Avoid Jon Arbuckle at all costs. Jon has so much fury inside. He is a bubbling pot of hatred. He will not stop talking about how much he hates his cat Garfield. How can one cat have such an effect on a man? Jon Arbuckle is an alias. He’s had to change his name a few times due to past problems with workplace violence. He’s thrown computer screens through windows in epic temper tantrums. He’s hurled desks into conference room glass walls. He once even took a shit on the front lobby desk while crying as major clients watched, apparently angered by the “constant lack of respect around here!” As if the vaguely nationalist tirades weren’t enough, Jon constantly talks about wishing it was the “1950s, when men could be men,” whatever that means. Has multiple empty vodka bottles under his desk, claiming he was keeping them there “for a friend.” What friend? Jon doesn’t have any friends. You heard Dr. Liz Wilson moved out. You hope you call in sick the day Jon inevitably snaps. You see him alone at the company party, bobbing his head to music, holding his fourth drink. It’s unsettling. There is nothing scarier than a mediocre American white man that feels slighted. He is Jon fucking Arcbuckle and he is rattling with rage, ready to loudly complain to you once more about his fucking orange cat.
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