CAMDEN, Conn. — A blockbuster study conducted by Quinnipiac University found that on average, 10 out of 10 American doctors unilaterally believe that being paid to shill for prescription drugs is monetarily awesome.
“I took the Hippocratic Oath to help any and all people in need of medical treatment, and I intend to mostly honor it. But at the same time, I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with recommending a litany of medications to all of my patients to ‘cure’ even the most frivolous of ailments if I get a weekly direct deposit from Johnson & Johnson,” said Dr. Seth Johnson. “If the pharmaceutical lobby throws money at politicians every day, then can’t I get in on the action? I mean sure, most of my patients don’t really need this shit and it’s likely wreaking havoc on their bodies as we speak, but I was able to straight up buy my Land Rover with cash. Even trade-off.”
Americans across the country have noticed even routine checkups have felt more like advertisements for various pills.
“Being in my 40s, I’ve seen lots of specialists as my body is starting to show its wear and tear. But from the cardiologists to the urologists it feels like I’m constantly stuck in hour-long pill-pushing seminars. Yesterday my podiatrist wanted to write me a prescription for Viagra! Just give me the orthopedic insoles and shut the fuck up,” said Brian Feller. “Half the medicines they want to give me are still in the experimental stage, which I’m sure will cause side effects quelled by more pills. They must be making bank, because every subsequent visit my doctors have more gold chains and plastic surgery.”
While many see the moral complications of doctors writing unnecessary prescriptions for personal gain, the FDA noted that it is technically legal.
“Every medical professional is within their rights to do what they think is best for their patients and more importantly for themselves, even if that means shamelessly promoting pills like a celebrity spokesperson. This is just how the healthcare system works in our country and there’s probably nothing we as the government can do about it,” said FDA official Claire Lawrence. “And for what it’s worth, our oversight and approval of drugs is based solely on what research the pharmaceutical companies tell us, and this usually requires luxurious but completely unrelated beach vacations prior to authorization.”
As of press time, a follow-up study also concluded that 10 out of 10 doctors agreed that “copays are for pussies and that the best care only comes from paying out of pocket.”
Jamey and the boys somehow missed the memo that your self-titled album is supposed to be your first while you’re still in your awkward my-stepdad-said-we-could-practice-in-his-basement phase and not ten years in. I know they say don’t judge a book by its cover but the opposite rules apply for albums. The art on this looks like the designer was getting paid by the number of Photoshop layers they could add and the music has that same “we recorded all the ideas at once” vibe.
“Here’s to burning out and here’s to fading away – Fuck you both, I just put it to the torch.” Probably the best line on the album and I don’t want to say that Hatebreed is either burning out or fading away on this one but the flames rising off their logo might seem a little dimmer. I may be alone in this but sometimes standing for what you believe means standing alone. I heard that in a song once. 
2020 was a hard year. And I don’t really mean Covid, the riots, the rise of global fascism, or just the general unraveling of everything decent and sane about society. The worst part was the lack of new music. So it was great that we got a new album from Hatebreed. It was a nice temporary escape from the shit storm but much like a lot of things from 2020, it’s not really something you need to revisit.
What’s the most badass way to start an album? If you said anything other than a reprise of the mosh outro from your previous album you are dead wrong. Trying to capture the same secret sauce they had on “Perseverance” there are a lot of the same tricks here. Unfortunately, just like how I’m crashing from drinking all that Monster Energy, this album runs out of steam the further on into it you get.
Dropping an album this good twenty years into your career shouldn’t even be legal. Not resting on their laurels for even a fucking second this is their most overtly metal album with a variety of influences on full display. There are moments of both ‘80s thrash and ‘90s groove metal and actual flesh-melting solos making this their most musically diverse album. Oh, and what’s that? They forgot to bring the mosh? Try again, motherfucker.
Five angry white guys screaming the word “supremacy” in 2023 would probably be unadvisable but in 2006 it was forgivable. Limp Bizkit once had a cringe-tastic hit with “Break Stuff” which I would assume is about being a full-grown ass adult who has no impulse control and throws a temperature tantrum over a slight inconvenience? Hatebreed seems to set those clowns straight with how to actually do it here with “Destroy Everything.”
I mean, I mentioned it in the intro so of course it was going to be in the top 2. A lot of the olds out there would tell you this is their best album and they really have a strong argument. For better or for worse (in some cases much worse) this was the album that gave the world metalcore. This is surely the soundtrack for many old hardcore dudes who find themselves crowd-killing in their car alone while inching along in traffic on the way to their soul-crushing bullshit job (hypothetically speaking.)
Vin Diesel jumping out of a plane with a snowboard attached to his feet while guzzling a SoBe energy drink so he can somehow defeat the bad guys in “XXX” while “I Will Be Heard” plays in the background is the peak moment of the 2000s and maybe even just human history in general. The production of this album is in that sweet spot of being just raw enough to give it street cred while actually mixed well enough so you can hear everything. Jasta loses the negativity to his lyricism from Satisfaction and switches gears to become the hardest motivational speaker you’ve ever seen. Fuck you, Tony Robbins.
That red and white striped sweater and beanie in your closet may have been helpful in years past when you needed a last-minute costume, but it’s going to be useless for getting out of jury duty. You’ll just look like any other millennial liberal arts school graduate with a day job and the capacity to fulfill their civic responsibilities.
Bob Ross is always a solid costume thanks to the requisite wig, but if you show up to the courthouse as Bob, not only will you have to serve your duty, they might also ask you to make courtroom sketches. Better roll up the sleeves to that button-down shirt and have fun deliberating over whether or not to convict someone for their happy little insurance fraud accidents.
If you own a neutral-colored blanket and the $9.99 it takes to buy a fuzzy pink pig nose and matching ears on Amazon, you’ve got yourself a costume. Once you get to the courthouse parking lot, strap those things on and wrap yourself up as tight as you can in the blanket. There’s no guarantee this will help get you excused from the jury, but if you must serve, at least you’ll be all warm and cozy.
No matter what princess you dress up as, you’ve got options. As Snow White you could claim to have food poisoning, as Aurora you could cite narcolepsy, et cetera—get creative with it. But if that doesn’t work, you’ll just have to say you’ve got a child’s birthday party to appear at and hope the judge shows some compassion.
How effective this costume will be depends on your state of residence. If you’re in the Midwest or parts of the South, chances are dressing as Dorothy won’t help you much. Unless of course you start clicking your heels together and chanting, “I want to go home! I want to go home!!” That should do the trick.
While active duty soldiers may have to serve jury duty, general officers, commanders, and trainees are automatically exempt, so pull on those combat boots, strut yourself into the courthouse, and look in command. Hopefully they won’t bother asking you for verification, but if they do and you actually have to serve, at least you can go get a 10% discount somewhere when it’s over.
This “easy” costume is nothing short of a logistical nightmare in a courthouse. They’ll make you take the sheet off to walk through security, then you’ll have to take it off again to have your picture taken at the reception desk. But if you insist on dressing as a ghost, you’ll just have to really commit and say you’re the victim of the murder committed by whoever is being tried that day—which is a dark thing to say and this is civil court, but do you want to get out of jury duty or not?
Dressing as Stereotypical Barbie could be helpful since men in power would question your ability to manage your lady emotions and jury a fair trial, but if you dress as Civic Barbie and say your favorite accessory is bias, the chances of your duty being waived are decent.
Carmen Sandiego founded the Villain’s International League of Evil, which “seeks to commit incredible thefts and/or cause chaos in other ways,” and is not a job one can be expected to just take a day off from to be on some dumb jury. Besides, you have to be a United States citizen to serve jury duty, and with that classy red get-up, no one will know where in the world you’re from.
As the saying goes, “no shirt, no shoes, no service,” so how can they possibly expect you to serve when you’re shirtless, finned, and shimmering in the glow of the overhead lighting? You’re too much of a distraction to solve a crime. See, you knew getting into an eBay bidding war for that tail wasn’t a waste of time and money after all.
