BOSTON — Music fan Sean Tanner was nearly bankrupted after a wild night of slamming seltzer at a recent Jeff Rosenstock show, sources close to the man confirmed.
“I don’t drink anymore, but I still want to have fun, so I buy Liquid Death sparkling water at $12 a can and spend the entire show running to the bathroom,” explained Tanner between burps reeking of artificial mango. “It’s a nice little treat, but it adds up. I always tell myself that I’m only going to have one can, but then the carbonation hits hard as fuck and I can’t stop. That shit melts my face off and I’ll pay anything to keep the hydration buzz going. I’ve already been busted by security for smuggling in La Croix cans duct-taped to my legs, so I have no choice but to pay the high price, even if I blow a full two weeks of work to subsidize the habit.”
Friend Caroline Hendricks expressed concern about Tanner’s new drinking habit.
“Sean is a mess, and it’s sad to see him pissing money away to chase a crisp, effervescent high. We all like to enjoy seltzer now and then, but come on, no one needs that much refreshment. I’m sick of finding him passed out in piles of empty cans, exhausted after peeing all night. It’s nice that he no longer needs to get drunk to enjoy music, but this seltzer shit is even more unsettling. If he wants to save money and cut out alcohol the responsible way, he should just do drugs before the show like everyone else.”
Beverage marketing consultant Caleb Small expressed excitement about the uptick in seltzer water sales at concert venues.
“We’ve been trying to squeeze more money out of sober losers for decades, and the recent popularity of NA beverages lets us go open season on those fuckers. If you think the markup on alcohol is ridiculous, you’d shit your pants if you saw what we rake in off canned water. To get customers hooked on seltzer, we make them think that its invigorating bubbles will help satisfy their constant animalistic cravings for food, alcohol, and pleasure. But it never quite scratches the itch, so they keep coming back for more. We expect sales will continue to rise as long as people keep trying to fill their inner voids by buying products.”
At press time, Tanner was seen opening a new credit card so he can start getting into kombucha.