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Aging Punk’s Review Of Show Mostly About Parking

GUILFORD, Conn. — 36-year-old punk Finn Birch is reportedly telling everyone about the show he went to this weekend, with roughly 90 percent of his comments referring to the parking situation, bored sources confirmed.

“The show was fantastic. I was really worried because the venue is at a college, and there’s only one road in and out. So, I spent a lot of time Googling parking passes and the various lots to plan ahead. Luckily, we got there a little early, so we had no trouble finding a spot,” said Birch. “We even had enough time to hang in the car and finish our podcast and be sure we missed the opener. We walked in at 8:25, and the band started at 8:30 on the dot! It was incredible. Then we left early to beat the traffic. Since I did so much work ahead of time, we were able to beat the rush out of there on that bottleneck to get home before 11, and didn’t have to pay the babysitter for an extra hour. Best show I’ve ever been to.”

Birch’s friend Jolene Ryan was looking forward to actually hearing how the show was.

“I was genuinely interested, but I could barely get one music-related detail out of him. I did get a very in-depth description of the layout of the venue and whether bands started on time,” said Ryan. “When I asked him his favorite part, he told me that they played his favorite song exactly like the recording. He seemed to really appreciate that when he closed his eyes, the live experience was exactly like listening on Spotify at home. I kind of don’t understand why he wasted his money when he could recreate this experience like, laying in his own bed.”

Everest Jennings, a local urban planner, worked closely on the blueprints for the venue.

“I call myself a city planner, but I really work more on suburban projects. People in my line of work spend their days trying to increase the efficiency of the modern city, moving hordes of humanity via mass transit. But the efficiency of less urban travel is often overlooked,” said Jennings. “That’s why I’ve got to say… when I read Mr. Birch’s Yelp review of the venue, I nearly shed a tear. Finally, one review not about the artists or sound. At long last, some recognition for my hard work getting people in and out efficiently on just one narrow, single-lane road. I finally feel seen!”

At press time, Birch was walking around the neighborhood in his new band shirt, bragging that he had the patience to wait in the merch line this time.