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So You Own Every Death Cab for Cutie Record Variant. Here’s How To Accept She’s Never Coming Back

Wait! Before you click “buy” on that limited Asphalt Meadows LP, you need to hear this. And no, I’m not talking about the Stability EP reissue. Look around at this collection of Death Cab variants you’ve amassed since the breakup. It’s time to go through them one-by-one so you can finally process and accept that she’s never coming back.

Asphalt Meadows LP (Pink Vinyl)
I think part of you must’ve known for a while now that she’s not coming back. I get it. It’s hard. But collecting records from a band that sings about crashing the wedding of their ex isn’t helping. Sad nostalgia is a harmful drug and this is your intervention.

Transatlanticism Double LP (10th Anniversary)
Put down that disc! You don’t need to cry-sing to “The Sound of Settling” again. Honestly, even their “happy” songs are sad as fuck. Can you at least promise to try and work in some Vampire Weekend?

The Photo Album (20th Anniversary, Clear Vinyl)
There are plenty of other sad fish in the ocean and if you can’t be comfortable being alone, it’s time to go fishing for someone who can help you forget about her. Maybe you’ll meet the girl of your dreams at a Decemberists show. But take it slow. Remember, Ben Gibbard and Zooey Deschanel were once in love, and look how that turned out.

Postal Service “Give Up” Triple LP (10th Anniversary)
Look, you have to cool it with the vinyl. It’s expensive and it’s making things worse. I spoke with your local record store and they agreed to tear up your loyalty card. Now I want you to go delete the saved tab on for a Codes & Keys remix EP that you already own from a different region.