RICHMOND, Va. — Local woman Monica Langley reported that the constant negative feelings surrounding her new apartment were a direct result of a near-fatal carbon monoxide leak, sources currently dizzy confirm.
“I dunno, I just get like, mega shit vibes from this place,” Langley said while struggling to keep her eyes open. “I was moving some furniture around and got really lightheaded and started seeing weird colorful spots. I have really high vibrations so I’m not surprised this would happen to me–my wiccan friend told me to watch out for this kind of thing with these old buildings. I can’t believe she was right. I’m thinking of doing a sage cleanse. I’m kind of tired of having dreams about sentient triangles. And super specifically weirdly, I found some loose double A batteries on the floor.”
Building owner Alvin Dales was reportedly skeptical of the new tenant’s claims.
“Typically these Gen Z kiddos find all kinds of things to complain about, especially if they think they can get me to pay for it,” Dales said while calculating the best way to fuck over the maximum number of tenants at once. “I’m sure it’s just an overactive imagination. I wouldn’t even be surprised if it turned out that some kind of drug use was to blame. All I know is that the building is up to code, and if these girls have any other kind of complaints they can submit them through the archaic tenant portal online.”
Jeffrey Adams, the building’s maintenance worker, gave his professional opinion.
“Yeah, so all that was totally a carbon monoxide leak,” Adams said, mildly panicked. “I gotta come back with some more shit to get this wrapped up but uh, yeah. I told all the residents to dip out for the day until I’m done fixing the leak and the sensors. I don’t know why nobody bothered to check their CO detectors. You’d fuckin think that this shit would be inspected before resident move in, but I guess some corners gotta get cut.”
At press time, Langley was seen lighting several ceremonial candles around her hospital bed.