It’s an annual tradition for the straight edge scene elders to convene and discuss potential rule changes to make being straight edge less appealing and more alienating than ever.
During this process, the scene elders ask several questions about each potential rule change:
- Will this make people dislike us more?
- How pointless is this?
- Will this make it even harder for an acquaintance to do something nice for you?
Today we are reviewing all the potential rule changes that could be enacted as soon as the current straight edge season ends.
Banning Chapstick/Lip Balm
This has been a sticking point for many hardline straight edgers for years. A representative from Salt Lake City submitted evidence of a young TikToker saying “I’m so addicted to my lip balm, I like can’t live without it” and posited that using lip moisturizing products is worse than heroin.
A Complete Ban on All Mushrooms
Members of the Boston hardcore scene remain steadfast in their belief that every variety of mushroom contains some sort of psychedelic element. This is a “better safe than sorry” proposal in order to protect straight edge scene members from accidentally expanding their mind.
Enacting Healthy Sleep Schedules
Under this proposal, every straight edger must get at least 7 hours of sleep a night. Anything less will be considered an edge break akin to smoking two packs of cigarettes.
Pilgrimage to the Dischord House Steps
Every adult straight edger must make this pilgrimage once in their life. If they do not do it before their death they will not be allowed to be buried with their favorite straight edge merch or have any straight edge songs played at their funeral
Banning Any Use of Hemp
Members of the straight edge community remain unclear as to what exactly “hemp” is. This ban would include eating hemp seeds, and would penalize any member of the scene whot used hemp rope in their necklaces in the ‘90s.
Reversing Ban on Sunscreen
In 2021 the elders enacted a ban on sunscreen, following a sharp increase in terrible sun burns at outdoor music festivals and skin cancer, members of the Florida scene are proposing this rule be reversed.
Banning the Use of Anesthetics During Medical Procedures
This one is pretty straight forward. If you need mind-altering chemicals while a medical professional removes your appendix then maybe the straight edge lifestyle isn’t for you.
Reclassifying People Who Call Themselves Straight Edge But Have No Connection to Punk/Hardcore
A large faction of people were introduced to straight edge through mainstream personalities like CM Punk but have no connection to the history of straight edge, under this proposal these people would not be allowed to call themselves straight edge and must adopt a new term to be determined later. CM Punk himself will not be affected by this change.
Points of Clarification
The “Don’t Fuck” Rule
Lots of people believe this means a “ban on pre-marital sex.” The scene elders clarified they also don’t really know what this should actually mean and continue to encourage any straight edger to participate in sex on the rare occasions it actually happens.
CBD
The California straight edge scene reminded the larger community that they do not recognize CBD as a drug and do not see its use as an edge break.