Hostage negotiation is one of the most stressful jobs you could even fathom. With insurmountable pressure to dismantle high stakes standoffs where lives can be in danger, failure to compromise could mean disaster.
We had the privilege to speak to veteran negotiator Michael Jacobs, as this bank heist didn’t go as planned and now nobody is leaving here alive until he makes good on our demand for a goddamn chopper.
So nice to hear your voice again Officer Jacobs. I noticed it’s taking some time to procure our means of escape. So are you dragging this out on purpose because you get paid by the hour or do you just like wasting everyone’s time? I could’ve been sipping cocktails on a Mexican beach by now.
I’m just trying to get everyone out of this situation safely, including you. We’re working with a nearby airfield on getting the helicopter, you just need to give us some more time. But I can’t give you what you want until you let those folks go, understand? And for your information, I’m salaried.
Oh salaried, very nice! I bet that comes with a lovely pension to boot. So what exactly does a successful negotiation look like? Would you consider it a ‘job well done’ if you deliver exactly what I want and everyone lives, or do I have to shoot another hostage to get my fucking point across?
A successful negotiation is when all parties walk away and – wait, when did you shoot a hostage?
Well he did pull the silent alarm, so I’d say he and I are even. But we’re getting sidetracked because I’m the one asking the questions. One would assume a man of your expertise and training would prioritize the safety and wellbeing of the dozen souls who have a gun pointed at them, and that you have the connections to deliver a Sikorsky S-76 with relative ease, yes?
That depends if you help me so I can help you, OK? I suppose it’s safe to assume since you can handle a gun and fly a copter that you’re ex-military. Take it from a fellow vet: once you fly that thing out of the city limits I can’t promise you anything. I know you, you’re mad about your country using you and abandoning you.
I know full damn well Uncle Sam will bail out the bank for all this money, but where’s MY bailout, huh? I was tossed aside like a dog – wait a minute, you’re trying to establish a personal connection with me to establish leverage! Damn you’re good.
So I’m told. How about you let a few hostages out and I’ll see if I can expedite that helicopter for you, if that’s what it’s gonna take. Also my wife is making lasagna for dinner and this is getting exhausting.
I supposed I could release a few hostages, after all your time must be very valuable. I’ll tell you what, if you give me the exact time that whirlybird is going to touch down on this roof and I’ll consider it. But being the reasonable man that I am, we’re getting quite peckish here, so I can part with some of my collateral for a few pizzas. The good stuff, not that Papa John’s garbage. Clock’s ticking, pig.
Christ you’re annoying. You know what, I’m just gonna send in the SWAT team. Dinner is in 45 minutes and my wife is making lasagna. Weapons free, boys!