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20-Year-Old Celebrates Last Edge Day

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Local 20-year-old hardcore kid Cody Macklin remains ignorant to the fact that he is celebrating his last Edge Day this year, disappointed, but unsurprised sources confirmed.

“Edge Day is about celebrating life free from mind-altering substances and putting fucked up shit in your body. It’s been my favorite holiday ever since I claimed edge at 15,” said the 20-year-old Macklin, seemingly unaware that hours after turning 21 he’ll be drinking alcohol on a regular basis and chain smoking cigarettes outside of bars across town. “Last Edge Day, I celebrated by getting a ‘True Till Death’ tattoo on my chest but this year we’re going to keep it more low-key. Some friends and I are going to hit the gym in the morning, go look at records in the afternoon, and then hit up No Queso for dinner. They make the best vegan quesadillas!”

Tyler Babbs, Macklin’s bandmate in xTruthAndHonorx, is disappointed this is going to be Macklin’s last Edge Day but happy that he gets to spend it with one of his best friends.

“Yeah…the writing’s been on the wall, man. I think we’ve all seen it coming for a while now. Last spring Cody ‘accidentally’ drank five White Claw Mangos thinking they were LaCroix. It was pretty obvious after the first one that he knew what he was doing,” said Babbs. “Over the summer, he basically pulled the same thing with a weed gummy, and then a weed popsicle. All that being said, he’s my boy and I’m glad I get to spend time with him on his last Edge Day before turning 21, because once he breaks edge I’m fucking done with him. It’s bittersweet, but I can’t be seen with sellouts.”

Straight edge lifer, Mike Macchio, says he sees this happen every year and it’s always really sad.

“Yo, it’s especially painful when it happens around the most edge time of the year. You see all these kids coming up in the scene so passionate about straight edge. They make a commitment, get tattoos, start bands…it’s beautiful,” said Macchio, a single tear drop forming in his right eye. “And then, just like that, it’s over. They turn 21, start listening to RZL DZL and Murphy’s Law, and…well…it’s over. Not many kids make it as far as I have. You know, it’s fucked up but it’s kind of lonely being 42 and straight edge.”

At press time, Macklin had a bad headache and was asking on Reddit whether taking Advil was an edge break.