Robert Atkinson, Author at HARDTIMES

Review: Propagandhi “Potemkin City Limits”

Posted on December 19, 2021 by Krissy Howard

Every Sunday, The Hard Times looks back on a classic album from the past. This week we revisit the cock rock staple, “Potemkin City Limits,” by the rock band KISS.

I’m not gonna lie, Halloween is my absolute favorite holiday of the entire year, and I’m still kind of reeling from this most recent one. It’s hard for me to face any kind of non-Halloween reality, and why should I have to? To show up to Christmas and listen to my grandma drone on about her newest cancer or whatever? No thanks! I’m gonna rock and roll all night, party every day, and if I get blocked in the process I’ll just create a new account and view his stories from there. It’s not a fucking crime to be curious.

So what better way to keep the Halloween party going than blasting my favorite song written by the Kings of glam rock themselves, KISS. That’s right, I’m talking ‘bout Potemkin Rock City, bay-beee! Population: ME (and this half-eaten box of Clif bars I found in the back of that weird rack my mom keeps by the garage door)!

This song sounds completely different than I remember it and has way more parts than pretty much any song I’ve ever heard. In fact, if I didn’t know better, which I do, I would say it sounds like 12 songs in one. The guitars start out kind of soft and whispery, then get harder but not in the way where the person playing them can point it up in the air like it’s his dick, which is the best sounding kind of guitar playing.

Also, the subject matter in these lyrics is a little more boring than I remember too. I thought this band was all into singing about getting pussy and driving fast, which is relatable. This long-ass song seems to be about supply chains and land ownership and something called the “iron curtain.” The closest thing to partying on this entire album is about how some girl got the clap from blowing some guy, which actually doesn’t sound rockin’ at all.

It makes me think about how the shame associated with contracting an STI is really due entirely to the stigma that’s attached to it, and our patriarchal society’s expectations of women to remain both chaste and able to pleasure men while their own needs are secondary if even considered for a moment.

Wow, KISS is a fucking really good band, huh?

SCORE: 5/5 so maybe it’ll get back to this girl and the clicks will help her buy some doxycycline or something. God, the healthcare system in this country is fucking shameful.

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Man Absolutely Buzzin’ After Seeing Dog That Looks Like His Dog

Posted on December 19, 2021 by Daniel Louis

LOS ANGELES — Local animal lover Rav Chandran is “riding a high like never before” after bumping into a dog that was nearly identical to his own while taking an afternoon walk, sources within the family that got multiple phone calls and texts confirmed.

“I usually walk down the bike path to Fletcher, but today I decided to take a detour and go straight to the park, and boy let me tell you — that was a good fuckin’ idea,” said Chandran while gesticulating wildly and pacing around the room. “As soon as I walk up I see this brown and black dog and my head just started spinning. She looked like a slightly smaller version of Scout, but had the same fur pattern and same weird tongue. I was so excited when I got home that I ripped the handle off my fridge and used it to bust a hole in the wall. It was the only way to burn off some of this energy. It’s been six hours and I still feel like I’m walking on a magic rainbow.”

Armando Montoya, the owner of Scout’s doppelganger, was equally excited about seeing a dog that looked so similar to his own.

“At first, it was just Luna and me at the park alone, but then out of nowhere this other dog runs up and I nearly fainted,” said Montoya, still so excited by the encounter that he hasn’t blinked once since the dog’s chance encounter. “I called my wife and told her immediately. Then I started going through every contact on my phone to let them know. I ended up calling my old high school and they said if I called back again they would press charges, but I don’t even care. This was so insane. I wonder if they could be related.”

Professional dog walker Louie Gannon says he often sees dog owners lose their minds when they see a pet that resembles their own.

“I was walking a husky mix and a guy was driving by and he jumped out of his Jeep, which was going around 30 miles per hour, and ran up to us and the dog to get a photo. He was bleeding pretty bad from the fall, but he had so much adrenaline I don’t think he felt it,” said Gannon. “And that was nothing compared to the woman that jumped off a six story balcony because a Yorkie that I walk on Tuesdays and Thursdays slightly resembled her childhood dog. She broke both her legs, but she said it was worth it.”

Chandran’s excitement finally dissipated while watching a syndicated episode of “Law and Order: SVU” where a sexual predator had the same exact name as him.

D.A.R.E. Officer Demoted After Class Ends Without Him Killing Single Teenager

Posted on December 19, 2021 by Contributor

EASTHAMPTON, Mass. — Local police officer James Kehoe was stripped of his Sergeant rank after his two semesters of D.A.R.E. classes didn’t result in him shooting any teenage students, disgusted police department representatives confirmed.

“I completely understand the decision and I have to respect it. I tried to explain that none of the kids mouthed off enough for me to justify drawing my weapon and using lethal force, but that’s never mattered before so my superiors didn’t want to hear it,” said Officer Kehoe while patrolling the outskirts of Brookside Cemetary. “Sure, I slammed a couple of kids on the floor when they laughed during my presentation on the dangers of cannabis, but in this day and age, that’s just not enough. If I could do it all again I’d make sure I shot half that class… I need to do something to restore the integrity of this department and my colleagues.”

Officer Kehoe’s superiors are unsure about the young patrolman’s future.

“This is disgraceful. As police officers, we have a reputation to uphold. If these high schoolers don’t fear us then they could start running wild. Maybe they start with shoplifting, and then they turn into international art thieves on bathtub crank because they don’t fear the police,” said Captain Steven Coltis. “I’ve already informed the school’s superintendent that we plan on coming in the first day after holiday break and cracking a couple skulls just so we can reassert our dominance. In the meantime, Officer Michael Grady will take over D.A.R.E. instruction. He recently shot four people at the old folks home, and we think he’s ready for this.”

Opponents of the D.A.R.E. program say the curriculum is still flawed and stress that police officers should not be shooting students.

“There is lots of data showing that bringing police officers into schools is bad for students’ well-being and often has the opposite effect when telling them to stay off drugs. Not to mention that armed police officers shooting children should be universally panned, not encouraged,” said community organizer Austin Leary. “I still remember how D.A.R.E. made me feel. The descriptions of the drugs made me curious, I wanted to try them all immediately. I also remember Officer Donner tasing my friend Brandon until his heart stopped because he made a joke about cocaine. The entire police force came to the funeral and stood in the back laughing.”

At press time, Officer Kehoe was demoted once again after an investigation into his wife’s black eye revealed she had actually slipped in the shower.

Opinion: No Gods, No Masters Except for My Full-time Mommy Domme

Posted on December 19, 2021 by V.F. Thompson

Okay, look, listen up. I know I’m an anarchist, and that means that I reject any and all forms of hierarchy, but that doesn’t extend to my full-time live-in dominatrix. Not only is she a justified hierarchy, but she is the only real authority in my life that I respect. You might say that’s not in line with my theoretical principles, but to that, I say, go read up on Hegelian dialects and Bataille and limit experiences.

When I don’t want to clean the kitchen, it is her hands that whip me into shape and make sure I follow through on my responsibilities. When she makes me kiss her feet it is a symbol of the deepest love and devotion, and exchange of domination and submission that may not make sense to the world outside but which we understand implicitly and completely.

Deleuze and Guattari diagnosed us as living in the age of capitalist schizophrenia, in which our exposure to a multitude of extreme images keeps us locked into a state of permanently split consciousness. Through the gentle but firm direction of my Goddess, I am able to retain my spirit, able to know who I am. I am her plaything, her toy, her good little boy, and she reminds me who I am with every blow from her paddle or kiss from her lips.

Some might argue that to allow one’s domme to brand them permanently on the ass with their initials is antithetical to my position as an anarchist, but that could not be further from the truth. I believe that choosing the firm yet gentle hands which direct you is the ultimate expression of autonomy. I have chosen to be hers, and so I know exactly who I am within the context of the whole. Is that not freedom? Is that not the ultimate expression of self-determination?

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go have hot candle wax poured all over my cock and balls.

Loser Has Extra Ticket if Anyone Interested

Posted on December 19, 2021 by The Hard Times Staff

GRESHAM, Ore. — Local friendless reject Dennis Hagar is looking to give away an extra ticket to tonight’s Classless Few show to anyone willing to “carpool, or meet up at the show or whatever,” confirmed sources more than willing to pay full price for the show.

“Yeah I just kind of threw it out there on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Tik Tok, and in a massive group text and email blast. So far I haven’t had any takers,” said Hager after taking a bite of a roast beef sandwich with extra mayo and wiping his mouth with his wrist. “When tickets went on sale I made sure I bought an extra because I thought maybe I’d have a girlfriend to bring or something, but I’ve been in the middle of a pretty brutal eight-year dry spell. I guess that was wishful thinking on my part.”

“I should probably go clean up my car a little bit, I left an entire birthday cake I bought for myself in there and a fuck ton of ants sort of took over the passenger seat,” he added.

Curtis Fletcher worked with Hagar three years ago and says he still regrets accepting a free ticket from the painfully lonely man.

“I had always heard the term ‘there is no such thing as a free lunch’ but didn’t really understand it until Dennis convinced me to see Witches Tit with him back in 2017. He came over to my house five hours early and brought a gallon of warm milk that he just stood drinking and spilling all over my carpet,” said Fletcher. “Then when we got to the show he kept suggesting he buy the same shirts from the band so we could wear them together at the next show we go to.”

Social psychologist Tara West says Hagar’s desperate tactic is common amongst unlikeable weirdos.

“Anytime someone takes to social media to offer up a ticket it’s in your best interest to ignore it. Maybe even block that person and forget you know them. If they had real friends they wouldn’t need to do something so pathetic,” said West. “If you ever do accept a free ticket then you have entered into a contract where you might have to also get dinner with this person, and they are definitely going to suggest you ‘do something over the weekend,’ so just make sure you have a lot of good excuses ready to go.”

One hour before the show, Hagar attempted to sweeten the pot by offering the ticket and an extra $100 to anyone willing to walk in the front door with him.

10 Song Meanings Everyone Gets Wrong

Posted on December 18, 2021December 11, 2025 by Ted Pillow

If you think you know the story behind these hits, think again. Here are 10 songs with misinterpretations that have become common knowledge and true meanings that will completely shock you.

“It Wasn’t Me” by Shaggy

Many assumed Shaggy’s roguish pop smash is about his girlfriend catching him red-handed sleeping with another woman. Close, but no cigar: the song is about Shaggy’s girlfriend catching him red-handed impersonating a police officer.

“Wonderwall” by Oasis

The Gallagher brothers’ inescapable singalong classic is commonly explained as Noel’s ode to then girlfriend Meg Matthews. But, think about it: what the fuck even is a wonderwall? Noel confirmed in a 2009 BBC interview that, in his opinion, the only real wonderwall was the Berlin Wall and the song is all about how much he misses it.

“Wonderful Tonight” by Eric Clapton

Clapton did in fact write this slowdance staple about then girlfriend and future wife Pattie Boyd, but he was actually just being polite because she looked like absolute horseshit that night. Woof.

“Don’t Speak” by No Doubt

Popular opinion claims No Doubt’s biggest hit is about the breakup between lead singer Gwen Stefani and bassist Tony Kanal. However, Stefani has confirmed that the lovelorn song is inspired by the explosion of the Mega Powers, Hulk Hogan and “Macho Man” Randy Savage, at WrestleMania V.

“Angel of Death” by Slayer

The thrash metal stalwarts came under fire for this song, which many accused of Nazi sympathizing and employing Holocaust atrocities for the sake of cheap imagery. Don’t worry – Slayer has repeatedly explained that they’re not Nazis, they’re just really interested in Nazis and enjoy writing songs from the perspective of Nazis. So, uh, it’s all good!

“I’m a Robot, But I’m Sad” by Radiohead

Considered by fans to be the laziest Radiohead song of all time, “I’m a Robot, But I’m Sad” feels like a contrived parody of the band’s most common lyrical themes. But singer Thom Yorke has adamantly defended the song, claiming it was inspired by his “personal hero” and star of the movie “Short Circuit,” Johnny 5.

“Iron Man” by Black Sabbath

Fans have mistakenly assumed for years that Ozzy and company wrote this metal classic about the comic book character of the same name. But, in actuality, the English rockers wrote the song about their dear friend, the South African robot Chappie.

“Dear John” by Taylor Swift

You’ve probably heard that “Dear John” is Swift’s scathing account of her relationship with ex-boyfriend John Mayer, right? Wrong. Swift’s savage takedown is addressed to John Candy, who owed her $450 when he died.

“Break Stuff” by Limp Bizkit

Many critics see “Break Stuff” as a rejection of America’s increasingly short-sided, transactional foreign diplomacy approach in the Middle East. However, frontman Fred Durst recently admitted that it’s just about one of those days when you don’t want to wake up because everything is fucked and everybody sucks.

“Helter Skelter” by The Beatles

Interpretations of this low-fi Beatles rocker have been long influenced by Charles Manson’s mistaken belief that it predicted an impending race war between whites and blacks. However, Paul McCartney has always maintained that the song simply predicts an impending race war in which everyone teams up against the Greeks.

Hallmark Channel Debuts “A Pop Punk Christmas,” in Which Frontman Returns to Hated Hometown and Finds Love at Local High School

Posted on December 18, 2021 by Tim Sheard

NEW YORK — The Hallmark Channel is branching out into new creative territory this year with the addition of a coming of age story about love and loss titled “A Pop Punk Christmas” to its holiday movie lineup, excited company executives confirmed.

“Let’s face it, we’ve been in a creative rut lately,” said Tanner McAdams, Hallmark Channel’s director of programming. “We’ve done the same plotlines to death. The handsome suitor is secretly a prince, the workaholic protagonist reconnects with her high school sweetheart. We wanted to tell a different, more authentic story this year, and what’s more authentic than punk rock? ‘A Pop Punk Christmas’ follows a disaffected lead singer who finds the Christmas spirit, and love, in the last place he’d ever expect: Holidaysburg, the suburban hometown he couldn’t move away from soon enough. Think ‘Miracle on 34th Street’ meets ‘New Found Glory’’ meets ‘Lolita.’”

The film stars Dean Cain as 28-year-old frontman Kyle Haskins of the band Hidden Kingdom, opposite Lacey Chabert as junior varsity field hockey captain Kayleigh Allen.

“Let’s just say Christmas isn’t really Kyle’s thing,” said Cain. “But on a visit home to reconnect with his divorced parents, he realizes the people he remembered as soulless suburbanites are way more authentic than his fake friends in the music industry. This is encapsulated in the character of Kayleigh, who he shares a meet cute with when they both reach for the same eyeliner at Claire’s. The incomparable Stephen Tobolowsky gives a star turn as the Scrooge-like principal who tries to stand in the way of true love, but I get the better of him by crashing the school’s battle of the bands disguised as Santa to skirt a restraining order.”

So far, the film has been universally panned by critics.

“For years, I’ve crapped on Hallmark movies for their derivative plots and saccharine sentimentality,” said Kate Aguilar, film critic at the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. “But somehow this is worse. Much, much worse. You’d think Hallmark would have realized something was amiss when Cain prepared for his role by touring with Brand New and studying up on Megan’s Law. For the love of God, please get back to your roots and stick with the cheesy, milquetoast movie formula.”

At press time, Hallmark executives have announced they will be releasing an accompanying soundtrack featuring original “punk Christmas” songs such as “Merry Christmas (Piss Off)” and “Mature for Your Age.”

Liberal Voter Signs Petition to Build More Affordable Housing Two Towns Over, Maybe Three

Posted on December 18, 2021 by The Hard Times Staff

NORWELL, Mass. — Lifelong Democrat and self-proclaimed liberal activist Andy O’Hare added his name to a petition to build more affordable housing while clarifying the construction would take place miles from his home, confirmed sources close to the situation.

“I’m very aware of my privilege and I know I’ve been blessed. Making sure the less fortunate have a safe place to live is a priority of mine,” said O’Hare. “I just need to make sure that my own property value doesn’t go down in the process. Not to mention the tax hit. Everyone deserves a fair shake here, and I think the government needs to step up and provide for these people, but the government should also know that my town isn’t a great spot for this project. I can’t even imagine how much my insurance rates would go up if we let those beautiful souls move into town.”

Community activists say supposedly “liberal” voters are the biggest impediment to getting new affordable housing built.

“We have been stationed outside of every Star Market and Stop and Shop on the South Shore collecting signatures and we always get such a warm response until people realize that construction might happen within 10 miles of their home,” said advocate Terry Palmieri. “I’ve had people spit on me, throw my clipboard into the trash, and threaten to have me arrested ‘for communism’ and then I see them drive off and they have Bernie Sanders bumper sticker on their car.”

Local far-left organizers were not surprised by this revelation.

“We see this all the time. I’ve known so many people that fought for a massive redistribution of wealth for two years when they were kind of broke in college, then they got a programming job at HubSpot and started calling the cops on people running needle exchanges,” said Amari Liston. “But those same people still quote Fred Hampton in their Instagram posts every time a Republican does something they don’t like. Just a few weeks ago I tried to contact a couple old friends to help me with a food drive for the unhoused near Fogg Park and they had their lawyer send me a cease and desist letter saying ‘they don’t want to encourage a seedy element in their community.’”

At press time, O’Hare enthusiastically signed another petition to open up a third Panera Bread in town.

Why I Decided to Toilet Train My Kitten and Litter Box Train My Toddler

Posted on December 18, 2021 by Alice Lahoda

Parenting is a lifelong journey, and every day brings new challenges. I just try to do what’s best for my babies. Sure, I made some unconventional decisions — not every parent toilet trains their kitten and litter box trains their toddler. But everyone thinks they know how they’ll raise their little ones until they adopt a kitten from PetSmart, and all their best laid plans go to shit.

Look, I never thought I’d be THAT parent. I laughed with the rest of you when cat moms bragged about how they trained their precious fur babies to drop a post-Chunky Chick’n Liver D’Light deuce in the big boy toilet by the early age of 22 months. But then my little bundle of fur and fangs looked up at me for the first time, and in my heart I knew I could never force Mr. Greggory McFluffington to defecate in a box of dusty pebbles like some common house cat.

Greggory was a natural on the toilet. Every poop landed perfectly in the water pooled at the bottom of his porcelain throne. His father and I were so proud, and we knew it was time to add another little one to our family.

A year later, I gave birth to our human son, Greggory. It occurred to me that since the unconventional parenting methods we used for feline-Greggory worked so well, maybe I should look into alternative options for human-Greggory as well.

I did my research and discovered that litter box training is actually the best option for human-Greggory. It turns out squatting is the healthiest way for humans to poop! That’s just science. Also, by the time human-Greggory was old enough to be potty trained, there was no available bathroom where he could do his business (feline-Greggory is territorial), but there was an unused litter box in the closet.

Look, what it comes down to is, when feline-Greggory decides that something is his, it’s best to just let him have it. I’ve got plenty of scars that can attest to that. Even my husband and I have a hard time getting toilet time without a little blood being drawn, and I just don’t think human-Greggory is ready for that. It’s just better this way.

So here they are: a cat pooping in a human toilet and a toddler pooping in a box of dusty odor-absorbing pellets, just as God intended. And if anyone’s worried that I’m setting human-Greggory up to fail in the real world, he’s a smart kid. I’m positive he’ll teach himself to poop in a human toilet in his preschool’s bathroom, provided that the preschool’s bathroom is not also the claimed domain of an extremely aggressive feline.

High School Band Teacher Keeping Fact He Used to Play Trumpet for ‘No Doubt’ in Back Pocket Until He Really Needs It

Posted on December 18, 2021 by Dan Kozuh

LAKE FOREST, Calif. — Local high school band teacher Kurt Hill has yet to reveal to his students that he played trumpet for the band No Doubt for a brief stint in 1991, sources in the faculty lounge report.

“Gwen [Stefani] is still a pretty high profile figure and these kids know who she is, even if they don’t know she once fronted a ska band,” Hill said while preparing to conduct the orchestra for a performance of Brigadoon. “I am going to hold onto the fact that I knew her back in the day until I really lose control of the classroom or need to garner some cred with a particularly unruly student. Unfortunately, I don’t think they will care that I was in The Aquabats for literally a decade, so unless Stefani gets canceled between now and next May I’ve got a hefty little piece of leverage just waiting to be used.”

Hill’s students are aware that he is holding back something, but don’t particularly care to find out what it is.

“He keeps saying really random phrases like when we are talking too much he just says, ‘don’t speak,’ and then giggles to himself,” said high school Junior and orchestra violinist Colleen Morales. “When I made first chair he told me it wasn’t because I’m, ‘just a girl,’ and when I told him I was going to miss practice because my aunt died he just said, ‘no doubt,’ which just seemed really insensitive. I’m sure it all means something but I really don’t care.”

Professionals in the realm of academia believe it would be best for Hill to just have it be known right away.

“Commanding the respect of a group of teens is near impossible. Try too hard and they’ll control you forever. He’d be best to just say it as casually as possible, like he wasn’t trying to impress them,” Secondary education professor Dr. Albert Barton, PhD explained. “He is building this up too much and Stefani is already fifty-two, she doesn’t pull the kind of teenage idolisation she did 20 years ago. If it wasn’t for her romance with Blake Shelton, telling a teen you once knew her would go about as far as saying you knew Jessica Simpson or Mandy Moore. You’re just digging your own grave.”

Hill had still yet to use his wild card, however, during a recent outburst from resident class clown Ryan Cook, opted instead to tell the class about the time he saw “Macho Man” Randy Savage at the Dallas/Ft. Worth airport, which only made things worse.