Whether you like it or not, everyone is talking about cryptocurrencies. Even in Springfield. No one knows for sure what the future holds for digital money and whether investing in it is even sound financial advice. But if we know anything about the future, it’s that “The Simpsons” probably predicted it first. That being said, here’s the definitive ranking of characters from “The Simpsons” based on how likely they are to invest in crypto and not keep their digital currency portfolios to their damn selves.
50. Rainier Wolfcastle
The McBain actor would absolutely not invest in crypto because he once saw a commercial with Matt Damon promoting it, and Rainier is still soured by the fact that Damon beat him out for the lead in the “Bourne Identity” movies.
49. Abe Simpson
Old people do not invest in crypto. They accumulated wealth by being born at the right time and believing they worked hard for it, while not realizing they only needed one part-time job to afford a house, two cars, and seven children. The rest of us will have to gamble our money in the stock market in hopes of one day living slightly above the poverty line.
48. Chief Wiggum
Clancy Wiggum would definitely not invest in “cryptozoology” or “kryptonite” or whatever it is people are talking about. Boy, would he like to understand why everyone keeps bringing it up though.
47. Marge Simpson
Marge seems like she is skeptical of every opportunity that is presented to her. Bitcoin will be no different. She’s going to pass on it because she doesn’t quite get why it’s better than a good old fashioned quarter fresh from the mint.
46. Hans Moleman
This man stopped acquiring new information during the Carter administration. The thought of something called Ethereum might just kill him.
45. Moe Szyslak
Moe is staunchly anti-cryptocurrency, mainly because an anonymous source once called him at the bar about something called Titcoin and he thought for sure he was getting pranked with a made-up name, so he hung up and unplugged the phone for the rest of the week and kept his shotgun pointed at the door.
44. Mayor Joe Quimby
Mayor Quimby primarily gets money from lobbyists and corporate sponsors who want him to do his bidding, which is quite lucrative. That’s just how the government works now. He doesn’t say a word about that part though.
43. Disco Stu
Disco Stu does not have extra money to invest after blowing it all on a custom-made disco ball that hangs above his bed. He’s got his priorities, albeit questionable by non-1970s standards.
42. Rod and Todd Flanders
These total nerds are happy just being alive and can’t be bothered obsessing about getting ahead financially. They’re too busy being grateful for the life they already have. Fucking dorks.
41. Cletus Spuckler
Cletus just can’t quite grasp the concept of a type of money that you can’t see, that’s not exactly money, yet can be used as money, but also not used as money in normal places where you would use money. Seriously, it’s not that hard, dude.
40. Superintendent Chalmers
Chalmers is currently superintending eight school districts, and he deep down hates every single one of the principals. No time to invest his physical money in digital money.
39. Jasper Beardley
A large portion of Jasper’s life savings is being likely siphoned off by health insurance companies. Someone should probably do something about old people being taken advantage of and gradually sucked dry financially by predatory third parties.
38. Barney Gumble
Barney prefers to invest in more immediate, consumable, and physical stocks, like Duff beer. He may be hammered on his investments and in desperate need of a friend group who doesn’t enable him, but at least he’s not cornering you at the bar to talk about something called ETFs.
37. Miss Hoover
Miss Hoover makes a teacher’s salary and on top of that has to buy her own school supplies. This is not a recipe for personal cryptocurrency enterprises.
36. Sideshow Bob
If you’re someone who spends all your time plotting and enacting revenge, there’s a good chance that wealth-building strategies aren’t top of mind. Attempted murder is at least a more interesting topic of conversation than a digital currency that is personally endorsed by Ashton Kutcher, who also endorsed Danny Masterson.
35. Otto Mann
Otto still uses a Walkman to listen to music on cassette. He has yet to step into the digital age where we pay streaming services for music instead of artists themselves. There’s just no way crypto is on this guy’s radar.
34. Groundskeeper Willie
No one quite knows for sure Willie’s stance on crypto. This is essentially due to the fact that not a single person seeks out his opinion on financial decisions. Or anything, really. Why start now?
33. Kirk Van Houten
Kirk was the only person in existence who somehow capitalized on the Beanie Baby investment craze in the ‘90s, but he’s not able to tell anyone about it because it’s embarrassing as hell. This man is a vault when it comes to investments.
32. Mr. Burns
Montgomery got rich in the more traditional way of exploiting workers for profit and personal gain. Making money through volatile crypto investments just doesn’t have the same feel to it.
31. Ned Flanders
Ned primarily invests in his small business called The Leftorium which he owns and operates. How this store stays afloat at the Springfield Mall is anyone’s guess. On the other hand, if a store called Lids that seems to sell baseball hats exclusively is still alive and well then anything is possible. Unless of course The Leftorium and Lids are both fronts for money laundering schemes. Then that explains everything.
30. Dr. Julius Hibbert
Financial health is just as important to Dr. Hibbert as physical health. In his medical opinion, you shouldn’t invest in something you don’t fully understand. Nevertheless, he mainly recommends you invest in yourself, which is great advice if you can ever figure out what the hell that even means.
29. Bumblebee Man
Pedro Chespirito is a total wildcard. He has his own slapstick comedy show, seemingly always dresses up as a bee even when not on set, and he’s even on a bowling team where he wears a bowling shirt over his bumblebee costume. Your guess is as good as mine on this guy.
28. Waylon Smithers
Smithers is a practical man. He puts his money in a high yield savings account and plays the long game. He will talk about how he has a 4.35% interest return, but no one will know what the hell he’s talking about. Like, what’s a savings account?
27. Helen Lovejoy
Helen is currently protesting the evils of crypto. She can’t explain what it is or why it’s evil, but it must be nefarious if it’s new and she can’t comprehend it in simple, faith-based terms.
26. Kent Brockman
Kent will actually speak about crypto during the news itself, but only because one of those digital currency companies paid to be an advertiser. The primary purpose of the news is to plug whatever entity gives them the most money to promote the product they’re selling. This is not Kent’s fault.
Chimaira’s sixth album is a waste, both of their talent and your time. The off-brand metalcore songs have the creativity of beige wallpaper and the depth of a two-dimensional object. Hell is listening to this insipid record, and life it too short to bother replaying a single track. Perhaps it’s because everyone not named Arnold or Hunter left or was kicked out before writing and recording. As such, the trio—Hunter, Arnold, and longtime producer Ben Schigel on drums—play with the enthusiasm of a hungover McDonald’s cashier. Interestingly, Hunter has a moment of shocking self-awareness when he asks, “Where did my passion go?” Where, indeed.
Much like trucker hats and asking Regis to phone a friend, Chimaira’s debut is a relic of the early 2000s: thin production, wet-ping snares, nu metal riffing, and needless electronic soundscapes. Oh, and the lyrics read like the diary of an angsty suburban teenager (“You don’t know what it’s like to be dead inside”). Hunter, meanwhile tries out several vocal styles including too-close-to-the-mic talk-singing, whiny yet oddly sensuous singing, and awkward kinda-rapping. None work. There are flashes of the more interesting band they’d become—derived almost exclusively from Herrick’s excellent playing—but “Pass Out of Existence” is mostly a band trying on baggy jeans and a wallet chain because all the kids at school are wearing them. Sure, this is a mess relative to “Hell” (and the rest of their output), but at least there’s some passion here.
Chimaira’s seventh (and final?) album finds them bouncing back from their studio nadir two years earlier. Because everyone besides Hunter left, “Crown of Phantoms” is essentially a solo record. Still, he recruited some real talent—notably lead guitarist Emil Werstler and drummer Austin D’Amond, who steal the show—that injected new life into a comatose enterprise. Correctly leaning into the groove metal half of their sound, there’s flashy playing and slick riffing throughout. Given the mass exodus prior to this record and the band breaking up a year later, however, it’s hard not to see references in Hunter’s lyrics to betrayal and cowardice as being directed at former bandmates, as well as multiple references to putting a gun to a head as foreshadowing the band’s demise. If “Crown” remains Chimaira’s last record, they at least ended on a decently-high note.
This is for Chimaira fans who liked their eponymous album (see #1) but wanted a streamlined version. “Resurrection,” then, consists of good-not-great material that’s more or less well-paced, save for a momentum-killing, overstuffed thing called “Six.” Herrick’s superb drumming is the high point: he plays like he’s justifying his initial return to the band, (re)cementing the classic lineup. Hunter’s pedestrian diary scribbles, conversely, are again the main flaw, even when he attempts social commentary (e.g., “Day and night feed off humanity / Scraping by on the remnants of life / No cure, no hope, no way to change / Paper bags filled with liquid love”). Notably, Hunter references Nietzsche and Herbert Spencer, suggesting that he (temporarily?) closed his diary and opened a book. That’s progress.
Their fifth record is the one for Pantera fans, because Chimaira go all-in on mid-tempo groove metal. “The Infection” lacks the southern fried boogie and the arena hooks of Pantera, but it’s
For their second album, and first with the classic lineup, the sextet decided to jettison all the poor decisions of “Pass Out” and instead distill their songwriting into a singular vision. The result is a cohesive and well-written set of songs. Who’da thought? After the experimentation of “Pass Out,” Hunter wisely picked a single vocal style: his well-known scrape-screech, which answers the question, “What would it sound like if you ran steel wool over your larynx?” Unsurprisingly, the record’s weakness is Hunter’s teenager whining like “Maybe I’m not who you are / Maybe I want to be myself.” Yet, aside from the closing track, “The Impossibility of Reason” is so good that you can (mostly) ignore it.
Chimaira’s third full-length feels like a reaction to their previous two—specifically, the melodic and electronic elements. Here, both are minimized faster than a porn window when your roommate turns the doorknob. This is the band’s thrashiest and grooviest and proggiest record, full of satisfying riffage and excellent musicianship. (It should come as no surprise that they covered “Disposable Heroes” during these sessions; it appears on the special edition.) Part of the album’s greatness is derived from Kevin Talley, a superb and inventive drummer who’s passed through more bands than the clap. Sadly, that means this is the only time he’d play on a Chimaira release. On the plus side, however, he was here for this monster’s peak and one of the best metal albums of 2005. So there’s that.
Ruth-Anne’s no-nonsense attitude and maternal warmth would endear her to Sub Pop, but her music would likely be too wholesome for the label’s grunge aesthetic. She’d be better suited to the coffeehouse circuit, singing heartfelt ballads about community and friendship.
Holling’s rugged charm and life experience could earn him a spot on Sub Pop, but his music would lean more towards traditional folk, with songs about love lost and the wisdom gained from decades of living in the wilderness. He would do better on a label like Topic Records.
With his eclectic taste in music and penchant for philosophical musings, one might think Chris would be Sub Pop’s poster child. However, even after he inundated Sub Pop with a mountain of demo tapes, he would swiftly be sniffed out as a poser. He would fit better in one of the “post-grunge” bands like LIVE or Candlebox when major labels went on a feeding frenzy signing bands and the genre got bloated.
Shelly’s bubbly personality and love for all things kitsch would land her a gig on Sub Pop, but she’d likely be relegated to novelty songs about moose burgers and quirky small-town life played on a ukulele. When her music career floundered, she would pivot to acting in films directed by the likes of Wim Wenders and Gus Van Sant.
Maurice’s entrepreneurial spirit and determination get him a deal in no time, but his music would be more like corporate rock, complete with ballads about rugged Alaskan landscapes and the power of capitalism. His album would tank but he would use his connections to start managing other Sub Pop bands only to disappear with all their money.
Joel’s neurotic tendencies might not scream rock star, but his fish-out-of-water experiences in Cicely could inspire some poignant indie songs. Think acoustic ballads being a New Yorker in Alaska. His music wouldn’t do well at the time and he would go back to being a doctor in Seattle. However, he would be rediscovered in the early 2000s and become a talking head for countless documentaries about music in the 1990s.
Maggie’s tough exterior and love for the outdoors might make her seem like a good fit for Sub Pop, but her music would probably be too earnest and mainstream for the label’s taste. Her anger would soon volcano, leading to a fallout with the label. She would return fronting a Riot Grrl band on the Kill Rock Stars label. They would have one massive hit but struggle to make waves again. She would use her fame as a one-hit wonder to push for equality for female musicians.
Marilyn’s enigmatic presence and deep connection to her Native American heritage, would likely find herself amid Cicely’s grunge scene. However, her reserved nature and mysterious aura might make her a bit of an outlier in the Sub Pop world. While she might not be the most obvious candidate for a Sub Pop signing, her introspective lyrics and haunting melodies could certainly find a niche audience within the label’s diverse roster.
Ed’s quirky personality and love for Native American culture would make him a cult favorite on Sub Pop. He’d blend traditional drumming with distorted guitar riffs, creating a sound that’s both mystical and grungy. He would become one of the giant stars of the grunge scene with his name listed among Cobain, Cornell, and Vedder. However, his naivety would allow him to become taken advantage of and the musician lifestyle would quickly catch up with him. He would flame out in spectacular, public fashion only to retreat back to Cicely and never make public appearances again. Until 2012 when he would release an acoustic album and do a single performance at Riot Fest.